Is It Acceptable as a Christian to Say That Looks DO Count?

[Gojira]

I understand that these subjects are hard to talk about, but I've always been the person who wants to talk about the things people don't like talking about.

I am overjoyed for people who stay in lasting marriages. My entire family has managed to do that, except for me. I was married in my 20's for a brief time, and my husband left me for a taller, thinner redhead we worked with.

When I bring up topics like this, these are the situations I am thinking about (whether it's men or women, because we all know plenty of men get left behind as well,) because it's a reality for many people.

As for "not dwelling on earthly things" -- I know we are to keep our eyes on the heavenly, but there is no choice but to deal with this earthly life in the meantime.

I was mentioning in another thread that my marriage ended when I came home from work, found half the house gone (he had moved out without telling me,) and then got papers saying, "You Are Being Sued for Divorce" in the mail. I was talking about what a shock the whole thing is, how your spouse can be your spouse one day, and a stranger in the world the next. And you're left to deal with the aftermath, such as paying for all the bills by yourself.

I was 25 years old. Christians helpfully told me that God hates divorce and I needed to stay alone for the rest of my life in order to obey His commands. And some still like to helpfully remind me of that.

I agree that it's all about God's will. The fact that it has been so long and I've never remarried might very well be God wanting me to stay single, but I do believe He might have it in His will for me to remarry someday. Either way and if not, I've learned to accept it, but it's taken a long time.

One of the Christian dating sites on used to have chat rooms arranged by age. In the room I frequented, there were often much older people roaming the rooms looking for someone 10-20+ years younger. Inevitably, looks are very important to most people. I've often said that I think the Christian population is even more demanding than the world, because most Christians believe "God only wants THE BEST for me," and they assume THE BEST means the best-looking, most financially secure person.

Life is a very ironic thing. Now I am often running into people a little bit older than me who didn't understand my being divorced, but they are now divorced or widowed themselves, and so they find themselves facing singleness as well.

Every now and then I write humorous threads, but most of the discussions I start are the things most people like to sweep under the rug, which is exactly why I like exposing them.

Great post. Well-written and said.

I didn't want to poke Kacey continually seeing she is in the wake of having buried the body of her love. That's a feeling that is difficult to put into words. I could not watch that myself, but had to walk away, it being so horrible. But, you did respond well in my opinion.

One of the issues with this topic is what people find physically appealing. The kind of women my best friend likes and I like are much different. I could never be with the women he thinks are so incredibly sexy. So, you may go on thinking that "men will never want me because I'm just not good-looking enough", but you have no idea the kind of tastes God put into any given man.

As for you, Seoul, he committed adultery. You are free to remarry.

 

[katheren]

yup like it good waiting for the right person that GOD has for me to girl you got to seek jesus daily

 

[seoulsearch]

Don't find it sad for me personally, sorry for the misunderstanding. Sad for humanity. We are to be sat apart from the world.

Kacey, I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I will definitely say a prayer for you.

May God show you His peace and comfort that is beyond our understanding.

God bless you.

 

[seoulsearch]

As for you, Seoul, he committed adultery. You are free to remarry.

The funny thing is, to many Christians I've run into, even this is not enough, and they still tell me I can't remarry. The even worse thing is, those who are divorced shouldn't have to tell others what they want through just to try to get the another person's justification. It's something that should be between them and God, but people demand public answers that are really none of their business.

I was saying in another thread that divorce gets the spotlight because it's a public matter, like a pregnancy. Everyone wants to know who and what caused it, who was more at fault, and whether or not the person asking personally thinks it's right or wrong. It keeps some people busy and distracted from what's going on in their own lives and marriages, because it's so much easier to judge someone else's.

Thank you for your kind words.

And I just wanted to say Gojira, I greatly enjoy the honesty (and in other threads, humor) you put into your posts.

I am very sorry about the loss of your wife. I find your stories of moving forward with what God has for you to be very inspiring, and I pray God will lead you into seasons of great things!

 

[Kacey]

Kacey, I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I will definitely say a prayer for you.

May God show you His peace and comfort that is beyond our understanding.

God bless you.

I feel I have been completely misunderstood here. I am not having a problem with this topic personally. Unfortunately there are plenty of men on dating sites who don't have a problem with how I look. I have a problem with Christians being too into vanity. That is the part that is sad. Sad for Christianity, and probably a good indicator of the enemy's reach into the hearts of believers.

 

[Lynx]

I feel I have been completely misunderstood here. I am not having a problem with this topic personally. Unfortunately there are plenty of men on dating sites who don't have a problem with how I look. I have a problem with Christians being too into vanity. That is the part that is sad. Sad for Christianity, and probably a good indicator of the enemy's reach into the hearts of believers.

Speaking of being misunderstood... I'm having trouble parsing that about men on dating sites. Why is it UNfortunate that they don't have a problem with how you look? I thought that would be a GOOD thing...

Is this one of those things I don't understand because I'm a guy?

 

[seoulsearch]

I feel I have been completely misunderstood here. I am not having a problem with this topic personally. Unfortunately there are plenty of men on dating sites who don't have a problem with how I look. I have a problem with Christians being too into vanity. That is the part that is sad. Sad for Christianity, and probably a good indicator of the enemy's reach into the hearts of believers.

