Yes , i would specifically like you to pray to God asking Him for my death to happen soon. To give me a pulmonary disease and let me die asap. I would very much appreciate. I am serious. I need your prayers for this one reason very much because no one is ready to say an amen when I pray that prayer. Trust me I am a hopeless lost cause. I don't want to continue this life. If you just say an amen to this prayer of mine "Lord, let me just disappear or let me never have existed and let me die soon"...i will be grateful because when 2 or more ask for anything in Jesus name , it is done.
Well, I will reiterate. Job felt pretty close to the same way and it was helpful for me to read just a short passage of him saying so.
Elijah too was ready to die after the Carmel contest. He basically, just laid down by a tree/bush and said so.
I've been in similar places and am even "somewhat" there now. It stands to reason that he must have some reason for me continuing to breathe, I may not like that reason. I may not even love it. My flesh might hate it, and my spirit may only give a slight "nod" in his general direction...but to whom do I belong? Do I legitimately have the desire to end things myself? Nope. I have wanted him to do so, or quite close to it (being open to it based off the emotion).
I've laid down in the dirt more than once, feeling like I'm tearing myself apart. That the Lord isn't who he says he is, etc. etc.
Most probably a test/temptation, idk. All I know is it happens rarely and when I submit and humble myself and cry out, it stops. It takes moments like those to completely humble myself and actually cry out.
I'm just explaining how some of this has worked for me in the past, perhaps it can help. If for instance, knowing that the Lord has the power to end your life (having created it) and you want that more than anything right now, and he is unwilling. What would your response be? Managing that response is the hard part, because being angry at the Lord doesn't really accomplish anything as far as I can tell...OTHER than being part of a real living relationship. If you are married, or even if you aren't you have had friends/family. At some point you will get angry with them over something. Even if that relationship is nearly perfect, we aren't. So it stands to reason that this is likely to occur at some point in each of our lives, although not necessarily true. So my advice, is to simply vent a bit privately and change your setting.
I have different thoughts in a warm shower than I do rain soaked in the woods alone at 35 degrees. I have different thoughts at a campfire than I do with a fireplace fire. A different attitude at the library vs using a laptop on the couch. There are so many ways to change things to just "see" if it presents a better place to pray/seek. I personally find that these feelings seem to be similar to how females experience contractions. There's a breather section and that segment is the only time you can really get more comfortable both mentally and physically.
