Marriage help

Dani1989 · Dec 9, 2019

So, my husband wakes me up in the middle of the night when I'm half asleep and can hardly comprehend what's going on at first. I naturally push him away as he tries to have sex with me. He keeps pushing and I wake up a bit more and keep saying no, I need to sleep right now. He starts blaming me that I could have brought up having sex with him before bed, but so could he have, but he didn't. He will not leave me alone until I give in and have sex with him. I just feel so violated and I'm not sure what to do. He has done this a few times and it's just so hurtful to me. I feel like he manipulates me into doing it. We have a busy life with his varying work schedule and four young children, but we also make some time for each other and have sex about once a week or so. I also struggle with anxiety and depression and my parents are having some health issues that stress me out. My husband isn't always easy to talk to about this stuff either and he doesn't seem to understand it very well. And when this stuff happens at night with my husband, I have no desire to be with him and it's hard to move past.

Butterflyyy · Dec 9, 2019

Dani1989 said:

So, my husband wakes me up in the middle of the night when I'm half asleep and can hardly comprehend what's going on at first. I naturally push him away as he tries to have sex with me. He keeps pushing and I wake up a bit more and keep saying no, I need to sleep right now. He starts blaming me that I could have brought up having sex with him before bed, but so could he have, but he didn't. He will not leave me alone until I give in and have sex with him. I just feel so violated and I'm not sure what to do. He has done this a few times and it's just so hurtful to me. I feel like he manipulates me into doing it. We have a busy life with his varying work schedule and four young children, but we also make some time for each other and have sex about once a week or so. I also struggle with anxiety and depression and my parents are having some health issues that stress me out. My husband isn't always easy to talk to about this stuff either and he doesn't seem to understand it very well. And when this stuff happens at night with my husband, I have no desire to be with him and it's hard to move past.

Hey Dani
Are you able to see a Christian counsellor?

Dani1989 · Dec 9, 2019

No, not right now. I just thought I would see if I could get some input or encouragement from other Christians that don't know us personally and we can see an outside of our lives point of view I guess.

Butterflyyy · Dec 9, 2019

Dani1989 said:

I have found Christian counselling to be very helpful.
If I was in this situation I would pray for guidance to a good Christian counsellor, and also you could ask for prayer on this forum.
Hope it's a help x

Dani1989 · Dec 9, 2019

Butterflyyy said:

Thanks

Solemateleft · Dec 9, 2019

Dani1989 said:

Greetings Dani welcome... I think you will like it here in the cc... Lots of amazingly honest, and gracious, sometimes outspoken and opinionated - but always loving, caring and giving of advice for those who are seeking prayer, friendship, support or just a break from their daily routine...

Given your scenario - I agree you guys should try to get some professional/Christian marriage counseling - for your benefit especially.
As it is evident that - just like any spoiled little boy - he is selfishly using manipulation to try to get what he wants whenever he wants it...
By giving in to his selfish ways you are only enabling his selfish behavior...

It is important for you to keep pumping the breaks to ensure a two way street here...

Albeit, rather than trying to find a stick (spanking/punishment metaphor) as a forcing function to correct his behavior - I suspect that using sugar (reward/benefit metaphor) would serve to be much more beneficial for the both of you.

The self-help material on this topic suggest Communication; Attraction; Date Nights; Daily Affection; and Setting the Mood are the keys to healthy intimacy in marriage.

Bottom-line: you owe it to yourself to strive to try to have a meaningful conversation on this subject (Communication) as a means to both resolve his selfish behavior; while also trying to help resolve your relationship feelings at the same time...
Consider asking him out for coffee and expressing your feelings to him - enlighten him that if he were to put forward the effort for taking you out on a date nite once a week, showing you some affection during the day and working a little harder to setting the mood (planning) that the experience is much more likely to be well worth his efforts...

Good luck
How to Keep Your Sex Life Healthy in Marriage

God Bless

Dani1989 · Dec 9, 2019

Solemateleft said:

Greetings Dani welcome... I think you will like it here in the cc... Lots of amazingly honest, and gracious, sometimes outspoken and opinionated - but always loving, caring and giving of advice for those who are seeking prayer, friendship, support or just a break from their daily routine...

