I’m over 40, still a Virgin and scared of intercourse still

[cinder]

Is something wrong with me? I love men, I’ve had great relationships, however I’m turned off by the idea of a man’s sex organ going inside of my body and especially by the idea of a man releasing his bodily fluids into my body.

I don’t have any trauma in my background and I loved dating in the past, being with a man and making out. I’ve never been fully naked with a man though (just From the top up is all I could do).

Whenever a guy brings up intercourse, I get turned off and want to end the relationship. I’m over 40, is something wrong with me?

i don‘t think I’d feel safe having intercourse within marriage either, I don’t feel men are safe and I don’t think men think monogamously like we women do. I’ve also recently been reading about men who cheat on their wives and girlfriends with other men and bring back uncurable STD’s like HIV and others! I now have it in my mind that most men are bisexual and also deceptive and they also see nothing wrong with frequenting prostitutes and escorts.

is it sinful to think this way and be scared of intercourse? Is it sinful that as a woman I have not had intercourse and there’s a chance I never will, meaning I won’t have kids either? 🤔😔

I'm still a little confused about what the real issue you're concerned about is. Is it:

1) I'm afraid I'm not normal? Not sure anyone is exactly normal and while a disinterest in sex can be isolating, if that's your biggest problem you're doing ok.

2) I want to date and eventually be married but am afriad my fear of sex will prove an insurmountable barrier ? Well it might, but you also have to keep in mind that you aren't going to marry some random man. If you marry you're going to marry an individual that you've spent time getting to know and building a relationship with and hopefully building that trust with.

3) I'm worried that my feelings are sinful and God is going to punish me for them or for remaining childless? All I can say definitively is that a phobia about sex is not something from God (even if there are perfectly good reasons for it), but God is much more likely to want to work you through the fear than punish you for it. He's for you and wants to do you good. Remember that.

4) I actually want to be married and have sex, but don't know how I'll get over this fear of contamination and feeling that men aren't capable of faithfulness? Only cure I know for that is to get to know some good men. The ones who are looking for hookups online are definitely not in this category.

 

[Desdichado]

Good catch.

To me this sounds like you are turned off by sex and male genitalia as you noted oral sex, rather than fear of sex.

 

[melita916]

Do you attend a local fellowship? Or have male friends who love honoring the Lord? I’m seeing a lot of generalizations about men in your posts, so I wondered if you knew godly men in your community.

 

[Gina3111_marriedToGod]

Do you attend a local fellowship? Or have male friends who love honoring the Lord? I’m seeing a lot of generalizations about men in your posts, so I wondered if you knew godly men in your community.

I am a member of a large church with tons of activities. We haven’t met up for services or activities in over a year though because of Covid. Everything has been virtual. Based on what some men have told me though, church is full of secretly gay/bi men from the choir director, choir and men that attend church. Gay/bi men or men who have had past issues such as drugs, prison or homelessness. I’ve even read some say the large churches have married men who become friends to sleep with each other behind their wives back. This is what men have told me... that the church and gyms are mostly secretly gay/bi men.

 

[Gina3111_marriedToGod]

I'm still a little confused about what the real issue you're concerned about is. Is it:

1) I'm afraid I'm not normal? Not sure anyone is exactly normal and while a disinterest in sex can be isolating, if that's your biggest problem you're doing ok.

2) I want to date and eventually be married but am afriad my fear of sex will prove an insurmountable barrier ? Well it might, but you also have to keep in mind that you aren't going to marry some random man. If you marry you're going to marry an individual that you've spent time getting to know and building a relationship with and hopefully building that trust with.

3) I'm worried that my feelings are sinful and God is going to punish me for them or for remaining childless? All I can say definitively is that a phobia about sex is not something from God (even if there are perfectly good reasons for it), but God is much more likely to want to work you through the fear than punish you for it. He's for you and wants to do you good. Remember that.

4) I actually want to be married and have sex, but don't know how I'll get over this fear of contamination and feeling that men aren't capable of faithfulness? Only cure I know for that is to get to know some good men. The ones who are looking for hookups online are definitely not in this category.

