Frustrated

[Buckle]

I need to vent...to open up...yes I know this isn't really the same as talking to someone, but since I don't have that type of person in my life...

A few moments ago, a prime example of my frustration, or why I am frustrated took place. I bought a cover for my wife's car windshield and she asked me to explain how it worked. I started my explanation and she was looking at what I was doing and then a minute in she takes her earphones out and says, "Wait what is that part for?" She had been listening to something instead of actually listening while I explain the thing she just asked me to. I feel like she has been becoming more obsessed all the time. She asks questions and then doesn't listen to you answer, if our son is needs something that in an inconvenience or annoyance to her she will refuse to do it. She has even sought out people who think a certain way to justify something she wants even though we both agreed we would not do that.

I don't know what to do, I can't talk to her about it because she is so stubborn, half the time she won't even agree with the facts at hand if they go against what she wants. At this point I have given in is things that make me hate myself, but to tell her so would destroy her. Anyways, I just had to put this out there somewhere.

 

[2ndTimothyGroup]

I'm about to turn 55 and so far, I'm batting zero success in every relationship I've ever had. Why? Well, we're dealing with the Sin Nature, for starters. And really, that's the best answer to offer when a person gets right down to the bottom of the funnel of it all. But also, I can say that this is what is to be expected in any relationship where you have a person that doesn't feel the same way about you as you feel about them. Whenever that happens, there's guaranteed to be friction.

Also, if person A is highly Empathic, in other words, very loving and caring, and they're in relationship with another who doesn't share that same level of Empathy . . . it's gonna suck! I've been an Empathic man all my life, caring and loving about others that virtually no one can relate to. It is both a Blessing and a Curse. I love the fact that I Love. But, it is also a Curse because I am surrounded by people who do not share that same level of Love. In fact, I'd say my family and former friends had virtually none of it to offer, and they're . . . gulp . . . christians.

You have one choice, as far as I can see. You have to learn to care less. I know! It's like asking a rock to learn and speak Spanish in a hour, but you have to do it. You can still Love your wife, but you must learn to care less than you currently do. What I am asking you to do seems nearly impossible . . . believe me, I get it. But here is your task:

Learn how NOT to be offended. It will take daily focus on this concept. You have to practice. You have to think about those six words throughout the day. You have to do it. If you don't learn how NOT to be offended, you're going to cause yourself harm in various ways. Stomach ulcers up to and including suicide. I'm not kidding.

So, spend your time figuring out how you're not going to be offended ever again. It might take a year. It might take five years, but you have to do it. I believe in you!

 

[3angelsmsg]

Hello @Buckle. The way I see this as a opportunity for you to grow spiritually. I understand it feels unfair and you are frustrated at your wife for doing certain things and/or for not doing other things. What happens alot in relationships is that everyone goes into marriage with expectations of their spouse to receive. We are born with a wrong perspective/fallen nature. As result of our fallen nature, we go into relationship to receive from the other person. And once we don't receive from that person what we think we deserve become unhappy. Yet, the truth is that if we give without an expectation to receive we will be happier human beings. The secret is to understand the gain is to give. But if we look to nature, we see that everything in nature does nothing for itself. And this principle we learn from the moral law. And the second principle we also learn from nature that everything has to take in order to give. This means there is source from where you need to take from. At the moment your happiness is linked to the actions of your wife. However you happiness should be linked to your relationship with God. You need to take love, security, justice from the true source which is God and that you share with the person in your family. How will this principle actually work. I will give you an example of how the law of nature works. If you plant a seed. The seed obviously goes into the ground. The seed then takes from all its surroundings - nutritions from the ground, water, sunlight and whatever it needs. The seed then grows up to plant and the plant inturn will bring forth fruit. And any person can take of the fruit. The fruit tree then doesn't decide who can eat of its fruit. The tree just bring forth the fruit. And the next question would be for whom does the tree bring forth the fruit for itself? From that example we see that nothing lives for itself. And also you should not live for yourself. And you should also understand even the love you give to your wife. It does not come from you. But everything you own comes from God. We own nothing. And if people even insult you. They are not insulting you. Their are insulting God. So please try not to get upset with your wife. Because she is not aware that she is living very selfishly. We are born blind. It is these types of crisis in our life that opens our eyes to see that something still inside of us is not right yet. As I always say the change must happen in our hearts. Our old nature must be destroyed.

