Please Help!! Marriage on the line!

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sisarie

Guest
#1
#1
Can anyone out there help me? My husband recently told me that he had a one night stand with another woman. He says he's sorry and that it only happened once and he felt so guilty about it that he had to tell me. We had several long talks about it, and I have decided to try to forgive him and stay married. We have an eight month old daughter, and I truly believe that we should both be here for her. Also, I love my husband with all my heart and I know that we are supposed to love and forgive as God loves and forgives. But my problem is that now I can't seem to bring myself to sleep with my husband without thinking "he probably did this with that woman". I haven't been able to be intimate with him since he told me, and I don't know what to do about this. I don't spend all my time thinking about what happened during any other time, but when he tries to touch me, I can't stop thinking about what he did. Does this mean that I'm not truly forgiving him even though I think I am? How do I get past this? What can I do to help things get back to normal? I just want this to be over!!! HELP!
 
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icilian

Guest
#2
#2
sisarie - Many people heal slower from things lesser than this. *Don't* be hard on yourself - it is natural that this will take you time to recover from, and be reassured from. The approach you take to healing must be based on what you need to know, or what you need to let yourself not think about -

If you need to know what was going through his head in order to feel as comfortable as you were before (it *wont* happen instantly), then talk to him about it.

If you have had all the talks about it as you can stand, then give yourself time to let yourself heal as and when you can.

Expecting yourself to be able to brush this off and beating yourself up because you cannot will not help you in the long run. Your gut heals slower than your heart may want to.
 
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sisarie

Guest
#3
#3
thank you for the advice! Patience is not one of my virtues. this is so hard....but thanks again for responding
 
RoboOp

RoboOp

Administrator
Staff member
#4
Aug 4, 2008
1,421
729
113
#4
Sorry to hear that sister...

You were the one wronged... and it's not easy to get over. He'll have to be very understanding about that. If he's truly sorry, he will be -- he must be.

I don't know how to get past it, except that, for most things, "time heals". And pray for God's help.
 
RoboOp

RoboOp

Administrator
Staff member
#5
Aug 4, 2008
1,421
729
113
#5
And hey, it's a terrible thing that happened -- a terrible sin that he did against you and against God -- but the fact that he was so convicted about it that he actually confessed it to you is a very good sign that he's truly repented and will not sin against God (and against you) again in that way. And I believe he'll also be very patient with you on this matter, knowing how he hurt you and caused this situation. Tell him the truth and tell him that it's really hard for you and that you're asking for God's help. Maybe your husband can actually help you in some kind of way in this matter.
 
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fani

Guest
#6
#6
TRuthfully, nothing will ever be the same as is was before. Trust was broken and it is very hard to get it back. All you can do is really prat about it. This is something only God can heal. I suggest you may ask for couseling in your church if it is available. Sometimes having a counselor can really help you get htrough this.
 
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boaz

Guest
#7
#7
sister if you forgive him.. then ask him.. if this is true. and tell him to give proof that he will never do it again.. and u will have to move..on i know its tough but move on from the past.. Its hard but we have to just pray and move on
 
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icilian

Guest
#8
#8
fani said:
TRuthfully, nothing will ever be the same as is was before. Trust was broken and it is very hard to get it back. All you can do is really prat about it. This is something only God can heal. I suggest you may ask for couseling in your church if it is available. Sometimes having a counselor can really help you get htrough this.
Click to expand...
Words like 'ever' are very powerful. Are you sure that's exactly what you mean? And if so, could you clarify what will change forever?
 
R

Raeshelle

Guest
#9
#9
God can heal that trust and allow you to trust him again in time.. You just have to take time to heal from all this hurt. I can say this because it happen in my family. And I have seen God take all that hurt and bring back trust.. I am not talking about myself.. But another family member.. But he ended up trusting his wife again and they stayed married for 36 yrs until he passed on.. God will do the work if you let him.. I will keep you in my prayers.
 
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NoahsMom

Guest
#10
#10
It takes a special someone to be as loving and forgiving as your willing to be. I admire that, and I pray God instills in you what you need to make this work. Things take time, just hang in there, and hang on to God. He wont let ya down, and thats a promise.
 
iwant2serve

iwant2serve

Senior Member
#11
Apr 12, 2009
513
28
28
#11
Hi sis I am sorry this happened toi you and you husband. I have been on both sides of the situation and I think I can offer you some good sound advise on both ends. As well as try to offer you some of his feelings. As a man we don't see sex the same way as women, most time ouf feelings are not involved with an outside one night stand. Is he sorry? Yes, and he will never forget it because I have not forgot mine. Not that I think of how good it was but how much I lost. It took my wife longer to get over it when it was me then it did for me to get over her's. Do not torment yourself with the thoughts of what they done together, it was meaningless to your husband. What I mean is that it was sex with no feelings or emotions. This may sound kind of crazy but it has valid points. Don't push him away but let him know how far you can go and tell him to give you time. Not the time he thinks you should be over it but the time you need to heal. My wife and I have been married for 20 years now and I can tell you this. If two people really love each other and want to make it work nothing and I mean nothing can break them apart, but death. Be blessed and remember we all make mistakes some just hurt more that others. But we all can forgive. One more thing is that it had nothing to do with you as to what he did. It all had to do with him having a moment of weakness and satan taking advantage of the moment.
 
