Admitted Feelings=Lost Salvation

[OBASBTO]

It’s honestly a long and complicated story that I’m hurting about too much to type out so I’m going to keep it brief.
I met someone that had/has a lot of pain and issues in their life so naturally I encouraged them to reach out to God.

Skip a little while later, I tell them I’d only date a Christian. (Can’t even remember how this part happened.)

Skip even later and I’m debating whether or not to admit my feelings for this person cause i don’t want them to try to become a Christian just so they can date me.

Later still, I admit my feelings and now we’re both frustrated that we can’t date because I’m refusing to date an unbeliever, even tho this person said that they don’t mind my faith and won’t try to change my mind on it, and is even somewhat interested in Christianity.

Now I feel like I ruined their chances at becoming a Christian in order to pursue a real relationship with Christ, cause now I’m afraid it would mostly be to date me. They said that they’re interested in trying Christianity and developing faith, but it’s something they’d want to take slowly.

I have no idea where to go from here.

 

[cinder]

It’s honestly a long and complicated story that I’m hurting about too much to type out so I’m going to keep it brief.
I met someone that had/has a lot of pain and issues in their life so naturally I encouraged them to reach out to God.

Skip a little while later, I tell them I’d only date a Christian. (Can’t even remember how this part happened.)

Skip even later and I’m debating whether or not to admit my feelings for this person cause i don’t want them to try to become a Christian just so they can date me.

Later still, I admit my feelings and now we’re both frustrated that we can’t date because I’m refusing to date an unbeliever, even tho this person said that they don’t mind my faith and won’t try to change my mind on it, and is even somewhat interested in Christianity.

Now I feel like I ruined their chances at becoming a Christian in order to pursue a real relationship with Christ, cause now I’m afraid it would mostly be to date me. They said that they’re interested in trying Christianity and developing faith, but it’s something they’d want to take slowly.

I have no idea where to go from here.

From what you've said, it's hard but it doesn't sound like anything is necessarily ruined yet. This other person has said they're interested in Christianity and exploring faith, while it's tough right now with covid is there a good church you know to help them get connected with or are there other people (ideally of the same sex) that you could introduce this person to to help disciple this person? If someone is going to develop a faith that lasts beyond their association with a certain person, they need a wider faith community than just that one person.

It would also be good to expand the circle of Christian support because if you spend a lot of time with this person and are their main go to for support, those frustrating feelings are naturally going to deepen. So for probably both of your sanity you need to find a way to reduce the time you spend together without leaving this person feeling abandoned. And avoid the temptation to sweep in and be the one to save said person from all their wounds and struggles; they need to learn to depend on God first not you first.

That's the best advice I've got. But do want to say well done for sticking to your convictions even when it's costly and painful. Many don't and it shows the true depth of your character and commitment to the Lord.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

Essentially what you've created is perpetual doubt in your mind regarding this person. So this will result in one of two likely responses.
1) That you will always doubt the sincerity of any claims of salvation this person may ever make. Which may always prevent you from moving forward with them, or if you do progress a relationship you will forever have a seed of doubt, no matter what.
2) You will want to believe it's true and accept it and ignore anything that suggests otherwise, especially if you move forward. Though likely you'll still always have a doubt buried away still.

Two things people should never do when considering dating anyone. Never expect them to change into something you want them to be.
Never expect them to stay the same, they will change and likely in ways you didn't expect.

Really if you can't accept a person for who they are, now, you have no business being with them. Whether that is mental problems, health problems, conflicts in beliefs, intelligence, their job situation...

And the problems with expressing feelings for someone you refuse to date because they aren't Christian is will you not dating them turn them from God? Will they be hurt and angry and blame God?
And will a fear of that push you into a relationship with someone you aren't convinced you should be with?

 

[tourist]

Essentially what you've created is perpetual doubt in your mind regarding this person. So this will result in one of two likely responses.
1) That you will always doubt the sincerity of any claims of salvation this person may ever make. Which may always prevent you from moving forward with them, or if you do progress a relationship you will forever have a seed of doubt, no matter what.
2) You will want to believe it's true and accept it and ignore anything that suggests otherwise, especially if you move forward. Though likely you'll still always have a doubt buried away still.

Two things people should never do when considering dating anyone. Never expect them to change into something you want them to be.
Never expect them to stay the same, they will change and likely in ways you didn't expect.