 

[Starsdance]

What I want to say at this time is that her behavior hurts your feelings, I feel you are very sad, and I am sorry,bro.Is your wife a Christian? Has she always been this way? I've seen testimonies like yours, where the husband was wronged, but the wife repented at last. Pray for her and tell God your troubles, and I pray for you ,God bless!

 

[HisWaysAreHigher]

Hello @Buckle. The way I see this as a opportunity for you to grow spiritually. I understand it feels unfair and you are frustrated at your wife for doing certain things and/or for not doing other things. What happens alot in relationships is that everyone goes into marriage with expectations of their spouse to receive. We are born with a wrong perspective/fallen nature. As result of our fallen nature, we go into relationship to receive from the other person. And once we don't receive from that person what we think we deserve become unhappy. Yet, the truth is that if we give without an expectation to receive we will be happier human beings. The secret is to understand the gain is to give. But if we look to nature, we see that everything in nature does nothing for itself. And this principle we learn from the moral law. And the second principle we also learn from nature that everything has to take in order to give. This means there is source from where you need to take from. At the moment your happiness is linked to the actions of your wife. However you happiness should be linked to your relationship with God. You need to take love, security, justice from the true source which is God and that you share with the person in your family. How will this principle actually work. I will give you an example of how the law of nature works. If you plant a seed. The seed obviously goes into the ground. The seed then takes from all its surroundings - nutritions from the ground, water, sunlight and whatever it needs. The seed then grows up to plant and the plant inturn will bring forth fruit. And any person can take of the fruit. The fruit tree then doesn't decide who can eat of its fruit. The tree just bring forth the fruit. And the next question would be for whom does the tree bring forth the fruit for itself? From that example we see that nothing lives for itself. And also you should not live for yourself. And you should also understand even the love you give to your wife. It does not come from you. But everything you own comes from God. We own nothing. And if people even insult you. They are not insulting you. Their are insulting God. So please try not to get upset with your wife. Because she is not aware that she is living very selfishly. We are born blind. It is these types of crisis in our life that opens our eyes to see that something still inside of us is not right yet. As I always say the change must happen in our hearts. Our old nature must be destroyed.

@3angelsmsg I am in similar but different situation and found your insights helpful. My situation is slightly different in that my wife, as a born again Christian, neglects the children, and even teaches our children that lying and deceit are acceptable behaviors to manipulate and take advantage of others. Despite my challenges, she is so manipulative that it confuses the kids and takes me hours of discussion to undo. I believe she has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), every attempt at counseling just resulted in her lying and manipulating counselors against me with false accusations and crying. What counselor is going to challenge a crying woman? One time the counselor set some communication rules, within minutes she violated his rules so deceptively and manipulated counselor against me that he didn’t even realize she was breaking his rules, after he started giving me dirty looks from the misinformation she was giving him, I raised my hand and asked him why he was allowing her to violate his communication rules! He looked stunned like a deer in headlights completely unaware of her manipulation, then acknowledged his error, then asked my wife to comply, She did it again and I finally had to point out that I don’t think we will be able to make any progress, even though he was highly experienced counselor, he was no match for my wife. This same pattern repeatedly itself with 13 counselors. The hardest part is seeing how it tears up my kids. They are strong and after 23 years of hell, my kids are now able to see through her manipulation and deception. My kids are now 21, 18, 15. My 18 year suffered the most due to his sensitive heart. It is a heartbreaking situation. I have always been healthy person but just found out last month that I now have elevated blood pressure from 23 years of stress and hell of trying to protect my kids from all of her deception. I have something called complex ptsd from the ongoing sustained stress of it all. I worry what will happen to my 15 year old if my health fails, who will standup for him? Living with a pathological liar and raising 3 kids is like a living hell I would never wish on my worst enemy. I forgive her, she is very broken, but I don’t trust her and I know no human can heal her, only God can help her. I don’t believe God will override her free will choice to continue her deceptive life style which benefits only her at our expense. But I wish God would at least try to influence her more, I see no evidence of Him doing so. I would have left but know in my heart that that she would have manipulated the authorities against me and I would have lost all ability to influence and protect my kids because she is ruthless as Jezebel. So I only have 2 more years of hell before my youngest reaches 18. Do you have any perspective why God would not offer more help? I am not asking for much, just a little support to help my wife see the destruction of her deceptions and irresponsibility, just a little to give us some hope is all we ask for. I would appreciate any insights you may have. Sincerely, HisWaysAreHigher

