How to grieve for a father I hardly knew?

[Tararose]

How to grieve for a father I hardly knew?

I have not talked to him for more than a decade, we do not have a relationship and he was not a part of my life growing up, few months ago a relative told me he was very ill and informed us to prepare ourselves for what may come, I cried my heart out and prayed to God for his salvation, although we are apart most of my life, he was always in my prayers. Last week I had the news that my father passed away but I didn't feel anything, I went through my normal day... I wanted to cry but I coudn't.
I visited his wake today and signed his death certificate to be released from the hospital to be able to bury him in peace.
I just don't know how to feel... So Rest in Peace Papa!

Wow, it is hard to know how to even begin to offer consolation.

I really want to say, its ok. However you are feeling - it is ok. It is normal.
Relationships, connections, take time and a lot of investment of yourself. You were not given the chance to form either by the sounds of it, and at no fault of your own.
Not knowing how - or if you should - grieve for someone you barely knew, is normal.

It isn't nice that it was that way, it isn't fair to you that you have to be in this position now, but it is not your fault and you are not wrong for feeling, or not feeling, any particular way about his death.

You sincerely prayed for him, and that is what matters. That was an act of love that you did not have to do, and you wept there and then for him and for his soul. That was a deep grieving in a very real way, even before he had passed away.

You let him know that you forgave him, while he was still alive, and that you did so because of Jesus. That alone was an act of love and I am sure was a massive testimony to your father, even if he did not admit it then and there.

Take comfort in the knowledge that God is a father to the fatherless and He will comfort you as you lean on Him at this confusing and difficult time.

Please check in and let us know how you are soon. x

 

[Mak33]

T

No one knows how in situations like these. All you can do is pray and live. May the peace of the Lord be with you.

I agree, Thank you so much.

 

[Mak33]

Wow, it is hard to know how to even begin to offer consolation.

I really want to say, its ok. However you are feeling - it is ok. It is normal.
Relationships, connections, take time and a lot of investment of yourself. You were not given the chance to form either by the sounds of it, and at no fault of your own.
Not knowing how - or if you should - grieve for someone you barely knew, is normal.

It isn't nice that it was that way, it isn't fair to you that you have to be in this position now, but it is not your fault and you are not wrong for feeling, or not feeling, any particular way about his death.

You sincerely prayed for him, and that is what matters. That was an act of love that you did not have to do, and you wept there and then for him and for his soul. That was a deep grieving in a very real way, even before he had passed away.

You let him know that you forgave him, while he was still alive, and that you did so because of Jesus. That alone was an act of love and I am sure was a massive testimony to your father, even if he did not admit it then and there.

Take comfort in the knowledge that God is a father to the fatherless and He will comfort you as you lean on Him at this confusing and difficult time.

Please check in and let us know how you are soon. x

Thank you Dear @Tararose for your words of encouragement, it means a great deal to me to hear and validate what I am feeling, I think that is what I am seeking as I feel a little bit guilty sometimes, thank you so much, it has been difficult, also being in the middle of everything between my mom who does not want us to do anything with his death due to Corona Virus spreading around, let alone going the hospital to sign his death certificate, but it can only be done through an immediate family which is us his children, so I was also fighting and arguing with her at the same time while "mourning" for my father, literally the tension exist but I manage to to do it as I have no other choice and I quickly went to his wake without her knowing it. She was so dramatic.

I am getting better and it gets easier each passing day, knowing he is in a better place now. Thank you for your concern, thanks to everyone who take time to send me messages, it means a lot to me.

 

[Tararose]

Thank you Dear @Tararose for your words of encouragement, it means a great deal to me to hear and validate what I am feeling, I think that is what I am seeking as I feel a little bit guilty sometimes, thank you so much, it has been difficult, also being in the middle of everything between my mom who does not want us to do anything with his death due to Corona Virus spreading around, let alone going the hospital to sign his death certificate, but it can only be done through an immediate family which is us his children, so I was also fighting and arguing with her at the same time while "mourning" for my father, literally the tension exist but I manage to to do it as I have no other choice and I quickly went to his wake without her knowing it. She was so dramatic.

I am getting better and it gets easier each passing day, knowing he is in a better place now. Thank you for your concern, thanks to everyone who take time to send me messages, it means a lot to me.

Ah it all sounds really hard to navigate. Your mum probably just wants you to be free from any concern or burden or being drawn in to more upset, not realising that you just need to do what you need to do at this time.

Pray for her if you can, she will be feeling protective and frustrated that she cannot help you the way she feels is best for you, rightly or wrongly. Being a son can be hard work, but being a mum can be tricky too.

I hope that you have older christians you can confide in and take counsel and encouragement from. It is so helpful to get an outside view when emotions are running high and there is so much conflict.

Thanks for keeping us up to date on things. big sisterly hugs x

 

[Mak33]

@Tararose, Thanks so much, she can be difficult sometimes but I know my mum means well, I always pray for her. I have christian friends I can confide to, thanks for all the help. I Appreciate it very much. Hugs back at ya big sis. God bless!

