What can I do to change my wifes hostility towards me?

[surfer14]

The major concern is that these types of relationships nearly always descend into violence. You are in a long distance abusive relationship. When she comes to you it will not self resolve, it will escalate.

My recommendation is that the UK probably has enough of its own lunatics. You'd be doing your countrymen a huge disservice by importing another one.

Whatever you do, don't make a baby with this woman until she's got herself under control.

 

[kaylagrl]

Hi Kaylagrl, I hope you are well.

Her family are born again Christians, she is the most active among them. She's always involved in bible studies and often goes out of her way to talk to strangers about God, she's getting more involved in her ministry, and she joins me and my family doing bible studies and worship on Sunday.
Her father, well that's different. She says he was a Roman Catholic (in name only I'd say), in all honesty though, he was not a good man atall. His morales were flawed, his actions and attitude were of darkness, and he was abusive in words 'and not in words' (not so much in his last years) Never met him, glad I didn't. This may be dark to say, but I'm happy he's gone.

I am 25 years old, she is 30. I live in the UK and am British. She lives in the philippines and is filipina/pinay.

And yes, it is our first relationships.

And of course, I am open to answering any questions.

Thankyou very much and I hope you have a blessed day. God bless.

I am well, thank you. I'm a person that reads a lot and I have read, and it makes sense, that a womans relationship with her father is very important as to how she sees herself, how she feels she should be treated. So many women with abusive fathers will go into a relationship of their own like that. Now that's not always the case and I'm certainly not saying you are abusing her. But could she maybe be reading you through those glasses? Her world may be colored that way.

I'll give you an example from my own life. My father, though I love him dearly, is overbearing. My parents have a 1950s marriage. My mother was a homemaker, my father worked. He's totally helpless on his own. Can hardly dress himself. He'll go to a restaurant and ask my mother what he likes sometimes. They argue like cats and dogs and she usually gives in or just ignores him till he gets over it. He's a big guy, a loud guy and it's his way or the highway. He can be more stubborn that any kid and he will put you through hell if you go against him. All that being said, he's a very up and down person. So you never know what you're going to get. May see the wrath of God or he may just shrug and be ok.

Well imagine being his daughter! Now my sister was more to bend than fight. I don't like to fight, but if pushed and I engage, I'm not letting go. He and I have had a lot of these battles to the death. In his own way he loves me, but he wants total control of everything that happens in the family. Both my sister and I are married, out of the home. But my father still tries to pull the things he pulls on my mother. Now, my husband is a fairly easy going guy. We seldom have words and we agree on almost everything. In my family, choosing a restaurant could mean war if you didn't give in to my fathers wishes. Something that small could be a huge stress. Follow me here... Now as easy going as my hubby is, there is very little that he has to do to upset me. If he speaks out of turn, if he's tired or cranky and says something I'm done. I shut down completely and walk away. I won't talk,I shut myself in the room. All because I had a stressful relationship with my father. He has to say to me from time to time " I'm not your father babe". And I tell him I know it's not fair, but I'm so conditioned for a fight that I just can't take the stress. And sometimes he'll just hug me and say he knows it's my father that I'm reacting too and not him. Do you think that could be true of your wife? Maybe she's reacting to something that reminds her of someone else, even though you may be innocent? Just something to think about.

 

[CorrectiveLens]

Hi Marc. I dated a Filipino woman a while back. Before I relate to you my experience with such, I would like to ask you a few questions.
1. How did you meet her?
2. Length of time that you knew her before you married her?
3. Length of time since you married her?
4. Your reason for marrying her?
5. Her reason for marrying you? If you are not sure, then ask her or venture a guess.
6. What kind of Christian is she? Is she Catholic, born again, bible reader, etc.
7. Where did you physically meet her, become boyfriend and girlfriend, and get married?
By answering these questions, I might be able to offer a solution to your problem.

 

[kaylagrl]

Hi Marc. I dated a Filipino woman a while back. Before I relate to you my experience with such, I would like to ask you a few questions.
1. How did you meet her?
2. Length of time that you knew her before you married her?
3. Length of time since you married her?
4. Your reason for marrying her?
5. Her reason for marrying you? If you are not sure, then ask her or venture a guess.
6. What kind of Christian is she? Is she Catholic, born again, bible reader, etc.
7. Where did you physically meet her, become boyfriend and girlfriend, and get married?
By answering these questions, I might be able to offer a solution to your problem.

A lot of good questions there...

 

[kaylagrl]

It's best to put this relationship on hiatus until she gets the help she needs.

They're married...

 

[Blackpowderduelist]

They're married...

Yep, one is in England and the other Asia.
Generally in an abusive relationship a separation for a time to get proper treatment is in order.