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sisarie

Guest
#12
#12
Thank you all for your good advice and prayers for us! It means a lot to know that I might not be alone in this. Because even though I know my Father is always with me, I sometimes feel as though I'm walking in this by myself. I have a hard talking to my husband about things like this because although I am doing my best to forgive, I have not yet forgetten and I can't quite bring myself to trust him right now. So hearing from you all has been a true blessing to me. I want to send special thanks to Iwant2serve....advice from someone who has been there is invaluable and thank you too for the perspective from the other side. But I would ask you, how it is that a person would risk all that they have with their spouse and family, on something that was meaningless??? He has told me that it meant nothing to him, that the woman meant nothing, and that being with her has made him realize just what a wonderful life he had here with his family. But if that's the case, why risk it all on something that meant nothing??? It kind of makes me feel like he wasn't getting something from this family or this marriage, that in some way, I wasn't good enough.
Anyway thanks again to you all....you have given me a lot to think and pray about. Mostly the hope that we can get beyond this!
 
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fani

Guest
#13
#13
icilian said:
Words like 'ever' are very powerful. Are you sure that's exactly what you mean? And if so, could you clarify what will change forever?
Click to expand...
To clarify "ever" Yes, I beileve God will heal and she will truelly forgive her husband but it is someting that will not be forgotten. Its our mind, and I wish we could erase memories we do not want. That just does not happen. My older Sister got married but her husband cheated on her once and told her to forgive her. The same situation as this one. She has forgiven him and 9 years has past. Now they have 2 sons and are living a very happy life together. For her it is still in the back of her mind. Its not that she thinks about it daily or anything. It's just always there trying to creep up again. It is a battle because the enemy will use it and its something she has to fight. It can become a struggle. I hope I calrified this for you.
 
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heyitsme

Guest
#14
#14
sisarie, i sent you a message...take time and read it.
Greg
 
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icilian

Guest
#15
#15
fani said:
To clarify "ever" Yes, I beileve God will heal and she will truelly forgive her husband but it is someting that will not be forgotten. Its our mind, and I wish we could erase memories we do not want. That just does not happen. My older Sister got married but her husband cheated on her once and told her to forgive her. The same situation as this one. She has forgiven him and 9 years has past. Now they have 2 sons and are living a very happy life together. For her it is still in the back of her mind. Its not that she thinks about it daily or anything. It's just always there trying to creep up again. It is a battle because the enemy will use it and its something she has to fight. It can become a struggle. I hope I calrified this for you.
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Perfectly. I was just worried that it may have robbed hope from sisarie a little. :)
 
M

mcap

Guest
#16
#16
I would like to say I am sorry for what you are going thru.It seems to be a popular thing these days.One good sign is he actually told you.That is the FIRST step.The second step was the arguing you did.Because you have not packed or kicked him out is a sign you are willing to start the healing process.This starts with you not being comfy in bed with him.This is normal and may last for a while.If he is truly wanting to work with you he needs to accept this as part of the process.Also If things get difficult you may want to call in a counselor.Not a regular college grad but a Christian counselor.They will get to the root of the problem and know how to help without prescribing drugs.Pray to God often and I believe this will work out if you truly want it too.

God bless
 
K

KrisK27

Guest
#17
#17
cheating is the ultimate betrayel and you DO NOT have to harm yourself and stay with him if it is so deeply hurting you. it would only make you grow into a dark hurting place. propose some time part in the marraige. take a few weeks away with no contact and see how you both feel. if needed take a month apart. if you feel the seperation is right then you go that way. if you feel a need to come back together then go that direction/

the worst thing you can do is FORCE your self to stay with him and the pain and justify it by blaming your daughter. if you stay and it brings you pain you would only get bitter and in some ways blame your daughter and shey would see that pain growing up and it would hurt her. also if your husband is broken and cheated. he needs time by himself to see whats wrong with him. and why he did it.

you are in my prayers. good luck
 
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sweetgirl26

Guest
#18
#18
I know what you are going through...i am kinda going through the same situation right now...the only thing is i have forgiven him, and he has done it over and over again...not only that but he lies to me about everything and hides other girls that call his cell phone all the time....i actually currently left him as i have to do what is best for my one year old daughter, and honestly myself...i struggled soo hard to leave because i didn't want other Christians looking down at me for leaving, but i have done what i needed to do...I had come to the same place of not being able to sleep with my husband because i was ALWAYS wondering the same thing....but if he is truly serious, you need to pray that God gives you strength, and a forgiving heart as well...Best of luck....I hope thigns work out for you!
 
B

boston

Banned
#19
May 22, 2009
36
0
0
#19
Sisarie i give a salute to you to give your Husband another chance. but i think you not forgot that what your husband did with another woman. If you want to saved your married life then you have to forgot all those things and accept you husband.
 
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boston

Banned
#20
May 22, 2009
36
0
0
#20
Sisarie i give a salute to you to give a another chance to your husband but i think you really not forgot those things. If you really want to save your married life then you have to forgot those things and accept your husband.
 
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