 

[Dave42]

Sorry to hear what you went through with your Dads Mak33 and Live4him prayers for both of you, My dad never left, But I went through a mess with him he threw me against a trailer when I was a kid inside the house, he let me know many times he did not care for me, one day in the early 2000s he put his hands around my throat and tried to choke me to death, even few days before he went to the hospital for swelled up feet he told me he few times again he did not care for me he said he wish he could take me out, being saved helped me, Jesus was the only one there for me, I forgave him for all the bad times and prayed many times Jesus would save him even as he was in the hospital starving to death because they would not take time to tell him he needed to eat I prayed Jesus would save him and he saved him before he died

 

[Mak33]

Sorry to hear what you went through with your Dads Mak33 and Live4him prayers for both of you, My dad never left, But I went through a mess with him he threw me against a trailer when I was a kid inside the house, he let me know many times he did not care for me, one day in the early 2000s he put his hands around my throat and tried to choke me to death, even few days before he went to the hospital for swelled up feet he told me he few times again he did not care for me he said he wish he could take me out, being saved helped me, Jesus was the only one there for me, I forgave him for all the bad times and prayed many times Jesus would save him even as he was in the hospital starving to death because they would not take time to tell him he needed to eat I prayed Jesus would save him and he saved him before he died

@Dave42 that is heartbreaking, I am sorry to hear. I am sure that he is in a better place now too, we all suffer a great deal of pain but in the end the most important is that we have God as our father whos love is steadfast and unconditional, Our prayers are not in vain.

 

[Dave42]

@Dave42 that is heartbreaking, I am sorry to hear. I am sure that he is in a better place now too, we all suffer a great deal of pain but in the end the most important is that we have God as our father whos love is steadfast and unconditional, Our prayers are not in vain.

Thank you! Mak33 I appreciate the kind words, Yes he is in a better place now my pastor said the sinner's prayer with him before he died, Yes that's true and that is what helped me that I have God, Yes his loves us unconditional and deeper than the oceans, True are prayers not in vain Amen!

 

[Dave42]

Thank you! Mak33 I appreciate the kind words, Yes he is in a better place now my pastor said the sinner's prayer with him before he died, Yes that's true and that is what helped me that I have God, Yes his loves us unconditional and deeper than the oceans, True are prayers not in vain Amen!

Sorry about that I meant yes his love is unconditional, I put Yes his loves us unconditional lol...

 

[tstumf]

How to grieve for a father I hardly knew?

I have not talked to him for more than a decade, we do not have a relationship and he was not a part of my life growing up, few months ago a relative told me he was very ill and informed us to prepare ourselves for what may come, I cried my heart out and prayed to God for his salvation, although we are apart most of my life, he was always in my prayers. Last week I had the news that my father passed away but I didn't feel anything, I went through my normal day... I wanted to cry but I coudn't.
I visited his wake today and signed his death certificate to be released from the hospital to be able to bury him in peace.
I just don't know how to feel... So Rest in Peace Papa!

Words cannot express or truely describe how it feels to the great extent. I understand what you are going through. I was there and still am. Though it was my mother instead. My story is , I lost my mother to mental illness. Though her death certificate said sudden heart failure. I was a sophomore in high school when her illness really became evident. Without going into detail she was seeing things that were not there. Hearing people and voices that were not there and she had this split personality thing. You never knew if you were talking to mom or her alter personality cause it could change halfway through a conversation. The mom personally loved ow she loved so well. That other personality was mean spirited , evil ,viscous. It got progressively worse to the point she alienated her entire family both her side and my dads. Dad and her divorced, he just couldn’t do it anymore. She disappeared for years on end. Never hear anything then there she was out of nowhere. Then about 7 years of silence. No one knows where she’s at nor did most care cause her alter personality destroyed her relationships . On dec 1 2020. At 6pm I get a knock on my door from an officer telling me my mother was living in the same town as me this whole time and she died. We didn’t even know she was living in the State let alone our little town all those years. I was numb to it as you. Didn’t feel anything like it thought I should. I felt guilty. Then one day a man told me you have grieved the loss of your mother long before her physical death. I’m still processing it all 7 months later but I think he’s right. The mom I knew and loved died in 2006 while she physically died in 2020. I don’t know if that helps you at all but you are not alone.

 

[Mak33]

Words cannot express or truely describe how it feels to the great extent. I understand what you are going through. I was there and still am. Though it was my mother instead. My story is , I lost my mother to mental illness. Though her death certificate said sudden heart failure. I was a sophomore in high school when her illness really became evident. Without going into detail she was seeing things that were not there. Hearing people and voices that were not there and she had this split personality thing. You never knew if you were talking to mom or her alter personality cause it could change halfway through a conversation. The mom personally loved ow she loved so well. That other personality was mean spirited , evil ,viscous. It got progressively worse to the point she alienated her entire family both her side and my dads. Dad and her divorced, he just couldn’t do it anymore. She disappeared for years on end. Never hear anything then there she was out of nowhere. Then about 7 years of silence. No one knows where she’s at nor did most care cause her alter personality destroyed her relationships . On dec 1 2020. At 6pm I get a knock on my door from an officer telling me my mother was living in the same town as me this whole time and she died. We didn’t even know she was living in the State let alone our little town all those years. I was numb to it as you. Didn’t feel anything like it thought I should. I felt guilty. Then one day a man told me you have grieved the loss of your mother long before her physical death. I’m still processing it all 7 months later but I think he’s right. The mom I knew and loved died in 2006 while she physically died in 2020. I don’t know if that helps you at all but you are not alone.

@tstumf Thank you for sharing your story, it is heartbreaking, it's sad to lose someone especially to mental illness, my dad also sufferend from dimentia his last few years. I have been okay now for quite sometime, I have learned to let go and let God, I just felt indifferent sometimes whenever I pray, bec I used to pray for him, you know when you "roll-call" your family in your prayers, but now that he is gone there is nothing left to pray for... it is sad in a way that we never get the chance to say goodbye. Thanks for sharing your story, and I hope that you yourself is getting better in your grief with your mothers passing. God bless!