I really need some advice, please

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skater_20

Guest
#1
#1
Hey, there has been something that has been bothering me for a while now and I was hoping that someone might have some advice for me. I have known a Christian girl for the past few months and have gotten to know her really well. We get along really well and I quite like her, however I do know that she did have sexual relationships with men before she came to know Christ. I understand that Christ has forgiven her of those sins and set her free, but it bothers me deeply and makes me physically sick to know about her past. I pray about this daily but these feelings never seem to go away. I have always planned to save myself until marriage and am still a virgin (nor have I ever dated someone for that matter), however I do know all too well that I too am a sinner and no different from her, but I have never even considered before marrying someone who wasn't a virgin also. I know that dating is the lead up to marriage and I would never ask her out if I hadn't already overcome this. I know that if I was to marry someone who wasn't a virgin that I could and would have to forgive them but I have always looked forward to sharing that first physical moment (with the blood shed and all that (not to sound disgusting)) together with my wife (if God has planned for me to marry) and it would bother me deeply to know that she would always have those memories of the other guy and I guess I have that fear that it wouldn't be as special nor would I be as special to her as it would be and she would be to me.


I know that probably all sounds like a stupid thing to worry about, but if anyone has any words of advice it would really be greatly appreciated.
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#2
Aug 2, 2009
24,653
4,316
113
#2
If this bothers you so much then I don't think you are ready for a relationship. Its not about whether the person you love is "perfect for you", its about finding someone you want to share your life with. Someone you can't live without. Someone you can't get enough of. Someone you CHERISH. Not someone you like who might or might not meet some checklist of qualifications.
 
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Cabbage

Guest
#3
#3
Don't get caught up in the little things. if you don't forgive her, the relationship will never work. One day, she probably decided to stay pure until marriage, but sometimes you mess up and sometimes you mess up things like marriage. At the moment, you don't realize how much these willafffect you. I wanted to save myself until marriage and be pure, but I was sexually abused, so that didn't happen. It didn't workout the way I wanted to. If you don't forgive this girl, you may be unhappy the rest of yourlife. She may be the one for you. Who knows? So learn to love her for who she is. God said to love her like Christ loves the church. Christ died for His church. We mess up all the time, but He still forgave us and gave us another chance. It will still be special after yall are married, the most special.Most women, outside of marriage, are just led into sex and it isn't anything they wanted to do in the first place. So,I promise you, in marriage, it will be very special to her. Hope this helps. God bless you!
 
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Rissa77

Guest
#4
#4
I know what you mean. I always wanted to marry a virgin because I am. I was considering dating one guy that wasn't a virgin, but the thought wouldn't leave my mind. I ended up not dating him because God said no. Since then, I've had a lot of time to devote to God in my singleness and in the process, without me knowing it, He changed my heart. I realized my "standard" was a selfish desire. I realized that the heart was all that matters. God heals. He can give a purity of heart and mind to those that have made mistakes. And we all have, whether in the physical or in the heart. Both lustful sins taint the mind just as powerfully. If God can give me a pure mind after I've lusted in my heart, then God can do the same who's had sexual relations.

Now, I'm in a no-touch relationship with a wonderful man who's made some mistakes before, but his heart is beautiful and pure. God has done a full healing in him. And when I told him how God changed my heart - that the heart was all that matters to me - I was delightfully surprised that I meant what I said. I wanted to believe it, but I didn't fully realize I really meant it until I said it.

I have to agree with Zero on this one. You may not be ready. I'm not saying the thought shouldn't cross your mind or mildly bother you, but it shouldn't bother you this much.
 
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Aqua_Girl09

Guest
#5
#5
If you can't get over her past relations then its a bad idea to think about going further with this girl.