 

[Oblio]

@3angelsmsg I am in similar but different situation and found your insights helpful. My situation is slightly different in that my wife, as a born again Christian, neglects the children, and even teaches our children that lying and deceit are acceptable behaviors to manipulate and take advantage of others. Despite my challenges, she is so manipulative that it confuses the kids and takes me hours of discussion to undo. I believe she has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), every attempt at counseling just resulted in her lying and manipulating counselors against me with false accusations and crying. What counselor is going to challenge a crying woman? One time the counselor set some communication rules, within minutes she violated his rules so deceptively and manipulated counselor against me that he didn’t even realize she was breaking his rules, after he started giving me dirty looks from the misinformation she was giving him, I raised my hand and asked him why he was allowing her to violate his communication rules! He looked stunned like a deer in headlights completely unaware of her manipulation, then acknowledged his error, then asked my wife to comply, She did it again and I finally had to point out that I don’t think we will be able to make any progress, even though he was highly experienced counselor, he was no match for my wife. This same pattern repeatedly itself with 13 counselors. The hardest part is seeing how it tears up my kids. They are strong and after 23 years of hell, my kids are now able to see through her manipulation and deception. My kids are now 21, 18, 15. My 18 year suffered the most due to his sensitive heart. It is a heartbreaking situation. I have always been healthy person but just found out last month that I now have elevated blood pressure from 23 years of stress and hell of trying to protect my kids from all of her deception. I have something called complex ptsd from the ongoing sustained stress of it all. I worry what will happen to my 15 year old if my health fails, who will standup for him? Living with a pathological liar and raising 3 kids is like a living hell I would never wish on my worst enemy. I forgive her, she is very broken, but I don’t trust her and I know no human can heal her, only God can help her. I don’t believe God will override her free will choice to continue her deceptive life style which benefits only her at our expense. But I wish God would at least try to influence her more, I see no evidence of Him doing so. I would have left but know in my heart that that she would have manipulated the authorities against me and I would have lost all ability to influence and protect my kids because she is ruthless as Jezebel. So I only have 2 more years of hell before my youngest reaches 18. Do you have any perspective why God would not offer more help? I am not asking for much, just a little support to help my wife see the destruction of her deceptions and irresponsibility, just a little to give us some hope is all we ask for. I would appreciate any insights you may have. Sincerely, HisWaysAreHigher

I think all I can say is that I understand what you're going through. Hang in there, man, the Lord is faithful! Jezebel is a nasty spirit.

 

[HisWaysAreHigher]

I think all I can say is that I understand what you're going through. Hang in there, man, the Lord is faithful! Jezebel is a nasty spirit.

@Oblio Thank you, it does help to know someone can relate and understand. The Lord is starting to bring more men into my life in similar situations, unfortunately so far they don’t tend to end well (divorce). I never believed in divorce except for infidelity, but maybe this is to teach I am wrong? (She hasn’t been unfaithful as far as I know and despite her shortcomings never seemed to be an issue, there have been times I wished she would have cheated so I would have a legitimate reason to end it) I do believe the Lord is faithful and works all things together for good, and will eventually make things better, but also admit I am weary and close to burn out due to declining health.