Given your scenario - I agree you guys should try to get some professional/Christian marriage counseling - for your benefit especially.
As it is evident that - just like any spoiled little boy - he is selfishly using manipulation to try to get what he wants whenever he wants it...
By giving in to his selfish ways you are only enabling his selfish behavior...

It is important for you to keep pumping the breaks to ensure a two way street here...

Albeit, rather than trying to find a stick (spanking/punishment metaphor) as a forcing function to correct his behavior - I suspect that using sugar (reward/benefit metaphor) would serve to be much more beneficial for the both of you.

The self-help material on this topic suggest Communication; Attraction; Date Nights; Daily Affection; and Setting the Mood are the keys to healthy intimacy in marriage.

Bottom-line: you owe it to yourself to strive to try to have a meaningful conversation on this subject (Communication) as a means to both resolve his selfish behavior; while also trying to help resolve your relationship feelings at the same time...
Consider asking him out for coffee and expressing your feelings to him - enlighten him that if he were to put forward the effort for taking you out on a date nite once a week, showing you some affection during the day and working a little harder to setting the mood (planning) that the experience is much more likely to be well worth his efforts...

Good luck
How to Keep Your Sex Life Healthy in Marriage

God Bless

Thank you! That is very helpful information!

God bless

jeninnc · Dec 9, 2019

I am very sorry to hear this. I agree with everyone's advice about seeking counseling... he needs to truly understand how you feel. If not you will grow to resent him more and more. People get stuck in unhealthy ruts and patterns. Getting a Christian counselor can help sort it out so it doesn't turn into just blaming one another again and again. I would suggest not waiting or hoping things improve.

You want to feel loved, and cherished... not a means to an end. It is good to reach out to others like you did with this forum. Keeping reaching out to others and keep talking about it.

In Christ, Jen

Dani1989 · Dec 10, 2019

Thanks. I'm thinking of ways of implementing some of the advice, but I just don't know how the counseling thing will go. My husband isn't one to ask for advice or even try or listen to advice much. Most of the time he thinks he knows the best way to do something. I have a hard time convincing him otherwise. Most of the time he is right and very smart and good at things, but once in awhile when he isn't it's hard for him to see it. I haven't done Christian or marriage counselling, but when I went to a therapist once for my own mental health issues he thought it was a waste of time and wasn't going to help. Also, he doesn't like involving anyone outside our relationship in. He feels we know what's best, but things aren't changing from either of us and I think we would benefit from outside help, but I can see him coming up with ideas and reasons not to do it and I don't usually know what to say back. So, I have wanted to talk with family or friends about our marriage, but I know it would upset him and I don't want anyone to look at us differently or feel like they have to choose sides. But I feel like I can't let this go on any longer. Plus, a lot of times he's telling me how I should do something a different way around the house and I get frustrated because he says things about that stuff often and I do the best I can and change it to his liking the best I can, but I also can't do everything and I feel like he expects me to. Then he will say to me you can't take it as criticism every time I say something about something you did. Ugh, it drives me nuts! Sorry for the venting. I just don't have anyone else to talk to right now. Thanks to anyone who reads this and/or offers advice.

Bingo · Dec 10, 2019

Dani1989 said:

"Thank you for sharing. Counseling outside of family is not for everyone, especially on
intimate marriage issues, as this is a personal and private matter. Appears your marriage
is well past the 'honeymoon' phase. And with time, it is natural to experience a change in
one another, as working and raising a family brings cause of stress and anxiety, the two
most common problems in a relationship, also different medications cause a change in
ones physical 'feelings'. It is always best, to make the time to calmly discuss each others
concerns and to make an effort to help each other to resolve an issue. Love and understanding
that each need to change certain attitudes and behavior is most likely necessary. And, relying on
and applying God's 'principles' of life are a big bonus for all involved, as love and patience
are essential. Acceptance and forgiveness are powerful emotional tools.
I hope all things in your family life improves and you come to know to change the things
that are needed to have a loving and compatible bond of love and understanding."

Solemateleft · Dec 10, 2019

Dani1989 said:

Dani,
It is so unfortunate that your scenario is not all that unusual... It would seem that your husband has grown accustomed to getting his way for his convenience and at your expense.
Unfortunately, because you are not happy - your husband has a blind spot to your FEELINGS and as a result he needs more help than he can possibly appreciate - until you help him to get help - as your feelings of hurt are not going to get resolved by themselves. Infact they are likely to compound over the years to the point of putting your marriage at risk...

