Have your life experiences made you a cold person / afraid to love?

[Lynx]

There are pros and cons to being a recluse. On one hand, I'm sure it's nice to have friends and whatnot. On the other hand....no one can hurt you. Or think you're someone that you're not. And so on.

And being alone is
Is the best way
When I'm by myself
Nobody else can say
Goodbye

- Edie Brickell

 

[Lynx]

TOTALLY understandable. So in your case, it's a second hand hurting, I'd say. Double whammy. You haven't seen "the real thing" in your immediate family which makes you doubly cautious. I'm curious, are you a bit skeptical that real love even exists? Just asking.

Oh sure, I've seen real love. My uncle Fred and his wife are good examples. My best friend and his wife are also.

So many people think love is something that happens to you, something beyond your control - I've fallen in love with her, we're not in love anymore... Others turn love into a bartering of goods and services, two people keeping each other company to avoid being alone, or providing room and board in exchange for conversation and sex. That's not love.

I've seen real love before. Love is something you choose to do. Love is caring about somebody without calculating what somebody can do for you in return.

 

[Lynx]

On the flip side, I've also seen the kind of love that is a matter of convenience. I've seen the love that is really desperation to avoid loneliness. I've seen the love that takes advantage of others for personal gain. I've seen the love that measures what you can do for me versus what I am doing for you, and decides this relationship is no longer worth it because I feel like I'm giving more than I'm getting.

I have no interest in any of those. I don't need someone to keep loneliness at bay and I'm taking care of myself just fine. I don't want a relationship where I have to worry that I'm "holding up my end of it" or worrying that she's not contributing her part in the deal.

What if I get sick, like... more than a cold or flu, something permanent? What if the economy tanks and I lose my job? What if she gets sick or loses her job? What if one of us can no longer put up our side of the relationship, the value that we brought to the deal that made the other want us? Will we no longer be "in love" then?

I've heard of a lot of people who got a divorce because, for some medical reason, their partners could no longer have sex with them. Did they really love their spouses or did they just love sex?

No thank you. I'll wait for real love, thanks.

 

[BrotherMike]

I wouldn’t say cold and afraid, more like skeptical and cautious. Divorce was painful and don’t want to experience that again. It made me more patient and more focusing on if I have peace with her. Another thing that sometimes use to haunt me is I chose the wrong person before, do I have discernment and wisdom to know more of who God has for me? It took a lot of prayer and patience. I do believe those experiences molded me to the man I am today. Your past experiences are suppose to make you stronger.

 

[Lynx]

Maybe a bit too personal of a discussion topic, but hey, participation is completely voluntary. I was feeling a bit gloomy and introspective today, so here we go.

From my personal experiences, I can say that nothing hurts quite so deeply as loving someone else wholeheartedly and having them crush or reject you. It's something that I've spent years now slowly recovering from, but it still hurts deeply even now if I let myself think about it too much. I wonder if the experience has made me a colder person out of fear of getting hurt. I was never exactly a confident Casanova to begin with, so...

Anyways, have you thought about this in light of your own experiences? Do you think that past relationship hurts have actually led to your sabotaging of other relationships -- subconsciously perhaps -- from a fear of trusting or committing too much or being vulnerable?

Because of you
I never stray too far
From the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I learned not to trust
Not only me but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you

- Kelly Clarkson

(Definitely NOT in my collection, but it fits here.)

 

[Aerials1978]

I’m not afraid of love, I’m not very good at it. I’m speaking of love with a woman of course.

 

[Lanolin]

I think ....with Gods love, it doesnt need to be conditional, I think He has so much love for us and we are to give it freely with no expectation of return. That just means we become a loving friendly person because it is in our nature God has given us not because we expect someone else to give it to us.

I think...its a bonus to be reciprocated, but it doesnt always happen. And sometimes it takes time. But it is better to love than not love at all.

One thing I have learned though is with the precious gift of Salvation is casting a pearl before swine (or to dogs) isnt the best way to do it! So if someone rejects us dont take it to heart they werent ready to appreciate your gift. But doesnt mean nobody else will.

 

[Gojira]

Maybe a bit too personal of a discussion topic, but hey, participation is completely voluntary. I was feeling a bit gloomy and introspective today, so here we go.

From my personal experiences, I can say that nothing hurts quite so deeply as loving someone else wholeheartedly and having them crush or reject you. It's something that I've spent years now slowly recovering from, but it still hurts deeply even now if I let myself think about it too much. I wonder if the experience has made me a colder person out of fear of getting hurt. I was never exactly a confident Casanova to begin with, so...

Anyways, have you thought about this in light of your own experiences? Do you think that past relationship hurts have actually led to your sabotaging of other relationships -- subconsciously perhaps -- from a fear of trusting or committing too much or being vulnerable?

Short answer: Nope.

