What would you do if you were me?

[Liamson]

Well, I've kind of finally decided that I'm going to continue to hang out with just one person as friends and a potential relationship. (Also for the sake of not being called a premarital polygamist.) My problem is that I don't feel anything like that for anyone. And here is my question:

1. Should I get someone flowers, even though I don't feel anything, in the hopes that eventually with enough time spent together I might find the switch or the faucet or whatever it is that melts the ice?

2. I know what it feels like to fall in love. Are my expectations too high for the future and is love a once in a lifetime thing? Should I just be okay with Companionship?

3. As someone who now plays by the rules and didn't before, I'm afraid I don't really know the proper couch movie watching etiquette. Now don't get me wrong, I know what NOT TO DO (and where that leads) but, I also know that If I'm suppose to be interested in someone I'm suppose to do something. I have no idea what that something is. If I was IN the relationship a ways, I know what to do but, in the kiddie end of the pool, no idea.


PS> don't quote James 4:17 or some random verse that seems helpful to you but, makes me think you're crazy. Because I'm probably just going to think you're crazy. Like the kind of crazy that when a kid asks his mom, blue shirt or red shirt, she quotes most of Matthew 5.



I would like advice, opinions, suggestions... etc.

 

[toysoldier1610]

No you shouldn't get someone flowers if you don't feel anything. If you do that, you are leading her on & she could develop feelings for you. If you didn't eventually feel the same about her, she'd just get hurt. Giving someone a gift that has romance written on it is kind of like lying to them about how you feeling. you know? that's my opinion.

i don't think love only happens once. if it does, i'm screwed. :/ i think companionship is high up there but most importantly is that she is a woman of God.
keep in mind, love is an action, not just a feeling.
feelings don't always reflect the truth. (that can be applied to anything, seriously!)

i think if you are watching a movie on the couch with a girl alone, that is reason enough to believe you like each other. you shouldn't be alone with a girl if you're not in a relationship. again, my opinion. it's just not wise to put yourself in tempting situations. you know? i personally don't recommend being alone even if you're dating.
but, i get what you mean by being new to playing by the rules or whatever. haha

again, this is all just my opinion. why don't you pray about it? wait for God to answer

 

[Liamson]

Thanks, I needed that. =)

I think its mostly because I'm having an overwhelming urge to be normal recently. People see dating as being productive or something. I know its weird but, I don't really have a good excuse not to.

Normopathy
Psychiatric theorist Christopher Bollas invented the idea of normopathy to describe people who are so focused on blending in and conforming to social norms that it becomes a kind of mania. A person who is normotic is often unhealthily fixated on having no personality at all, and only doing exactly what is expected by society. Extreme normopathy is punctuated by breaks from the norm, where normotic person cracks under the pressure of conforming and becomes violent or does something very dangerous. Many people experience mild normopathy at different times in their lives, especially when trying to fit into a new social situation, or when trying to hide behaviors they believe other people would condemn.

I'm not saying thats me^ but, I can most certainly relate.

 

[toysoldier1610]

dude, you don't need an excuse to not date. you have a legit reason.
God didn't give her to you yet or lead you to her.
Wait for His timing. It's perfect.

dating is not being productive. it's being impatient!!!

(coming from the girl praying for a husband... haha!)

 

[Liamson]

Part of me wants an Oompa Loompa now and the other part is very afraid of being stuck with an Oompa Loompa.

I should just wait for God and pray about it.

Thanks for the great advice. =)

 

[Adrianv125]

Time is so precious, it just never comes back......

 

[zeroturbulence]

Doug, if you don't have feelings for this person then why are you even wanting to see her exclusively? I think you should wait until you meet someone you have feelings for.

 

[Forlorn-Hope]

You look rather awesome with your funky foo-man-chu.

 

[zeroturbulence]

You look rather awesome with your funky foo-man-chu.

haha true dat!