 

[kaylagrl]

Hi Lanolin, thankyou for your message, we call on WhatsApp and message on WhatsApp, sometimes Facebook. I will leave some examples below. I agree with that point, she's said as much herself, about feeling depressed about being alone when I'm on my 4 on shifts cos it's hard to talk much then. The context of misunderstandings isn't usually down to interrupting. I'll explain that in the examples below. So this may be a lengthy message due to the examples.




#1

This is an accusation and a denial of evidence presented by me:

We had a fight, don't remember what it was about. But the posts she shared would suggest jealousy. Shared fb quotes such as "never cry for one who killed your smile", "you were happy before them. You were good. You were enough. And you will be after them. You just have to remember to love yourself. That's all."... And about 5 more all so clearly referring to me.
So I deactivated my fb account cos she's pretty much telling all her friends that we had a fight and I don't like that cos I think it should be private.

I deactivated it on March 3. She reactivated it on March 4. Then she asks me why I removed my name. Am I trying to hide from someone. Is someone trying to add me. I didn't know what she was talking about. Turns out that fb completely removed my name so my fb account had no name atall. Some weird glitch or something. Anyway, that prompted accusations. My name change occurred on March 4 (fb records). So I say it can't have been me cos I deactivated it on March 3. So I log in, onto my activity log, and show her that my IP address was signed out on March 3 and hers signs in on March 4 and mine never signed in (until that moment). But that's just an excuse apparently. So much for evidence.



#2

This is a misunderstanding that followed on from the FB fight.

I said:
- "I'd just tell them I don't use FB much or I'd say I'll add them when I reactivate"
she understood it as if I'd said:
- "I just tell them I don't use FB much or I say I'll add them when I reactivate it"

The 'I' would imply I have said it and it has happened.
The 'I'd' implies if it happened this is what i would say.

So she thinks girls at my work have been asking if they can add me on FB based on her misunderstanding of what I said. So that became a fight.
There are many similar occurrences like this one which are her misunderstanding words and then not believing me or the dictionary when I explain what it actually means.




#3

Example:
I'd been sick for like 5 days. We'd all been directly exposed to covid at work. If I had it, it's wasn't bad. Just slight cough, feeling really tired, and not hungry.
Anyway, I sent her a message, she didn't reply, I put phone on charge and tried to sleep, woke up little later still laying in bed, she video calls, I answer, she hangs up, I call back she declines, asks how long I've been awake, I say 10 mins, she asked why I didn't reply, I said didn't look at phone, she says I won't look at phone either then. Turned her phone off and ignored me for the rest of the day.



#4

Example:
- Girl was blocked on my fb (she has my fb account), she asks who the girl is. I say I don't know. She accuses me of lying and hiding things. I say everyone on my block list are people she has blocked, not me. She says she deleted her fb app for fasting during that period, I say that can't be true cos I didn't block her. She says I'm wrong. So I go into my fb activity log to the ip sign ins and there were a bunch of sign ins and outs from her ip address and her phone during that period. She says that doesn't mean anything. I say it means she was on my account and hadn't deleted her app. She says that's all nonsence. (eventually she conceded and apologised)






#5

Example:
Another example when we were together together:
- on one of my visits to her country, me, her, and her sister went to another country together for a few days. In the hotel, she asked me to ask the receptionist how to fix the elevator. (we were stood there for 3 mins and it didn't come) she shows up and pressed the button. Fixed. So we ALL laughed cos it was funny. We just didn't see the button. Anyway, I was accused of being a flirt and having a crush on her cos I laughed. (so she and her sister flirted to by that logic). To back up her claims that I'm a flirt, she points out that I changed my outfit later that day to impress the receptionist.
I was previously wearing a white designer t-shirt with whatever those jeans tight shorts are called.
I swapped over to a plain black t-shirt and dark trackies.
(apparently the latter is more sexy, which it's obviously not, but it is my preferred style, hence my change)




#6

Another example can be found in my message to Kireina above.





#7

Yesterday's fight:
- This time was far far far far more aggressive than usual. About girls at work again, one who talks to me sometimes at work (who is actually a Christian), I being open, told my wife what she said, just normal stuff, convo lasted less than 2 mins. Anyway. She accused me of frequently talking to her because I want sex with her, because I like flirting with her, because I am full of lust and horny. Repeating that over and over again trying to push me to admit what she accuses me of. Ignoring the fact that she's basing it on a false idea that I "am frequently talking to her", and everything else is just a false accusation based on absolutely nothing factual. If a girl at work says anything to me. I tell her everything that they said. Which isn't even that often. I hung up on her after that cos it was an endless barrage of accusations. She then said stuff like, she wants to break up with me, she's not happy with me anymore (she says that often after big fights) - (then after we're OK she cries and says she didn't mean that, that I should know that, that she knows it's her, etc)




# bonus

One point I should add. If I was her, and she was me, she would have rained hell fire down upon me by now cos what she accuses me of is nothing compared to what she would be guilty of if I judged like her.
- hugged her old crush when we were bf n gf.
- allowed her old crush to sleep in her bed when we were bf n gf (she slept on the couch, context - her dad passed away so him and another friend stayed with her family for a day)
- held some guys hand at some church mission when she was scared
- literally deleted message conversations between her and her old crush in the past with full intent to hide it from me (convo was even about me)
- (eventually I subjected her to the same type of rules she puts upon me so I had her block this guy) a week ago she decided to unblock him and have a chat with him as revenge for me talking to / helping a girl at work.

