Tired of Grieving Alone

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Hungry

Banned
#21
Nov 26, 2012
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#21
inukubo said:
Saturday morning, I found out one of my dear friends and role models in the faith suddenly passed away and it really shook me. His family live several states away, but fortunately I was able to watch the memorial service online and grieve and offer some kind of support to the family.

However, it got me thinking about my own life and how every single emotionally significant event of my married life I have had to experience alone. This weekend, I had to grieve alone. When our dog had to be put down, it was me alone who had to take him to the vet and be with him. When I passed a big test and wanted somebody to celebrate with, I barely got any acknowledgment before she went straight back to gossiping about somebody else. When I have something I really want to do like go to a concert of one of my favorite bands, I have to go alone because she is not interested. She's never given me a present for my birthday, Christmas, or our anniversary. It's so depressing to spend 16 years of your life with someone and them not being involved in or concerned about your life or emotions at all, aside from what they can get out of you.

I'm sorry, I just had to vent, but this is so exhausting.
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Curious....what’s your favourite band? Also, buy your wife a mediocre but not a crappy present for Christmas. Then buy yourself a super awesome present and tag it from her. Then act surprised and open it all excited. Make a huge deal about how much you like it and how this has been the best Christmas for you. Either she will realize she has been neglecting you or she won’t care and think you’re crazy but hey....at least you got what you wanted for Christmas!
 
inukubo

inukubo

Active member
#22
Jun 27, 2019
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#22
UKChris said:
WOW!!! I've just had a vent on the Sad and Lonely thread about a man who sounds exactly like the 'she' you refer to. Wanting to be with you but not really present. I am so sorry - it really hurts, doesn't it, when someone you love just doesn't connect with you on an intimate or emotional level. I suspect my manfriend may be Aspergers or on the Autistic Spectrum somewhere - does your other half possibly show traits of some kind of condition/illness that may be affecting her. Not that that minimises the hurt, but it may provide a possible explanation. Last Christmas I asked for an Amaryllis, but he said it wouldn't flower in time, so, having asked me what I wanted, he then decided not to give me that but pay for a meal. I was grateful but my feelings were passed over. In the end I have just had to accept that is the way he is, although he is grossly insensitive at times. I am glad our Heavenly Father has such tender feelings; during this time of so many of us being hidden away with Him, I suspect a lot of hidden wounds may be surfacing and I think He would like us to just sit with Him and receive His love and wisdom. He will listen, I am sure. You remember when the Israelites got to Gilgal, where they 'did the deed' and all waited there until all the men healed up, and after that, they got on with the next stage of the journey. Vent all you like by the way, if it helps the healing process. Sending love and prayers x
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Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I believe she may have a serious personality disorder. For a long time, I chalked up her inability to communicate and weird responses to things as just a cultural & language barrier. The more I've experienced and learned -- and the more fluent I've become in her language -- I've realized it is not just a cultural thing. There is definitely something psychological going on that doesn't allow her to experience the normal range of human emotions. There seems to be a real lack of empathy and inability to comprehend others' feelings.
 
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kaylagrl

Guest
#23
#23
inukubo said:
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I believe she may have a serious personality disorder. For a long time, I chalked up her inability to communicate and weird responses to things as just a cultural & language barrier. The more I've experienced and learned -- and the more fluent I've become in her language -- I've realized it is not just a cultural thing. There is definitely something psychological going on that doesn't allow her to experience the normal range of human emotions. There seems to be a real lack of empathy and inability to comprehend others' feelings.
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But it could be the culture, not everyone culture emotes the way yours does. For instance, my sister and I both married men from the south but we are Canadian. Sometimes we are still ironing things out because of different cultures. My family will say things my husband would see as totally ignorant. But I have to explain it's a culture issue.
 
Mii

Mii

Well-known member
#24
Mar 23, 2019
2,082
1,330
113
#24
inukubo said:
Saturday morning, I found out one of my dear friends and role models in the faith suddenly passed away and it really shook me. His family live several states away, but fortunately I was able to watch the memorial service online and grieve and offer some kind of support to the family.

