How to grieve for a father I hardly knew?

[Mak33]

How to grieve for a father I hardly knew?

I have not talked to him for more than a decade, we do not have a relationship and he was not a part of my life growing up, few months ago a relative told me he was very ill and informed us to prepare ourselves for what may come, I cried my heart out and prayed to God for his salvation, although we are apart most of my life, he was always in my prayers. Last week I had the news that my father passed away but I didn't feel anything, I went through my normal day... I wanted to cry but I coudn't.
I visited his wake today and signed his death certificate to be released from the hospital to be able to bury him in peace.
I just don't know how to feel... So Rest in Peace Papa!

 

[Magenta]

Hello Mak I am sorry to hear of the loss of your dad, not just through his recent passing, but through his lack of presence in your life. That may be what you need to grieve, more than his actual death... it is also possible you just need some time to process it all before you are more fully impacted by the full weight of grief. That happened to me when someone close to me passed almost thirty years ago... his death was such a shock that it took about ten days before it really hit me that he was really gone, and gone for good. One thing about grief is that it really helps inform us of that which matters most to us. When my mother passed about eleven years ago, the grief I felt was facilitated through other events in my life that helped highlight what my grief was really about, which was the loss of the potential for love, for although my mother had been present in my life throughout my upbringing, we did not have much of a relationship and had never been close.

 

[Live4Him]

How to grieve for a father I hardly knew?

I have not talked to him for more than a decade, we do not have a relationship and he was not a part of my life growing up, few months ago a relative told me he was very ill and informed us to prepare ourselves for what may come, I cried my heart out and prayed to God for his salvation, although we are apart most of my life, he was always in my prayers. Last week I had the news that my father passed away but I didn't feel anything, I went through my normal day... I wanted to cry but I coudn't.
I visited his wake today and signed his death certificate to be released from the hospital to be able to bury him in peace.
I just don't know how to feel... So Rest in Peace Papa!

That was heart-wrenching to read.

I'm sorry that your father wasn't there for you during his life.

You did cry when you heard that he was ill, and he was in your prayers, so that shows that you had compassion towards him while he was yet alive.

Try not to feel guilty for any lack of emotion that you are presently experiencing. If the time to grieve more comes, then it comes.

Again, I truly am sorry that he wasn't there for you in this life. As a father myself, that motivates me even more to always be there for my own children.

God bless you.

 

[Live4Him]

May you find some comfort in the following:

"A father of the fatherless, and a judge of the widows, is God in his holy habitation." (Psalm 68:5)

 

[Mak33]

That was heart-wrenching to read.

I'm sorry that your father wasn't there for you during his life.

You did cry when you heard that he was ill, and he was in your prayers, so that shows that you had compassion towards him while he was yet alive.

Try not to feel guilty for any lack of emotion that you are presently experiencing. If the time to grieve more comes, then it comes.

Again, I truly am sorry that he wasn't there for you in this life. As a father myself, that motivates me even more to always be there for my own children.

God bless you.

Thank you for this, I appreciate it very much.

 

[Mak33]

Hello Mak I am sorry to hear of the loss of your dad, not just through his recent passing, but through his lack of presence in your life. That may be what you need to grieve, more than his actual death... it is also possible you just need some time to process it all before you are more fully impacted by the full weight of grief. That happened to me when someone close to me passed almost thirty years ago... his death was such a shock that it took about ten days before it really hit me that he was really gone, and gone for good. One thing about grief is that it really helps inform us of that which matters most to us. When my mother passed about eleven years ago, the grief I felt was facilitated through other events in my life that helped highlight what my grief was really about, which was the loss of the potential for love, for although my mother had been present in my life throughout my upbringing, we did not have much of a relationship and had never been close.

Thank you @Magenta for the wise words of wisdom, I truly appreciate it very much.

 

[Ruby123]

How to grieve for a father I hardly knew?

I have not talked to him for more than a decade, we do not have a relationship and he was not a part of my life growing up, few months ago a relative told me he was very ill and informed us to prepare ourselves for what may come, I cried my heart out and prayed to God for his salvation, although we are apart most of my life, he was always in my prayers. Last week I had the news that my father passed away but I didn't feel anything, I went through my normal day... I wanted to cry but I coudn't.
I visited his wake today and signed his death certificate to be released from the hospital to be able to bury him in peace.
I just don't know how to feel... So Rest in Peace Papa!

