Affairs. Salvation. And a long marriage story

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A

Annie411

New member
#1
May 3, 2022
17
2
3
#1
Hello all. I am new to this forum but found comfort in reading some other posts about this subject.
A little backstory. I am a born again Christian. I have been saved for about three years now. Before I was saved, my soul was tormented completely. I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional home and brought that into all of my relationships. I hurt the ones I loved to avoid being abandoned and I self sabatoged. This came out in the form of a decade long eating disorder (bulimia), an alcohol addiction and adultry. I unfortunately dragged my husband into all of this. I am 30 now. I have had a couple of affairs before I was saved. One when we first started dating (I must have been 20) and almost left my (now) husband for him and another three years ago. In the midst of my drinking, there have likely been other offenses as well.
This past weekend, the Lord compelled me to come clean completely about my transgressions to my husband. He had known about a portion, but I lied to him repeatedly about some of the questions he asked out of fear. And selfishness. And my own sin. I was so unbelievably terrified, but I did it. I came clean the best I could.
My husband now says he wants to continue the marriage. But he has also made it abundantly clear that for right now at least, he is not staying in it for me. He’s staying in it for our children. So, in my own selfishness, I can’t help but feel abandoned.
A little background on my husband. He was a good boyfriend when we first started dating. He treated me well, but over the years his heart has grown cold to me. I’m not sure exactly what was responsible for it but looking back, it was likely my toxic behavior. He is also not a believer.
Last night he told me that I robbed him of his life. And I can’t argue that. I hid an affair from him for ten years. It makes me terribly sad.
Now I’m just figuring out how to cope. He says for me to just leave him alone, so I’m going to try my best to do that, but I can’t help but feel like nothing is my own. Like my house isn’t my own anymore. Like this beautiful family of mine isn’t my own and I deserve to have it all taken from me.
If I’m being honest. Today I woke up in so much unbelievable pain and despair over my actions and how I’ve hurt my husband. Especially because I have been made NEW. I would never ever do these things now because I love Jesus and my husband.
I’m wondering if any husbands or wives can chime in after surviving infidelity and give me biblical advice on how to move past this. I would also ask you to just pray for my husbands healing and most importantly, his salvation. If that means he leaves me and finds Jesus. So be it.

Sincerely,
A born again Christian and wife)
 
2ndTimothyGroup

2ndTimothyGroup

Well-known member
#2
Feb 20, 2021
5,883
1,953
113
#2
I cannot provide you with any Scriptural references to support what I am about to say, so accept my apologies. That said, I would say that when we confess our sins, we must choose who to confess them to. If our confession is going to bring remarkable pain and agony to the one in whom we're about to confess, I wouldn't do it. We are to protect the hearts of those we love. So, we must assess whether or not our admissions are going to bring healing . . . or disaster. I realize that this does not help you with the current situation, but I would recommend taking this advice with you into the future.

What can you do now? Take it upon yourself to become the absolute best person that you can be, but not just for yourself, but for your husband. First, I would recommend that you take your own actions to become the best person possible so that the evidence is shown that you truly care not only about the quality of your own life, but the quality of your husband's life as well. After you have begun taking remarkable steps, and if you can find a way, ask [him] what it is that you can do to gain his trust and affection. Know that you cannot put a time limit on his pain. In other words, if you have caused this pain, it is not fair for you to say, "Wow. I've been trying for five years now, and he still won't turn his heart in my favor. That is how this works. We don't get to determine how long a person is wounded because of our actions. If you Truly love him, you MUST be willing to continue to prove yourself for the rest of your life. It is also good to remember that you are not your own anymore, but the property of your husband. I'm not picking on you, for your husband is also the property of you . . . this is a two-way street.

So, if you have the heart to give up in this marriage, should his heart never turn around, then the giving up will only deepen his hurt, and he will thus say, "See. She gave up anyway. She really didn't care."

And this is why it is critical to literally become the best person you can possibly be. And what is that type of person? Read the entire Bible and take note of every passage that outlines the True personality and character of a genuine Christian. There is much, so much material that outlines what and who a True Child of God is. Be sure to daily ask that God would cause you to become this person, for you cannot do it on your own volition. The Power to change comes from the Lord Himself.

I believe in you, and it is time that you believe in you as well. And why shouldn't you believe in yourself? Has your husband been perfect? Do you know anyone that has been perfect? No. No one is perfect. No one is without blame, so even though your husband is saying hurtful things to you, and MUST not allow those things to hurt your sense of confidence. Believe in yourself as a good, healthy, balanced person. Just because your husband is upset with you and is punishing you, this should, in now way, translate into how you view yourself. Just because a person is upset with you, this does not mean that you are to be upset with yourself. So, get over what you have done. Forgive yourself so that you can carry on in your marriage without a broken heart. You MUST conquer your own sense of brokenness for what you have done. Again, your husband is not perfect, so he should expect you to be. But you cannot determine what he thinks; however, you can determine what you think about yourself. So from today onward, your job is to begin to view yourself as a good, healthy, balanced Child of God.

