I'm not interested but, she is persistent...

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Liamson

Liamson

Senior Member
#1
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
69
48
#1
I finally had coffee with someone who has been begging me for weeks to go. I've been blowing her off mostly because I don't know her that well.

I have Coffee/Lunch with different people about 3 times a week and I'm pretty busy so getting out is rougher than it should be.

I wanted to talk to her about coming to my small group but, I think she thought it was a date. Which I realized this about 10 minutes into talking.

I could see she had a lot on her mind, so I let her rant. She was pretty bitter about guys not being interested in her or just wanting sex. I could see she was hurting, feeling inadequate and in general not feeling well about falling into people's friend boxes, so I listened. After we left the place, we had this awkward moment where she followed me to my car and I got in and drove away. I think she was expecting something else, which, isn't really a me kind of thing.

So I've kind of continued blowing her off until she can come to my small group. Which was cancelled on Sunday, so I have to wait a week.

I don't know what to tell her. I'm not very good and blowing people off or shewing away persistent folk. I don't know what to say or what to do.

I don't date and I'm not trying to but I almost want a relationship to stay ''Off the Market''
 
A

Adrianv125

Senior Member
#2
Jan 17, 2011
567
12
18
#2
I read your post. The best you can do is to sit down with her is say the truth. IDK how your walk is with God, but depending on this your version of truth will vary.
 
P

princessbella

Guest
#3
#3
i think Adrians right you need to sit down and talk to her set the boundries in a right way, i think as has been brought up in one of the treads it appears there is a problem of some christian guys wanting to get into a relationship for sex rather than because its genuine, and once theyve got what they want or dont get what they want they move on cos its not genuine.. When that sicuation has happened a few times it does leave us feeling cheep and hurt thinking are there any genuine guys out there who just want to get to know you.

THere is the possibility that its just her way of doing things what your taking as persistance might be that she genuinly wants you to like her as a person cos shes insecure , and wants you to be different from the other guys and just get to know her and have something genuine whether it be relationship or friendship. She maybe needs to understand why your blowing her off if its not your way of doing things and making you uncomfortable cos she might not realise her persistance is creeping you out or just not you if she doesnt know you well t.

What ive found is lack of comunication and just ignoring it will end up creating more hurt and more problems. If she then doesnt respect your boundries thats different , but you mght find out that youve actually got her wrong if you genuinly communcate with her and treat her with respect.. you might just be surprised.

i may be wrong but just saying try that first and see if it works , im just talking as someone whos been where that girl is :)

God bless

princess
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#4
#4
Telling someone that you aren’t interested in a relationship with them is a VERY difficult thing to do if you have a tender heart. Some people will actually exploit your desire not to hurt people and attempt to force you into trying out a relationship that you really don't want. Later on, when you say, okay…I did what you wanted and tried, but it’s just not working, you somehow end up being a rat anyway. And if, with a compassionate heart, you take the time to be kind and listen to their personal issues, as you have apparently tried to do, it’s even worse.

At some point it’s necessary to firmly say that you have a lot going on in your life and a relationship just doesn’t fit into it, and do whatever it takes to make it clear that it’s a “friends only” situation or nothing. Some people will take it as a personal affront or convince themselves that you have some issue with them; but that’s their issue, not yours, as long as you are honest and don’t play games with them. Again, it’s tough and you will be verbally abused/emotionally blackmailed for it from time to time, but it is what it is. The only godly approach is just to be honest about how you feel and let it be. I do think you strongly made your point in the way you left things with the lady though.

Praying for you. Hope this helps. J
 
1

1still_waters

Guest
#5
#5
I kinda smirked reading this..cuz it's usually the gal asking how she can get the guy to take a hint....

She's obviously not getting the hint.
 
L

lightbliss

Guest
#6
#6
Just tell her that you're not interested.
 
T

thimsrebma

Guest
#7
#7
Well thats where you have been. Hiding under a rock from Coffee Girl.

I thin you should just keep ignoring her. When you do see her only talk about small group and God. This way she will get a clear picture of who you are. She may not be interested in you after she realizes how Christian you are. Or she may like you more but know that she has to give her life over to Him before you will have anything to do with her. But while she is doing that she will fall so deeply in love with Him that she will forget all about you.
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#8
Aug 2, 2009
24,653
4,316
113
#8
Tell her you don't believe in pre-marital sex. That usually works.
 
E

EverlastingChange

Guest
#10
#10
I think in situations like these we get quite uncomfortable with the only just way of dealing with it, which is understandable. However; They do say advice is what what you ask for when you know what you have to do, but wish you didn't. Now I don't believe that to be true to all situations. But in the likes of these I think so. Do what you know is right, tell her the truth about how you feel. And if she doesn't respect you being truthful with her in time, God always will have. I wish you all the best :).
 
N

NMsmile

Guest
#11
#11
Just treat her like a friend - no better - no worse. She probably won't know what to do.
 
Liamson

Liamson

Senior Member
#12
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
69
48
#12
thimsrebma said:
Well thats where you have been. Hiding under a rock from Coffee Girl.

I thin you should just keep ignoring her. When you do see her only talk about small group and God. This way she will get a clear picture of who you are. She may not be interested in you after she realizes how Christian you are. Or she may like you more but know that she has to give her life over to Him before you will have anything to do with her. But while she is doing that she will fall so deeply in love with Him that she will forget all about you.
Click to expand...
Well, she is already very deeply faithful to God. I want her to fall into our group of people so she won't feel so alone all the time.

NMsmile said:
Just treat her like a friend - no better - no worse. She probably won't know what to do.
Click to expand...
That is the plan. I would like to be her friend but I'm not used to trying to build friendships out of situations like this. I certainly am not trying to muddy waters.

