How should I act on my feelings in this situation ?

[pink00]

Hi !

I'm a 20 year old girl, and God has really put it in my heart recently that I want marriage and children in my future. Honestly, I'm the oldest unmarried person in my entire family but that isn't the reason that I want it, it is a genuine desire. I'm aware that I have plenty of time and am young, but I'm also aware of how I feel and don't think the desire for marriage fairly young is sinful or silly. My ideal is get engaged in 3rd year college (so at 23) and married at 24 when I graduate.

I also recently moved to a new city in England. Here, there is very few Christian men, and most of them are married anyway. The ones that aren't honestly don't seem suitable.

But, there is one guy at my new church who honestly seems perfect. He's very sporty, is doing a doctorate degree and is quite attractive to me. I can also tell (obviously I've stalked his social media haha, guys EVERY girl does it ) that he has an ex girlfriend who looks kind of similar to me, so I would say I would be his type.

Unfortunately church is totally online right now and England is in lockdown, so I don't have a way to actually meet him and get to know him - so i really want to try and connect with him online.

However, the only times we have met have been a few breakout rooms on zoom together where we haven't even spoken much. But God is literally putting it in my heart to get to know him.

Also, I found out the other day he's 27 - I had thought he was 24 !! Now, to me being 7 years older is SO attractive and desirable, but do you think he wouldn't even look in my direction because I'm young ? Thing is, I'm younger than him but I'm very mature, probably similar maturity levels tbh, and we're both students.

Guys (and girls), what do you think the best way to go about this is ? I was thinking following him on instagram but he has so few followers and he's private so it will make it very obvious I've looked him up specifically. But then, like, is that a bad thing ? I really would like to get to know him but I also really don't need to be getting rejected by a guy at my new church ahah

 

[pink00]

Also, i know its super weird to come to a forum to ask this but I don't have Christian friends to ask about this yet. Also I'm obviously quite inexperienced with dating but I'm not actually naive about life, just incase it's coming across that way haha

 

[UCA4J]

Hi !

I'm a 20 year old girl, and God has really put it in my heart recently that I want marriage and children in my future. Honestly, I'm the oldest unmarried person in my entire family but that isn't the reason that I want it, it is a genuine desire. I'm aware that I have plenty of time and am young, but I'm also aware of how I feel and don't think the desire for marriage fairly young is sinful or silly. My ideal is get engaged in 3rd year college (so at 23) and married at 24 when I graduate.

I also recently moved to a new city in England. Here, there is very few Christian men, and most of them are married anyway. The ones that aren't honestly don't seem suitable.

But, there is one guy at my new church who honestly seems perfect. He's very sporty, is doing a doctorate degree and is quite attractive to me. I can also tell (obviously I've stalked his social media haha, guys EVERY girl does it ) that he has an ex girlfriend who looks kind of similar to me, so I would say I would be his type.

Unfortunately church is totally online right now and England is in lockdown, so I don't have a way to actually meet him and get to know him - so i really want to try and connect with him online.

However, the only times we have met have been a few breakout rooms on zoom together where we haven't even spoken much. But God is literally putting it in my heart to get to know him.

Also, I found out the other day he's 27 - I had thought he was 24 !! Now, to me being 7 years older is SO attractive and desirable, but do you think he wouldn't even look in my direction because I'm young ? Thing is, I'm younger than him but I'm very mature, probably similar maturity levels tbh, and we're both students.

Guys (and girls), what do you think the best way to go about this is ? I was thinking following him on instagram but he has so few followers and he's private so it will make it very obvious I've looked him up specifically. But then, like, is that a bad thing ? I really would like to get to know him but I also really don't need to be getting rejected by a guy at my new church ahah

you're the oldest, at 20 ?