However, it got me thinking about my own life and how every single emotionally significant event of my married life I have had to experience alone. This weekend, I had to grieve alone. When our dog had to be put down, it was me alone who had to take him to the vet and be with him. When I passed a big test and wanted somebody to celebrate with, I barely got any acknowledgment before she went straight back to gossiping about somebody else. When I have something I really want to do like go to a concert of one of my favorite bands, I have to go alone because she is not interested. She's never given me a present for my birthday, Christmas, or our anniversary. It's so depressing to spend 16 years of your life with someone and them not being involved in or concerned about your life or emotions at all, aside from what they can get out of you.

I'm sorry, I just had to vent, but this is so exhausting.
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Is it possible there is some deep seated trauma from her past that may have some say in her treatment of you?
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#25
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
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#25
well some cultures do not give gifts for christmas or birthdays or anniversries. They may celebrate a different way by having a feast or just giving money or spending time together. If shes not aware of this or didnt grow up receiving any gifts then what do you expect.

I am just saying try and look from her point of view rather than dismiss everything as a personality disorder.

some husbands might expect their wives to attend every football match but reality is do women really enjoy some sports that much especially if its ONLY males playing ? Concerts...is this band an all male band that sings about only guy things?

Pets was your pet both of yours or just yours?
 
inukubo

inukubo

Active member
#26
Jun 27, 2019
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#26
Mii said:
Is it possible there is some deep seated trauma from her past that may have some say in her treatment of you?
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Yes, she has alluded to some sort of abuse from a family member when she was a child. I'm pretty sure that has something to do with it as well as her overall upbringing. Her family tends to be pretty critical and argumentative.
 
inukubo

inukubo

Active member
#27
Jun 27, 2019
169
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#27
Lanolin said:
well some cultures do not give gifts for christmas or birthdays or anniversries. They may celebrate a different way by having a feast or just giving money or spending time together. If shes not aware of this or didnt grow up receiving any gifts then what do you expect.

I am just saying try and look from her point of view rather than dismiss everything as a personality disorder.

some husbands might expect their wives to attend every football match but reality is do women really enjoy some sports that much especially if its ONLY males playing ? Concerts...is this band an all male band that sings about only guy things?

Pets was your pet both of yours or just yours?
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It's not culture. I work as a translator in the language and work 5 days a week with other members of her culture and have many other friends of the same culture, and this is very much an individual issue. While the gift-giving traditions are different -- different holidays and occasions, etc -- gift-giving is still a huge part of the culture, probably even more so than in America. She often buys gifts for her family members or friends. She has participated in on our family Christmas and birthday celebrations for almost 20 years and watches everyone give everyone gifts, so it's not ignorance. Also, when I gave her gifts, she would usually just complain about it or say I shouldn't have wasted the money. Same thing when I tried to plan nice outings for us to spend time together. So now I don't waste my money or my time. Jesus said to not throw your pearls before swine, so I stopped trying to care. Unfortunately, there are some people you just can't please or make appreciate you, so you just have to forget about it and move on with your life. :(
 
E

EverlyGrace

New member
#28
Apr 28, 2020
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#28
I’m so sorry! This breaks my heart to hear. There are biblical duties a wife must fulfill as well. Talk to her about biblical counseling and see if that’s an option. If not, God will lead you in the direction he wants you to go. I will pray for you, my friend, for wisdom to lead you in the right direction, for healing, and for love you so much deserve.
 
U

UKChris

Member
#29
May 8, 2020
77
56
18
UK
#29
inukubo said:
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I believe she may have a serious personality disorder. For a long time, I chalked up her inability to communicate and weird responses to things as just a cultural & language barrier. The more I've experienced and learned -- and the more fluent I've become in her language -- I've realized it is not just a cultural thing. There is definitely something psychological going on that doesn't allow her to experience the normal range of human emotions. There seems to be a real lack of empathy and inability to comprehend others' feelings.
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I am not a diagnostician but it sounds rather like something like Autism or Aspbergers. I did a whole Google search on a range of labels that matched his symptoms but am very wary of attaching man-made labels as I feel it could be limiting. From my own experiences and observations as a believer and the pathway I have travelled, I feel that many people are suffering from post-trauma stress which manifests in various ways, including detachment, inability to feel, but they may not recognise that. If she was abused as a child or later, she may have split from her emotions. I think that is called dissociation when the mind and emotions are not connected, some sort of disconnect. Only the Lord really knows. I also know that trauma is a gateway for spiritual oppression and I had an experience of a sudden breakup which completely traumatised me and I became almost a different person for a while because of the complete shock because my spirit was broken by it, but that was some years ago, I am well over the dude now and back on track, but I learned a lot through that. Recently I have been listening to an online 7 part series called Love Is Medicine. It was very interesting to learn that sometimes people's emotional brains do not develop with the result that they cannot interpret emotions. They were talking about the mind body connection. There are very effective treatments now, so I hear, but as believers we obviously have to sift them with discernment in case they are not of God. I'm part of a zoom prayer group now, on FB, called Freedom Healing Home. We pray on Saturday mornings, UK time. Do come visit if you want prayer, group or private, or if your wife does -it would be an honour.
 