Again, I believe in you. You can do this.
 
SteveEpperson

SteveEpperson

Junior Member
#3
May 12, 2018
552
222
43
#3
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 john 1:9 NIV

God had forgiven you, but now you need to forgive yourself. You are born again, not of the flesh, but of the Spirit. You are made a new creation in God's eyes:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. 2 cor. 5:17 NKJV

My advice to you is to confess your sins early and often and without excuse. Only through continuous daily cleaning will you move forward in your walk with God.

Even when the Holy Spirit convicts me of the smallest sin, I am on my knees. As a mature follower, I still sin, but it is more spontaneous than planned. Also, I am more sensitive to my sin and the spiritual battle raging inside me. However, immediately upon repentance, I have peace once again.

When your husband and children see you humbling yourself before God, begging for forgiveness daily, they will come to understand how committed you are toward the goal of sanctification. They will see a peace within you that surpasses all understanding. And hopefully, they will eventually ask how they can receive the same.
 
2ndTimothyGroup

2ndTimothyGroup

Well-known member
#4
Feb 20, 2021
5,883
1,953
113
#4
I made three major typoes in my message above. Please read through them . . . they're pretty obvious.
 
soberxp

soberxp

Senior Member
#5
May 3, 2018
2,511
482
83
#5
I think the first thing you should do is find a way to comfort your husband.
Just like the posts you read here give you comfort.
When your husband finally gets emotional comfort, and it is you also get comfort.
You also have to understand that no matter what your husband will think of you in the end, you have to learn to forgive him, just as Christ forgives us.
And you think your husband is cold to you, have you ever thought about the same question for yourself, and whether you're as cold to your husband as you are?
One more thing you need to care about is that, as things stand, your children are a bridge to your relationship, and you have to catch that.
Don't know how old your child is, you can also focus on educating your children about the Bible, not just your husband needs to know Jesus.

pray for you.
 
T

TheIndianGirl

Guest
#6
#6
The way your husband has reacted, to be more distant and wanting space, is no surprise considering what he has been through. I am not blaming you entirely since you mentioned coming from a dysfunctional home. I think you may need some counseling, and after that marriage counseling. Your husband may also need some counseling on his own.
 
A

Annie411

New member
#7
May 3, 2022
17
2
3
#7
TheIndianGirl said:
The way your husband has reacted, to be more distant and wanting space, is no surprise considering what he has been through. I am not blaming you entirely since you mentioned coming from a dysfunctional home. I think you may need some counseling, and after that marriage counseling. Your husband may also need some counseling on his own.
Click to expand...
Thank you. I am in counseling and I love it. I started a couple of weeks ago. My husband refuses any kind of counseling. I’ve tried for years.
 
A

Annie411

New member
#8
May 3, 2022
17
2
3
#8
soberxp said:
I think the first thing you should do is find a way to comfort your husband.
Just like the posts you read here give you comfort.
When your husband finally gets emotional comfort, and it is you also get comfort.
You also have to understand that no matter what your husband will think of you in the end, you have to learn to forgive him, just as Christ forgives us.
And you think your husband is cold to you, have you ever thought about the same question for yourself, and whether you're as cold to your husband as you are?
One more thing you need to care about is that, as things stand, your children are a bridge to your relationship, and you have to catch that.
Don't know how old your child is, you can also focus on educating your children about the Bible, not just your husband needs to know Jesus.

pray for you.
Click to expand...
Thank you. I do find comfort in shifting my focus to my children, but the weight of my guilt is heavy. He is extremely difficult to comfort emotionally as he will not receive it. He asks to be left alone and him, being a super quiet, cold, no empathetic person, I think that’s the best thing I can do for him.
 
C

ChristianTonyB

Guest
#9
#9
SteveEpperson said:
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 john 1:9 NIV

God had forgiven you, but now you need to forgive yourself. You are born again, not of the flesh, but of the Spirit. You are made a new creation in God's eyes:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. 2 cor. 5:17 NKJV

My advice to you is to confess your sins early and often and without excuse. Only through continuous daily cleaning will you move forward in your walk with God.

Even when the Holy Spirit convicts me of the smallest sin, I am on my knees. As a mature follower, I still sin, but it is more spontaneous than planned. Also, I am more sensitive to my sin and the spiritual battle raging inside me. However, immediately upon repentance, I have peace once again.