 

[pink00]

you're the oldest, at 20 ?

yep ! I know it’s quite unusual, we’re not even that traditional of a family, but I have 26,24 and 22 year old cousins all married. Then I’m next oldest (single). Then my 18 year old brother has a girlfriend, as does my 16 and 15 year olds cousins (obviously not serious). Then after that everyone’s a child. So it’s actually pretty horrendous how much I am the only single one !! I have one aunt who is single too but she has had 3 marriages so it’s not like she’s never been married and she’s in her fifties now

 

[UCA4J]

yep ! I know it’s quite unusual, we’re not even that traditional of a family, but I have 26,24 and 22 year old cousins all married. Then I’m next oldest (single). Then my 18 year old brother has a girlfriend, as does my 16 and 15 year olds cousins (obviously not serious). Then after that everyone’s a child. So it’s actually pretty horrendous how much I am the only single one !! I have one aunt who is single too but she has had 3 marriages so it’s not like she’s never been married and she’s in her fifties now

is it so important for you to get married asap ?

 

[pink00]

is it so important for you to get married asap ?

No, as I said in my post my sort of ideal life plan would to be getting married at around 24, so in 4 years time which I don’t believe to be asap at all.
obviously, I know I’m not in control with this, God is , but I do believe he wants us to be proactive in our own lives.
Anyway, I have no desire to marry this guy asap, possibly even at all - I don’t know him yet ! I just want to get to know him rn which is obviously hard to do via zoom
God bless

 

[UCA4J]

No, as I said in my post my sort of ideal life plan would to be getting married at around 24, so in 4 years time which I don’t believe to be asap at all.
obviously, I know I’m not in control with this, God is , but I do believe he wants us to be proactive in our own lives.
Anyway, I have no desire to marry this guy asap, possibly even at all - I don’t know him yet ! I just want to get to know him rn which is obviously hard to do via zoom
God bless

does he know you ?

 

[pink00]

does he know you ?

We’ve had church zoom calls together, but haven’t spoken extensively. He knows of me though

 

[UCA4J]

We’ve had church zoom calls together, but haven’t spoken extensively. He knows of me though

oh ok

 

[Kireina]

If I married young maybe my daughter would be in her 20's also now...although I am still single and have no kids I am already 42...

This would be my advice to you if I was your friend and was 20 years old...

My experience in men, is...most if not all if a guy is interested in you he will reach out to you... but I also believe that well..some of them are worried of rejections so will not approach you...if that's the case you can send him a request,say hi or smile at him when you see him face to face...get to know him...but don't follow him around or cornered him so that he could be surely yours... It will creep him out...but I am warning you...this doesn't guarantee you that he will also like you in the long run...be prepared for rejection as well...

But You said he has an ex-gf so that means he has no trouble approaching a lady... If he is interested in you...he will reach out to you... so if I were you...I would wait for this man to approach you.


And this is my advice if you were my daughter...


Daughter, you are only 20...be patient, finish your studies...seize every opportunity that comes you way...and work hard...enjoy your singleness..set goals, if you love to travel...travel as much as you can...learn things learn some extra skills...exercise be healthy and don't worry too much about finding someone...shine and live your life...be kind be compassionate be happy be faithful the man that belongs to you will find you someday and will gonna hold your hand and will never let you go... He will not let him chase you He will know it the moment he look into your eyes that you are the one he is waiting all his life...slowly he will show you and will let you know his pure intention to you😊 I hope you'll remember this my daughter...lovessxxx, Mom 🤗❤

 

[Subhumanoidal]

Hi !

I'm a 20 year old girl, and God has really put it in my heart recently that I want marriage and children in my future. Honestly, I'm the oldest unmarried person in my entire family but that isn't the reason that I want it, it is a genuine desire. I'm aware that I have plenty of time and am young, but I'm also aware of how I feel and don't think the desire for marriage fairly young is sinful or silly. My ideal is get engaged in 3rd year college (so at 23) and married at 24 when I graduate.

I also recently moved to a new city in England. Here, there is very few Christian men, and most of them are married anyway. The ones that aren't honestly don't seem suitable.