Thanks for your response. You’ve made great points. As for my question, I was wondering primarily if other Christians felt being a woman over 40 that’s still a Virgin and of course no kids, is sinful! I know God wants us to reproduce. As a woman, in a few years, I will no longer be able to reproduce. Menopause and the inability of women to get pregnant thereafter starts around 50.

 

[cinder]

Thanks for your response. You’ve made great points. As for my question, I was wondering primarily if other Christians felt being a woman over 40 that’s still a Virgin and of course no kids, is sinful! I know God wants us to reproduce. As a woman, in a few years, I will no longer be able to reproduce. Menopause and the inability of women to get pregnant thereafter starts around 50.

God wanted mankind to reproduce and not go extinct. It's more debatable if that's an individual mandate. But since being married is to some extent beyond your control ( I mean you could just accept any guy who asked no matter how much of a mess he was, but I don't think that honors God) how can you be sinning by being not married yet? And since it's clear that sex outside of marriage is a sin, I don't see how being a virgin at 40 could be a sin if you've never been married. And while they can do amazing things with technology, in Bible days sex was a prerequisite for having children so how could being childless having never been married be a sin? Not to mention what about all those women who have really wanted to have a child but have not been able to (even with regular attempts at baby making)? Are they sinning by not having children?

Furthermore, if it were sinful to be a 40+ year old virgin and childless, what would be the path to repentance of that sin? Marry the next guy that asks no matter what he is like and hope he can impregnate you? Go out and sleep around until you get pregnant (that would make sinning an act of repentance for sinning)? Adopt a child or opt for artificial insemination so you can have a child to raise without having sex (and deliberately take on all the challenges for yourself and that child of being in a single parent home)? Not trying to pick on you, just picking apart the idea to show you that the idea of it being sinful to be an unmarried virigin of any age breaks down pretty quickly. Because ultimately it doesn't matter what other Christians think so much as it matters what God thinks.

 

[Gina3111_marriedToGod]

God wanted mankind to reproduce and not go extinct. It's more debatable if that's an individual mandate. But since being married is to some extent beyond your control ( I mean you could just accept any guy who asked no matter how much of a mess he was, but I don't think that honors God) how can you be sinning by being not married yet? And since it's clear that sex outside of marriage is a sin, I don't see how being a virgin at 40 could be a sin if you've never been married. And while they can do amazing things with technology, in Bible days sex was a prerequisite for having children so how could being childless having never been married be a sin? Not to mention what about all those women who have really wanted to have a child but have not been able to (even with regular attempts at baby making)? Are they sinning by not having children?

Furthermore, if it were sinful to be a 40+ year old virgin and childless, what would be the path to repentance of that sin? Marry the next guy that asks no matter what he is like and hope he can impregnate you? Go out and sleep around until you get pregnant (that would make sinning an act of repentance for sinning)? Adopt a child or opt for artificial insemination so you can have a child to raise without having sex (and deliberately take on all the challenges for yourself and that child of being in a single parent home)? Not trying to pick on you, just picking apart the idea to show you that the idea of it being sinful to be an unmarried virigin of any age breaks down pretty quickly. Because ultimately it doesn't matter what other Christians think so much as it matters what God thinks.

Thanks 🙏🤗 ((hug))

 

[Hungry]

Thanks for your response. You’ve made great points. As for my question, I was wondering primarily if other Christians felt being a woman over 40 that’s still a Virgin and of course no kids, is sinful! I know God wants us to reproduce. As a woman, in a few years, I will no longer be able to reproduce. Menopause and the inability of women to get pregnant thereafter starts around 50.

It’s not sinful to be celibate. It would be sinful to marry a dude you never wanted sex with. As far as bisexual guys secretly meeting and having sex with each other at the church gym, time to find a new church.

 

[Desdichado]

This is an offense that should carry the death penalty.

As far as bisexual guys secretly meeting and having sex with each other at the church gym, time to find a new church.

 

[Gina3111_marriedToGod]

This is an offense that should carry the death penalty.

I prefer not to judge others Or wish bad on others! It is what it is! I also said church and gym!
From what I’ve learned throughout my years, unlike us women, many men are very sexual and seek to sleep with different people, including other men like their male friends. Even after this, they still call themselves ‘straight’ and pursue women. I don’t judge though. I accept it, but know there’s a lot worse and more evil going on in this world!