Really if you can't accept a person for who they are, now, you have no business being with them. Whether that is mental problems, health problems, conflicts in beliefs, intelligence, their job situation...

And the problems with expressing feelings for someone you refuse to date because they aren't Christian is will you not dating them turn them from God? Will they be hurt and angry and blame God?
And will a fear of that push you into a relationship with someone you aren't convinced you should be with?

I fully concur with your estimation. Either accept the person for who they are or leave. No one should have any expectation that a person may change in such a way that they now approve of who they are.

 

[Kireina]

From a woman who dated an unbeliever a broken man and a spiritually dead man. Here is my advice.... Let God change their heart before you try to start a relationship with them...I would advice you to stick to what God put in your heart about not dating an unbeliever....No matter how long you gonna wait...it is worth it bro.


I understand your desire in seeing this lady to come to faith,it was the same feeling I felt when I entered a relationship with an unbeliever.


But, You don't need to be with her for her to be saved...find someone who will keep in touch with her and become her spiritual mentor... See from there if she is still interested in God even if you are out of the picture.

Sometimes some people become interested in God because you are interested in the Lord...just to please you...and get you...(please, I am not saying she is the same she could be genuinely seeking God )

Forming a relationship with an unbeliever is a great risk you can go ahead with caution...there is a chance you can bring her to Christ but there is a huge chance that she will pull you away from the Lord that is a very clear truth, that happens, sadly...


Thanks for sharing this to all of us,here ❤
May God's will be done in your life and in her life. In the future, even if you and her will not end up together may the seed of truth and love of God you shared with her will grow in her heart In Jesus name! And if it is the will of God for you and this woman to be together Praise God it would be awesome! God bless you ❤

 

[OBASBTO]

I’ll reply to everything individually when I can, but I want to ask: do you think it would have been better if I had just kept my feelings to myself and continued repressing/suppressing them?
I mean I realize that it’s futile to wonder “what would have happened,” but still. Originally I was planning on never admitting my feelings to avoid this very situation, but when they started saying that they literally thought that I was rejecting them, I couldn’t take it and ended up confessing that I had feelings but couldn’t act on them.

 

[AndyMaleh]

It’s honestly a long and complicated story that I’m hurting about too much to type out so I’m going to keep it brief.
I met someone that had/has a lot of pain and issues in their life so naturally I encouraged them to reach out to God.

Skip a little while later, I tell them I’d only date a Christian. (Can’t even remember how this part happened.)

Skip even later and I’m debating whether or not to admit my feelings for this person cause i don’t want them to try to become a Christian just so they can date me.

Later still, I admit my feelings and now we’re both frustrated that we can’t date because I’m refusing to date an unbeliever, even tho this person said that they don’t mind my faith and won’t try to change my mind on it, and is even somewhat interested in Christianity.

Now I feel like I ruined their chances at becoming a Christian in order to pursue a real relationship with Christ, cause now I’m afraid it would mostly be to date me. They said that they’re interested in trying Christianity and developing faith, but it’s something they’d want to take slowly.

I have no idea where to go from here.

It’s a bit tough for you to see the situation realistically due to your bias. If you feel this relationship could lead to marriage, this would be good to pursue, but you need to ask for the help of a man you can trust from your family who can see the other man’s intentions more accurately and decide what the best course of action is going forward. For example, the man could take care of your date’s catechism and setting some conditions that need to be met before your date could date you any further. I think at minimum, the conditions should include attending church every Sunday for six months assuming no lockdown and getting baptized ASAP. These could be reasonable conditions to test the waters before moving forward. If the man attends your church, you can continue meeting there only as attendees, not for dating.

I pray that you get the help you need in dating.

Godspeed.

 

[OBASBTO]

From what you've said, it's hard but it doesn't sound like anything is necessarily ruined yet. This other person has said they're interested in Christianity and exploring faith, while it's tough right now with covid is there a good church you know to help them get connected with or are there other people (ideally of the same sex) that you could introduce this person to to help disciple this person? If someone is going to develop a faith that lasts beyond their association with a certain person, they need a wider faith community than just that one person.

