Emotional affair..... should I tell my husband?

sonshine · Apr 30, 2022

A few years ago I found porn on my husbands computer, including conversations on a site that required "tokens" which you had to purchase in order to send messages.
Needless to say this caused a lot of strain on our marriage, especially after confronting him, being told I'm nuts, and in denial, and even walked in catching him when his screen froze, then he quickly tried to open a new window as I came in, but as fate would have it the frozen screen even though couldn't be seen, unfroze and could be heard.
Well, life went on, he got help, grew in his relationship with the Lord, and I honestly don't believe this to be an issue for him anymore.

During that time I found myself on a Christian site similar to this. I never talked about my personal life or marriage or anything like that, but it did say on my profile "married", I never tried to hide that. It became my favorite place to spend time, and while there I ended up in a private conversation with another man (widower) He was a great guy, and seemed like all the things my husband lacks this man had (such as sensitivity, and emotion, and listening/well reading & responding to what I had to say, which felt like listening since my husband has a bad habit of cutting me off mid sentence no matter what we're talking about).

Anyway, over time I began imagining what life with this man could/would be like..........
not that I would divorce my husband to run off with some stranger on the internet, but just thoughts like "what if something happens to my husband and I find myself a widow....... would this man become a love interest/ what kind of father would he be to my kids"......... or "what if I never married husband, and met this man while single?" thoughts like that.
He was always telling me how much/highly he thought of me. It felt like he was my best friend, and he told me I was his.

Anyways, one night as we were both saying "time for bed, talk to you later" I found myself saying "I love you!"
I did not type to him (we had only communicated through that site, never personal emails or phone) but it was in my head, and then in my heart, and whispered from my lips, and I was surprised. I thought it was a weird fluke, but the next time we chatted I found myself thinking it again. And thinking it throughout the day when we weren't chatting.

My husband likes to listen to "soft rock" radio stations, "the best of the 80's, 90's and today".........
I found hearing songs like Selena- I could fall in love with you......... that NEVER made me swoon for anyone, suddenly was making me think of him.
And honestly found myself thinking if I wasn't careful that I could/would fall in love.

I didn't know how to bring this up to him, I never did. I just never went back to that site.
I feel so torn up over it. It's been several months, and I feel like I owe him an explanation, but I'm afraid if I go back and reconnect that either 1) he'll ignore me or 2) we'll reconnect and things possibly go further, past boundaries, and I honestly don't want to go there.

My husband had the radio on today, Whitney Huston "I'll always love you" came on.
Again, not a song that's ever affected me but now it did. I almost burst into tears and had to leave the room.
My husband asked me if I was alright (not usually something he used to do) and I had a hard time answering "yep, I'm fine"

I just wonder if I should let things go, or if I should tell my husband what has been going on?
Things have gotten better for/with us, and I'm afraid if I tell him that it's not going to be taken well.

Advice?

tourist · Apr 30, 2022

Let it all go and start moving forward again in a positive direction in your marriage and personal life.

kaylagrl · Apr 30, 2022

sonshine said:

A few years ago I found porn on my husbands computer, including conversations on a site that required "tokens" which you had to purchase in order to send messages.
Needless to say this caused a lot of strain on our marriage, especially after confronting him, being told I'm nuts, and in denial, and even walked in catching him when his screen froze, then he quickly tried to open a new window as I came in, but as fate would have it the frozen screen even though couldn't be seen, unfroze and could be heard.
Well, life went on, he got help, grew in his relationship with the Lord, and I honestly don't believe this to be an issue for him anymore.

During that time I found myself on a Christian site similar to this. I never talked about my personal life or marriage or anything like that, but it did say on my profile "married", I never tried to hide that. It became my favorite place to spend time, and while there I ended up in a private conversation with another man (widower) He was a great guy, and seemed like all the things my husband lacks this man had (such as sensitivity, and emotion, and listening/well reading & responding to what I had to say, which felt like listening since my husband has a bad habit of cutting me off mid sentence no matter what we're talking about).

Anyway, over time I began imagining what life with this man could/would be like..........
not that I would divorce my husband to run off with some stranger on the internet, but just thoughts like "what if something happens to my husband and I find myself a widow....... would this man become a love interest/ what kind of father would he be to my kids"......... or "what if I never married husband, and met this man while single?" thoughts like that.
He was always telling me how much/highly he thought of me. It felt like he was my best friend, and he told me I was his.

