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As I am reflecting on 2019, I can’t help but feel very blessed and astounded. Why it always seems to surprise me that God is good - I can’t truly put in words. The only explanation I have is that I forget. Because He doesn’t change.
In 2018 I experienced a huge identity crisis. I did not know who I was, where I belonged, what I wanted and most importantly I completely forgot Whose I am. This sent me tumbling from high to low, I had no direction because in the midst of the storm I completely ignored the only constant - the North Star which would have guided me. I also did not want to use the tools of direction I have at my fingertips. I did not pray or read the bible. As I drifted further and further into the storm and completely let go of the rudder, the impressions and worldly garbage began to infiltrate my mind and clutter up my soul. I knew all the scriptures and how a Christian should speak and act- and so I desperately did those things trying to fit the picture. “Cling to ministry and fake it ‘till you make it”. But this formula did not work for me this time around. I slipped more and more into the darkness. My grip just wasn’t strong enough to cling to the Lord.
In March 2018 I got accepted to go on the WordRace because it seemed to me - this would be a deed worthy of a good Christian, and so I went about raising funds but my heart was only half in it and quickly I felt more fear than faith and I wished I could opt out of any and all ministry I was involved in. My personal life - the wounds I let fester, they had now made a very weak and wounded Christian. I was exhausted.
After a sit down with my Cousin/Pastor whose children’s minister I currently was, I quit it all. Worldrace, ministry and began to just be a shadow in church. I barely even went there - my mind stayed outside the church walls. I lived in sin - and so I would sneak to the restroom 10 minutes before service end to sit in the restroom. Waiting for communion to be over. Every single Sunday. I was not ready to repent and turn to the Lord - I could not see or sense Him, I did not want what I had thus far experienced as a Christian any longer.
I moved away from my family and then quit going to church all together - pretending I was going to a church with members in my own generation. Every Sunday if anyone asked “how was church” I would say “Praise God, it was great”. And I am sure it was - I just wouldn’t know, now would I? It was great for someone for sure. Removing God’s light completely from my life in form of church, scripture and Christians had many different impacts. One - I was constantly stressed out. I became an anxious wreck, I felt I liked myself better this way - I felt I was “Nicer”and “better off this way”. This was the beginning of December 2018 and by the end of January I was already fed up. I could not live it.
Yes - I had too much of the World let seep into my soul to be of any good to a Christian life - but I had the Word of truth etched into my heart, mind and soul and so was of no good to the Word either. I belonged to neither place in the state I was in. Something had to give - Either Jesus had to move out or I had to move back into the House of my Father. I was but a Ghost of any of my former selves.
This is the desperate Journal entry I wrote on January 31st 2019
“Beautiful Jesus
I don’t know where to start. I’ve never been this lost before. I’ve made darkness my dwelling place instead of You. I’ve wished for men to do horrible things to me. I cannot seem to see myself as you do. I don’t like or love myself at all. Jesus I need help. I’m done running now. Please forgive me. Please heal me. Led me out of the darkness. Teach me your ways Jesus. Please help me. I am lonely. I am on my own. Nobody cares for me or helps me. I have only you. God I wish for a husband so much. Please God help me to hope that I won’t always be alone all my life. Please help me to know and love you in a real and meaningful way. Please teach me how to live in a way which will bring glory and honor to you. Teach me to trust you and rely on you only.”
I begged God to deliver me speedily. And three days later he opened a door for me to move to the other end of the USA. Moving in with the mother of a friend of mine. I did not know what compelled me to say yes - to begin selling and packing all I had. To buy a plane ticket and to move all the way from Ga to Wisconsin…. But I did. I knew if I did not get away from where I was - I would die a spiritual death.
