Odd issue

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Rickt4du

New member
#1
Jan 12, 2020
6
5
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#1
I am 51... a Christian.. former youth pastor, in the best relationship of my entire life.
Carrie and I have been dating for 10 months. We are both divorced and have adult children.
I absolutely love this woman more than I can express in words.
She is the Godliest, smartest, the most beautiful, hilarious woman I have ever known.
Our relationship started with God as the center and we have conducted ourselves accordingly. Purity isnt the issue.
I want to marry her.
She is very intentional.. the way she goes about being a girlfriend. I believe she loves me.. yet, she wont tell me so. She knows I want to hear it. She says she doesnt want to move too fast. 10 MONTHS! Am I moving too fast? We arent 20 here. She is my age.
Im not digging this weird timeline. March will be a year.
I have in Faith, already bought a ring. I absolutely do not pressure her.. I actually wish I would have been THIS guy in my youth...
But, I am not going to just date her forever. Im starting to feel anxious about US.
I suppose my question is...
Should I just continue and let her timeline lead? She says she is allowing yhe Holy Spirit to guide her in this. Well, I am too. And I seem to be at a different spot on this "timeline"
Rick
 
Mel85

Mel85

Daughter of the True King
#2
Mar 28, 2018
10,910
6,897
113
#2
Hi Rick.
Thanks for sharing your journey with us so far. I would encourage you to continue to seek the guidance and wisdom of God and when He says to move, then move.

Perhaps praying and fasting might help as well. If you feel she is on a different wave stage spiritually then give it to God and let God show you what to do.

All the best! :)
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#3
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,188
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#3
hmm
I dont know you asking us singles? what do we know? lol. well I will share anyway.

My thoughts are if you been dating for a year, when you do ask her to marry you and if she says yes you can just bring the wedding forward and get married the next day. Otherwise she will need ANOTHER year just to plan it.

In the Bible it does say you need to get to know your wife for at least a year before doing any work or having children or anything. So maybe shes in the 'getting to know you' phase.

Kudos to her for not jumping into anything, as you are both divorced I imagine both your adult children ought to know about this if this is a major life decision as it will affect them too, even if they are adults.
 
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Rickt4du

New member
#4
Jan 12, 2020
6
5
3
#4
Lanolin said:
hmm
I dont know you asking us singles? what do we know? lol. well I will share anyway.

My thoughts are if you been dating for a year, when you do ask her to marry you and if she says yes you can just bring the wedding forward and get married the next day. Otherwise she will need ANOTHER year just to plan it.

In the Bible it does say you need to get to know your wife for at least a year before doing any work or having children or anything. So maybe shes in the 'getting to know you' phase.

Kudos to her for not jumping into anything, as you are both divorced I imagine both your adult children ought to know about this if this is a major life decision as it will affect them too, even if they are adults.
Click to expand...
Just for the record.. I wasn't ready to just jump either. Lol. Im just thinking.. isn't it about time to jump?
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#5
Aug 2, 2009
24,646
4,305
113
#5
Rickt4du said:
...I believe she loves me.. yet, she wont tell me so. She knows I want to hear it.
Click to expand...
What is her reason for not saying the L word?

I believe that when you find the reason, you will find the answer to your question.
 
Mel85

Mel85

Daughter of the True King
#6
Mar 28, 2018
10,910
6,897
113
#6
Lanolin said:
In the Bible it does say you need to get to know your wife for at least a year before doing any work or having children or anything. So maybe shes in the 'getting to know you' phase.
Click to expand...
Where in the bible does it say this please?

Also, some couples I know have only been dating for less than a year before marrying eachother. I think it’s different for everyone.
 
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Rickt4du

New member
#7
Jan 12, 2020
6
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#7
zeroturbulence said:
What is her reason for not saying the L word?