 

[Desdichado]

You can stand to be a bit more judgmental.

Sodomy in the Church shows a grave disrespect towards the Lord and there are few worse things than that. A culture that simply let's it slide is heading towards Perdition.

I don't know where you live, but those are men are profligates. Their poor wives deserve better.

I prefer not to judge others Or wish bad on others! It is what it is! I also said church and gym!
From what I’ve learned throughout my years, unlike us women, many men are very sexual and seek to sleep with different people, including other men like their male friends. Even after this, they still call themselves ‘straight’ and pursue women. I don’t judge though. I accept it, but know there’s a lot worse and more evil going on in this world!

 

[Desdichado]

And I stand by what I said. In a truly just world, they would be dead.

 

[Gina3111_marriedToGod]

And I stand by what I said. In a truly just world, they would be dead.

I thought this was a Christian forum where we do not judge or wish harm on others? You do know a lot of the catholic priests are also gay/bisexual right ? and that there’s also been many reports from boys that they were sexually assaulted by Catholic priests? The churches are like anywhere else, many deceptive people that are sinners! That’s why God must be in our hearts and homes first! Church leaders are to teach and help but those in church (from the choir and even pastors and others) are regular human beings, full of sinners!

Several of the bullies I’ve had throughout my life were extremely religious and were all about going to Church and being saved and doing church activities but at school or in the workplace, they would bully and torment others! There’s a lot of evil in this world which is why we need to pray, have morals and try to live according to Gods direction and word!

 

[Desdichado]

This is indeed a Christian forum. Being forgiven of our sins and forgiving of others does not mean we shouldn't maintain standards. There is no Gospel without Law. Christ came to fulfill the law, not abolish it.

I would submit this lax mindset is part of the reason why your church tolerates those who would habitually sin against God and treat the covenant of marriage like a disposable rag. Perhaps you fear sex because you have subjected yourself to this chaotic environment within the walls of your church.

Get out of there. Find a place more orderly.

I thought this was a Christian forum where we do not judge or wish harm on others? You do know a lot of the catholic priests are also gay/bisexual right ? and that there’s also been many reports from boys that they were sexually assaulted by Catholic priests? The churches are like anywhere else, many deceptive people that are sinners! That’s why God must be in our hearts and homes first! Church leaders are to teach and help but those in church (from the choir and even pastors and others) are regular human beings, full of sinners!

Several of the bullies I’ve had throughout my life were extremely religious and were all about going to Church and being saved and doing church activities but at school or in the workplace, they would bully and torment others! There’s a lot of evil in this world which is why we need to pray, have morals and try to live according to Gods direction and word!

 

[Hungry]

I prefer not to judge others Or wish bad on others! It is what it is! I also said church and gym!
From what I’ve learned throughout my years, unlike us women, many men are very sexual and seek to sleep with different people, including other men like their male friends. Even after this, they still call themselves ‘straight’ and pursue women. I don’t judge though. I accept it, but know there’s a lot worse and more evil going on in this world!

What city are you in? I can tell you in my whole life I got hit on maybe four times by dudes. Two were obviously gay, one bi (that surprised me) and the fourth might have been a joke. Through work, church, and parents of kid’s friends I’ve socialized with thousands. Regarding the Catholic Church, they practise pseudo Christianity. There will be an exceptionally harsh judgment for many of their priests and bishops. Also I think your assessment may be off. Women can be extremely sexual and are trending more to bisexuality. I have met more gays than lesbians but way more bisexual women than bisexual men. I think it’s interesting that there is Mosaic Law against gay dudes, men with beasts, and women with beasts but nothing against women with women. It makes be wonder if polygamy allowed women to “comfort” each other.

 

[Gina3111_marriedToGod]

What city are you in? I can tell you in my whole life I got hit on maybe four times by dudes. Two were obviously gay, one bi (that surprised me) and the fourth might have been a joke. Through work, church, and parents of kid’s friends I’ve socialized with thousands. Regarding the Catholic Church, they practise pseudo Christianity. There will be an exceptionally harsh judgment for many of their priests and bishops. Also I think your assessment may be off. Women can be extremely sexual and are trending more to bisexuality. I have met more gays than lesbians but way more bisexual women than bisexual men. I think it’s interesting that there is Mosaic Law against gay dudes, men with beasts, and women with beasts but nothing against women with women. It makes be wonder if polygamy allowed women to “comfort” each other.