Of course when I mention this hypocrisy, I'm in trouble for bringing up the past.





Anyway, thankyou for your message, take care and God bless.

We're only hearing one side of the story, and I don't want to snap to judgement or upset you, but is it possible that she is actually being unfaithful to you? Because she seems oddly and obsessively jealous and it seems you've given her no reason to feel this way, correct? It that is true, that you have been faithful and given her no reason for doubt, I hate to say it, but I would seriously look into whether she has remained faithful to you. Is she projecting on you her own guilt? Sorry, I just read the posts about your fights and it seems there is an ex in the picture that she has allowed freedoms that she would not allow you to have with other women. I hope I'm wrong, I don't know either of you, it's just a vibe I'm getting reading your posts.

 

[Live4Him]

Hi, Marc21.

I honestly don't even know how I wound up on this thread because I was doing something else elsewhere, and when I looked up, here I was.

Anyhow, I can DEFINITELY relate to your situation and to Scribe's situation as well.

Back in 2001, I got married to a woman from Panama who had been visiting the USA (where I live) on business. We initially met at a Bible study that I was teaching, and we ultimately got married. In all seriousness, my marriage to her was basically a living hell from the second night of our honeymoon forward.

About a month into our marriage, I discovered, through a series of incidents, that my wife had been repeatedly sexually molested by her own father when she was between the ages of 5 & 6 years old. Of course, that is one of the most traumatic things that could ever happen to anyone, and I spent YEARS counselling her myself, taking her to counsellors galore, praying for her, and even literally casting demons out of her because she was practicing to be a witch (as they say, practice makes perfect) in Panama before she moved to the USA and became a Christian.

Without going into all of the gory details of our marriage that lasted 18 years, she ultimately cheated on me repeatedly with several different "sugar daddies" that she met online (they paid her for sex, and she's currently living with one of them and in business together with him), and then divorced me a little more than two years ago.

In my particular case, although I was extremely patient, understanding, kind, selfless, etc., etc. with her for the duration of our marriage (especially in light of the sexual abuse that she endured), I ultimately realized that her problems went way beyond just that alone. Although she professed to be a born again Christian, in reality, she hated Christ, and me by extension. She has since renounced Christianity (she uses Jesus' name as a curse word constantly), and she now has statues of Buddha, consults with fortune tellers, etc., etc., etc.

I'm not even sure why I told you all this, but I wouldn't take the things that you've described in your own relationship too lightly.

Jesus said that we'll know a tree by its fruit, and not by its profession.

You keep claiming that she's a Christian, yet her actions say otherwise. Your best bet is to PRAY, PRAY, PRAY...and not just for her, but for yourself as well (especially for wisdom).

As miserable as my own marriage was while it lasted, I can honestly say that God was with me every single step of the way, and I actually grew tremendously (spiritually speaking) in the midst of an otherwise horrific ordeal.

I don't know what else to say to you except that I'll pray for both you and your wife.

Whatever happens, God's grace is sufficient.

 

[Marc21]

I am well, thank you. I'm a person that reads a lot and I have read, and it makes sense, that a womans relationship with her father is very important as to how she sees herself, how she feels she should be treated. So many women with abusive fathers will go into a relationship of their own like that. Now that's not always the case and I'm certainly not saying you are abusing her. But could she maybe be reading you through those glasses? Her world may be colored that way.

I'll give you an example from my own life. My father, though I love him dearly, is overbearing. My parents have a 1950s marriage. My mother was a homemaker, my father worked. He's totally helpless on his own. Can hardly dress himself. He'll go to a restaurant and ask my mother what he likes sometimes. They argue like cats and dogs and she usually gives in or just ignores him till he gets over it. He's a big guy, a loud guy and it's his way or the highway. He can be more stubborn that any kid and he will put you through hell if you go against him. All that being said, he's a very up and down person. So you never know what you're going to get. May see the wrath of God or he may just shrug and be ok.