Anyways, one night as we were both saying "time for bed, talk to you later" I found myself saying "I love you!"
I did not type to him (we had only communicated through that site, never personal emails or phone) but it was in my head, and then in my heart, and whispered from my lips, and I was surprised. I thought it was a weird fluke, but the next time we chatted I found myself thinking it again. And thinking it throughout the day when we weren't chatting.

My husband likes to listen to "soft rock" radio stations, "the best of the 80's, 90's and today".........
I found hearing songs like Selena- I could fall in love with you......... that NEVER made me swoon for anyone, suddenly was making me think of him.
And honestly found myself thinking if I wasn't careful that I could/would fall in love.

I didn't know how to bring this up to him, I never did. I just never went back to that site.
I feel so torn up over it. It's been several months, and I feel like I owe him an explanation, but I'm afraid if I go back and reconnect that either 1) he'll ignore me or 2) we'll reconnect and things possibly go further, past boundaries, and I honestly don't want to go there.

My husband had the radio on today, Whitney Huston "I'll always love you" came on.
Again, not a song that's ever affected me but now it did. I almost burst into tears and had to leave the room.
My husband asked me if I was alright (not usually something he used to do) and I had a hard time answering "yep, I'm fine"

I just wonder if I should let things go, or if I should tell my husband what has been going on?
Things have gotten better for/with us, and I'm afraid if I tell him that it's not going to be taken well.

Advice?

Honestly, it really is up to you. But it seems you can't get past the guilt. Both of you did things to damage your marriage. I wouldn't want to tell a person what to do in such a difficult situation. I really would take it to the Lord and ask Him to open the door for you to tell him.

As far as the man you think you are in love with, realize that is fantasy. You haven't shared a life together. It's very easy to fall for a person online, of course they will say all the right things. But if you think you can leave your marriage, or hold on to this other man, you're fooling yourself. Remember the grass is always greener on the other side because it's fertilized with poo. Ok seriously though, we can make ourselves think everything would be better if... And you may make that leap and live to regret it, sorely. I would really pray on this before I made any big decisions. Your heart is leading and not your head, and that is never a good situation.

Aerials1978 · Apr 30, 2022

This is adultery, no way around it. Our feelings will betray us and we commit transgressions again God.

Mem · Apr 30, 2022

Its been awhile so I don't remember the specifics of the teaching that there's a reason that it's phrased "falling" in love. It likely had something to do with, or was closely related to, following your heart, which too easily leads us to calamity. On the other hand, if allow clear thinking to lead us, we'll find a throne prepared for us.

arthurfleminger · Apr 30, 2022

Unfortunately, Satan attacks us where we are the weakest.. ..sex/power/money.....

I offer no excuses for your husband's sinful behavior, there are no excuses. But he is not along. In fact a survey found that approximately two-thirds (64 percent) of Christian men admit they view pornography at least monthly. These men have allowed Satan to enslave them in sin. And make no mistake, porn cannot be written off as an addiction, it is a sin and has to be willingly accepted by the viewer. Of course when a man gives himself over to porn he causes great damage with his relationships with God, wife, and family, not to mention the possible loss of his soul for all eternity

The men who choose porn over God and family will suffer greatly.
That being said, considering a relationship with another man won't help anything. Instead, you'll be choosing adultery over God and family. Tough situation and I have no real answers for you, maybe pastoral or professional help. But you surely aren't alone.

christian men watch porn - Search (bing.com)

GardenofWeeden · Apr 30, 2022

I don't see any reason to tell him other than it will make you feel better. Unfortunately it will hurt him. So if making yourself feel better is worth hurting your husband over, then by all means tell him. If you value his feelings then don't. (I don't intend that to sound as snarky as it does, but bluntness sometimes comes off and snarky)
Move on away from this other man, repent of it all, and work on your relationship with God, then allowing God to continue to repair your relationship with your husband,

TheIndianGirl · Apr 30, 2022

Your husband may want to know all types of details, as though it were a real sexual affair. He may want to read your chat conversations, ask you to dentify who exactly this person is, he may want to contact the guy himself, and may even make up stuff that you slept with him, etc. Depends on how nasty your husband is. Be prepared for what may come.

kaylagrl · Apr 30, 2022

TheIndianGirl said:

As I said, they both did damage to the marriage, he hurt her and this will hurt him. Personally, I would want my husband to tell me the truth, no matter how hard it was. Because if I found out another way, I would never, ever trust him again.

blueskies · Apr 30, 2022

Some advice here I agree with and some I don’t. You need to ask for the Lords guidance.

A few thoughts.