It would also be good to expand the circle of Christian support because if you spend a lot of time with this person and are their main go to for support, those frustrating feelings are naturally going to deepen. So for probably both of your sanity you need to find a way to reduce the time you spend together without leaving this person feeling abandoned. And avoid the temptation to sweep in and be the one to save said person from all their wounds and struggles; they need to learn to depend on God first not you first.

That's the best advice I've got. But do want to say well done for sticking to your convictions even when it's costly and painful. Many don't and it shows the true depth of your character and commitment to the Lord.

They did just mention again that they are truly interested in finding faith eventually. Seems risky to date them before that happens though, as much as I want to start dating them like now.

I myself haven’t been to church in forever because of Covid and such, so I don’t really feel like I can recommend anything in that sense.

As for time being spent with them, we’re coworkers and don’t get much free time together. We play video games together though and voice chat while we play. And yeah I definitely want to avoid making them feel abandoned by me.

And yeah I do my best to help them while also encouraging them to reach out to God. I know that I haven’t done as good of a job at this as I should, ngl. I do tell them that I’m praying for them a lot, if that counts for anything.

And yeah it’s been extremely hard for me because I really do love and care about this person, and they are really frustrated also that I feel this way about them but can’t officially date them. And because I probably haven’t handled this as well I should have, I feel very much to blame for both of our frustrations.

 

[OBASBTO]

Essentially what you've created is perpetual doubt in your mind regarding this person. So this will result in one of two likely responses.
1) That you will always doubt the sincerity of any claims of salvation this person may ever make. Which may always prevent you from moving forward with them, or if you do progress a relationship you will forever have a seed of doubt, no matter what.
2) You will want to believe it's true and accept it and ignore anything that suggests otherwise, especially if you move forward. Though likely you'll still always have a doubt buried away still.

Two things people should never do when considering dating anyone. Never expect them to change into something you want them to be.
Never expect them to stay the same, they will change and likely in ways you didn't expect.

Really if you can't accept a person for who they are, now, you have no business being with them. Whether that is mental problems, health problems, conflicts in beliefs, intelligence, their job situation...

Yeah, I totally hear everything that you’re saying, especially that “seed of doubt” thing.

Honestly I don’t expect them to change just because that’s an unfair thing to place on them.

 

[OBASBTO]

And the problems with expressing feelings for someone you refuse to date because they aren't Christian is will you not dating them turn them from God? Will they be hurt and angry and blame God?
And will a fear of that push you into a relationship with someone you aren't convinced you should be with?

Don’t take this to be rude, but, yeah, that was kind of the point of this thread. I’m dealing with those thoughts all swirling in my head now and wondering what to do about it.

 

[OBASBTO]

I fully concur with your estimation. Either accept the person for who they are or leave. No one should have any expectation that a person may change in such a way that they now approve of who they are.

Well yeah again that’s why this is hard because everything else about them is completely fine with me. I don’t like trying to change people in that sense.

 

[OBASBTO]

From a woman who dated an unbeliever a broken man and a spiritually dead man. Here is my advice.... Let God change their heart before you try to start a relationship with them...I would advice you to stick to what God put in your heart about not dating an unbeliever....No matter how long you gonna wait...it is worth it bro.


I understand your desire in seeing this lady to come to faith,it was the same feeling I felt when I entered a relationship with an unbeliever.


But, You don't need to be with her for her to be saved...find someone who will keep in touch with her and become her spiritual mentor... See from there if she is still interested in God even if you are out of the picture.

Sometimes some people become interested in God because you are interested in the Lord...just to please you...and get you...(please, I am not saying she is the same she could be genuinely seeking God )

Forming a relationship with an unbeliever is a great risk you can go ahead with caution...there is a chance you can bring her to Christ but there is a huge chance that she will pull you away from the Lord that is a very clear truth, that happens, sadly...


Thanks for sharing this to all of us,here ❤
May God's will be done in your life and in her life. In the future, even if you and her will not end up together may the seed of truth and love of God you shared with her will grow in her heart In Jesus name! And if it is the will of God for you and this woman to be together Praise God it would be awesome! God bless you ❤

Would you mind elaborating on your relationship a little bit? Like, how did they react to you being Christian, why did you decide to do it, etc.? If you’re uncomfortable with it then you definitely don’t have to, I’m just curious to know.