Well imagine being his daughter! Now my sister was more to bend than fight. I don't like to fight, but if pushed and I engage, I'm not letting go. He and I have had a lot of these battles to the death. In his own way he loves me, but he wants total control of everything that happens in the family. Both my sister and I are married, out of the home. But my father still tries to pull the things he pulls on my mother. Now, my husband is a fairly easy going guy. We seldom have words and we agree on almost everything. In my family, choosing a restaurant could mean war if you didn't give in to my fathers wishes. Something that small could be a huge stress. Follow me here... Now as easy going as my hubby is, there is very little that he has to do to upset me. If he speaks out of turn, if he's tired or cranky and says something I'm done. I shut down completely and walk away. I won't talk,I shut myself in the room. All because I had a stressful relationship with my father. He has to say to me from time to time " I'm not your father babe". And I tell him I know it's not fair, but I'm so conditioned for a fight that I just can't take the stress. And sometimes he'll just hug me and say he knows it's my father that I'm reacting too and not him. Do you think that could be true of your wife? Maybe she's reacting to something that reminds her of someone else, even though you may be innocent? Just something to think about.

Hello again Kaylagrl, I'm happy to hear you are well, thanks again for your reply. Thankyou very much for sharing your story with me. It seems you have a kind and loving husband which I am happy to hear.
I've never really thought about it like that, but as you mentioned, the sense of control, that is something her father wanted, her and her sisters would have to hide and leave their house when he was drunk, the man cheated on her Mum, was a sicko in the sense that he even tried to make out with my wife's underage friend at the time (which I won't get into). her mum only stayed with him for my wife and her sisters. My wife forgave him. I do not.

Anyway, from what I can tell, it escalated massively when my work started to employ girls, worked there for 2 years before I quit to go to Phil to get married, came back, went back to work there, now many girls are employed, it's an engineering factory. It's the only difference I can think of from before and after we were married. And now it's like have a target painted on my back and she keeps taking shots at me all the time, many hit the bullseye.

When girls talk to me in person, something in her just snaps. And I'm instantly judged as a cheater for helping to move a box or something. The one she fixates her anger on the most is actually a Christian, I've considered asking this girl to befriend my wife, but I have a bad feeling this would backfire.

But yes, I believe its very possible what you say is true. Because the distrust in me in regards to girls and that level of jealousy surely has to have come from somewhere? It's nothing I've done, so it could make sense that it's due to the way her dad treated women and was himself unfaithful. I've always just assumed it's all those filipina drama movies she watches where the man is nearly always cheating on his SO.

Anyway, as you say, it is something I'll definitely think about, and I'll try to think of a way to bring it up to her.










I'm replying to your other comment here:
Anything is possible, but I don't believe it to be so (but then again, many don't believe and are made a fool of), and my reason would be because I know her and I know her love for me is genuine (but many others have said this and been wrong), and in her defence, she's pretty much always at home with her family.
That's correct, I've given her no reason to feel this way. She would disagree though and use this as a recent example. There's a Christian girl at work who she has fixated her anger on the most, one time I had to stop my wife from sending her a demand on fb to stop talking to me. I've considered asking her to befriend my wife on fb but I think that would backfire. She knows I'm a Christian too so she tries to be my friend, I've told my wife everything she has ever said, which is normal stuff or work stuff. She said that when my wife comes over maybe they could be friends too. She is a nice godly person but my hands are completely tied. So that will just have to remain work colleagues. (but hey, my wife wants to get into evangelism where she would surely have to talk to guys right. So that of course makes lots of sense to me )
I told tell her, the way she judges me to be a cheater, she self condemns herself, because by the measure she judges me, if she were judged that way by me I would have far more cause to accuse her.
- hugging an old crush when we were bf n gf.
- messaging that old crush about me then deleting the conversation and admitting the deletion was to hide it from me.
Those alone by her scales of judgment would make her guiltier that she makes me out to be.



Thanks again for all your advice. God bless you Kaylagrl.

 

[Marc21]

Hi Marc. I dated a Filipino woman a while back. Before I relate to you my experience with such, I would like to ask you a few questions.
1. How did you meet her?
2. Length of time that you knew her before you married her?
3. Length of time since you married her?
4. Your reason for marrying her?
5. Her reason for marrying you? If you are not sure, then ask her or venture a guess.
6. What kind of Christian is she? Is she Catholic, born again, bible reader, etc.
7. Where did you physically meet her, become boyfriend and girlfriend, and get married?
By answering these questions, I might be able to offer a solution to your problem.

Hi corrective lens, I hope you are well.
I'd be happy to answer them.

1-
Not sure if you refer to in person or online so I'll answer both.

Online -
She added my friend, and my friend told me to add her, and so I did. This was 2015, we talked as good friends until 2017 when we became bf and gf.

In person -
In 2018, 7 months after becoming bf and gf, I took a plane over and we spent 3 weeks together, went again in 2018 and spent another 3 weeks. Again in 2019 and spent 2 weeks. Finally in 2020 and spent 6 months.



2-
Nearly exactly 5 years.