I honestly wouldn't have any idea about that, I'm not into popular culture and most women I've met all of my life were straight. If they were anything else, it appears outside of LGBT areas, they hide it from other women. I'm also straight/heterosexual so not knowledgable about that whole scene.

 

[Desdichado]

There are other probable alternatives.

1. Lesbianism is historically less common than other brands of sexual sin.

2. Perhaps this is where law meets custom and interpretation. They probably upheld the same standard for women even if the law specifically doesn't specifically address women. Exodus 20:17 doesn't mention a female equivalent for "covet thy neighbor's wife," but surely women are held to account for their covetousness as well.

I have met more gays than lesbians but way more bisexual women than bisexual men. I think it’s interesting that there is Mosaic Law against gay dudes, men with beasts, and women with beasts but nothing against women with women. It makes be wonder if polygamy allowed women to “comfort” each other.

 

[Hungry]

I get what you and the other poster have mentioned in terms of ‘asexuality’, I used to consider myself that until I read other claiming they were asexual and had aversions to intimacy in general. I read some asexuals saying they didn’t like being touched. I’m the opposite, I love making out, kissing and touching and being in a relationship. For me, I just can’t open myself up for intercourse or oral sex. In the past I was in relationships that lasted up to 2 years where we kissed a lot, made out, held hands, etc., but once he brought up intercourse or was expecting it, I was turned OFF and lost all desire to continue the relationship.

Forgive my curiosity. I must have skipped over this post earlier. What feelings do you encounter when kissing/making out and “touching”? That would all be foreplay, not “end game”. Dare I ask if you can feel sexual independently or aroused by girls? Maybe you just don’t like dudes? What is the possibility that you think bisexuality is more common than it is because of personal reasons?

 

[Hungry]

I honestly wouldn't have any idea about that, I'm not into popular culture and most women I've met all of my life were straight. If they were anything else, it appears outside of LGBT areas, they hide it from other women. I'm also straight/heterosexual so not knowledgable about that whole scene.

I guess that answers my next post.

 

[Gina3111_marriedToGod]

Forgive my curiosity. I must have skipped over this post earlier. What feelings do you encounter when kissing/making out and “touching”? That would all be foreplay, not “end game”. Dare I ask if you can feel sexual independently or aroused by girls? Maybe you just don’t like dudes? What is the possibility that you think bisexuality is more common than it is because of personal reasons?

- I feel normal feelings when kissing, cuddling or making out with a man during my past relationships. Feelings of connecting with a man, joining my body somewhat with him. Kissing as a form of affection and connecting with my partner. I guess in my mind, I don't see it as 'foreplay' but just making out. Sexual intercourse and oral sex is a whole different story to me. That's something I feel is really to be done with a life partner, someone I know very well and has committed himself to me. That's what I've always felt growing up. Plus, nowadays STD testing is important.

-independently, I do feel 'sexual' sometimes. I do fantasize, etc, but always and only about being with a man.

- I'm only attracted to men. I have thought maybe my issue is with the male genitalia but I know that I am not attracted to women physically or sexually. Even though it scares me somewhat and grosses me out, my idea of sex is still me as a woman experiencing the male sex organ going into my female sex organ haha. I know it feels good but still I only think of all the consequences and dangers.

- As for my statements about men sleeping with their male friends or cheating, this is what I know is going on. I know too many women offline and online that have experienced it. I've also had a lot of LGBTQ+ men tell me that they've slept with many men who claim to be straight, whom have wives and girlfriends, but who come to them as men for sex. There's a lot of men who are having sexual relations with other men but don't consider themselves 'gay' because they claim they can only have 'relationships' as in dating and living arrangements with women. It's alot of that going on. Also, in terms of the churches, there's a lot of men with Same Sex attraction that are attracted to churches and even leadership positions in the churches. I've been told by men confidently over the years that the church is a major place bisexual and in the closet gay men go to get with other men. Even those married men are sleeping with men behind their wives backs.