 

[Oblio]

@Oblio Thank you, it does help to know someone can relate and understand. The Lord is starting to bring more men into my life in similar situations, unfortunately so far they don’t tend to end well (divorce). I never believed in divorce except for infidelity, but maybe this is to teach I am wrong? (She hasn’t been unfaithful as far as I know and despite her shortcomings never seemed to be an issue, there have been times I wished she would have cheated so I would have a legitimate reason to end it) I do believe the Lord is faithful and works all things together for good, and will eventually make things better, but also admit I am weary and close to burn out due to declining health.

You love the Lord, you love your wife, you love your kids. The best advice I can give is to keep the Lord first and be led by Him. And don't be too hard on yourself. Forgive, bless, love...even when it hurts!

 

[3angelsmsg]

Hello @HisWaysAreHigher it is heart-breaking to hear your story and the many painful experiences you had to go through. There is not much we can do to change your wife and you said so yourself. Your wife is being manipulative right. I get the idea that she cannot help herself or stop herself from acting the way she does. She is lacking knowledge about herself and her true nature. If we are in the wrong identity we think we are someone which we are not. She may be seeing nothing wrong in her behaviour. Does she ever say sorry or apologise? I would think that you need to take a break from her and that might not be easy thing to do. Sometimes we need to draw a line in the sand. I don't mean divorcing but maybe separating for month or so. Your wife should also understand that what she is doing is wrong. And how will she learn that you cannot be her punch bag forever. Or what other scenario can you think of that could be used to make her to think really hard? She needs to experience pain too and maybe through the experience of separating her eyes might be opened. Sometimes you cannot continue and let the other partner just go on. There is no easy solution. My advice to you would be to pray for God to pour love, justice, forgiveness in your heart. And in your case I guess it is that you have the need of harmony and justice. And those needs you will find only with your connection with God. Take those spiritual needs from Him. He will give you the strength to go through the temptations.

 

[2ndTimothyGroup]

Unfortunately, Buckle isn't participating in his/her thread.

 

[Starsdance]

Are you feeling better now?And how about your wife,bro?

 

[HisWaysAreHigher]

@3angelsmsg I appreciate your reply and found it both helpful and encouraging. In response to your question, she never apologizes with sincerity but rather to further manipulate. For example, if you challenge her, she turns on the charm and feigns an apology by saying “I’m sorry” but 1 minute later is lying again. After years of being tricked by her charm and feigned apology, I now ask her, “what are sorry for? getting caught?” Of course, she then says “no, of course not” and then quickly moves to another topic to avoid taking responsibility. In other words, she gaslights you by making you doubt what you know to be true and moves on. This tore me up for years before I wised up because I gave her benefit of doubt. It got so bad, I am not making this up, that after 12 years my vision became impaired from the cognitive dissonance I was in, I did not want and could not bring myself to believe that she could be so cruel to manipulate me so believed her at face value while I kept seeking what the real problem was. I cried out in agony to God and not long afterwards I came across a book that described our exact scenario which finally helped me to see the manipulation that I wasn’t allowing myself to believe. I just couldn’t bring myself to believe that a Christian woman could take pleasure in or at least ignore the severe pain she was causing. When I finally came to terms with it I got really angry but at that time didn’t understand forgiveness. Things only got better when we all learned to forgive except better is still the same hell of daily lies, manipulation, gaslighting, blame shifting, false accusations, and her charming “I’m sorry”. Then my question of what she is sorry for? And this repeats daily for nearly 23 years. Except I am in my 50s now and my body can no longer take the daily stress of it, but I cannot abandon my son, what kind of man would I be? Only a few more years but not sure how long my health is going to hold out. My line in the sand now, probably insufficient or wrong, is to call her out on every lie, every time. But she is stubborn and refuses to quit even though all 4 of us agree she is lying. She pretends she isn’t, and all 4 of us look at each other and just shake our heads in disbelief that anyone could be so self-deceived and manipulative. My kids are just as dumbfounded as I. BTW I found it very helpful that recognized my need for both harmony and justice, my kids need it to, and that can only be possible through connection with God. It is easy to get sucked into believing that maybe she will stop if we don’t abandon the fight for truth, but she doesn’t see the value in the change because we are shouldering most of the pain and suffering. She seems to believe her own lies that if we just let her lie and conform our sense of reality to her distorted one then everything would get better. But of course, we cannot agree that lying is acceptable behavior.