3-
Married her June 2020

4-
Because I truly love her and she loves me. And in person she is completely different to how she's acting now. How she's acting now is a new thing that started around when I came home in September 2020. If she was acting like this before we were married, I can't say for certain whether I would have even proposed. But ultimately, because I see my future with her and could never see it with another.

5-
Because she loves me truly and I'm God's blessing to her life, the blessing of which she prayed for since she first knew me. And if it wasn't me it would be nobody, she would never want another after knowing me. - And because I was/am her ideal man (that last parts a controversial one though). These are things she's said that I've jumbled together.

6-
Raised as both Catholic and a Christian, became an actual born again Christian a few years ago. Reads the Bible daily and does devotions very often, worships often, sometimes alone, join bible study and life group in her country and a bible study with my family on Sunday. (both online). Her primary concern (I guess calling) is evangelism, she wants to (and does) tell people about Jesus. And wants to get involved in that type of ministry.

7-
Became bf and gf online visa fb, over messages. Met her in the philippines, in Manila, then we stayed at a condo together or resort, never apart in seperate places. Got married in the philippines, in Manila, due to the hard lockdown, only 10 people could attend, my family couldn't fly into the country either so streamed it on twitch.

Thankyou for your help, God bless you.

 

[Marc21]

Hi, Marc21.

I honestly don't even know how I wound up on this thread because I was doing something else elsewhere, and when I looked up, here I was.

Anyhow, I can DEFINITELY relate to your situation and to Scribe's situation as well.

Back in 2001, I got married to a woman from Panama who had been visiting the USA (where I live) on business. We initially met at a Bible study that I was teaching, and we ultimately got married. In all seriousness, my marriage to her was basically a living hell from the second night of our honeymoon forward.

About a month into our marriage, I discovered, through a series of incidents, that my wife had been repeatedly sexually molested by her own father when she was between the ages of 5 & 6 years old. Of course, that is one of the most traumatic things that could ever happen to anyone, and I spent YEARS counselling her myself, taking her to counsellors galore, praying for her, and even literally casting demons out of her because she was practicing to be a witch (as they say, practice makes perfect) in Panama before she moved to the USA and became a Christian.

Without going into all of the gory details of our marriage that lasted 18 years, she ultimately cheated on me repeatedly with several different "sugar daddies" that she met online (they paid her for sex, and she's currently living with one of them and in business together with him), and then divorced me a little more than two years ago.

In my particular case, although I was extremely patient, understanding, kind, selfless, etc., etc. with her for the duration of our marriage (especially in light of the sexual abuse that she endured), I ultimately realized that her problems went way beyond just that alone. Although she professed to be a born again Christian, in reality, she hated Christ, and me by extension. She has since renounced Christianity (she uses Jesus' name as a curse word constantly), and she now has statues of Buddha, consults with fortune tellers, etc., etc., etc.

I'm not even sure why I told you all this, but I wouldn't take the things that you've described in your own relationship too lightly.

Jesus said that we'll know a tree by its fruit, and not by its profession.

You keep claiming that she's a Christian, yet her actions say otherwise. Your best bet is to PRAY, PRAY, PRAY...and not just for her, but for yourself as well (especially for wisdom).

As miserable as my own marriage was while it lasted, I can honestly say that God was with me every single step of the way, and I actually grew tremendously (spiritually speaking) in the midst of an otherwise horrific ordeal.

I don't know what else to say to you except that I'll pray for both you and your wife.

Whatever happens, God's grace is sufficient.

Hi Live4him, I hope things on your life are looking up now, 18 years is a long time to live like that, and I hope all is well. The spiritual growth and light at the end is a testimony that even in the darkness, He is always there.

However you ended up here, I welcome you and thank you for sharing your story and advising me.

Jesus did say that yes, the hard part with my wife is, the fruits she shows the other 70 percent of the time are that of the Spirit, and they are the same fruits she shows others. Obviously the fruits of the world are mixed in with them but not much. Its just, when jealously is involved, those fruits are completely removed. And the way I'm talked to, she's more comparable to satan than to Jesus in those moments. But. She has more empathy for others than I could ever imagine having, I've seen her with rivers of tears running down her face because she saw a sad story on fb, many times I've seen that, myself, I'd find the story sad and feel bad for the victim etc, but nowhere near the way she does.

And that is true, there is power in prayer. And I thank you for your prayers. God bless and I wish you well.

 

[Live4Him]

Hi Live4him, I hope things on your life are looking up now, 18 years is a long time to live like that, and I hope all is well. The spiritual growth and light at the end is a testimony that even in the darkness, He is always there.

However you ended up here, I welcome you and thank you for sharing your story and advising me.