My first weekend in Wisconsin, I went to the Church my friends go to, and Matt Cruiz was a guest speaker - Every word he said hit me in the right sort of way. It was about running from our calling, running and sinning over repentance. He was talking to believers not unbelievers. The Lord had worked on my heart that week and prepared all manner of things for me to release at the altar call. And that night when I worshipped - I saw Jesus. It was unlike anything I’ve experienced. It knocked me on my knees and I could not keep from crying. And I felt his peace wash away my pain. All he truly said was “Stop running now, my little dove. You have not messed up my Plans. I want you to now rest.” I was so relieved. Because I had been afraid I had run away again and made things worse than ever. But not according to Jesus.
I became closer to him over the months. And he opened door after door after door. Led me to my church home. To my home. To my current job. I now both have a driver’s license and a car. I’ve never felt more free or more happy and at peace than ever.
A year ago - I was at the darkest place I had ever been - perhaps even worse than when I was an unbeliever. Because when you haven’t seen the light you don’t truly know what the darkness is. But once you have seen the light and you return to darkness - it’s truly blinding.
But now I feel that my faith has become a whole different level of personal to me. I understand who I am in the Lord. And I also have learned that the past, though so painful and devastating to me in so many ways - is the past. If I don’t want it to ruin my future - I have to let it go. I have to forgive and bless those who have hurt me if I want to be forgiven myself.
Mercy triumphs over judgement. And Love has the last word, always. I just have to love people, serve people and in doing this - I please the Lord and in pleasing the Lord, my fellowship to Him is unbroken.
I know whose I am. And I care not where I am, what I do, who knows me or sees me just as long as I know His eyes are on me, and that I am His dwelling place. (I was going to say “Favorite Dwelling Place” But I am not opening that can of Worms
)
This coming Year all I want is more of Jesus. To quiet the places which scream inside "MORE STUFF" or that crave distractions like tv or music to be bearable. To surrender all to the Lordship of Christ. Everything and to trust both God's plan, his process and his purpose for my past, present and future. One way I want to do this is by focusing on one good habit "To intentionally intercede" first thing every morning.
I would love to hear what 2019 held in store for you? What are your hopes for 2020? What are fears that you are facing or that have bothered you? I don’t know - I just would like to open the floor for people to be raw, real and honest here.
with christian love,
Heart Melody
In 2018 I experienced a huge identity crisis. I did not know who I was, where I belonged, what I wanted and most importantly I completely forgot Whose I am. This sent me tumbling from high to low, I had no direction because in the midst of the storm I completely ignored the only constant - the North Star which would have guided me. I also did not want to use the tools of direction I have at my fingertips. I did not pray or read the bible. As I drifted further and further into the storm and completely let go of the rudder, the impressions and worldly garbage began to infiltrate my mind and clutter up my soul. I knew all the scriptures and how a Christian should speak and act- and so I desperately did those things trying to fit the picture. “Cling to ministry and fake it ‘till you make it”. But this formula did not work for me this time around. I slipped more and more into the darkness. My grip just wasn’t strong enough to cling to the Lord.
In March 2018 I got accepted to go on the WordRace because it seemed to me - this would be a deed worthy of a good Christian, and so I went about raising funds but my heart was only half in it and quickly I felt more fear than faith and I wished I could opt out of any and all ministry I was involved in. My personal life - the wounds I let fester, they had now made a very weak and wounded Christian. I was exhausted.
After a sit down with my Cousin/Pastor whose children’s minister I currently was, I quit it all. Worldrace, ministry and began to just be a shadow in church. I barely even went there - my mind stayed outside the church walls. I lived in sin - and so I would sneak to the restroom 10 minutes before service end to sit in the restroom. Waiting for communion to be over. Every single Sunday. I was not ready to repent and turn to the Lord - I could not see or sense Him, I did not want what I had thus far experienced as a Christian any longer.
I moved away from my family and then quit going to church all together - pretending I was going to a church with members in my own generation. Every Sunday if anyone asked “how was church” I would say “Praise God, it was great”. And I am sure it was - I just wouldn’t know, now would I? It was great for someone for sure. Removing God’s light completely from my life in form of church, scripture and Christians had many different impacts. One - I was constantly stressed out. I became an anxious wreck, I felt I liked myself better this way - I felt I was “Nicer”and “better off this way”. This was the beginning of December 2018 and by the end of January I was already fed up. I could not live it.