Hi Mak, I can relate to your story.
My siblings and I had nothing to do with my father for the past twenty years. He wasn't a good husband to my mum or a good father to us kids. It may be the reason why I never married, I don't know. I used to work in the tourist industry and five minutes before two bus load full of tourists arrive I got a text message from my brother saying dad had passed. I was quite shocked and numb, ran to the toilets and said to God I need help to cope with my job. Tourists flocked in and it was a matter of happy smiles, tours to do and happy conversation. I just went into machine mode. On top of that an extra bus load of people arrived unannounced. They were supposed to book and didn't.
Anyway it seems keeping me busy with customers with little to no time to think was a good thing although I didn't see it at the time. I think I may have said "God help, are you trying to kill me" We were all sad, even though he was not a good father. The grief quickly disappeared though and I felt more guilty about why I wasn't grieved for longer. I feel bad that I didn't make peace with dad before he died and I wonder if I have any unforgiveness towards him. I have prayed about it but I have never got any type of message from God so I really don't know.
It was about four or so years ago now and I can only hope that he was saved. I pray that the Lord will give you peace about it and help you to move forwards.

 

[Mak33]

Hi Mak, I can relate to your story.
My siblings and I had nothing to do with my father for the past twenty years. He wasn't a good husband to my mum or a good father to us kids. It may be the reason why I never married, I don't know. I used to work in the tourist industry and five minutes before two bus load full of tourists arrive I got a text message from my brother saying dad had passed. I was quite shocked and numb, ran to the toilets and said to God I need help to cope with my job. Tourists flocked in and it was a matter of happy smiles, tours to do and happy conversation. I just went into machine mode. On top of that an extra bus load of people arrived unannounced. They were supposed to book and didn't.
Anyway it seems keeping me busy with customers with little to no time to think was a good thing although I didn't see it at the time. I think I may have said "God help, are you trying to kill me" We were all sad, even though he was not a good father. The grief quickly disappeared though and I felt more guilty about why I wasn't grieved for longer. I feel bad that I didn't make peace with dad before he died and I wonder if I have any unforgiveness towards him. I have prayed about it but I have never got any type of message from God so I really don't know.
It was about four or so years ago now and I can only hope that he was saved. I pray that the Lord will give you peace about it and help you to move forwards.

Thank you @Ruby123 for sharing your story, My sister also sent me a message asking how I feel and if I cried, because she also feels the same as I did, she asked me if it was normal? I think it was harder for me to explain.
I guess we grieve at out own time and acceptance is important. Thank you for this, I appreciate it.

 

[Magenta]

Thank you @Magenta for the wise words of wisdom, I truly appreciate it very much.

You are welcome Mak Have you looked into the stages of grief? Not that everyone grieves the same, but the process can hold similar elements regardless of the circumstances of your relationship. My own dad passed when I was quite a bit younger (I have already outlived him by quite a few years now), and my dream-life was one of the places where some of my issues got worked out. One such experience was quite intense, because I felt guilty about stealing money from my dad (I worked with him for many years from the age of eight until I was eighteen and moved away from home), and in one dream, it is hard to explain, but this came up and I felt in such a profound way - while dreaming - that he forgave me. To me, that was real, and I did not doubt at all that he truly did. Perhaps I should mention that I did dream work for many years off and on over the course of decades, but that was fairly early on, and experiences like that were one of the reasons why I did. I had moved out west six months before my dad passed also, and in the weeks before he died had quite a few dreams concerning my younger sisters, who had a much harder time dealing with his passing.

Our relationship with our parents can be so complicated. We love them and want to be loved by them, and are so often disappointed one way or another. Generational differences may play a role (I know they did with me); understanding their own upbringing and acknowledging the ways in which your dad was himself hurt and impaired may help you find a greater level of acceptance and forgiveness for who he was.

 

[Magenta]

Thank you @Ruby123 for sharing your story, My sister also sent me a message asking how I feel and if I cried, because she also feels the same as I did, she asked me if it was normal? I think it was harder for me to explain.
I guess we grieve at out own time and acceptance is important. Thank you for this, I appreciate it.

