I dreamed, a world.........Did God say that or me? :
Not at all.
I dreamed of peace in my heart and in my home, a grateful mother and that God would rid the evil thoughts in my parents hearts, I hoped and dreamed that I would be strong, and that if I was being made or forced to be weak, that as least others who are strong and act like bullies would have the decency to leave me alone.
I dreamed of being beautiful and accepted.
I dreamed of being free and allowed to take care of my physical health without fear of when I walk outside being made fun of, or my overweight mother and other family members telling me I have no right to work, and train my body to be skinny, fit, and healthy, as any normal human being would suggest.
I dreamed of freedom and respect for the dignity of my life, and yet, my very own mother who carried me in her womb, speaks out of her mouth, words of hatred, harm, abuse, and death, rather than life-giving words.
I dreamed of being able and strong enough to be positive, learn Christ, and break these patterns of abuse, and negativity, and meaningless human bickering and fighting that has existed in this family.
I dreamed of marrying and being able to change my last name, because it has never suited me, and I have never been a part of this family, yet the family deceives and convinces themselves that I am part of them. Who the hell, in their right mind would want to be part of this family, when there are no encouraging words, good life goals, like careers, compassion, faithfulness in marriage, approval of divorce and child abuse.
I dreamed of someone in the world, having compassion on me, and knowing I want a life, 360 degrees different from this, and I will make it happen, even if I go to an early grave making it happen.
We have one and only life, I must be in the wrong town, for good and godly goals and families. I have never wanted to be a Jenkins, I have never loved my mother, I have lived pretending to like her for her own sake, meanwhile she is the most irritating, abusive, annoying, worrisome, bothersome woman I know on this earth, who I would be less stressed, and better able to live the life that others are forcing me to, despite that I am a 32 year old adult, capable of my own decisions, wanting goodness, of which I have found none here. Therefore, they are attempting to manipulate God and over-ride free will. Of which I see God has attempted to stop this in me, so I dreamed it would be stopped in them too.
I dreamed normalcy, and safety in my life, despite that others don't want to live that way.
I dreamed being apprecaited and given to, rather than always being the giver, and tiring myself out, and then I am hurt and abused, healing others, but myself wearing thin, because no one heals or mends my abuse and heart.
So, is this God? No, because God does not lay burdens on us too heavy to bear. This is from the devil. Of which seems to be the only thing that exists where I live.
I dream of getting a decent job, being alone for some time, to gather the pieces of my heart and my life, and then inviting a decent human being into my life to share this life.
Is that a good dream?
I think of Martin Luther King Jr. How much time do we waste on human arguments, that have existed since the dawn of creation, but instead we just repeat them over and over, we are all STUPID. I don't understand, I am 32, I dream I have more to learn, and should be a little more needy, I dream that a unruly, hoggy girl I went to high school with would be convicted by the Holy Spirit that she is ruining my life, for the sake of her own snottiness, and attitude, and thinking her life means more than anyone else's.
I dream, of a man not scaring me to living daylights, and that I would be able to fulfill God given purposes in life, like love, marriage, and bearing a child, having a home. But all the men I know, are in essence murderers, living for only to say mean things, use physical violence, not understand the delicateness and softer nature of a female, a girl, a woman, does the word really matter, you know what I mean.
I dreamed that Christians would be christians, that my faith would sustain me throughout life as I learned the bible says, and that destroyers of faith would stay away from me, because I stay away from them, and have no friends for a reason.
I dreamed that men, boys would grow up, and learn to not be a tempter, that a woman needs his strength and leaderhship, that it is not all about sex.
I dreamed that my family would learn that I am not a little girl anymore.
I dreamed that doctors would sustain life, instead of showing me that they murder, kill, make mistakes, over-ride free will and decision making.
Thank you greatly for letting me share. I hope my heart is heard, felt, and understood. And maybe God will do something in my life. Maybe I will find a job soon, in all my hardwork and be able to get away from, slavery and craziness, insane ways of living in country, redneck, town of Pasadena, MD.
God Bless you for being filled with curiousity, smartness, intuition, and knowledge to be able to ask this question and have hearts and minds who want to respond and be listened to.