1christian1

1christian1

Banned
#30
Sep 13, 2018
2,587
885
113
#30
inukubo said:
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I believe she may have a serious personality disorder. For a long time, I chalked up her inability to communicate and weird responses to things as just a cultural & language barrier. The more I've experienced and learned -- and the more fluent I've become in her language -- I've realized it is not just a cultural thing. There is definitely something psychological going on that doesn't allow her to experience the normal range of human emotions. There seems to be a real lack of empathy and inability to comprehend others' feelings.
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Is she from a different country? Did she get a green card out of this?
 
R

Runningman

Banned
#31
Mar 4, 2020
8,614
3,691
113
#31
Been in something like that before. I ended up just going my own way. I stayed with her, but I went my own way, stopped defining myself on the status of the relationship, made new friends, formed an entirely different life that she wasn't involved in, pursued my dreams and passions. It wasn't hostile, just the flame died and that's ok in my opinion. She eventually became more like an acquaintance/room mate/helper with bills and chores.

So maybe you just need to not be alone. Make some real friends, schedule a vacation with them or a road trip, pursue your hobbies and have fun with a group.

Obviously keep praying about the situation and remember you always have Jesus. Praise the Lord. I will pray for you bro. Feel free to vent to me any time.
 
1christian1

1christian1

Banned
#32
Sep 13, 2018
2,587
885
113
#32
Runningman said:
Been in something like that before. I ended up just going my own way. I stayed with her, but I went my own way, stopped defining myself on the status of the relationship, made new friends, formed an entirely different life that she wasn't involved in, pursued my dreams and passions. It wasn't hostile, just the flame died and that's ok in my opinion. She eventually became more like an acquaintance/room mate/helper with bills and chores.

So maybe you just need to not be alone. Make some real friends, schedule a vacation with them or a road trip, pursue your hobbies and have fun with a group.

Obviously keep praying about the situation and remember you always have Jesus. Praise the Lord. I will pray for you bro. Feel free to vent to me any time.
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The reason I asked. Been there, done that...
 
H

Hungry

Banned
#35
Nov 26, 2012
3,095
1,050
113
#35
inukubo said:
She got citizenship. But what's more, she got away from her mother.
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I guess that sure adds a different dimension to your situation. I thought originally that you grew apart. I see now you probably never grew together. Sorry for your pain. There is a world of opportunities for companionship outside of the home. Find out who you are then you may find your people.
 
inukubo

inukubo

Active member
#36
Jun 27, 2019
169
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#36
Hungry said:
I guess that sure adds a different dimension to your situation. I thought originally that you grew apart. I see now you probably never grew together. Sorry for your pain. There is a world of opportunities for companionship outside of the home. Find out who you are then you may find your people.
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I feel like it was more of a bait and switch. When we were dating, she was excited about everything I liked and I felt we had so much in common. After we were married and she got away from her family, I guess she felt like she got what she wanted so she stopped her act.
 
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Kim82

Guest
#37
#37
inukubo said:
I feel like it was more of a bait and switch. When we were dating, she was excited about everything I liked and I felt we had so much in common. After we were married and she got away from her family, I guess she felt like she got what she wanted so she stopped her act.
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Well clearly you made a mistake, and now your life is a misery.

Does your wife work? Are you the one who supports her financially?
 
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Prycejosh1987

Well-known member
#38
Jul 19, 2020
1,016
189
63
#38
inukubo said:
Saturday morning, I found out one of my dear friends and role models in the faith suddenly passed away and it really shook me. His family live several states away, but fortunately I was able to watch the memorial service online and grieve and offer some kind of support to the family.
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Be happy if they remained in faith they went to heaven. You can do the same and work on building an authentic and organic connection with God.
 
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