I believe that when you find the reason, you will find the answer to your question.
Click to expand...
She feels that when that line is crossed.. things move faster. I suppose she has had issues in the past.
She says the nicest things.. and , I quote.. " UNPRECIDENTED, YOU ARE. YOU ARE A ONE AND ONLY CREATION OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF GOD"
I've never seen someone try so hard NOT to say I Love You. Lol
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#8
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,188
113
#8
Mel85 said:
Where in the bible does it say this please?

Also, some couples I know have only been dating for less than a year before marrying eachother. I think it’s different for everyone.
Click to expand...
Deuteronomy 24:5
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#9
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,188
113
#9
Rickt4du said:
She feels that when that line is crossed.. things move faster. I suppose she has had issues in the past.
She says the nicest things.. and , I quote.. " UNPRECIDENTED, YOU ARE. YOU ARE A ONE AND ONLY CREATION OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF GOD"
I've never seen someone try so hard NOT to say I Love You. Lol
Click to expand...
wow thats a long way to say I love You.

lol. I just said I love you, wrote it down, and everyone here can read it so its kinda easy for me.
I had a penpal who always wrote I love you at then end of every letter because she never heard it enough when she was growing up.
I always used to sign letters 'lots of love' to anybody I wrote to.
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#10
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
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#10
well I still do, but have learned some people think it might be abit strange. Oh well.

for those that want to hear it God says: I LOVE YOU.
 
Mel85

Mel85

Daughter of the True King
#11
Mar 28, 2018
10,910
6,897
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#11
Lanolin said:
Deuteronomy 24:5
Click to expand...
Deuteronomy 24:5 New International Version (NIV)
5 If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.

This scripture talks about the man being recently married. He is then to spend a year at home with his wife.

You said in your previous post that the bible says “you need to get to know your wife for a year......” - these are two very different meanings here.
 
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17Bees

Senior Member
#12
Oct 14, 2016
1,380
813
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#12
Hey Rick - You sound very excited about this relationship and I'm happy for you. That's probably why your sense of patience is under so much stress right now. You don't wanna be patient! Can't blame you there. But I can see you are emotionally and now financially enmeshed in this relationship while she might not be, or at least not to the same extent as you. That would define your and her different levels of patience. So, I think a part of any real relation is understanding that she's not you. And if you love her you'll love her for who she is and not what you want her to be.

To me, she sounds lovely, but beyond that she maybe places great emphisis on declaring love. She understands its significance that includes longevity, commitment, and the pledge of declaring a lifetime to a mate. You may have a real Proverbs 31 woman on your hands :). So.... 10 months... pffft. Be still Rick and know that He is God. That's my advice.
 
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Rickt4du

New member
#13
Jan 12, 2020
6
5
3
#13
17Bees said:
Hey Rick - You sound very excited about this relationship and I'm happy for you. That's probably why your sense of patience is under so much stress right now. You don't wanna be patient! Can't blame you there. But I can see you are emotionally and now financially enmeshed in this relationship while she might not be, or at least not to the same extent as you. That would define your and her different levels of patience. So, I think a part of any real relation is understanding that she's not you. And if you love her you'll love her for who she is and not what you want her to be.

To me, she sounds lovely, but beyond that she maybe places great emphisis on declaring love. She understands its significance that includes longevity, commitment, and the pledge of declaring a lifetime to a mate. You may have a real Proverbs 31 woman on your hands :). So.... 10 months... pffft. Be still Rick and know that He is God. That's my advice.
Click to expand...
She absolutely is, just that. AND..
I hear you. And I am being patient. She even remarks on it. I came here to vent! Hahaha
 
cinder

cinder

Senior Member
#14
Mar 26, 2014
4,433
2,419
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#14
Sounds like it's time for some serious conversations about where the relationship is going, what issues there might be that make this feel too fast or too slow for each of you, and a timeline you can both agree on for making a decison (or at least revisiting the topic) on moving forward.

But I'm the type that likes schedules and plans and deadlines to orient myself and my decison making to, otherwise if left with a major life decision like she will be facing, I tend to suffer from analysis paralysis and have a hard time putting all those thoughts into action. And I've never been in a serious dating relationship, so take my advice for what it's worth.
 