Having a family member to discuss these things with can really help, especially if they were there and had many shared experiences as you! You may find it even deepens your bond with your sister, which will be a blessing. I hope you are able to find others you can discuss your feelings with, also. Sometimes just having someone who is willing to listen to whatever you are going through can be invaluable

 

[Mak33]

Having a family member to discuss these things with can really help, especially if they were there and had many shared experiences as you! You may find it even deepens your bond with your sister, which will be a blessing. I hope you are able to find others you can discuss your feelings with, also. Sometimes just having someone who is willing to listen to whatever you are going through can be invaluable

It does help, thank you so much. Thanks to everyone here, you are all a blessing.

 

[Live4Him]

Thank you @Ruby123 for sharing your story, My sister also sent me a message asking how I feel and if I cried, because she also feels the same as I did, she asked me if it was normal? I think it was harder for me to explain.
I guess we grieve at out own time and acceptance is important. Thank you for this, I appreciate it.

My parents split when I was 12 years old, and I was number 8 out of 9 children (one had already died before I was born). My father moved out on his own, and for many years I was the only child who stayed in contact with him. We'd get together to go bowling or to go to a ballgame together...things like that. Ironically, as the years progressed, he showed affection and interest towards my other siblings, while basically shunning me altogether. I remember running into him at a public park once, and when he saw me, he said, "Do I have to jump into the lake to avoid you?" He never really told me that he loved me, although he did allude to it once at my wedding (I actually had him as my best man). His primary beef with me over many of those years was my Christianity. He railed (maybe too strong of a word) against it for years, but finally became a Christian himself at around age 80 to 81. He died when he was 83.

Anyhow, I said all of that to say this:

I didn't really grieve initially when he died. Part of the reason was because I felt that he went to be with the Lord. However, a couple of years after his passing, I had to travel through Cleveland, OH where he was born and raised. As I was driving on the highway and noticing an exit ramp towards Cleveland, I suddenly burst into tears.

Just let things happen naturally, and don't beat yourself up.

 

[Mak33]

My parents split when I was 12 years old, and I was number 8 out of 9 children (one had already died before I was born). My father moved out on his own, and for many years I was the only child who stayed in contact with him. We'd get together to go bowling or to go to a ballgame together...things like that. Ironically, as the years progressed, he showed affection and interest towards my other siblings, while basically shunning me altogether. I remember running into him at a public park once, and when he saw me, he said, "Do I have to jump into the lake to avoid you?" He never really told me that he loved me, although he did allude to it once at my wedding (I actually had him as my best man). His primary beef with me over many of those years was my Christianity. He railed (maybe too strong of a word) against it for years, but finally became a Christian himself at around age 80 to 81. He died when he was 83.

Anyhow, I said all of that to say this:

I didn't really grieve initially when he died. Part of the reason was because I felt that he went to be with the Lord. However, a couple of years after his passing, I had to travel through Cleveland, OH where he was born and raised. As I was driving on the highway and noticing an exit ramp towards Cleveland, I suddenly burst into tears.

Just let things happen naturally, and don't beat yourself up.

Thank you for sharing, it's sad to know many children had come from a broken family, like us, but as you've said God is our Father. A Father of the fatherless.
I am glad at the end your dad gets to accept Christ, which is the most important.

I think I will be okay. Thanks to all of you, I have to believe he is in a better place now from all those prayers I had for him over the years, rather than lying in bed suffering in pain.

 

[Live4Him]

Thank you for sharing, it's sad to know many children had come from a broken family, like us, but as you've said God is our Father. A Father of the fatherless.
I am glad at the end your dad gets to accept Christ, which is the most important.

I think I will be okay. Thanks to all of you, I have to believe he is in a better place now from all those prayers I had for him over the years, rather than lying in bed suffering in pain.

In my father's case, I really didn't understand him until late in his life. Only about a year or two before he died, he typed up his own "memoirs". It was really only about 30 pages long, and he put it in binders and gave a copy to each of his children. As I read it, I came to understand that my father had a messed up childhood of his own which greatly affected him throughout his own life. I obviously never met your father, but perhaps the situation was similar with him as well. Sometimes we look for things in people that they simple cannot give us because they never received them themselves. I'm not trying to make excuses for anyone, but sometimes a little bit of understanding can go a long way.

In a very real sense, we're all just big children who are living out our formative years throughout our lives. Thankfully, God's mercy and grace can heal old wounds, and we don't have to pass on our own hurts and insecurities to future generations.

Anyhow, thanks for sharing your own situation with us.

Like I said, it was heart-wrenching to read, but it can also help to make us better persons ourselves by God's grace.