What about what’s best for your children? Who’s thinking about them? You don’t mention ages but I hope they’re not young.

Communication, the lack of it, seems to be a major problem.

How are your sins different in God’s eyes than your husband’s.

If, if, this online man is truly so thoughtful and loving then what in the world is he doing flirting with a married woman, with children no less? Where is his moral, ethical and spiritual compass?

I will pray for you, your husband and your children. Your family is sacred, don’t let the forces of chaos destroy it without a fight.

JohnDB · Apr 30, 2022

I'm going to pretty much agree with @GardenofWeeden .

Both of you have been behaving selfishly and focusing on yourselves as individuals instead of as the married royal "I" meaning "we".

If you are he and he is you...then married life rocks. You worry about him and not you. His job is to worry about you and not himself.

And now this sin has infected you more than you think.

If you want to avoid lust....
Don't focus on not engaging in the sinful behavior. Instead focus on loving your spouse more. This isn't so much emotion as it is a choice...you can choose to be selfish or giving...you can choose to respect and love your husband or not.

The results greatly differ with minor choices in attitudes. Not just in your marriage but in your whole life.

Live4Him2 · Apr 30, 2022

blueskies said:

^^^THIS^^^

Live4Him2 · Apr 30, 2022

sonshine said:

Well, I'll give it a go...

First of all, this other man should have NEVER been talking to a married woman like you privately unless it was about the Lord in some fashion or another. I mean, I'm obviously a man, and I have to be very careful whenever I'm speaking to females because of the whole male/female dynamic myself. On the one hand, I do seek personal information at times from women in order to hopefully best minister to them, but, on the other hand, I definitely need to constantly be aware of any boundaries which may exist. If she belongs to another man, then I may seek to minister God's word to her, but I definitely keep my personal distance. I've had private conversations with several different females here, but that's mainly because their business is nobody else's business, and some things are just easier to discuss in private.

Even on this forum, I've had to cut off talking to certain women because I felt that they were feeling some sort of personal attraction to me which was sinful in God's eyes. In fact, not that I've ever been anything but average-looking at best, I've come to the place where I no longer post a picture of myself in my profile picture because it seems that every time that I do something goes in a direction which it shouldn't with a female member here. I could easily go into details, but I won't.

Anyhow, my main question for you is this (I think that you already answered it in your OP):

Why would you have feelings for a man who is engaged in potentially harmful conversations with another man's wife?

Is God suddenly in favor of adultery?

I think that the answer to this question is simply that you were/are desperate for the proper type of affection, but that type of affection can never come from a man who isn't your husband.

If your husband wasn't/isn't obeying the word and wasn't/isn't seeking to love you as Christ loves the church, then this is what you should have been/should be doing:

I Peter chapter 3

[1] Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
[2] While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
[3] Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
[4] But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
[5] For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
[6] Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

Wayward husbands are to be won by the "conversation" (an Old English word which means "behavior" or "manner of life") of their wives as they behold your "chaste conversation (chaste behavior...to the Lord and to your husband, which doesn't include fantasizing after other men) coupled with fear", as in the fear of the Lord.

I'm not seeking to judge or condemn you, but this doesn't seem like the path that you chose.

Personally, I would suggest saying something to your husband.

I mean, would it be right for him to judge or condemn you when he pretty much instigated it by rejecting you in the place of porn?

Also, you said that he saw you almost break down, so this might be the perfect opportunity for you to explain to him what that was all about.

Maybe tell him something like, "I got involved in something that I shouldn't have gotten involved in. I was hurt, and felt rejected, and I basically was looking for the love and affection that I wasn't receiving from you in someone else."

I'm NOT suggesting that you say something along those lines in a self-justifying manner. What you did was as equally sinful in God's eyes as what he did, and you should therefore confess it as sin to both God and your husband.

Anyhow, don't do anything based solely upon what I've suggested.

Seek God, and ask him if you've received any sound counsel from any of us.

If he says "yes", then follow the same.

Whatever you do, DON'T go back to that other website.

That man isn't even worthy of an explanation.

If anything, then he's worthy of a good stern rebuke (or a punch in the mouth) for messing with another man's wife.

TheIndianGirl · Apr 30, 2022

I don't consider what the OP had as an emotional affair. First, both never met in person. They never spoke on the phone, or communicated with eachother outside of the site. Second, while both probably divulged in some private details in their messaging, they never crossed the boundary of saying "I love you" or something along those lines (as the OP stated above). Note the OP said she didn't talk about her marriage or personal life, so both never got into real personal details but it is safe to assume that they discussed at least some private information. Also, it did not seem like they were flirting. While the man did chat privately with a married woman, I think it would be wrong to accuse him in taking part in an emotional affair (it takes two to have an affair). Trying to see things from his perspective, he was just being friendly/supportive, etc.