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Rickt4du

New member
#15
Jan 12, 2020
6
5
3
#15
cinder said:
Sounds like it's time for some serious conversations about where the relationship is going, what issues there might be that make this feel too fast or too slow for each of you, and a timeline you can both agree on for making a decison (or at least revisiting the topic) on moving forward.

But I'm the type that likes schedules and plans and deadlines to orient myself and my decison making to, otherwise if left with a major life decision like she will be facing, I tend to suffer from analysis paralysis and have a hard time putting all those thoughts into action. And I've never been in a serious dating relationship, so take my advice for what it's worth.
Click to expand...
Analysis Paralysis!!! I have to remember that one. FANTASTIC!!!
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#16
Aug 2, 2009
24,646
4,305
113
#16
Rickt4du said:
She feels that when that line is crossed.. things move faster. I suppose she has had issues in the past.
She says the nicest things.. and , I quote.. " UNPRECIDENTED, YOU ARE. YOU ARE A ONE AND ONLY CREATION OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF GOD"
I've never seen someone try so hard NOT to say I Love You. Lol
Click to expand...
Ah then it sounds like she just isn't ready to trust again. I think she probably just needs more time because the things she says to you sounds like she knows that she loves you but is simply afraid to say it. 10 months sounds like a lot of time, but her past wounds may still be fresh.
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#17
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
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#17
Im referring to the quote in Deuteronomy because the Bible gives an entire YEAR for the husband to court or please his wife. Remember back in those days they really had no such thing as DATING.

Its the principle.

If you all read the Bible, which Im sure most of you do, a year is nothing! 7 years was nothing to Jacob to woo Rachel. Because he was so in love with her, it didnt seem very long. And he was young too.

Abraham and Sarah, well how long did they wait until Sarah was pregnant? it was YEARS.

why in such a hurry? Patience is a virtue, not a sentence.

Plus who doesnt know the maxim marry in haste, repent at leisure. Just how long did it take for people to marry the first time? If both ended in divorce, what does that tell you?
 
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Ruby123

Guest
#18
#18
Sounds like she is being cautious, wanting to be sure about it all. If you push her or show any impatience that may cause alarm bells to ring. Do you feel like this relationship is from the Lord, that this woman is the one for you?
This needs to be answered with the feelings pushed aside as it sounds like your feelings are very strong for her and you don't want this to cloud anything esp what the Lord is saying in it all. If you definately believe that it is so pray that the Lord will deal with the fears, indecisiveness and anything else that is stopping her from letting down her guard and making a decision and move and then wait for the Lord to do so.
You want someone to commit to you because they are sure and ready anything else may cause problems in the future and I am sure that is the last thing you would want.
 
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Ruby123

Guest
#19
#19
17Bees said:
Hey Rick - You sound very excited about this relationship and I'm happy for you. That's probably why your sense of patience is under so much stress right now. You don't wanna be patient! Can't blame you there. But I can see you are emotionally and now financially enmeshed in this relationship while she might not be, or at least not to the same extent as you. That would define your and her different levels of patience. So, I think a part of any real relation is understanding that she's not you. And if you love her you'll love her for who she is and not what you want her to be.

To me, she sounds lovely, but beyond that she maybe places great emphisis on declaring love. She understands its significance that includes longevity, commitment, and the pledge of declaring a lifetime to a mate. You may have a real Proverbs 31 woman on your hands :). So.... 10 months... pffft. Be still Rick and know that He is God. That's my advice.
Click to expand...

17 Bees, maybe you should do premarital counselling (y)
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#20
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
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#20
if a man wanted to marry me the instant he saw me, I would be very cautious.Just saying.
Most guys who do that come a cropper. Take it from someone who has spoken to a lot of divorcees. And some men think they can skip the courting lets face it some think after three dates its all on and they practically move in. Three measly dates! You havent even had time to see what family fiascos happpen over Christmas!

Now if you have a Ruth Boaz scenario its only permissable to get the knot tied quicker if your mother in-law of your first husband puts you -the potential bride- up to it.
 
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