Something like that is hard to over look and even if she NEVER cheated on you it can and will TOTALLY ruin a relationship if its a stepping stone you can't over come.

ask God to put a peace in ur heart about it and be sure you're ok with it or you might find someone else whos better suited to you.

just make sure you're asking God and not going back to your "checklist"
 
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Jewliahr

Guest
#6
#6
What if she is who God picked out for you? She may not be, but if she is then you will need to pray hard and lean how to deal with it. I wouldn't worry about it for now. Just keep your focus on God's word. God will show you what he wants in his timing (which in my experience is always in the nick of time, or last minute)
 
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persecuted

Banned
#7
Jun 15, 2011
308
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#7
I think you should remember there are many fish in the sea and bail out. I've gone through your situation before and hung in too long with the misguided belief that I was a bad christian for not accepting her very extensive past. Remember, your purpose to dating is not to redeem someone (that is for Jesus) it is for you to find a partner that makes you happy and feeling more fulfilled. If you are already so upset by things and the situation is making you physically ill, this cannot be a good thing. If you are seriously in love with this girl, well it is all very tough and you'll have to deal with that, if not, don't let yourself get fooled into thinking that you have some moral obligation to her. You break up and she'll eventually find someone else and so will you.
 
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skater_20

Guest
#8
#8
Thank you all for your responses, they really did help greatly! Although Persecuted, your response did kind of leave me more confused.
 
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persecuted

Banned
#9
Jun 15, 2011
308
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#9
skater_20 said:
Thank you all for your responses, they really did help greatly! Although Persecuted, your response did kind of leave me more confused.
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Yeah, I suppose I could see that. Guess the thing is is my life experiences tend to have me going in the exact opposite direction of everyone else. I went through something so similar (at least with what's written here) when I was 17. Classic over sheltered, shy, non-drinking, non-smoking, had never dated,never touched drugs, goody two shoes virgin boy meets girl pretty much the opposite on all fronts. Caused a real dilemma and had the belief that this girl coming into my life must have been done by God and if I were to reject her, this would be the sin. Looking back, since she broke my heart and caused years of pain, I wish I had accepted that she was just one of many millions of women out there and deserved no moral obligation to accept her. Back then I was so isolated so when this one girl came along it seemed to mean there must be some grand meaning to her. Nowadays I meet and talk to all sorts of women all the time and could never again believe that one in particular was worthy of having me drop all of my standards for her or was this special God chosen partner for me.
 
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NodMyHeadLikeYeah

Guest
#10
#10
Personally i have always wanted to marry someone that didnt like big chunks of tomatos in their food.

I hope this answers your question
 
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REDMama

Guest
#11
#11
well, why do you love her, what is beauty in her? Is is just her vagina and that it has seen another man's baby makin anatomy or do you want to be with her because of her other beauty, her mind, her heart, she is talented, a hard worker, has a good spirit, a bright future, sees your vision for your life, and fits with it. You can see yourself sharing a lifetime, with happiness with her, because happiness is not all about her vagina. As long as she is disease free, you'll have a good relationship, maybe difficult right now, but it will be good. Just don't let others negativity or the devil mess with your strength as a man in loving her, and your thoughts and feelings.

If you do decide to marry, you'll find a way to make it work, and sometimes time does heal wounds, although it doesn't always. But once you decide to marry, that bond should, and speak positively for you that the bond will be stronger than the doubts you are having now.

God Bless with the view and mind of the Lord.
 
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Epi

Guest
#12
#12
Always remember all that God has forgiven you the scriptures says it is separated from us as far as east is from west.To my opinion your friends past should not be an issue if you truly love her.Love conquers all.
 
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rainacorn

Guest
#13
#13
I had sex with others when I was away from God.

I am now married. He was a virgin.

He could probably give you better advice than I could on how to get over something like that, but to be honest, we never really talked about it. He knew there were dark things in my past and he didn't care....didn't want to hear about it. He doesn't even want me mentioning a past boyfriend or relationship or experience that involves things I should be ashamed of. I'm so thankful for him having that attitude. His strength (and refusal to talk about it) made it much easier to accept forgiveness for all of it and move forward in Christ. He trusted in the Lord to heal me and bless our relationship.

If some of your hesitation is a secret insecurity that she will measure you up against other men, I can tell you from experience that it's simply different when the relationship is sanctioned by the Lord. You are both made perfect in that moment and it's unlike anything else. Married sex is just better. Way better. It's worth waiting for.
 