What the OP is guilty of is having "grass is greener on the side" feelings. Note in her post, she had a lot of "what if" questions. The guy was just a vehicle who sparked her to have these types of thoughts, it's not really about the guy himself.

Jesusfollower · Apr 30, 2022

sonshine said:

A few years ago I found porn on my husbands computer, including conversations on a site that required "tokens" which you had to purchase in order to send messages.
Needless to say this caused a lot of strain on our marriage, especially after confronting him, being told I'm nuts, and in denial, and even walked in catching him when his screen froze, then he quickly tried to open a new window as I came in, but as fate would have it the frozen screen even though couldn't be seen, unfroze and could be heard.
Well, life went on, he got help, grew in his relationship with the Lord, and I honestly don't believe this to be an issue for him anymore.

During that time I found myself on a Christian site similar to this. I never talked about my personal life or marriage or anything like that, but it did say on my profile "married", I never tried to hide that. It became my favorite place to spend time, and while there I ended up in a private conversation with another man (widower) He was a great guy, and seemed like all the things my husband lacks this man had (such as sensitivity, and emotion, and listening/well reading & responding to what I had to say, which felt like listening since my husband has a bad habit of cutting me off mid sentence no matter what we're talking about).

Anyway, over time I began imagining what life with this man could/would be like..........
not that I would divorce my husband to run off with some stranger on the internet, but just thoughts like "what if something happens to my husband and I find myself a widow....... would this man become a love interest/ what kind of father would he be to my kids"......... or "what if I never married husband, and met this man while single?" thoughts like that.
He was always telling me how much/highly he thought of me. It felt like he was my best friend, and he told me I was his.

Anyways, one night as we were both saying "time for bed, talk to you later" I found myself saying "I love you!"
I did not type to him (we had only communicated through that site, never personal emails or phone) but it was in my head, and then in my heart, and whispered from my lips, and I was surprised. I thought it was a weird fluke, but the next time we chatted I found myself thinking it again. And thinking it throughout the day when we weren't chatting.

My husband likes to listen to "soft rock" radio stations, "the best of the 80's, 90's and today".........
I found hearing songs like Selena- I could fall in love with you......... that NEVER made me swoon for anyone, suddenly was making me think of him.
And honestly found myself thinking if I wasn't careful that I could/would fall in love.

I didn't know how to bring this up to him, I never did. I just never went back to that site.
I feel so torn up over it. It's been several months, and I feel like I owe him an explanation, but I'm afraid if I go back and reconnect that either 1) he'll ignore me or 2) we'll reconnect and things possibly go further, past boundaries, and I honestly don't want to go there.

My husband had the radio on today, Whitney Huston "I'll always love you" came on.
Again, not a song that's ever affected me but now it did. I almost burst into tears and had to leave the room.
My husband asked me if I was alright (not usually something he used to do) and I had a hard time answering "yep, I'm fine"

I just wonder if I should let things go, or if I should tell my husband what has been going on?
Things have gotten better for/with us, and I'm afraid if I tell him that it's not going to be taken well.

Advice?

Let things go but realize a relationship requires a lot of work. if you love your husband please get closer to him and try to work things out. Ask him why he needs porn? Jesus said something like if your right hand causes you to sin cut it away meaning removing what makes you sin. maybe not use the internet so much or place a restriction on the internet adult web sites?

in any case communicate and ask him to do the same if there is a problem or an unfulfilled need on both sides...

Blessings,

JF

Mii · May 1, 2022

I don't consider what you are doing adultery personally but I don't consider it flattering to the covenant of marriage either. It's on a line from my perspective.

I haven't ever been married and even though I'd like to give direct counsel, I'm missing something critical.

I do STRONGLY suggest you seek out a ministry that functions in this regard (Marriage counseling) or seek out a pastor. If your local pastor doesn't fit the bill then pray about it and find one that does. It's not that difficult to get in to talk to a pastor for a brief 20 minutes to see if perhaps the Spirit will move with someone you don't really know. I've found people that I'm just totally alright with sharing things...not everything...but more things than usual. It can happen.

Maybe you know someone like that already? If not, it seems worth the effort.