When your husband and children see you humbling yourself before God, begging for forgiveness daily, they will come to understand how committed you are toward the goal of sanctification. They will see a peace within you that surpasses all understanding. And hopefully, they will eventually ask how they can receive the same.
Click to expand...
Annie, I'm not sure exactly what the poster's intent was with this post, but I think he was saying that your new life and the chaste behaviour that comes with it, besides the obvious benefit to yourself, may also woo your husband to seek Jesus out.
 
A

Annie411

New member
#10
May 3, 2022
17
2
3
#10
2ndTimothyGroup said:
I cannot provide you with any Scriptural references to support what I am about to say, so accept my apologies. That said, I would say that when we confess our sins, we must choose who to confess them to. If our confession is going to bring remarkable pain and agony to the one in whom we're about to confess, I wouldn't do it. We are to protect the hearts of those we love. So, we must assess whether or not our admissions are going to bring healing . . . or disaster. I realize that this does not help you with the current situation, but I would recommend taking this advice with you into the future.

What can you do now? Take it upon yourself to become the absolute best person that you can be, but not just for yourself, but for your husband. First, I would recommend that you take your own actions to become the best person possible so that the evidence is shown that you truly care not only about the quality of your own life, but the quality of your husband's life as well. After you have begun taking remarkable steps, and if you can find a way, ask [him] what it is that you can do to gain his trust and affection. Know that you cannot put a time limit on his pain. In other words, if you have caused this pain, it is not fair for you to say, "Wow. I've been trying for five years now, and he still won't turn his heart in my favor. That is how this works. We don't get to determine how long a person is wounded because of our actions. If you Truly love him, you MUST be willing to continue to prove yourself for the rest of your life. It is also good to remember that you are not your own anymore, but the property of your husband. I'm not picking on you, for your husband is also the property of you . . . this is a two-way street.

So, if you have the heart to give up in this marriage, should his heart never turn around, then the giving up will only deepen his hurt, and he will thus say, "See. She gave up anyway. She really didn't care."

And this is why it is critical to literally become the best person you can possibly be. And what is that type of person? Read the entire Bible and take note of every passage that outlines the True personality and character of a genuine Christian. There is much, so much material that outlines what and who a True Child of God is. Be sure to daily ask that God would cause you to become this person, for you cannot do it on your own volition. The Power to change comes from the Lord Himself.

I believe in you, and it is time that you believe in you as well. And why shouldn't you believe in yourself? Has your husband been perfect? Do you know anyone that has been perfect? No. No one is perfect. No one is without blame, so even though your husband is saying hurtful things to you, and MUST not allow those things to hurt your sense of confidence. Believe in yourself as a good, healthy, balanced person. Just because your husband is upset with you and is punishing you, this should, in now way, translate into how you view yourself. Just because a person is upset with you, this does not mean that you are to be upset with yourself. So, get over what you have done. Forgive yourself so that you can carry on in your marriage without a broken heart. You MUST conquer your own sense of brokenness for what you have done. Again, your husband is not perfect, so he should expect you to be. But you cannot determine what he thinks; however, you can determine what you think about yourself. So from today onward, your job is to begin to view yourself as a good, healthy, balanced Child of God.

Again, I believe in you. You can do this.
Click to expand...
thank you for your advice. I’ve had fleeting moments this past week where I thought it was a mistake to have told him. That I should’ve kept this hurt to myself, but I also feel like God convicted my heart to do this. Especially because it was not out of the blue. He asked me some very specific questions about my past and I lied to him. I’m done with the lying. That is also in my past.
I will continue to be the best wife and mother I can be but by Gods strength alone. I wake up every morning now wishing I didn’t. I haven’t eaten. The weight is heavy.
Not putting a time limit on his pain is a scary thought. But I will try to shift my focus from pleasing him to pleasing God. My heart is aching though.
please pray for the mental and emotional strength for me to carry this out.
thank you
 
C

ChristianTonyB

Guest
#11
#11
Annie411 said:
Thank you. I do find comfort in shifting my focus to my children, but the weight of my guilt is heavy. He is extremely difficult to comfort emotionally as he will not receive it. He asks to be left alone and him, being a super quiet, cold, no empathetic person, I think that’s the best thing I can do for him.
Click to expand...
Annie, are you still living in the same house as your husband, and are you being counselled by a Christian lady mentor, someone you can trust in to disclose your innermost fears to, and get encouragement and advice from? I'm assuming your husband isn't getting any counselling, is that true?
 
C

ChristianTonyB

Guest
#12
#12
ChristianTonyB said:
Annie, are you still living in the same house as your husband, and are you being counselled by a Christian lady mentor, someone you can trust in to disclose your innermost fears to, and get encouragement and advice from? I'm assuming your husband isn't getting any counselling, is that true?
Click to expand...
Ok, I see by another reply that your are getting counselling.
 