Here are a few ice breaker ideas that might help plant seeds for you to help open his eyes:
- you need to keep pumping the breaks - expressing your FEELINGS... This is a form of communications carefully choosing your words in a manner that are deemed 'helpful and not hurtful.'
- There are lots of self help videos "Men are from Mars Women are from Venus" etc that could help - could be used in lieu of a weekly movie nite... Strive to adopt a reward system for him - the more he is willing to comply with these self help programs the more you reward him for his good behavior...
- Take the initiative to seek out at sign you guys up for a christian couples seminar or retreat... Don't ask - just sign up - expressing your FEELINGS that you are unhappy about the direction your relationship is going as a woman and how happy you would be if he would be willing to participate with you.

Good Luck

Locoponydirtman · Dec 10, 2019

The advice from soul mate is quite possibly the worst I have ever heard in my life. Manipulation will land you in divorce court.

After having been married for 24 years and having raised 4 children, I have been through just about all of the common problem that arise in marriage, and yes your problem is very common.

From what you have shared here it looks like you guys need to learn to budget time better and make more time together. Your intimacy needs aren't being met and his physical needs aren't being met and it's a toxic cycle.
Some advice I would give him would be to never walk passed you that he don't touch you, hug you, kiss you, say I love you. I took this advice many years ago and it worked. Also you need to take that advice as well he needs to feel handsome and strong in your eyes. Men can start to feel emasculated pretty easily.

With limited time you will have to take advantage of little opportunities, like don't sleep in, get up cook breakfast together, and find some kind of fun thing to do together, like my wife and I do leather craft. But some times when we are working on other types of projects we sit at the table together me restoring a knife and her weaving a strap. However regardless of what it is find a way to do it together not read a book or work a cross word those draw attention away into the project. You have to flirt with each other while doing this. This will create the intimacy you need and lead to the physical connection he needs. My wife and I cook breakfast together on Saturdays.
Also anytime you can be the initiator of physical connection do it. He will appreciate that.

Solemateleft · Dec 10, 2019

Locoponydirtman said:

Lol... IMHO after looking over all of my recommendations to the OP on this thread and comparing objectively with yours it would appear that we are respectfully in violent agreement on all fronts save it would seem that where I emphasize they are in need of help, it would appear that you may disagree?
While your success story is commendable, did you also read into all of the OPs scenario challenges that he has no desire to talk/communicate with her on these topics... It would seem that her husband is very likely not cut from the same cloth as you...
BTW, I was married for 28 years and my wife 1.0 essentially did all the things I suggested as a means to open my eyes to her feelings. At the end of the day in an effort to save my marriage I arrived to apply both of our recommendations and some... But at that point it was too late as she/we did not get the professional/Christian counseling that was needed... At the end of the day she reached her breaking point.
My genuine concern for the OP is that she is potentially is on that same path...
God bless...

Godsgirl83 · Dec 10, 2019

It's a difficult thing to come to a public forum and share something so personal. Especially keeping in mind that this is a public forum and as such anyone may join and post regardless of their spiritual/religious views. It is likely that those who do not hold a "Christian viewpoint" will not be on site very long, but for someone new coming to a site who isn't familiar with many of the users, I'm sure reading some replies can cause more questions than answers...…. because even among many "regulars" there will always be disagreements and disputes..... probably not helpful to the person asking questions.

Now, having that off my chest...…..

Dani1989...… welcome to CC.

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with this. As a wife and mama I can relate all to well.
Some stories are NOT meant to be shared with the whole world (CC forums can be viewed by non-members in google searches..... actually, that's how I found CC )
At the top of the page is a little envelope icon. When you get private messages the number shows by it. Watch yours, as I would like to share something more with you there when I have a little more time to type it all out.

Locoponydirtman · Dec 10, 2019

Solemateleft said:

Ok cool dialogue is good here.
Yes, I know is men don't want to talk about these things. That's why I don't advocate pigeon holeing him into it. I think he will learn if she just tells him this. Don't walk passed me with out showing some love, then act on it herself. and then I like spending time with you so let's not make ourselves so busy. Let's chill together.
When it was my time and my wife and I were struggling I never wanted to have the stupid conversation, I just wanted to know what she wanted from me so I could give that to her. She didn't know, but I heard someone like a radio preacher or something say that women need that touch many times a day, and to hear I love you so I said ok and did it.
Then she needs to find a thing he likes and do some kind of attached activities. For me it's leather work, because I like to make scabbards for knives. So we do that stuff together and it grew into all kinds of crafty stuff.
Because making time to be intimate is just awkward. So start by doing a thing together. It works I promise.
And if she will initiate sex he will be stoked by that.