I understand what you're saying.

But from the very beginning, people have found vanity and looks to be a very powerful persuading influence.

* The Bible notes that David's son Absalom was "free of any blemish from head to toe," and it was partly his handsome appearance that caused some of the people to follow him into rebellion against his father.

* Abraham's wife Sarah was so beautiful even in advanced age, that kings wanted her for themselves -- and Abraham handed her over to them, wanting to save his own life, leaving God alone to save her. Later on, his son Isaac did the exact same when a man in power wanted his wife Rebekah to be part of his harem.

I have often wondered if Abraham and Isaac would have ever chosen less beautiful wives.

* Isaac's son Jacob loved his wife Rachel, who was deemed to be beautiful, but not Leah, who was apparently much less attractive.

* Even Samuel the prophet, as powerful of a man of God as he was even from childhood, was swayed by looks. When God told him to visit Jesse because one of his sons would become king, Samuel saw David's older brother and thought "Surely this is the Lord's anointed!" due to his appearance.

But God rebuked even Samuel and told him that unlike man, God looks at the heart.

* However, in some cases, beauty does seem to be a direct blessing from God. When Job lost everything and God gave him a new family to replace the children he lost, the Bible notes that "nowhere in all the land was any woman to be found who was more beautiful than Job's daughters." The implication seems to be that in this case, their stunning beauty was indeed a gift from God.

I saw a cute summary by a Christian author once who said, "When God brought Eve to meet Adam for the first time, I'm pretty sure he wasn't thinking, 'Oh, I bet she has a wonderful personality!'"

The hard truth is that looks have and always will influence people's decisions, and no one can claim to be immune.

As Christians, we can at least ask God to help keep us on guard to both look and listen to where He is -- and isn't -- directing us.

 

[Kacey]

Speaking of being misunderstood... I'm having trouble parsing that about men on dating sites. Why is it UNfortunate that they don't have a problem with how you look? I thought that would be a GOOD thing...

Is this one of those things I don't understand because I'm a guy?

Many look at the photos and don't bother to read, or pay attention to what is said in the profile. That's unfortunate. Wastes both our time.

 

[Kacey]

I understand what you're saying.

But from the very beginning, people have found vanity and looks to be a very powerful persuading influence.

* The Bible notes that David's son Absalom was "free of any blemish from head to toe," and it was partly his handsome appearance that caused some of the people to follow him into rebellion against his father.

* Abraham's wife Sarah was so beautiful even in advanced age, that kings wanted her for themselves -- and Abraham handed her over to them, wanting to save his own life, leaving God alone to save her. Later on, his son Isaac did the exact same when a man in power wanted his wife Rebekah to be part of his harem.

I have often wondered if Abraham and Isaac would have ever chosen less beautiful wives.

* Isaac's son Jacob loved his wife Rachel, who was deemed to be beautiful, but not Leah, who was apparently much less attractive.

* Even Samuel the prophet, as powerful of a man of God as he was even from childhood, was swayed by looks. When God told him to visit Jesse because one of his sons would become king, Samuel saw David's older brother and thought "Surely this is the Lord's anointed!" due to his appearance.

But God rebuked even Samuel and told him that unlike man, God looks at the heart.

* However, in some cases, beauty does seem to be a direct blessing from God. When Job lost everything and God gave him a new family to replace the children he lost, the Bible notes that "nowhere in all the land was any woman to be found who was more beautiful than Job's daughters." The implication seems to be that in this case, their stunning beauty was indeed a gift from God.

I saw a cute summary by a Christian author once who said, "When God brought Eve to meet Adam for the first time, I'm pretty sure he wasn't thinking, 'Oh, I bet she has a wonderful personality!'"

The hard truth is that looks have and always will influence people's decisions, and no one can claim to be immune.

As Christians, we can at least ask God to help keep us on guard to both look and listen to where He is -- and isn't -- directing us.

Isaiah 53 describes Jesus this way, “He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.”

 

[Lynx]

Many look at the photos and don't bother to read, or pay attention to what is said in the profile. That's unfortunate. Wastes both our time.

Ah that makes sense. Thanks.

 

[1ofthem]

It doesn't have to be -- though you are still in the wake of the loss of your husband. Maybe this is not the best topic for you at this time?? I had to leave that marriage bed site I was on after my honey passed.

Ultimately, this is a human reality that should be openly discussed. Men and women need to understand each other in general far better than they currently do -- IMO. Men are wired differently than women, and women will never be fully understood by men. But, we have to try to get a better understanding at least so that our respective needs are met in a marital situation.

Men, generally, are visual. But, tastes vary a lot. So don't let that get anyone down. I think I'm below average, yet over the past several years I've two very sexy women take a very... physical interest in me, much to my surprise.

Don't let it get to you. You got something to offer or else you wouldn't have attracted your hubby

Well, this is a pretty weird post...

From what I can see, she is saying that she doesn't take looks into account when selecting a relationship.

Why is this so concerning for you and why do you think this is getting her down?