Jesus did say that yes, the hard part with my wife is, the fruits she shows the other 70 percent of the time are that of the Spirit, and they are the same fruits she shows others. Obviously the fruits of the world are mixed in with them but not much. Its just, when jealously is involved, those fruits are completely removed. And the way I'm talked to, she's more comparable to satan than to Jesus in those moments. But. She has more empathy for others than I could ever imagine having, I've seen her with rivers of tears running down her face because she saw a sad story on fb, many times I've seen that, myself, I'd find the story sad and feel bad for the victim etc, but nowhere near the way she does.

And that is true, there is power in prayer. And I thank you for your prayers. God bless and I wish you well.

Hi, Marc21.

I'm doing fine and, in a very real sense, "things in my life were looking up" during those entire 18 years in that I had to constantly "look up towards God in prayer" just to make it through each individual day. In all honesty, after she divorced me, and after I could finally look back on the 18 years as a whole, I was totally aware of how nothing but the grace of God could have gotten me through everything that I had been through. I literally had to not only take things "one day at a time" while we were married, but normally I had to break my day down into sections in my mind just to deal with the onslaught of contempt that she had for me AS I WAS TRYING TO HELP HER. The one analogy that God showed me repeatedly during that whole ordeal was between my own situation and his with those whom he loves in this world, yet have contempt for him. Ultimately, that comparison is what helped me the most to cope with everything in my own mind.

Anyhow, enough about me. I'm glad to hear of the good fruits that your wife shows at times. Hopefully, your own situation will improve, and that's what I've already begun to pray for.

Be blessed.

 

[inukubo]

Your situation sounds very similar to mine, and like others have mentioned, it sounds like a case of narcissistic personality disorder. Here's a good summary and list of symptoms from the Mayo Clinic:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases...onality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662

Like you, I married an Asian woman who was older than me who professes to be a born-again Christian, yet through all our years of marriage her behavior and attitudes never demonstrated an understanding of what it means to be in Christ -- Constantly complaining about everything and everyone; attacking others in our church; attacking me; never taking responsibility for any of our decisions as a "couple"; not allowing us to discuss anything of importance like our feelings or the state of our relationship; unrealistic unspoken rules which were always changing and, if I happened to accidentally break any of them, outrageous angry outbursts; extreme inability to see other points of view or acknowledge when she might be wrong; extremely sensitive about appearances and looking good but constantly acting selfishly with no empathy for others, and on and on. It got to the point where the only way to survive was to not talk to her about anything and show no emotion or response to anything because it was not safe. She ruined my career and isolated me from most of my friends. I finally made up my mind to get out when I realized I was unable to serve God in that state, was on a slow march to dying alone, and she would never have a chance of changing as long as I kept protecting her from the consequences of her immature behavior.

Sometimes loving your bride as Christ loves the Church means giving her up so that she may find life. One thing to remember: you will never be able to save her, only Christ can do that, but you can always save yourself physically and mentally and at some point you may need to. If you ever get to the point where you are thinking of harming yourself (or her) because you see no other way out, get out ASAP.

 

[kaylagrl]

Hello again Kaylagrl, I'm happy to hear you are well, thanks again for your reply. Thankyou very much for sharing your story with me. It seems you have a kind and loving husband which I am happy to hear.
I've never really thought about it like that, but as you mentioned, the sense of control, that is something her father wanted, her and her sisters would have to hide and leave their house when he was drunk, the man cheated on her Mum, was a sicko in the sense that he even tried to make out with my wife's underage friend at the time (which I won't get into). her mum only stayed with him for my wife and her sisters. My wife forgave him. I do not.

Anyway, from what I can tell, it escalated massively when my work started to employ girls, worked there for 2 years before I quit to go to Phil to get married, came back, went back to work there, now many girls are employed, it's an engineering factory. It's the only difference I can think of from before and after we were married. And now it's like have a target painted on my back and she keeps taking shots at me all the time, many hit the bullseye.

When girls talk to me in person, something in her just snaps. And I'm instantly judged as a cheater for helping to move a box or something. The one she fixates her anger on the most is actually a Christian, I've considered asking this girl to befriend my wife, but I have a bad feeling this would backfire.

But yes, I believe its very possible what you say is true. Because the distrust in me in regards to girls and that level of jealousy surely has to have come from somewhere? It's nothing I've done, so it could make sense that it's due to the way her dad treated women and was himself unfaithful. I've always just assumed it's all those filipina drama movies she watches where the man is nearly always cheating on his SO.

Anyway, as you say, it is something I'll definitely think about, and I'll try to think of a way to bring it up to her.