 

[Butterflyyy]

Hi Buckle
I’m wondering what your wife’s age is... hormones can have a huge impact on whether she can concentrate or not, stress can also do this. One thing I must say though, is that, her being like this is no good reason for you to sin. If you’re saying what I think you are, then your response could literally destroy the marriage. God tells husbands to lay their lives down for their wives in the same way that Christ did for the Church, giving Himself up for her. Being a husband is sacrifice. You need to know what the Lord is saying about this situation. Responding in your flesh is not an option. As a good soldier of Christ -and as the head of your family- go to your living Head and ask Him what He wants you to do in response. He may give you a revelation about the root of the problem, He may show you to prioritise time with her, listening, understanding her, communicating from your heart.
For better for worse are the vows right? Marriage isn’t easy but you have to love her selflessly. God is able to lead you through if you yield to Him.
Remember, you have an enemy roaming around who wants to destroy your Christian marriage which is meant to be an illustration of Christ and His Bride. God will be glorified if we do things His way, and it will be so worth it. The cost of not doing is extremely high, and painful; never worth it.

 

[Butterflyyy]

I need to vent...to open up...yes I know this isn't really the same as talking to someone, but since I don't have that type of person in my life...

A few moments ago, a prime example of my frustration, or why I am frustrated took place. I bought a cover for my wife's car windshield and she asked me to explain how it worked. I started my explanation and she was looking at what I was doing and then a minute in she takes her earphones out and says, "Wait what is that part for?" She had been listening to something instead of actually listening while I explain the thing she just asked me to. I feel like she has been becoming more obsessed all the time. She asks questions and then doesn't listen to you answer, if our son is needs something that in an inconvenience or annoyance to her she will refuse to do it. She has even sought out people who think a certain way to justify something she wants even though we both agreed we would not do that.

I don't know what to do, I can't talk to her about it because she is so stubborn, half the time she won't even agree with the facts at hand if they go against what she wants. At this point I have given in is things that make me hate myself, but to tell her so would destroy her. Anyways, I just had to put this out there somewhere.

Buckle, you must repent of the thing that is making you hate yourself. This is very likely an underlying reason for a lot of her behaviour. It’s a divided heart. If you are doing stuff that would destroy her then the truth is that there are spiritual things at work through you to destroy her; you are the one that must protect her not destroy. Don’t be tricked into despising your wife, she is your own flesh- you destroy her, you destroy yourself. Think of your son also.
Praying.

 

[Oblio]

Then there's Battered Spouse Syndrome.

 

[Butterflyyy]

Unfortunately, Buckle isn't participating in his/her thread.

Why not??

 

[Oblio]

Spousal Abuse Syndrome.

 

[Butterflyyy]

Then there's Battered Spouse Syndrome.

Buckle did not say he was battered??

 

[Butterflyyy]

Spousal Abuse Syndrome.

Husbands present your wives to yourselves without sin or spiritual defect... this takes a lot of time spent together... a lot of love, grace and understanding... I know a couple like this... they love the Lord and His Word. They are working it out together as ‘heirs of the grace of life together.” He studies the Word a lot... is very temperate and patient. They have been married many years.

 

[Oblio]

I corrected myself. Smh