MegMarch · Dec 10, 2019

This is very interesting. Reminds me of the love and respect cycle from the book by Emerson Eggerichs.

The premise of the book is that women’s primary need is love while a man’s primary need is respect. The woman feels unloved so she loses respect for her husband and vice versa.

The book recommends that one breaks the cycle. I’m not convinced this is easy or always the solution, and the complexities of relational conflicts are many, but the book applies what I believe to Biblical principals to unhealthy and toxic relationship cycles in a marriage.

Hard to say if this will help the OP, but it reminded me of it nonetheless.

Locoponydirtman · Dec 10, 2019

MegMarch said:

I have never read that book. (I hate self help books), but the process is usually affective unless one of them is very bitter. One person step out and break the cycle. I have witnessed it work. Which ever one can just do it.

This reminds me of a couple I knew a long time ago. After she had a baby she had put on a few pounds and he was being a jerk about it.
If he had listened they would still be married and a few pound would not matter.

Whispered · Dec 10, 2019

Dani1989 said:

Thanks. I'm thinking of ways of implementing some of the advice, but I just don't know how the counseling thing will go. My husband isn't one to ask for advice or even try or listen to advice much. Most of the time he thinks he knows the best way to do something. I have a hard time convincing him otherwise. Most of the time he is right and very smart and good at things, but once in awhile when he isn't it's hard for him to see it. I haven't done Christian or marriage counselling, but when I went to a therapist once for my own mental health issues he thought it was a waste of time and wasn't going to help. Also, he doesn't like involving anyone outside our relationship in. He feels we know what's best, but things aren't changing from either of us and I think we would benefit from outside help, but I can see him coming up with ideas and reasons not to do it and I don't usually know what to say back. So, I have wanted to talk with family or friends about our marriage, but I know it would upset him and I don't want anyone to look at us differently or feel like they have to choose sides. But I feel like I can't let this go on any longer. Plus, a lot of times he's telling me how I should do something a different way around the house and I get frustrated because he says things about that stuff often and I do the best I can and change it to his liking the best I can, but I also can't do everything and I feel like he expects me to. Then he will say to me you can't take it as criticism every time I say something about something you did. Ugh, it drives me nuts! Sorry for the venting. I just don't have anyone else to talk to right now. Thanks to anyone who reads this and/or offers advice.

You know, you don't need your husband to go with you to a Christian counselor.
If he's not one to seek help it does not mean you are not able to.

Framer · Dec 10, 2019

Dani1989 said:

I have experience with that. I very well could be that man. Would it be better he went somewhere else? The mother of my kids and I had sex everyday for like 15 years straight. Now. Why is he asking when you asleep. Was he doing something else prior to get him aroused. That is the question. The mother of my kids would say,”why are you so horny? What got you horny? I know it wasn’t me I was asleep.” Now for me just looking at her sleeping their all sexy was enough for me but I don’t know what is going on their.

Locoponydirtman · Dec 10, 2019

Framer said:

I have experience with that. I very well could be that man. Would it be better he went somewhere else? The mother of my kids and I had sex everyday for like 15 years straight. Now. Why is he asking when you asleep. Was he doing something else prior to get him aroused. That is the question. The mother of my kids would say,”why are you so horny? What got you horny? I know it wasn’t me I was asleep.” Now for me just looking at her sleeping their all sexy was enough for me but I don’t know what is going on their.

Now this is the kind of honesty that we need as a church body.

Marriage help

New member

Well-known member

New member

Well-known member

New member

Honor, Courage, Commitment

New member

jeninnc

Guest

New member

Well-known member

Honor, Courage, Commitment

Locoponydirtman

Guest

Honor, Courage, Commitment

Godsgirl83

Guest

Locoponydirtman

Guest

MegMarch

Guest

Locoponydirtman

Guest

Well-known member

Member

Locoponydirtman

Guest