Again, God bless you.

 

[Mak33]

In my father's case, I really didn't understand him until late in his life. Only about a year or two before he died, he typed up his own "memoirs". It was really only about 30 pages long, and he put it in binders and gave a copy to each of his children. As I read it, I came to understand that my father had a messed up childhood of his own which greatly affected him throughout his own life. I obviously never met your father, but perhaps the situation was similar with him as well. Sometimes we look for things in people that they simple cannot give us because they never received them themselves. I'm not trying to make excuses for anyone, but sometimes a little bit of understanding can go a long way.

In a very real sense, we're all just big children who are living out our formative years throughout our lives. Thankfully, God's mercy and grace can heal old wounds, and we don't have to pass on our own hurts and insecurities to future generations.

Anyhow, thanks for sharing your own situation with us.

Like I said, it was heart-wrenching to read, but it can also help to make us better persons ourselves by God's grace.

Again, God bless you.

Thank you, My dad also sent me an email about 10 years ago asking for forgiveness for what he did, he was irresponsible and a womanizer and my mother can not stand it anymore so they got an annulment. He was saying sorry for everything, at that time I was a christian already and told him I have forgiven him a very long time ago since I became a christian and I said not to worry about it and let the past be past, because I can not go on with bitterness in my heart for both of my parents actually, he responded okay but After that email I have not heard from him again the next news I heard he was having a dementia and that did not recovered until he passed.
I am glad I have God in my life who sustains and strengthens me.

 

[Live4Him]

Thank you, My dad also sent me an email about 10 years ago asking for forgiveness for what he did, he was irresponsible and a womanizer and my mother can not stand it anymore so they got an annulment. He was saying sorry for everything, at that time I was a christian already and told him I have forgiven him a very long time ago since I became a christian and I said not to worry about it and let the past be past, because I can not go on with bitterness in my heart for both of my parents actually, he responded okay but After that email I have not heard from him again the next news I heard he was having a dementia and that did not recovered until he passed.
I am glad I have God in my life who sustains and strengthens me.

I'm happy to hear that he at least attempted to apologize to you.

I normally have a lot to say on this website, but when it comes to matters of the heart like this, although I truly am moved with compassion, I almost feel incapable of helping because words only go so far. I truly am sorry for your situation.

 

[Mak33]

I'm happy to hear that he at least attempted to apologize to you.

I normally have a lot to say on this website, but when it comes to matters of the heart like this, although I truly am moved with compassion, I almost feel incapable of helping because words only go so far. I truly am sorry for your situation.

Thanks to everyone here, God bless!

 

[Bingo]

"I could write a book on the subject of a life not knowing or seeing a Mom or Dad, for years.
Life happening has endless circumstances, and acceptance plays an important part, believe it.
I am grateful for a loving Christian grandmother, that raised my brother and I.
My Mom and Dad, now gone, and I respectfully pray R.I. P. by the grace of God.
I know over the years, God being a part of my life, has greatly helped put many things
in perspective order, and I am grateful of this...believe it!"

 

[Mak33]

"I could write a book on the subject of a life not knowing or seeing a Mom or Dad, for years.
Life happening has endless circumstances, and acceptance plays an important part, believe it.
I am grateful for a loving Christian grandmother, that raised my brother and I.
My Mom and Dad, now gone, and I respectfully pray R.I. P. by the grace of God.
I know over the years, God being a part of my life, has greatly helped put many things
in perspective order, and I am grateful of this...believe it!"

View attachment 227020

Thanks for sharing, yes acceptance is very important and having God all throughout has Great most significant impact in our lives. What a great and magnificent God we have and thanks for the people that God used for us to be saved.

 

[Blackpowderduelist]

How to grieve for a father I hardly knew?

I have not talked to him for more than a decade, we do not have a relationship and he was not a part of my life growing up, few months ago a relative told me he was very ill and informed us to prepare ourselves for what may come, I cried my heart out and prayed to God for his salvation, although we are apart most of my life, he was always in my prayers. Last week I had the news that my father passed away but I didn't feel anything, I went through my normal day... I wanted to cry but I coudn't.
I visited his wake today and signed his death certificate to be released from the hospital to be able to bury him in peace.
I just don't know how to feel... So Rest in Peace Papa!

No one knows how in situations like these. All you can do is pray and live. May the peace of the Lord be with you.