If you are as unattractive as you say then you should be glad that there are women like her out there that are willing to give an unattractive man a chance.

As for me, physical looks are not my main priority in a relationship, but I do have to be somewhat attracted to a guy in some way before I even consider dating them.

 

[Lynx]

As for me, physical looks are not my main priority in a relationship, but I do have to be somewhat attracted to a guy in some way before I even consider dating them.

Ah the subtle difference between main priorities and first priorities.

 

[1ofthem]

Ah the subtle difference between main priorities and first priorities.

In all honesty, personality has a lot to do with it. I have known and dated guys who at first I thought were so attractive and then I got to know them better and their looks even seemed to change. I didn't find them that attractive any longer. Their attitude actually made them ugly and completely unattractive to me.

Then again, I have met guys who weren't very physically attractive but had a good personality and after getting to know them better their looks seemed to change too. I found them much more attractive.

 

[Deus_Vult]

Looks count... I won't date and marry an ugly feminist... All their life is ugliness, and God is beauty.

 

[Deus_Vult]

Christians are supposed to look at the heart and not judge by external appearances.

If you dress dirty, your house look nasty, and you have a shirt with a marihuana logo, we should accept you? No, a real christian should not accept that because appereance is the reflection of the soul. God represents BEAUTY and ORDER.

In the same way abstract "art", rap or any modern music is degenerated and ugly, ugliness and equality comes from satan, beauty comes from God. But in these times nobody can see the difference anymore between the ugly and the beauty, or the good and the evil, it was prophetized in the Bible.

 

[seoulsearch]

The general idea of this thread is that looks do indeed influence how Christians react to others and make their choices.

And if looks are lost, choices are sometimes made in search of better looks.

Even in non-dating situations, Christians are still susceptible to what their eyes see. Even if it's not in a dating situation, I don't think anyone can say they haven't shown someone favor because of how they perceived someone else's looks. For example, supporting someone who "looks" like they fit the bill or position but the other candidate does not; favoring customers, co-workers, or anyone in general because of the way they look to you; fawning over certain family members because they were better-looking or "looked like" certain members of the family, etc.

I saw the first part of the discussion as being, "Yes. All people, Christian or not, are somehow affected by looks (taking into account that looks are also extremely subjective and definitely in the eye of the beholder.)"

To me, the second part of the discussion then becomes, "God tells us that He looks at the heart. How can we, as His people, choose to do what He wills for us to do, even if the person we marry loses their physical appeal to us, and God tells us to stay with them no matter what?"

This is the part I find interesting, especially in today's culture.

If even Christians are saying that you absolutely must have some sort of physical attraction:

1. Can other couples teach us what it is that keeps you attracted to each other, even after 50 extra pounds, losing your hair, and sexual dysfunction or inability?

What would you say to those who are marrying someone they find fantastically beautiful because they believe and have been told by Christian educators that this is vital to a marriage?

2. What I'm basically asking is: How can we, as God's people, train ourselves to actually act like God's people and not base things on looks like the rest of the world? And the example I'm using here in general is choosing to stay with spouse even if one no longer finds them physically attractive or desirable, when even Christian leaders are trying to say that looks are essential?

 

[TheIndianGirl]

Men, generally, are visual.

I've found that men are visual yes but they also want the whole package (looks, personality, family approval, someone without too much "baggage", increasingly money or earning potential (for husbands who seek a working wife), etc.)

Many men would marry a Melanie who is more plain looking (Gone with the Wind). In many famous English novels, the protagonist isn't too pretty but men still desired them for other reasons such as intelligence (Jo from Little Women, Jane Eyre (plain Jane), Elizabeth from Pride and Prejudice, etc.).

 

[Lynx]

If you dress dirty, your house look nasty, and you have a shirt with a marihuana logo, we should accept you? No, a real christian should not accept that because appereance is the reflection of the soul. God represents BEAUTY and ORDER.

In the same way abstract "art", rap or any modern music is degenerated and ugly, ugliness and equality comes from satan, beauty comes from God. But in these times nobody can see the difference anymore between the ugly and the beauty, or the good and the evil, it was prophetized in the Bible.

I can overlook lumping rap and ALL modern music in with other things you disparage as "not real art." I can overlook equating beauty with Godliness.

But I cannot overlook "prophetized." If my language-nerd mother were dead she would be rolling in her grave. Prophetized? Really?

 

[Kacey]

Well, this is a pretty weird post...

From what I can see, she is saying that she doesn't take looks into account when selecting a relationship.

Why is this so concerning for you and why do you think this is getting her down?

If you are as unattractive as you say then you should be glad that there are women like her out there that are willing to give an unattractive man a chance.

As for me, physical looks are not my main priority in a relationship, but I do have to be somewhat attracted to a guy in some way before I even consider dating them.

I admit, I am evidently weird 😆

 

[1ofthem]

I admit, I am evidently weird 😆

LOL...but no, you are definitely not the weird one.

You have a good and godly attitude toward relationships.

I thought your posts were being misconstrued...Who knows though maybe I'm just taking them wrong. Maybe I'm the weird one