I don't think anyone could really disagree though that cutting off contact with this person for the time being is a good idea.

Definitely I wouldn't willfully engage in the thoughts and quash and pray through them as much as you are able.

Adstar · May 1, 2022

sonshine said:

A few years ago I found porn on my husbands computer, including conversations on a site that required "tokens" which you had to purchase in order to send messages.
Needless to say this caused a lot of strain on our marriage, especially after confronting him, being told I'm nuts, and in denial, and even walked in catching him when his screen froze, then he quickly tried to open a new window as I came in, but as fate would have it the frozen screen even though couldn't be seen, unfroze and could be heard.
Well, life went on, he got help, grew in his relationship with the Lord, and I honestly don't believe this to be an issue for him anymore.

During that time I found myself on a Christian site similar to this. I never talked about my personal life or marriage or anything like that, but it did say on my profile "married", I never tried to hide that. It became my favorite place to spend time, and while there I ended up in a private conversation with another man (widower) He was a great guy, and seemed like all the things my husband lacks this man had (such as sensitivity, and emotion, and listening/well reading & responding to what I had to say, which felt like listening since my husband has a bad habit of cutting me off mid sentence no matter what we're talking about).

Anyway, over time I began imagining what life with this man could/would be like..........
not that I would divorce my husband to run off with some stranger on the internet, but just thoughts like "what if something happens to my husband and I find myself a widow....... would this man become a love interest/ what kind of father would he be to my kids"......... or "what if I never married husband, and met this man while single?" thoughts like that.
He was always telling me how much/highly he thought of me. It felt like he was my best friend, and he told me I was his.

Anyways, one night as we were both saying "time for bed, talk to you later" I found myself saying "I love you!"
I did not type to him (we had only communicated through that site, never personal emails or phone) but it was in my head, and then in my heart, and whispered from my lips, and I was surprised. I thought it was a weird fluke, but the next time we chatted I found myself thinking it again. And thinking it throughout the day when we weren't chatting.

My husband likes to listen to "soft rock" radio stations, "the best of the 80's, 90's and today".........
I found hearing songs like Selena- I could fall in love with you......... that NEVER made me swoon for anyone, suddenly was making me think of him.
And honestly found myself thinking if I wasn't careful that I could/would fall in love.

I didn't know how to bring this up to him, I never did. I just never went back to that site.
I feel so torn up over it. It's been several months, and I feel like I owe him an explanation, but I'm afraid if I go back and reconnect that either 1) he'll ignore me or 2) we'll reconnect and things possibly go further, past boundaries, and I honestly don't want to go there.

My husband had the radio on today, Whitney Huston "I'll always love you" came on.
Again, not a song that's ever affected me but now it did. I almost burst into tears and had to leave the room.
My husband asked me if I was alright (not usually something he used to do) and I had a hard time answering "yep, I'm fine"

I just wonder if I should let things go, or if I should tell my husband what has been going on?
Things have gotten better for/with us, and I'm afraid if I tell him that it's not going to be taken well.

Advice?

Let it Go..
Never contact that other man again..
Confess it all to the LORD and move on...

You could end up doing more damage then good to your current relationship if you revealed it all to your husband..

Jocund · May 1, 2022

"Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." - James 5:16 KJV

"And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise." - Luke 6:31 KJV

"And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins.”" - 1 Peter 4:8 NKJV

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. [...]" - 1 Cor 13:4-8a NIV

ChristianTonyB · May 1, 2022

sonshine said:

You should be applauded for your courage in confessing your sin before your peers.

You've effectively committed adultery in your heart, as your husband also did to you with his adulterous behaviour in watching pornography.

You need to confess your adultery to God, and stop doing it. Whatever you do don't go back to that site. Instead you need to be working to help bring your marriage to a healthy state. Get advice on how you can help achieve that if necessary.

In terms of whether to tell your husband or not, you'll need to make that judgement yourself. I would say that it isn't absolutely necessary unless you feel the burden of guilt of your sin is too hard for you to bear, and you need to tell your husband to get it off your chest. I would say there may be a better option though, and that is for you and husband to get marriage guidance counselling from an individual, or better still a couple, that you can both trust. They will want to interview you and your husband separately so they can compile a list of issues and complaints, and will tease those out in conversation in a way that will make it less confrontational for you and your husband but still achieve the desired outcome of repairing your relationship.

Magenta · May 1, 2022

TheIndianGirl said:

Meeting in person is not a prerequisite

1 Samuel 16:7b

Emotional affair..... should I tell my husband?

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