Yes - I had too much of the World let seep into my soul to be of any good to a Christian life - but I had the Word of truth etched into my heart, mind and soul and so was of no good to the Word either. I belonged to neither place in the state I was in. Something had to give - Either Jesus had to move out or I had to move back into the House of my Father. I was but a Ghost of any of my former selves.
This is the desperate Journal entry I wrote on January 31st 2019
“Beautiful Jesus
I don’t know where to start. I’ve never been this lost before. I’ve made darkness my dwelling place instead of You. I’ve wished for men to do horrible things to me. I cannot seem to see myself as you do. I don’t like or love myself at all. Jesus I need help. I’m done running now. Please forgive me. Please heal me. Led me out of the darkness. Teach me your ways Jesus. Please help me. I am lonely. I am on my own. Nobody cares for me or helps me. I have only you. God I wish for a husband so much. Please God help me to hope that I won’t always be alone all my life. Please help me to know and love you in a real and meaningful way. Please teach me how to live in a way which will bring glory and honor to you. Teach me to trust you and rely on you only.”
I begged God to deliver me speedily. And three days later he opened a door for me to move to the other end of the USA. Moving in with the mother of a friend of mine. I did not know what compelled me to say yes - to begin selling and packing all I had. To buy a plane ticket and to move all the way from Ga to Wisconsin…. But I did. I knew if I did not get away from where I was - I would die a spiritual death.
My first weekend in Wisconsin, I went to the Church my friends go to, and Matt Cruiz was a guest speaker - Every word he said hit me in the right sort of way. It was about running from our calling, running and sinning over repentance. He was talking to believers not unbelievers. The Lord had worked on my heart that week and prepared all manner of things for me to release at the altar call. And that night when I worshipped - I saw Jesus. It was unlike anything I’ve experienced. It knocked me on my knees and I could not keep from crying. And I felt his peace wash away my pain. All he truly said was “Stop running now, my little dove. You have not messed up my Plans. I want you to now rest.” I was so relieved. Because I had been afraid I had run away again and made things worse than ever. But not according to Jesus.
I became closer to him over the months. And he opened door after door after door. Led me to my church home. To my home. To my current job. I now both have a driver’s license and a car. I’ve never felt more free or more happy and at peace than ever.
A year ago - I was at the darkest place I had ever been - perhaps even worse than when I was an unbeliever. Because when you haven’t seen the light you don’t truly know what the darkness is. But once you have seen the light and you return to darkness - it’s truly blinding.
But now I feel that my faith has become a whole different level of personal to me. I understand who I am in the Lord. And I also have learned that the past, though so painful and devastating to me in so many ways - is the past. If I don’t want it to ruin my future - I have to let it go. I have to forgive and bless those who have hurt me if I want to be forgiven myself.
Mercy triumphs over judgement. And Love has the last word, always. I just have to love people, serve people and in doing this - I please the Lord and in pleasing the Lord, my fellowship to Him is unbroken.
I know whose I am. And I care not where I am, what I do, who knows me or sees me just as long as I know His eyes are on me, and that I am His dwelling place. (I was going to say “Favorite Dwelling Place” But I am not opening that can of Worms
) This coming Year all I want is more of Jesus. To quiet the places which scream inside "MORE STUFF" or that crave distractions like tv or music to be bearable. To surrender all to the Lordship of Christ. Everything and to trust both God's plan, his process and his purpose for my past, present and future. One way I want to do this is by focusing on one good habit "To intentionally intercede" first thing every morning.
I would love to hear what 2019 held in store for you? What are your hopes for 2020? What are fears that you are facing or that have bothered you? I don’t know - I just would like to open the floor for people to be raw, real and honest here.
with christian love,
Heart Melody
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