But, there is one guy at my new church who honestly seems perfect. He's very sporty, is doing a doctorate degree and is quite attractive to me. I can also tell (obviously I've stalked his social media haha, guys EVERY girl does it ) that he has an ex girlfriend who looks kind of similar to me, so I would say I would be his type.

Unfortunately church is totally online right now and England is in lockdown, so I don't have a way to actually meet him and get to know him - so i really want to try and connect with him online.

However, the only times we have met have been a few breakout rooms on zoom together where we haven't even spoken much. But God is literally putting it in my heart to get to know him.

Also, I found out the other day he's 27 - I had thought he was 24 !! Now, to me being 7 years older is SO attractive and desirable, but do you think he wouldn't even look in my direction because I'm young ? Thing is, I'm younger than him but I'm very mature, probably similar maturity levels tbh, and we're both students.

Guys (and girls), what do you think the best way to go about this is ? I was thinking following him on instagram but he has so few followers and he's private so it will make it very obvious I've looked him up specifically. But then, like, is that a bad thing ? I really would like to get to know him but I also really don't need to be getting rejected by a guy at my new church ahah

Just read the first paragraph.

Before I was even a teen I wanted to get married, at a young age. Becoming a Christian as a teen didn't lessen that any. In fact I determined I wanted to be married by 25. Then 30. Then 35. Long story short I'm 45 and still not married.
This site has, for years, had a revolving door of people convinced God wants them married, or even Who they should marry. Mostly I'd say this has nothing to do with God. People want to be married and to make justifications for wanting to act on it they convince themselves that it's God's doing to feel this way. Wrong.

I skimmed near the end as well. It's pretty common people don't end up with who they expect. That 'perfect for you' person usually isn't once you get past the surface (which is as deep as you've gotten so far).

But if you decide to pursue this guy just remember, all relationships run a risk of rejection. All of them. Better to be rejected early on than sit quietly in the shadows pining after the idea of who someone you think they are, only to be rejected months later.

 

[Kireina]

@pink00 , Sorry about the last part I get confused about the words I wanna say let me rephrase it... "He will not Let you chase him around... He'll Be direct and honest with his intentions" 😊

 

[UCA4J]

@pink00 , Sorry about the last part I get confused about the words I wanna say let me rephrase it... "He will not Let you chase him around... He'll Be direct and honest with his intentions" 😊

what I will say, is that there is no hard and fast rule, about how relationships work.
What works for one couple, may not work for all other couples.
I think you can pursue him, but let him do the chasing.
Actually, a better idea, have you read wild at heart, and captivating by John and Staci Eldredge ?

 

[BrotherMike]

I would listen to Kireina’s advice... you are so young. Finish your education and learn more about your likes and dislikes and improve spiritually, mentally, and physically. The right man will pursue you at the right time (Gods timing).

 

[Lanolin]

I wouldnt go chasing after boys (or older men) personally.

If you like being humiliated you could try, but most gals prefer to keep their dignity.

 

[Lanolin]

If you do go after him just tell him your plan, if he bites cool, if he doesnt, then respect that.
You seem intent on getting the guy.

btw who would be funding the wedding if you got married. Also, what are YOu studying. Arent you going to bother using your degree?

 

[cinder]

Hi !

I'm a 20 year old girl, and God has really put it in my heart recently that I want marriage and children in my future. Honestly, I'm the oldest unmarried person in my entire family but that isn't the reason that I want it, it is a genuine desire. I'm aware that I have plenty of time and am young, but I'm also aware of how I feel and don't think the desire for marriage fairly young is sinful or silly. My ideal is get engaged in 3rd year college (so at 23) and married at 24 when I graduate.

I also recently moved to a new city in England. Here, there is very few Christian men, and most of them are married anyway. The ones that aren't honestly don't seem suitable.

But, there is one guy at my new church who honestly seems perfect. He's very sporty, is doing a doctorate degree and is quite attractive to me. I can also tell (obviously I've stalked his social media haha, guys EVERY girl does it ) that he has an ex girlfriend who looks kind of similar to me, so I would say I would be his type.