But... we do share the trait of not being Casanovas.

 

[Gojira]

I still remember my 20s-30s... Back when I still believed in mutuality and unconditional adoration. When everything was Hollywood warm and fuzzy and romance was supposed to be mind-blowingly dreamy. I entered into every relationship with all those preconceived notions of what a man was supposed to be and how a woman deserves to be treasured...

THANK GOD I GREW OUT OF THAT!

Life experience has made me very selfish, but I don't think that's a bad thing.
I've been around enough to know what I REALLY need from a relationship... and at the top of that list is TRUST and RESPECT! Because you can't have one without the other.

Gotta have that John Wayne mentality

 

[JStates]

Short answer: Nope.

But... we do share the trait of not being Casanovas.

Well, my scaly friend, may your... uh... inner fires never be quenched!

 

[JStates]

MY love experiences Hmmm... .. didn't make me colder...but there are times that my mind get stuck wallowing in those negative feelings...like... is waiting for so long even worth it in the end?

Why do some people find love so easy while myself been waiting for so long already...not that I am not trying or not taking chances... don't I deserve love ?

WHAT more I should do How much more I should give? Silly me ☺ But still I choose to hope,to believe,to trust God's words even if, even when (sometimes) I cannot see His ways...

I know exactly what you mean. It is quite frustrating... meanwhile, I'm not getting any younger or handsomer!

I'm trying to take Tim McGraw's advice to "Always Stay Humble and Kind," to not get jaded and cynical, and to keep hoping. I'm hoping the one I'm looking for is out there, and that I'll know her when I meet her.

 

[JStates]

Oh sure, I've seen real love. My uncle Fred and his wife are good examples. My best friend and his wife are also.

So many people think love is something that happens to you, something beyond your control - I've fallen in love with her, we're not in love anymore... Others turn love into a bartering of goods and services, two people keeping each other company to avoid being alone, or providing room and board in exchange for conversation and sex. That's not love.

I've seen real love before. Love is something you choose to do. Love is caring about somebody without calculating what somebody can do for you in return.

As always, you have a way of cutting right to the crux of it!

 

[JStates]

huh
I notice a lot of people dont quite understand what win-win means.
I thought if two guys liked the same girl, they'd just...either share her or clone her.

ok how bout the opposite what happens if two girls like the same guy?

Or, is there some kind of bidding war.

btw my eyes dont really go like that Its hard to get them rolling in opposite directions.

I seem to recall that scenario from Laura Ingalls Wilder's books.

When Laura Ingalls and Almanzo Wilder were courting, that other snotty gal kept inviting herself to their Sunday afternoon buggy rides. Laura didn't appreciate that and finally told Almanzo that she thought two was company and three was a crowd and that she wouldn't be joining the group next time. Almanzo dumped the other chick right away, lol.

Of course this was like 100 years ago so the modern relevance is a bit dubious. My buggy is super dusty, and my horse is dead

 

[Magenta]

Do you think that past relationship hurts have actually led to your sabotaging of other relationships --
subconsciously perhaps -- from a fear of trusting or committing too much or being vulnerable?

Absolutely. There is a saying for this:

"Once bitten, twice shy."

Then this saying comes in handy: "Third time's a charm!"

My parents - at different times - both told me that one doesn't "fall in love," one "grows to love." While I'm not sure this is 100% correct, it does seem like the right way to build a lasting relationship if possible. My parents have been faithfully married for longer than I have been alive now, so I'd say they know what they're talking about.

Rising to greet love is superior to falling in love.

I have experienced both. And love should grow, otherwise it may stagnate. Love
requires a great deal of reciprocal vulnerability and authenticity to progress.

I found this (<= link ) to be quite a good read Wish I'd written it LOL

 

[JStates]

My life experiences have made me bitter towards the idea of socializing in general. It's one reason why I prefer to be alone all the time....because of the negative experiences I've had with people.


There are pros and cons to being a recluse. On one hand, I'm sure it's nice to have friends and whatnot. On the other hand....no one can hurt you. Or think you're someone that you're not. And so on.


Solitude is a blessing and a curse.

Great image by the way. But I don't think your story is going to end like Spike's did.

Remember that we live in an arena of choice and consequences. I've been where you're at. By God's grace I'm in a better place now, and I'm hopeful about making new connections in the future (not just romantic ones).

Hang in there, man!

 

[Lanolin]

I seem to recall that scenario from Laura Ingalls Wilder's books.

When Laura Ingalls and Almanzo Wilder were courting, that other snotty gal kept inviting herself to their Sunday afternoon buggy rides. Laura didn't appreciate that and finally told Almanzo that she thought two was company and three was a crowd and that she wouldn't be joining the group next time. Almanzo dumped the other chick right away, lol.