A

Annie411

New member
#13
May 3, 2022
17
2
3
#13
ChristianTonyB said:
Annie, are you still living in the same house as your husband, and are you being counselled by a Christian lady mentor, someone you can trust in to disclose your innermost fears to, and get encouragement and advice from? I'm assuming your husband isn't getting any counselling, is that true?
Click to expand...
He refuses counseling. Does not think it will help him. I’ve tried for years and years. I just tried on Monday evening again.
 
C

ChristianTonyB

Guest
#14
#14
Annie411 said:
He refuses counseling. Does not think it will help him. I’ve tried for years and years. I just tried on Monday evening again.
Click to expand...
It's good that you are getting counselling 👍

Besides your counsellor, are you able to get emotional support from church members, or other members of your family?
 
A

Annie411

New member
#15
May 3, 2022
17
2
3
#15
ChristianTonyB said:
It's good that you are getting counselling 👍

Besides your counsellor, are you able to get emotional support from church members, or other members of your family?
Click to expand...
I am. I am so blessed to have an army of women with me. They are incredible support. I just feel my weight is heavy and I can’t always put it on them. So I came here in hopes that I can process more with Godly people. God is so good is the support he provides. He didn’t make me do this difficult thing alone.
 
A

Annie411

New member
#16
May 3, 2022
17
2
3
#16
ChristianTonyB said:
Annie, are you still living in the same house as your husband, and are you being counselled by a Christian lady mentor, someone you can trust in to disclose your innermost fears to, and get encouragement and advice from? I'm assuming your husband isn't getting any counselling, is that true?
Click to expand...
And yes, we are still living in the same house. I hope forever.
 
SteveEpperson

SteveEpperson

Junior Member
#17
May 12, 2018
552
222
43
#17
ChristianTonyB said:
but I think he was saying that your new life and the chaste behaviour that comes with it, besides the obvious benefit to yourself, may also woo your husband to seek Jesus out.
Click to expand...
Well put. Thank you for clarifying.
 
C

ChristianTonyB

Guest
#18
#18
Annie411 said:
And yes, we are still living in the same house. I hope forever.
Click to expand...
I'm only asking these questions out of concern for your emotional and mental welfare.

Have you thought about moving out of home for a while, or would your husband be willing to do that? With you there in the home he may constantly be reminded of the object of his hurt, and with he being there, and his present manner towards you, you will constantly be reminded of his rejection of you.

Putting space between warring parties often hastens the healing. The war in his mind will be a deep feeling of betrayal, and for yourself, a deep feeling of guilt and rejection. If you don't see your husband's manner softening towards you within the next few weeks or so, for your own health's sake you may need to pull away. I realise there are children involved, so their needs will need to be accommodated, and part of that is they shouldn't have long term exposure to disharmony between parents.

There's no single scripture that comes to mind that gives precise direction here, except for the one Paul used to describe love, and the two commandments Jesus gave us to observe.
 
A

Annie411

New member
#19
May 3, 2022
17
2
3
#19
ChristianTonyB said:
I'm only asking these questions out of concern for your emotional and mental welfare.

Have you thought about moving out of home for a while, or would your husband be willing to do that? With you there in the home he may constantly be reminded of the object of his hurt, and with he being there, and his present manner towards you, you will constantly be reminded of his rejection of you.

Putting space between warring parties often hastens the healing. The war in his mind will be a deep feeling of betrayal, and for yourself, a deep feeling of guilt and rejection. If you don't see your husband's manner softening towards you within the next few weeks or so, for your own health's sake you may need to pull away. I realise there are children involved, so their needs will need to be accommodated, and part of that is they shouldn't have long term exposure to disharmony between parents.

There's no single scripture that comes to mind that gives precise direction here, except for the one Paul used to describe love, and the two commandments Jesus gave us to observe.
Click to expand...
Thank you for your advice. It is difficult coming home at night after work to a cold husband. And it is difficult being in my home because none of it feels real, and I will take space, but I won’t move out. I won’t leave my children without their mom and dad in one place unless that is what my husband wants. We are not fighting in front of the kids. We have in the past, but we are not now. We are working together well as parents.
 
C

ChristianTonyB

Guest
#20
#20
Annie411 said:
Thank you for your advice. It is difficult coming home at night after work to a cold husband. And it is difficult being in my home because none of it feels real, and I will take space, but I won’t move out. I won’t leave my children without their mom and dad in one place unless that is what my husband wants. We are not fighting in front of the kids. We have in the past, but we are not now. We are working together well as parents.
Click to expand...
That's great, a new start. Time heals Annie, give it time. The Holy Spirit will give you the necessary and timely insight of how to deal with your situation. 👍 Shalom. 🙂
 
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