EverlastingChange said:
I think in situations like these we get quite uncomfortable with the only just way of dealing with it, which is understandable. However; They do say advice is what what you ask for when you know what you have to do, but wish you didn't. Now I don't believe that to be true to all situations. But in the likes of these I think so. Do what you know is right, tell her the truth about how you feel. And if she doesn't respect you being truthful with her in time, God always will have. I wish you all the best :).
Click to expand...
Yes, that is true. I feel like I know what I have to do but, its the fact that I don't know what to say to make her be okay with it. I don't have the words.
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#13
Aug 2, 2009
24,653
4,316
113
#13
Oh ok this is soooo easy! I didn't know she was deeply faithfull to God. Just try to make a move on her and she'll be done with you.
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#14
Aug 2, 2009
24,653
4,316
113
#14
By the way, going out of your way to get her into your group is just going to make her think you like her.
 
S

seaco711

Senior Member
#15
Dec 30, 2009
104
0
0
#15
zeroturbulence said:
Oh ok this is soooo easy! I didn't know she was deeply faithfull to God. Just try to make a move on her and she'll be done with you.
Click to expand...
Hahahaha best answer yet!


(Except for mine of course. You're telling me that you have a devoted Christian girl who's into you and you don't want to pursue it? Send her my way!)
 
K

kiwi_OT

Guest
#16
#16
Liamson said:
I finally had coffee with someone who has been begging me for weeks to go. I've been blowing her off mostly because I don't know her that well.

I have Coffee/Lunch with different people about 3 times a week and I'm pretty busy so getting out is rougher than it should be.

I wanted to talk to her about coming to my small group but, I think she thought it was a date. Which I realized this about 10 minutes into talking.

I could see she had a lot on her mind, so I let her rant. She was pretty bitter about guys not being interested in her or just wanting sex. I could see she was hurting, feeling inadequate and in general not feeling well about falling into people's friend boxes, so I listened. After we left the place, we had this awkward moment where she followed me to my car and I got in and drove away. I think she was expecting something else, which, isn't really a me kind of thing.

So I've kind of continued blowing her off until she can come to my small group. Which was cancelled on Sunday, so I have to wait a week.

I don't know what to tell her. I'm not very good and blowing people off or shewing away persistent folk. I don't know what to say or what to do.

I don't date and I'm not trying to but I almost want a relationship to stay ''Off the Market''
Click to expand...
I disagree it sounds like you're very good at blowing her off, only your purpose of getting her to leave you alone is not working because your being neither honest nor forthright with her. What you want is not a sin, but your method of dealing with this girl is. She has been through hurt and has bitterness and sounds more like she needs a friend more than a relationship - even if she can't see that right now.
You need to make contact again and talk to her very gently (IN PERSON) and make it very clear to her where your at personally. Treat her as you would a sister. She might get upset, don't take it personally, its usually what happens when you set boundaries with a person who is not used to them.

And pray for her. Ask God to give you calmness, gentleness and wisdom when speaking to her.

Suck it up, be a man and speak clearly to her. Be very careful also of your tone of voice and language (girls esp hurt girls are very sensitive to such things), don't take another person with you or else she will feel ganged up on.

Do the right thing brother
 
N

NodMyHeadLikeYeah

Guest
#17
#17
Liamson said:
I finally had coffee with someone who has been begging me for weeks to go. I've been blowing her off mostly because I don't know her that well.

I have Coffee/Lunch with different people about 3 times a week and I'm pretty busy so getting out is rougher than it should be.

I wanted to talk to her about coming to my small group but, I think she thought it was a date. Which I realized this about 10 minutes into talking.

I could see she had a lot on her mind, so I let her rant. She was pretty bitter about guys not being interested in her or just wanting sex. I could see she was hurting, feeling inadequate and in general not feeling well about falling into people's friend boxes, so I listened. After we left the place, we had this awkward moment where she followed me to my car and I got in and drove away. I think she was expecting something else, which, isn't really a me kind of thing.

So I've kind of continued blowing her off until she can come to my small group. Which was cancelled on Sunday, so I have to wait a week.

I don't know what to tell her. I'm not very good and blowing people off or shewing away persistent folk. I don't know what to say or what to do.

I don't date and I'm not trying to but I almost want a relationship to stay ''Off the Market''
Click to expand...


Tell her she looks really bloated
 
N

NodMyHeadLikeYeah

Guest
#19
#19
yes........yes i would
 
Liamson

Liamson

Senior Member
#20
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
69
48
#20
kiwi_OT said:
I disagree it sounds like you're very good at blowing her off, only your purpose of getting her to leave you alone is not working because your being neither honest nor forthright with her. What you want is not a sin, but your method of dealing with this girl is. She has been through hurt and has bitterness and sounds more like she needs a friend more than a relationship - even if she can't see that right now.
You need to make contact again and talk to her very gently (IN PERSON) and make it very clear to her where your at personally. Treat her as you would a sister. She might get upset, don't take it personally, its usually what happens when you set boundaries with a person who is not used to them.

And pray for her. Ask God to give you calmness, gentleness and wisdom when speaking to her.

Suck it up, be a man and speak clearly to her. Be very careful also of your tone of voice and language (girls esp hurt girls are very sensitive to such things), don't take another person with you or else she will feel ganged up on.

Do the right thing brother
Click to expand...
Grrrr....

I don't want to make a scene. In person, alone and bearing my absence of feelings is not what I'm going to do. I want everything to be casual and for her to see what its like to be with me and my friends, as a friend. So, group stuff is about the only way I'm willing to see her again.
 
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