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Jullianna

Guest
#14
#14
NodMyHeadLikeYeah said:
Personally i have always wanted to marry someone that didnt like big chunks of tomatos in their food.

I hope this answers your question
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I'm with you on this. Big nasty hunks of cooked tomato...blech...
 
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Jullianna

Guest
#15
#15
skater, if you can't accept it, you can't accept it. And if you can't, please don't enter into a relationship with this young lady and hurt her because of it. It probably bothers her enough already even though she knows the Lord has forgiven her. satan has a way of using our past to beat us up. Please don't add to that for her.

If you get to the point where you feel you are mature enough to deal with the situation and can get past it, that's great. If not, please don't hurt her. She's a new creation in Christ you know. As are the rest of us.
 
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persecuted

Banned
#16
Jun 15, 2011
308
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#16
Okay, I understand that these aren't going to be popular questions... what I don't understand is, fine, people are saying that they have these pasts because they weren't christians and then later in life they came to Jesus and changed their ways. Well why is it with all of the girls raised in churches who presumably have always walked with Christ its so hard to find a virgin girl by age 18? What is their excuse exactly? And why is there this insistance on placing a double burden on people who save themselves for marriage? If someone saves themselves for marriage and feels that coming across a partner that hasn't jeopardizes their personal purity, I say that is completely their right justified by the bible. Like I think there is something manipulative to try to say that the chaste person is actually the sinner because they are not being instantly forgiving of past indiscretions. Next, I am wondering what this big repentance is in some cases. I notice many suggest the past is the past and that is that. Was there some process involved to make up for the past? Like perhaps encouraging young virginal people to stay that way until marriage rather than going around with as liberal of values telling them all they will be forgive of all of their sexual sins and anyone that dares judge them is the actual sinner??? Gotta say, I think icons like Lady Gaga are LESS of a negative moral influence on young people than those claiming a religious position yet very eager to let it all slide.
 
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Jullianna

Guest
#17
#17
I think it's awesome to resist sexual sin, please don't misunderstand. :) I was a virgin when I married, but not everyone is and it's not an unpardonable sin. I just don't think anyone's sins of the past should be used as a weapon against them since God has taken them as far as the East is from the West, and doesn't use the same to beat us up...but satan does. I don't think we should allow ourselves to be used like that. I would imagine that even those who are virgins have sins that they wouldn't like to be slapped in the face with everyday for the rest of their lives, don't you?

To me, that would be like me, as a widow, saying that every divorced person is off limits for me. Divorce is awful too, but it's not unpardonable and not everyone is divorced by choice, it was forced upon some folks who are very brokenhearted about it.

I'm just saying that we need hearts of compassion, not judgment....unless we want to be judged in kind.
 
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persecuted

Banned
#18
Jun 15, 2011
308
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#18
Jullianna said:
I think it's awesome to resist sexual sin, please don't misunderstand. :) I was a virgin when I married, but not everyone is and it's not an unpardonable sin. I just don't think anyone's sins of the past should be used as a weapon against them since God has taken them as far as the East is from the West, and doesn't use the same to beat us up...but satan does. I don't think we should allow ourselves to be used like that. I would imagine that even those who are virgins have sins that they wouldn't like to be slapped in the face with everyday for the rest of their lives, don't you?

To me, that would be like me, as a widow, saying that every divorced person is off limits for me. Divorce is awful too, but it's not unpardonable and not everyone is divorced by choice, it was forced upon some folks who are very brokenhearted about it.