Unfortunately church is totally online right now and England is in lockdown, so I don't have a way to actually meet him and get to know him - so i really want to try and connect with him online.

However, the only times we have met have been a few breakout rooms on zoom together where we haven't even spoken much. But God is literally putting it in my heart to get to know him.

Also, I found out the other day he's 27 - I had thought he was 24 !! Now, to me being 7 years older is SO attractive and desirable, but do you think he wouldn't even look in my direction because I'm young ? Thing is, I'm younger than him but I'm very mature, probably similar maturity levels tbh, and we're both students.

Guys (and girls), what do you think the best way to go about this is ? I was thinking following him on instagram but he has so few followers and he's private so it will make it very obvious I've looked him up specifically. But then, like, is that a bad thing ? I really would like to get to know him but I also really don't need to be getting rejected by a guy at my new church ahah

Here are my thoughts:

1) If you are serious about getting married, read the book the Sacred Search. Most valuable book I've read on things to think about when looking for a partner (the marriage and relationship styles section alone is worth it).

2) You want to get married in roughly 4 years time. How long do you plan to date before you get engaged / married? If your answer is under 3 years, then there's no hurry to make yourself known to this guy. There will be plenty of time once lockdown is over for you to get to know each other naturally in person. (I'm not saying the innocuous things like following him on social media are wrong or unwise, just that it's not a situation where it's something you have to do immediately or you'll lose your chance to date him).

3) Lots of married people (even those who have had horrible marriages) seem to think marriage is wonderful and it may be, but it isn't the be all end all of existence. Nothing wrong with going after it, but I'd always caution against the mentality that this one person or thing is what you need for life to be perfect. And as another book put it "So what do cinderella and prince charming do after 10 or 15 years of riding off into the sunset together?" Marriage should not be a goal for your life, it's just someone to go through life with.

 

[pink00]

If you do go after him just tell him your plan, if he bites cool, if he doesnt, then respect that.
You seem intent on getting the guy.

btw who would be funding the wedding if you got married. Also, what are YOu studying. Arent you going to bother using your degree?

Ahhhh this is harsh haha, what is it in my post that seems to have irritated you ?
I actually study dentistry and I am 100% set on using my degree and becoming a dentist. I believe a woman can work and be married.

In terms of funding the wedding... that’s getting very far into the future - I just want to get to know him right now !! But, I’ve worked since I was 14 and have a full scholarship at university, I could pay at least some myself right now and would be in a better position to do so in the future, but as I said, that’s waaaaay ahead of the game rn
possibly I do seem very ‘intent on getting the guy’ but subjectively, I know that he’s looking to date right now and I don’t think I’m being too forward by being interested in getting to know someone ?? That isn’t chasing him, I wouldn’t ask him out or send the first message even but girls have to put in a bit of work too to get noticed !
I’m suprised having a desire for marriage is so controversial on a singles Christian forum tbh ! Didn’t you date and think about this stuff at my age ? So many Christians around me get married young, I didn’t think it would seem strange

 

[pink00]

I wouldnt go chasing after boys (or older men) personally.

If you like being humiliated you could try, but most gals prefer to keep their dignity.

I think it’s important to note I find my dignity and identity in Christ, I do all things through him and getting to know someone at my new church, or even getting married is normal behaviour, not something that would displease the Lord, so not something I need to worry about being humiliated by. Heavenly minded people don’t worry about other peoples mocking and laughing ❤️

 

[Runningman]

If I understand you correctly then you are saying he is one of the only high quality males in your area that you have noticed.

He is conveniently located at your new church, but due to covid-19 restrictions you are having a hard time getting his attention.

You don't want to be a stalker because that can be off-putting, but it can flattering. The stakes are too high so perhaps the direct and honest way to go is the answer.

You just need to make yourself available to him one day. I bet if you complimented his hair or his shirt he would probably think you like him. That's definitely one of the easiest pickup lines that's not overly forward or ambitious.