And yeah that’s kind of what I’m afraid of, them mostly being interested in God for me. I’m not really sure how to like...ask if they’d be interested in talking to someone else about faith. Like...I’m not sure what kind of impression it would leave.

And yeah I definitely don’t want to be pulled away from God and that’s why I won’t let myself date this person, no matter how much we both want to date.

And yeah I was hoping/praying for their salvation even before I caught feelings for them. I know that God can change their life for the better.

 

[OBASBTO]

It’s a bit tough for you to see the situation realistically due to your bias. If you feel this relationship could lead to marriage, this would be good to pursue, but you need to ask for the help of a man you can trust from your family who can see the other man’s intentions more accurately and decide what the best course of action is going forward. For example, the man could take care of your date’s catechism and setting some conditions that need to be met before your date could date you any further. I think at minimum, the conditions should include attending church every Sunday for six months assuming no lockdown and getting baptized ASAP. These could be reasonable conditions to test the waters before moving forward. If the man attends your church, you can continue meeting there only as attendees, not for dating.

I pray that you get the help you need in dating.

Godspeed.

Thank you for that advice, I appreciate it.

 

[Ruby123]

I think non believers think they can sway you away from God because their love is stronger and sadly this happens alot, thus the warning God gives us to not go there. He knows we are weak. Then we all use the excuse that God is love and surely he would approve of this relationship and we would be bringing this person to Christ. Sometimes this does happen.
But I have found that the non believer will resent you because of your faith and you will resent them because of their lack of it.
I would pray for this person and play the role of friend only. Leave their salvation to the Lord and give your feelings for them to the Lord as well. This person may not be the person for you. Right now it is high emotions. Do you really know what this person is like behind the scenes?
Give it all to God and be a friend only. Don't go past that boundary and see what the Lord says about it all and be obedient to that. I have made this mistake already and was upset with the Lord when he said no but down the road I saw this person who I thought was so wonderful at the time not so. I was totally fooled. I am not saying this will be the case for you but I am suggesting give it to the Lord and be obedient to what he says. It will be in your best interest.

 

[SoulWeaver]

It’s honestly a long and complicated story that I’m hurting about too much to type out so I’m going to keep it brief.
I met someone that had/has a lot of pain and issues in their life so naturally I encouraged them to reach out to God.

Skip a little while later, I tell them I’d only date a Christian. (Can’t even remember how this part happened.)

Skip even later and I’m debating whether or not to admit my feelings for this person cause i don’t want them to try to become a Christian just so they can date me.

Later still, I admit my feelings and now we’re both frustrated that we can’t date because I’m refusing to date an unbeliever, even tho this person said that they don’t mind my faith and won’t try to change my mind on it, and is even somewhat interested in Christianity.

Now I feel like I ruined their chances at becoming a Christian in order to pursue a real relationship with Christ, cause now I’m afraid it would mostly be to date me. They said that they’re interested in trying Christianity and developing faith, but it’s something they’d want to take slowly.

I have no idea where to go from here.

Well first off, you did according to your conscience, you also thought about this person's well being. So there is no true reason to beat yourself up. In fact there's never a good reason for that, God is interested only in fruitful things like change of our behavior, and He has no profit if we keep torturing ourselves. But can you change your behavior? Probably not, because you acted according to your conviction. What you're speaking now sounds to me more like the enemy introducing doubt to trouble you, but you will know best to judge it.

We are not God and it's impossible for us to know everything, other peoples' souls, how will others react to us, or the future. It is not realistic to put that burden upon ourselves. It is enough to do according to one's conscience. You did not ruin any thing, if God set His mind on this person to come to Him the Spirit will draw her. If you're meant to be dating in the future you will be dating. There is no guilt to be had, you did what you genuinely believed was right to do, actually you are so concerned with it that you're second guessing yourself now. Beating yourself up when you did your best is not what God would want for you. Maybe embracing grace and peace will help you gain more clarity in the situation. It is hard to think or see things clearly when burdened with guilt or doubts. Where to go from here? Reject guilt and doubt. Jmo

 

[SoulWeaver]

I think non believers think they can sway you away from God because their love is stronger and sadly this happens alot, thus the warning God gives us to not go there. He knows we are weak. Then we all use the excuse that God is love and surely he would approve of this relationship and we would be bringing this person to Christ. Sometimes this does happen.
But I have found that the non believer will resent you because of your faith and you will resent them because of their lack of it.
I would pray for this person and play the role of friend only. Leave their salvation to the Lord and give your feelings for them to the Lord as well. This person may not be the person for you. Right now it is high emotions. Do you really know what this person is like behind the scenes?
Give it all to God and be a friend only. Don't go past that boundary and see what the Lord says about it all and be obedient to that. I have made this mistake already and was upset with the Lord when he said no but down the road I saw this person who I thought was so wonderful at the time not so. I was totally fooled. I am not saying this will be the case for you but I am suggesting give it to the Lord and be obedient to what he says. It will be in your best interest.