I'm replying to your other comment here:
Anything is possible, but I don't believe it to be so (but then again, many don't believe and are made a fool of), and my reason would be because I know her and I know her love for me is genuine (but many others have said this and been wrong), and in her defence, she's pretty much always at home with her family.
That's correct, I've given her no reason to feel this way. She would disagree though and use this as a recent example. There's a Christian girl at work who she has fixated her anger on the most, one time I had to stop my wife from sending her a demand on fb to stop talking to me. I've considered asking her to befriend my wife on fb but I think that would backfire. She knows I'm a Christian too so she tries to be my friend, I've told my wife everything she has ever said, which is normal stuff or work stuff. She said that when my wife comes over maybe they could be friends too. She is a nice godly person but my hands are completely tied. So that will just have to remain work colleagues. (but hey, my wife wants to get into evangelism where she would surely have to talk to guys right. So that of course makes lots of sense to me )
I told tell her, the way she judges me to be a cheater, she self condemns herself, because by the measure she judges me, if she were judged that way by me I would have far more cause to accuse her.
- hugging an old crush when we were bf n gf.
- messaging that old crush about me then deleting the conversation and admitting the deletion was to hide it from me.
Those alone by her scales of judgment would make her guiltier that she makes me out to be.



Thanks again for all your advice. God bless you Kaylagrl.

No, I think you've found the issue... it's her father. Now that you fill in the story I think that is it. A father has a big influence on a daughter. Especially with trust issues. As I said, I know that I fight issues because of how I was raised. My husband has had so much patience with me in this area. But he grew up in a broken home, so he understands somewhat where I am coming from. It takes a lot of love, understanding and patience. Also, a lot of communication. But she may need more help than you can give her. This probably needs counseling. Deep down, I bet she doesn't want to feel this way. But if you grow up in an insecure home, dads are suppose to protect their daughters. She wants to feel secure, she wants to feel safe with you, she just may not know how. That's going to take time and help. Blessings brother. I hope you two can pull through this. I hate to see people divorce. If talking here helps feel free to stop in. I know people are willing to listen and pray for you.

 

[Marc21]

No, I think you've found the issue... it's her father. Now that you fill in the story I think that is it. A father has a big influence on a daughter. Especially with trust issues. As I said, I know that I fight issues because of how I was raised. My husband has had so much patience with me in this area. But he grew up in a broken home, so he understands somewhat where I am coming from. It takes a lot of love, understanding and patience. Also, a lot of communication. But she may need more help than you can give her. This probably needs counseling. Deep down, I bet she doesn't want to feel this way. But if you grow up in an insecure home, dads are suppose to protect their daughters. She wants to feel secure, she wants to feel safe with you, she just may not know how. That's going to take time and help. Blessings brother. I hope you two can pull through this. I hate to see people divorce. If talking here helps feel free to stop in. I know people are willing to listen and pray for you.

I guess I need to somehow have that same level of patience too, but that's really not easy sometimes, especially last night, I left the message screenshots below. You're right, she doesn't want to feel this way, that can be seen in her final message (the really long message in the screenshots). But atleast I understand now, and I thankyou deeply for that. Anyway, thankyou for listening to me and advising me, I really really appreciate it. God bless you abundantly sister.

In context.
She asked me if I'm going to still work at my engineering place when she is over, I said, the best thing about the place is the people, the long shifts are a pain, so I guess if the people I like leave, I could see myself finding another job as long as the money isn't less. She turned it all around to insinuate that its all about the girls.

But I know I need to be patient as you say. And I pray that God will help me more in that area.

God bless you again sister.

 

[Marc21]

Your situation sounds very similar to mine, and like others have mentioned, it sounds like a case of narcissistic personality disorder. Here's a good summary and list of symptoms from the Mayo Clinic:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases...onality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662

Like you, I married an Asian woman who was older than me who professes to be a born-again Christian, yet through all our years of marriage her behavior and attitudes never demonstrated an understanding of what it means to be in Christ -- Constantly complaining about everything and everyone; attacking others in our church; attacking me; never taking responsibility for any of our decisions as a "couple"; not allowing us to discuss anything of importance like our feelings or the state of our relationship; unrealistic unspoken rules which were always changing and, if I happened to accidentally break any of them, outrageous angry outbursts; extreme inability to see other points of view or acknowledge when she might be wrong; extremely sensitive about appearances and looking good but constantly acting selfishly with no empathy for others, and on and on. It got to the point where the only way to survive was to not talk to her about anything and show no emotion or response to anything because it was not safe. She ruined my career and isolated me from most of my friends. I finally made up my mind to get out when I realized I was unable to serve God in that state, was on a slow march to dying alone, and she would never have a chance of changing as long as I kept protecting her from the consequences of her immature behavior.

Sometimes loving your bride as Christ loves the Church means giving her up so that she may find life. One thing to remember: you will never be able to save her, only Christ can do that, but you can always save yourself physically and mentally and at some point you may need to. If you ever get to the point where you are thinking of harming yourself (or her) because you see no other way out, get out ASAP.