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

Well, I've kind of finally decided that I'm going to continue to hang out with just one person as friends and a potential relationship. (Also for the sake of not being called a premarital polygamist.) My problem is that I don't feel anything like that for anyone. And here is my question:

1. Should I get someone flowers, even though I don't feel anything, in the hopes that eventually with enough time spent together I might find the switch or the faucet or whatever it is that melts the ice?

2. I know what it feels like to fall in love. Are my expectations too high for the future and is love a once in a lifetime thing? Should I just be okay with Companionship?

3. As someone who now plays by the rules and didn't before, I'm afraid I don't really know the proper couch movie watching etiquette. Now don't get me wrong, I know what NOT TO DO (and where that leads) but, I also know that If I'm suppose to be interested in someone I'm suppose to do something. I have no idea what that something is. If I was IN the relationship a ways, I know what to do but, in the kiddie end of the pool, no idea.


PS> don't quote James 4:17 or some random verse that seems helpful to you but, makes me think you're crazy. Because I'm probably just going to think you're crazy. Like the kind of crazy that when a kid asks his mom, blue shirt or red shirt, she quotes most of Matthew 5.



I would like advice, opinions, suggestions... etc.

I have often wondered the same thing

I keep coming up with the same answer though. For myself, and maybe your like this. I immediately like someone or i don't. I cant ''grow'' feelings for someone, its either their or its not.
I came to the conclusion i would be miserable if i married or dated someone i felt mediocre about. In turn it would probably make him miserable.

Also it's not fair to the other person. It's actually quite deceitful. Your dating them under the guise that you have feelings for them. Im sure if you looked at this girl and said, i want to date you, but i dont feel a thing for you, she probably wouldn't even agree to date you.

If you think love is a one time deal and you can never love anyone again, you should stay by yourself, but dating someone you care nothing for in that way, isnt right.

To further back up my point Here is Numbers 21

1

Then came the children of Israel, even the whole congregation, into the desert of Zin in the first month: and the people abode in Kadesh; and Miriam died there, and was buried there.

2

And there was no water for the congregation: and they gathered themselves together against Moses and against Aaron.

3

And the people chode with Moses, and spake, saying, Would God that we had died when our brethren died before the LORD!

4

And why have ye brought up the congregation of the LORD into this wilderness, that we and our cattle should die there?

5

And wherefore have ye made us to come up out of Egypt, to bring us in unto this evil place? it is no place of seed, or of figs, or of vines, or of pomegranates; neither is there any water to drink.

6

And Moses and Aaron went from the presence of the assembly unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, and they fell upon their faces: and the glory of the LORD appeared unto them.

7

And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

8

Take the rod, and gather thou the assembly together, thou, and Aaron thy brother, and speak ye unto the rock before their eyes; and it shall give forth his water, and thou shalt bring forth to them water out of the rock: so thou shalt give the congregation and their beasts drink.

9

And Moses took the rod from before the LORD, as he commanded him.

10

And Moses and Aaron gathered the congregation together before the rock, and he said unto them, Hear now, ye rebels; must we fetch you water out of this rock?

11

And Moses lifted up his hand, and with his rod he smote the rock twice: and the water came out abundantly, and the congregation drank, and their beasts also.

12

And the LORD spake unto Moses and Aaron, Because ye believed me not, to sanctify me in the eyes of the children of Israel, therefore ye shall not bring this congregation into the land which I have given them.

13

This is the water of Meribah; because the children of Israel strove with the LORD, and he was sanctified in them.

14

And Moses sent messengers from Kadesh unto the king of Edom, Thus saith thy brother Israel, Thou knowest all the travail that hath befallen us:

15

How our fathers went down into Egypt, and we have dwelt in Egypt a long time; and the Egyptians vexed us, and our fathers:

16

And when we cried unto the LORD, he heard our voice, and sent an angel, and hath brought us forth out of Egypt: and, behold, we are in Kadesh, a city in the uttermost of thy border:

17

Let us pass, I pray thee, through thy country: we will not pass through the fields, or through the vineyards, neither will we drink of the water of the wells: we will go by the king's high way, we will not turn to the right hand nor to the left, until we have passed thy borders.