It's so hard to clear the confusion out of your head when God says No, until you've experienced why He said No and start celebrating with Him for getting you out of that relationship and realize how happy of a development that is. Had similar experience when I was younger, not at all wonderful person but very manipulative and when it doesn't go his way, violent. Our mutual friends were all very surprised. Eh? Did God not know?

I'll just add that people labeling themselves as Christian might just be "cultural Christians" but not really practicing, which also can deceive and has potential to go the same or worse than dating an unbeliever because they are unregenerate.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

Don’t take this to be rude, but, yeah, that was kind of the point of this thread. I’m dealing with those thoughts all swirling in my head now and wondering what to do about it.

Everybody knows the details to their problems. Not everyone sees the correct perspective of them. Which is what I've done, given a more clear perspective. And one can easily draw a line from a to b to see that there is no scenario which gives this a good chance to work out. And through basic deduction you can recognize that if No scenario looks promising, then there's the answer.
What you're looking for is not an answer, because you already have one, it's just not the one you want. You came here to find an answer that goes along with what you want to do. In fact I'd say most people that come to this site seeking an answer actually come for that exact reason. And usually when you reinforce the answer they're looking to get around, they have plenty of reasons to bypass it till that one person comes along telling them what they want.

 

[Lanolin]

Just direct them to a group bible study (maybe single sex...there are mens and womens groups) and they can be encouraged that way without any pressure to date you. Cos you wont be in the same group of course!

Over time, God will work on them if they really are going to repent and believe. it might take months or even years, and your feelings might have changed by then.
Dont beat yourself up about it.

I think I have directed most unbelievers or shaky believers on this course who might have been interested in dating me and just pointed out that God is that way (not in me) and they need to go to Him first.

Feelings are fleeting. Dont rely on them too much. This way you are free cos God doesnt call us to bondage, and also that person is also free to make their own choice.

 

[OBASBTO]

Everybody knows the details to their problems. Not everyone sees the correct perspective of them. Which is what I've done, given a more clear perspective. And one can easily draw a line from a to b to see that there is no scenario which gives this a good chance to work out. And through basic deduction you can recognize that if No scenario looks promising, then there's the answer.
What you're looking for is not an answer, because you already have one, it's just not the one you want. You came here to find an answer that goes along with what you want to do. In fact I'd say most people that come to this site seeking an answer actually come for that exact reason. And usually when you reinforce the answer they're looking to get around, they have plenty of reasons to bypass it till that one person comes along telling them what they want.

I’m not disagreeing with you or “trying to get the answer I want,” I’m expressing that I feel like now that I’ve both confessed my feelings but also tried to explain why I can’t date an unbeliever, I’ve made a mistake and now I’m scared that I’ve given Christianity a bad taste in their mouth.

 

[OBASBTO]

I think non believers think they can sway you away from God because their love is stronger and sadly this happens alot, thus the warning God gives us to not go there. He knows we are weak. Then we all use the excuse that God is love and surely he would approve of this relationship and we would be bringing this person to Christ. Sometimes this does happen.
But I have found that the non believer will resent you because of your faith and you will resent them because of their lack of it.
I would pray for this person and play the role of friend only. Leave their salvation to the Lord and give your feelings for them to the Lord as well. This person may not be the person for you. Right now it is high emotions. Do you really know what this person is like behind the scenes?
Give it all to God and be a friend only. Don't go past that boundary and see what the Lord says about it all and be obedient to that. I have made this mistake already and was upset with the Lord when he said no but down the road I saw this person who I thought was so wonderful at the time not so. I was totally fooled. I am not saying this will be the case for you but I am suggesting give it to the Lord and be obedient to what he says. It will be in your best interest.

Completely agree.