I'm just saying that we need hearts of compassion, not judgment....unless we want to be judged in kind.
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I guess where we disagree is to me deciding not to date someone is inconsequential. I didn't say to literally cast a stone, make her wear a scarlet letter, or tell the whole world she's a "slut" or even that one CAN'T date someone in this situation. I merely suggest that if one has reservations that is completely their right and they should not be painted as a "judgmental sinner" for making such a decision. As the original person posting this hasn't been back for awhile the discussion has become SOMEWHAT hypothetical. For his case, the only reason I went one step further and said he should in fact bail was because he said it was so bad he was feeling physically sick. If that's the case and its so important to someone, then they should find a partner more right for them. Someone else on here dislikes men who eat chunks of tomatoes. Fine, since she is apparently so disgusted by chunky tomato eaters, I would definitley not get in the way of her finding someone more diced tomato or tomato free. And while her tomato gulping man may be hurt initially, I'm sure in the long wrong he'll find someone else and be happy with one of the plenty of women into tomato gulping.

As mentioned though, I really think it is wrong to try to suggest that someone is morally obligated to date someone. Lots of people out there, one should NEVER date out of pity... or half baked principles which amount to the same. Clearly I have more sympathy for the virgin facing this dilemma than for people with sexual history expecting a free pass everywhere in life because from society virgins get more criticism than people with a past so getting the occasional dumping from someone who kept themself chaste isn't high on my moral outrage list. Also seems to me that bibilically, someone saving themselves for marriage HAS the right to "judge" in this way. They kept the standard and they expect their partner to have done so as well. Nothing hypocritical in that!
 
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Jullianna

Guest
#19
#19
Actually, I don't really see that we have a disagreement. Each of us can date whomever we like. I'm NOT saying that virgins are morally obligated to date non-virgins. All I'm saying is that we need to be careful and not beat folks over the head with past sins, as we ourselves have them.

Case in point: A lot of the same guys/gals we see stating that they have issues with porn addiction, masterbation, etc. are the often the same who comment in a negative, and often hurtful manner (not in this particular thread thank goodness...) against those who are non-virgins. Sexual sin is sexual sin.

My concern, as I have worked with teens in the past, is that many young non-virgins read stuff like this and think..okay..I'm trash and no decent christian is ever going to want to be with me, so they give up and return to the sins of their past..meaning that posts like this can cause some of our siblings in Christ to stumble. I'm just trying to give a different perspective on the issue so that they understand that's not the case. Nothing more. :)

It's nuffin personal. ;)
 
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persecuted

Banned
#20
Jun 15, 2011
308
0
0
#20
Jullianna said:
Actually, I don't really see that we have a disagreement. Each of us can date whomever we like. I'm NOT saying that virgins are morally obligated to date non-virgins. All I'm saying is that we need to be careful and not beat folks over the head with past sins, as we ourselves have them.

Case in point: A lot of the same guys/gals we see stating that they have issues with porn addiction, masterbation, etc. are the often the same who comment in a negative, and often hurtful manner (not in this particular thread thank goodness...) against those who are non-virgins. Sexual sin is sexual sin.

My concern, as I have worked with teens in the past, is that many young non-virgins read stuff like this and think..okay..I'm trash and no decent christian is ever going to want to be with me, so they give up and return to the sins of their past..meaning that posts like this can cause some of our siblings in Christ to stumble. I'm just trying to give a different perspective on the issue so that they understand that's not the case. Nothing more. :)

It's nuffin personal. ;)
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I disagree that we agree. See, you have your concern with teens, I have the other one... after having to hide in shame from secular school mates bragging about their sexual exploits, they come in contact with their hypocritical forgive this but not that church leaders telling them when it comes right down to it that being moral is little more than a patsy game. Yes, you were supposed to save yourself for marriage and now the reward? You gotta marry one of those losers that was off having a good time and taunting you before the church declared that (while giving no actual penance) they are completely forgiven and purified and are every bit as virginal as the actual virgins. To be honest, if some 14 year old came to me today asking about abstinence, I'd have to say that given all the adversity you'll face and how in the end your church will basically just make a mockery out of you anyhow by telling you that the non-virgins are also virgins you should probably just go and have sex early and often and wait for the preacher to say "hey! you're forgiven!' Because you really will avoid a whole lot of hassles throughout your life in our present culture. (Unless of course you get a venereal disease, or pregant, or God turns out not to be as liberal on this as present christians claim he is.)
 
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