18

And Edom said unto him, Thou shalt not pass by me, lest I come out against thee with the sword.

19

And the children of Israel said unto him, We will go by the high way: and if I and my cattle drink of thy water, then I will pay for it: I will only, without doing anything else, go through on my feet.

20

And he said, Thou shalt not go through. And Edom came out against him with much people, and with a strong hand.

21

Thus Edom refused to give Israel passage through his border: wherefore Israel turned away from him.

22

And the children of Israel, even the whole congregation, journeyed from Kadesh, and came unto mount Hor.

23

And the LORD spake unto Moses and Aaron in mount Hor, by the coast of the land of Edom, saying,

24

Aaron shall be gathered unto his people: for he shall not enter into the land which I have given unto the children of Israel, because ye rebelled against my word at the water of Meribah.

25

Take Aaron and Eleazar his son, and bring them up unto mount Hor:

26

And strip Aaron of his garments, and put them upon Eleazar his son: and Aaron shall be gathered unto his people, and shall die there.

27

And Moses did as the LORD commanded: and they went up into mount Hor in the sight of all the congregation.

28

And Moses stripped Aaron of his garments, and put them upon Eleazar his son; and Aaron died there in the top of the mount: and Moses and Eleazar came down from the mount.

29

And when all the congregation saw that Aaron was dead, they mourned for Aaron thirty days, even all the house of Israel.

Numbers 21

 

[1still_waters]

This is more an observation than anything, but you seem to run everything through the gears of a rigorous intellectual process. It's almost like a mental sausage maker. You run things through your mind, they get intellectualized, and out comes the nice clean thought sausage. All nice, tidy, clean and sterile.

I'm not saying totally lead with your heart, but some things don't need the 'complete' rigors of the intellectual process. Sometimes thinking things over too much, ends up detaching us from the thing, to the point many things in life are just these umm...detached, emotionless, intellectual sausages......

If my observations are way off..or if any of this offended you..I apologize. It's just how I'm kinda perceiving things through the screen on my Mac the last few months.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

This is more an observation than anything, but you seem to run everything through the gears of a rigorous intellectual process. It's almost like a mental sausage maker. You run things through your mind, they get intellectualized, and out comes the nice clean thought sausage. All nice, tidy, clean and sterile.

I'm not saying totally lead with your heart, but some things don't need the 'complete' rigors of the intellectual process. Sometimes thinking things over too much, ends up detaching us from the thing, to the point many things in life are just these umm...detached, emotionless, intellectual sausages......

If my observations are way off..or if any of this offended you..I apologize. It's just how I'm kinda perceiving things through the screen on my Mac the last few months.

I agree with this actually.

 

[Jullianna]

I'm late to the party, but I agree with Stilly, Nod, Toysoldier and Gabe. If you don't feel something special toward this lady, you will only end up leading her on and hurting her by bringing her flowers and seeing her exclusively because she is most definitely going to view it as more than friendship.

Love is much more than fuzzy feelings, yes. But, as Stilly says, it's far more than an intellectual process as well. You can come to care about someone by spending time with them in the same way you care about lifelong friends, but it takes more than that to build a life with someone. Surely the two of you deserve better than that. If what you are looking for is for a lifetime, you gotta be ALL IN. Don't settle for just the beans when the whole enchilada is out there.

 

[Liamson]

I think I agree with you guys.

Gabe is right I should feel something. But I also don't know when feelings come into play. When I have feelings I feel as though I have always had them.

Nod, I want to say I'm like that but I honestly don't remember. Also you are crazy =P

Stilly, I do make things into Sausage. That is kind of my thing. Now this is me talking to a girl, "Hi my name is Doug. Quick! Tell me 5 charming things about yourself or else I'll turn you into mental sausage!"

My mind probably wishes Love was a choice as opposed to a reaction. Don't get me wrong I'm not the kind of person that weighs and measures all the eligible women I know and the one with the most going for her gets the Nod (no pun intended).