Of course this was like 100 years ago so the modern relevance is a bit dubious. My buggy is super dusty, and my horse is dead

was that Nellie Olson
I recall Laura pushed her into the creek and she got bitten by leeches.

 

[Lanolin]

Chandler always knew what to say

 

[Lanolin]

If I recall from Friends, Julie found a Ross clone, Russ.

No wait, or was it Rachel found him first.

In the end, Ross and Rachel got together. Sort of.

 

[stilllearning]

Maybe a bit too personal of a discussion topic, but hey, participation is completely voluntary. I was feeling a bit gloomy and introspective today, so here we go.

From my personal experiences, I can say that nothing hurts quite so deeply as loving someone else wholeheartedly and having them crush or reject you. It's something that I've spent years now slowly recovering from, but it still hurts deeply even now if I let myself think about it too much. I wonder if the experience has made me a colder person out of fear of getting hurt. I was never exactly a confident Casanova to begin with, so...

Anyways, have you thought about this in light of your own experiences? Do you think that past relationship hurts have actually led to your sabotaging of other relationships -- subconsciously perhaps -- from a fear of trusting or committing too much or being vulnerable?

Have you ever tried to get over her with another woman? By that I am speaking just a best female friend. When my ex of 20 years left me. Just tore me up and got in a bunch of relationships just cause I thought what was missing was the sex.

I was wrong what was missing was intimacy but not what I had thought. I found out what I did not yet know about myself. I figured it was the sex I was missing but it was not. It was the intimacy of having someone to talk to just share my thoughts and emotions and in turn to be trusted with someone else's thoughts and emotions.

All the things that my ex made me feel like I was a failure with as a person. Was the reason she enjoyed being my friend. There is a old saying that men want every woman for one thing and women want one man for everything. In the world I found this is very much true.

As men we lose a gal we are romantically involved with so we believe we need another to replace her. However, would say that is the worse thing for us in almost every case. Because women we are involved with have expectations of us to be everything cause we are romantically involved. It is a cycle of wash, rinse, and repeat.

However, a honest to goodness just best female friend does not have those expectations of you so she is able to help build you up by just simple observations she will make. Pointing out you may have a good sense of humor, or so cool how folks can depend on you, and etc.

There is no pressure of the romantic so to me a real friend who is female is so underestimated and overlooked by us guys cause we just wanna try repeating the cycle all over again. Found that a female friend made me see and better analyze what was my strengths as a man and what my failures were by her just accepting me for who I was and just wanting to hear what was on my mind and share what was on hers.

No man is a island and sometimes a female friend just can show us how much we are not islands and we still need someone to be able to talk to and how just having that clears away a lot of haze so we can honestly analyze ourselves and find the things we need to work on. As well as to see our strengths so we can refine them and make them the first things noticed about us.

Just gave a whole new perspective on myself and life in general when it came to relationships.

 

[JStates]

Have you ever tried to get over her with another woman? By that I am speaking just a best female friend. When my ex of 20 years left me. Just tore me up and got in a bunch of relationships just cause I thought what was missing was the sex.

I was wrong what was missing was intimacy but not what I had thought. I found out what I did not yet know about myself. I figured it was the sex I was missing but it was not. It was the intimacy of having someone to talk to just share my thoughts and emotions and in turn to be trusted with someone else's thoughts and emotions.

All the things that my ex made me feel like I was a failure with as a person. Was the reason she enjoyed being my friend. There is a old saying that men want every woman for one thing and women want one man for everything. In the world I found this is very much true.

As men we lose a gal we are romantically involved with so we believe we need another to replace her. However, would say that is the worse thing for us in almost every case. Because women we are involved with have expectations of us to be everything cause we are romantically involved. It is a cycle of wash, rinse, and repeat.

However, a honest to goodness just best female friend does not have those expectations of you so she is able to help build you up by just simple observations she will make. Pointing out you may have a good sense of humor, or so cool how folks can depend on you, and etc.

There is no pressure of the romantic so to me a real friend who is female is so underestimated and overlooked by us guys cause we just wanna try repeating the cycle all over again. Found that a female friend made me see and better analyze what was my strengths as a man and what my failures were by her just accepting me for who I was and just wanting to hear what was on my mind and share what was on hers.

No man is a island and sometimes a female friend just can show us how much we are not islands and we still need someone to be able to talk to and how just having that clears away a lot of haze so we can honestly analyze ourselves and find the things we need to work on. As well as to see our strengths so we can refine them and make them the first things noticed about us.

Just gave a whole new perspective on myself and life in general when it came to relationships.

Thank you for your insights. There's a lot of good stuff there. My parents both have told me that I should marry my best friend, or in other words, build a friendship first and go from there. In my own experiences I can see the wisdom of this. Many of the most beautiful (physically) women I have known have been terrible people and I can see how marrying someone just based on the physical attraction alone could end up being a real nightmare.