Hi inukubo, I hope you are well. Several things that you mentioned match my wife exactly:

"unrealistic unspoken rules which were always changing and, if I happened to accidentally break any of them, outrageous angry outbursts;"

"extreme inability to see other points of view or acknowledge when she might be wrong"

"isolated me from most of my friends"


I hope that wherever you are now in your life, that things are better for you.



____

"If you ever get to the point where you are thinking of harming yourself (or her)"

I could never ever harm her, nor could I ever want to. As for harming myself, it's not something I like to admit, but I have. Never over anything small. Just over the worst of things, such as her pushing to break up with me (which she says occasionally, not because she means it, but to hurt me - as she admits), things like that, I just can't take it. But I could never leave her as you say, I can't see a future without her and I do love her with all my heart.

God bless you and thankyou for sharing.

 

[Marc21]

Hi, Marc21.

I'm doing fine and, in a very real sense, "things in my life were looking up" during those entire 18 years in that I had to constantly "look up towards God in prayer" just to make it through each individual day. In all honesty, after she divorced me, and after I could finally look back on the 18 years as a whole, I was totally aware of how nothing but the grace of God could have gotten me through everything that I had been through. I literally had to not only take things "one day at a time" while we were married, but normally I had to break my day down into sections in my mind just to deal with the onslaught of contempt that she had for me AS I WAS TRYING TO HELP HER. The one analogy that God showed me repeatedly during that whole ordeal was between my own situation and his with those whom he loves in this world, yet have contempt for him. Ultimately, that comparison is what helped me the most to cope with everything in my own mind.

Anyhow, enough about me. I'm glad to hear of the good fruits that your wife shows at times. Hopefully, your own situation will improve, and that's what I've already begun to pray for.

Be blessed.

Hi Live4him

I'm glad to hear you are well. God is truly always there for us, even when it seem everything else against us. That is actually a very good analogy, I like that alot. I'm going to save that to my notes.
Thankyou very much for your prayers, and thankyou for taking the time to advise me. May God continue to bless you always.

 

[Lanolin]

hello again

I come back to this thread and read your message, to me it sounded like your wife was feeling insecure because of something she may have read about someone else being your inspiration (maybe instead of her?)

If its God being your inspirtation she has no reason to be feeling anxious but if it was some other girl I think her not understsanding why you wouldnt put her first as she is your wife could cause some conflict.

if thats the case then I would reassure her that she is first and there is nobody else and that just be honest that its tough on you being away from her and ask forgiveness, even if you cant think why she has any reason to think that way.

praying you will pull through this trying time..maybe its just one of those tests that marriages go through when they are apart as long as you know at some point you will be together again.

satan just finds it easy to attack when couples are apart so, and get ppl thinking all sorts of sutff that isnt true I wouldnt be suprised at his wiles. You just got to have faith. Faith is the key.

 

[PopClick]

Hi Marc, from what I gather, your wife seems to be obsessing over the possibility of losing you to another woman. (I'm not saying it's a possibility in reality, I mean she's making it a possibility in her mind and running herself ragged thinking about it.)

I think it's safe to say that she misses you terribly. I have several married friends who admit to picking fights on purpose when they want to spend more time together. But it's definitely not a mature way to communicate.

She seems to be filling up her time by obsessing about what you could be doing, thinking, and feeling while the two of you are apart. I think Kaylagirl is correct that her trust issues likely come from her dad. Having her own dad try to make out with an underage friend of hers was a huge violation of trust and propriety, and likely left her feeling like she couldn't rely on any man to behave appropriately around women/girls.

But this isn't something that she can just deal with by trying harder or resolving to hold her tongue. She needs to seriously and prayerfully dig into the root causes of her feelings and insecurities.

When the real issues behind her behavior have been rooted out, not only will your relationship improve, but she will have more peace inside her, as she can put some things to rest. I hope for your sake and hers that she is willing to do that, and that you can help guide her or get her whatever additional help or counseling she needs.

 

[JustOne62]

It sounds like Narcissistic Personality Disorder, with a bit of Histronic Personality Disorder thrown in.

I doubt it is bipolar disorder. She isn't manic flipping in and out, that's more indicative of a PD. Most people don't realize that in bipolar disorder, there are usually no more than 4 mood changes in a year. All this "ultra rapid cycling is really just nonsense.

Personality Disorders can change, but they have to want to. It could also be Multiple Personality Disorder, also know as DID- Dissociative Identity Disorder.

I doubt it is demonic possession if she is a Christian. Although it could be demonic oppression.

I think you have a long, hard road ahead of you. Of course you need to pray for her, and get her psychiatric help. Mostly though, people like that won't go for help, unless they also have depression, which they would like to get rid of.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Divorce is a last resort. She is young, and may get worse instead of better. I know someone like this, they gave their spouse a real nightmare for literally years.

Are you a counselor? If not don't try to diagnose a mental disorder without training. You have only one side and do not know a single thing about her. You're assuming.