"You there, with the face, yes you. I'm in love with you. Come have dinner with me and we'll live happily ever after."

^In the voice of the guy from Its a wonderful Life.

 

[Liamson]

No I can't bear to live my life alone
I grow impatient for a love to call my own
But when I feel that I, I can't go on
These precious words keeps me hangin' on
I remember mama said:

You can't hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said love don't come easy
It's a game of give and take


-Diana Ross

 

[Jullianna]

I have often wondered the same thing

I keep coming up with the same answer though. For myself, and maybe your like this. I immediately like someone or i don't. I cant ''grow'' feelings for someone, its either their or its not.
I came to the conclusion i would be miserable if i married or dated someone i felt mediocre about. In turn it would probably make him miserable.

Also it's not fair to the other person. It's actually quite deceitful. Your dating them under the guise that you have feelings for them. Im sure if you looked at this girl and said, i want to date you, but i dont feel a thing for you, she probably wouldn't even agree to date you.

If you think love is a one time deal and you can never love anyone again, you should stay by yourself, but dating someone you care nothing for in that way, isnt right.

To further back up my point Here is Numbers 21

1

Then came the children of Israel, even the whole congregation, into the desert of Zin in the first month: and the people abode in Kadesh; and Miriam died there, and was buried there.

2

And there was no water for the congregation: and they gathered themselves together against Moses and against Aaron.

3

And the people chode with Moses, and spake, saying, Would God that we had died when our brethren died before the LORD!

4

And why have ye brought up the congregation of the LORD into this wilderness, that we and our cattle should die there?

5

And wherefore have ye made us to come up out of Egypt, to bring us in unto this evil place? it is no place of seed, or of figs, or of vines, or of pomegranates; neither is there any water to drink.

6

And Moses and Aaron went from the presence of the assembly unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, and they fell upon their faces: and the glory of the LORD appeared unto them.

7

And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

8

Take the rod, and gather thou the assembly together, thou, and Aaron thy brother, and speak ye unto the rock before their eyes; and it shall give forth his water, and thou shalt bring forth to them water out of the rock: so thou shalt give the congregation and their beasts drink.

9

And Moses took the rod from before the LORD, as he commanded him.

10

And Moses and Aaron gathered the congregation together before the rock, and he said unto them, Hear now, ye rebels; must we fetch you water out of this rock?

11

And Moses lifted up his hand, and with his rod he smote the rock twice: and the water came out abundantly, and the congregation drank, and their beasts also.

12

And the LORD spake unto Moses and Aaron, Because ye believed me not, to sanctify me in the eyes of the children of Israel, therefore ye shall not bring this congregation into the land which I have given them.

13

This is the water of Meribah; because the children of Israel strove with the LORD, and he was sanctified in them.

14

And Moses sent messengers from Kadesh unto the king of Edom, Thus saith thy brother Israel, Thou knowest all the travail that hath befallen us:

15

How our fathers went down into Egypt, and we have dwelt in Egypt a long time; and the Egyptians vexed us, and our fathers:

16

And when we cried unto the LORD, he heard our voice, and sent an angel, and hath brought us forth out of Egypt: and, behold, we are in Kadesh, a city in the uttermost of thy border:

17

Let us pass, I pray thee, through thy country: we will not pass through the fields, or through the vineyards, neither will we drink of the water of the wells: we will go by the king's high way, we will not turn to the right hand nor to the left, until we have passed thy borders.

18

And Edom said unto him, Thou shalt not pass by me, lest I come out against thee with the sword.

19

And the children of Israel said unto him, We will go by the high way: and if I and my cattle drink of thy water, then I will pay for it: I will only, without doing anything else, go through on my feet.

20

And he said, Thou shalt not go through. And Edom came out against him with much people, and with a strong hand.

21

Thus Edom refused to give Israel passage through his border: wherefore Israel turned away from him.

22

And the children of Israel, even the whole congregation, journeyed from Kadesh, and came unto mount Hor.

23

And the LORD spake unto Moses and Aaron in mount Hor, by the coast of the land of Edom, saying,

24

Aaron shall be gathered unto his people: for he shall not enter into the land which I have given unto the children of Israel, because ye rebelled against my word at the water of Meribah.

25

Take Aaron and Eleazar his son, and bring them up unto mount Hor:

26

And strip Aaron of his garments, and put them upon Eleazar his son: and Aaron shall be gathered unto his people, and shall die there.

27

And Moses did as the LORD commanded: and they went up into mount Hor in the sight of all the congregation.

28

And Moses stripped Aaron of his garments, and put them upon Eleazar his son; and Aaron died there in the top of the mount: and Moses and Eleazar came down from the mount.

29

And when all the congregation saw that Aaron was dead, they mourned for Aaron thirty days, even all the house of Israel.

Numbers 21

Nod, I just have to say that this is a personal best! You made my morning

 

[zeroturbulence]

No I can't bear to live my life alone
I grow impatient for a love to call my own
But when I feel that I, I can't go on
These precious words keeps me hangin' on
I remember mama said:

You can't hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said love don't come easy
It's a game of give and take


-Diana Ross

Good song. Phil Collins version is good too.


Doug, here is one thing that I noticed though...

If you want to buy this person flowers, then you must have some feelings for this person right?
Could it be that you are attracted to this person but you just don't want to make those feelings "official" yet? Afraid that you will find something out about this person that will make you stop liking her?

 

[Jullianna]

Gabe, thanks for mentioning the Phil Collins version. The mental picture of Liamson in an evening gown and an afro was just too much.

Lots of truth to the song tho.

 

[allforfun]

I'm late to the party, but I agree with Stilly, Nod, Toysoldier and Gabe. If you don't feel something special toward this lady, you will only end up leading her on and hurting her by bringing her flowers and seeing her exclusively because she is most definitely going to view it as more than friendship.

Love is much more than fuzzy feelings, yes. But, as Stilly says, it's far more than an intellectual process as well. You can come to care about someone by spending time with them in the same way you care about lifelong friends, but it takes more than that to build a life with someone. Surely the two of you deserve better than that. If what you are looking for is for a lifetime, you gotta be ALL IN. Don't settle for just the beans when the whole enchilada is out there.

This is what I tend to think about arranged marriages. I know some grow up together, but some do not. In many of them, they met when the veil was lifted. That is where that tradition came from. So the groom wouldn't be off put by her looks and get on a horse and run. I digress. You can grow to love that person, but I wonder if they get that punch drunk feeling even at 90 when they look at them over pudding.

We can grow love for someone by proximity. I have been here for what a month? And I laugh along with the best of you. But it isn't the same as turning around on a random Tuesday and having an overwhelming desire to get to know someone deeply. When that hits, we can't control it, or deny that it is there.

How does she feel I wonder? Does she have more feelings than you do? Are you wanting to date her because she represents what you think you should want, but don't? These questions aren't for me so you don't have to answer them, they are just something to think about.

In summary, I want everyone to find that one person that rocks their world and doesn't make them feel like they settled. If you feel like you are settling pre-dating, how are you going to feel dating, married and tied down with children? If that thought just made a lump in your throat? It isn't time.

 

[Jullianna]

We kinda joked about scriptural ties, but there really is one in this instance. Jacob was already a married man when his father in law told him he’d have to work 7 more years for Rachel. If all he’d wanted was someone for background noise, to share his bed, clean his tent, wash his robes, cook his meals and bear his babies, he had that already. He could have said of Leah, “No thanks. This one will do.” But he didn’t, because he knew he wanted more and she was apparently worth 7 more years to him. Given the difference he made between Leah's children and the children Rachel bore him, he clearly loved her deeply.

If we look a little deeper, we’re all part of the same story (I hope). God could have made us all cute little robots who never questioned Him, but He didn’t. Because He knows the value of a bride who truly loves you because she wants to.