Opening Up: An Offensive Term?

[Cabby]

Hey everyone, I'm not sure if this topic has been discussed before here or if it will even gain much interest. But I figure I would start it anyways.
I recently told someone near to me about how I wish they would open up more to me, communicate more, and let me take a peak into what is going on in their head because I feel as if I get less information compared to their friends. It comes from a genuine place of interest and a want to know this person better.

In response to my questioning, I am told by this person that to the people who ask them this question, it's lazy to ask such a thing.. that people should put in more work to figure out which parts are the open parts, because to them they are open all the time, and to basically be okay with what is given. It is seen by this person, that the people are putting all the workload on them to have all the information handed out. Also saying that people should take account for their history and background of how they have many things they are ashamed of and wish to go by their own terms saying, "If it happens, it happens."
(I tried to summarize this as best as I can, and may have left out a couple more points or lack explaination as I am trying to keep this as general as possible without specific instances and such)

Coming from someone who has had trouble with social interaction and never really put much thought into it, I never saw it this way. I do not disagree that it's okay to go by a person's own terms for when they feel comfortable enough to open up. Though, in my case, I am considered much closer to this person versus the friends of many years and yet I feel as though I do not recieve as much "openess" as these friends.
Maybe I am being selfish and impatient with them? I admit I never took into consideration the hardships they went through and never thought it was an issue to be asked to open up or to be told that a person wishes to know someone more. I never want to force anyone to "open up," but I realize that maybe that's exactly what I was asking of them.
I am curious if my reaction to this at first, which was shocked because it's such a simple question that I didn't expect to hold so much weight to it, is out of a very simple understanding of this and I should have known it to be more than what I believed it to be/mean, or maybe it was an expected response to some people.

How would you react if someone were to ask you to "open up" more? Would you be offended or would you find no problem with it, or somewhere in between?

 

[Cabby]

Maybe some people enjoy talking more open and loosely with those who are close but not as close, close with them??
*overloads with overthinking*

 

[Runningman]

Hey everyone, I'm not sure if this topic has been discussed before here or if it will even gain much interest. But I figure I would start it anyways.
I recently told someone near to me about how I wish they would open up more to me, communicate more, and let me take a peak into what is going on in their head because I feel as if I get less information compared to their friends. It comes from a genuine place of interest and a want to know this person better.

In response to my questioning, I am told by this person that to the people who ask them this question, it's lazy to ask such a thing.. that people should put in more work to figure out which parts are the open parts, because to them they are open all the time, and to basically be okay with what is given. It is seen by this person, that the people are putting all the workload on them to have all the information handed out. Also saying that people should take account for their history and background of how they have many things they are ashamed of and wish to go by their own terms saying, "If it happens, it happens."
(I tried to summarize this as best as I can, and may have left out a couple more points or lack explaination as I am trying to keep this as general as possible without specific instances and such)

Coming from someone who has had trouble with social interaction and never really put much thought into it, I never saw it this way. I do not disagree that it's okay to go by a person's own terms for when they feel comfortable enough to open up. Though, in my case, I am considered much closer to this person versus the friends of many years and yet I feel as though I do not recieve as much "openess" as these friends.
Maybe I am being selfish and impatient with them? I admit I never took into consideration the hardships they went through and never thought it was an issue to be asked to open up or to be told that a person wishes to know someone more. I never want to force anyone to "open up," but I realize that maybe that's exactly what I was asking of them.
I am curious if my reaction to this at first, which was shocked because it's such a simple question that I didn't expect to hold so much weight to it, is out of a very simple understanding of this and I should have known it to be more than what I believed it to be/mean, or maybe it was an expected response to some people.

How would you react if someone were to ask you to "open up" more? Would you be offended or would you find no problem with it, or somewhere in between?

If someone like a close friend asked me to open up more I would definitely open up more. I would see that as a signal they wanted to really grow this friendship more and they are interested in and value everything about me. I would actually see being told to open up more by a close friend as quite flattering.

Sometimes if someone likes someone a lot they protect themselves a lot more from them. Maybe they don’t want to embarrass themselves for fear they’ll be disliked. Maybe being told they should do more makes them feel inadequate. Seems like you shouldn’t push the matter with them if they are being self-defensive about opening up.

 

[Lynx]

Hey everyone, I'm not sure if this topic has been discussed before here or if it will even gain much interest. But I figure I would start it anyways.
I recently told someone near to me about how I wish they would open up more to me, communicate more, and let me take a peak into what is going on in their head because I feel as if I get less information compared to their friends. It comes from a genuine place of interest and a want to know this person better.

In response to my questioning, I am told by this person that to the people who ask them this question, it's lazy to ask such a thing.. that people should put in more work to figure out which parts are the open parts, because to them they are open all the time, and to basically be okay with what is given. It is seen by this person, that the people are putting all the workload on them to have all the information handed out. Also saying that people should take account for their history and background of how they have many things they are ashamed of and wish to go by their own terms saying, "If it happens, it happens."
(I tried to summarize this as best as I can, and may have left out a couple more points or lack explaination as I am trying to keep this as general as possible without specific instances and such)

Coming from someone who has had trouble with social interaction and never really put much thought into it, I never saw it this way. I do not disagree that it's okay to go by a person's own terms for when they feel comfortable enough to open up. Though, in my case, I am considered much closer to this person versus the friends of many years and yet I feel as though I do not recieve as much "openess" as these friends.
Maybe I am being selfish and impatient with them? I admit I never took into consideration the hardships they went through and never thought it was an issue to be asked to open up or to be told that a person wishes to know someone more. I never want to force anyone to "open up," but I realize that maybe that's exactly what I was asking of them.
I am curious if my reaction to this at first, which was shocked because it's such a simple question that I didn't expect to hold so much weight to it, is out of a very simple understanding of this and I should have known it to be more than what I believed it to be/mean, or maybe it was an expected response to some people.

How would you react if someone were to ask you to "open up" more? Would you be offended or would you find no problem with it, or somewhere in between?

Howdy Cabby and welcome to the forum.

What kind of cab do you drive? A sedan, minivan... smart car?

About the topic of your thread: If I said that to somebody and he replied like that to me, I'd respond, "Well geez louise, excuse me for caring. I promise I won't let it happen again."

 

[Cabby]

If someone like a close friend asked me to open up more I would definitely open up more. I would see that as a signal they wanted to really grow this friendship more and they are interested in and value everything about me. I would actually see being told to open up more by a close friend as quite flattering.

Sometimes if someone likes someone a lot they protect themselves a lot more from them. Maybe they don’t want to embarrass themselves for fear they’ll be disliked. Maybe being told they should do more makes them feel inadequate. Seems like you shouldn’t push the matter with them if they are being self-defensive about opening up.

That's an interesting way to look at it! See my immediate response is negative; maybe they don't enjoy time with me as much as others, maybe I am seen as less capable of understanding the experiences, thoughts, and feelings they have, etc.
But you give a perspective that can also be true which gives me a lot to think about. And agreed I don't believe I should push the matter further, it's something I can't really expect a person to give me unwillingly so it's best I leave it be and maybe they will come around, or not.
Thank you!

 

[Live4Him3]

How would you react if someone were to ask you to "open up" more? Would you be offended or would you find no problem with it, or somewhere in between?

Hi, Cabby.

First of all, when I first read your post (I read it twice), I thought for sure that this was a man asking these questions because I felt as if I could have written this post myself. In fact, I've had several conversations with different people, both male and female, on this very topic in just the last week or so, so this is a topic that is very near to my heart. I find it very interesting that you're a woman who is asking these questions, and I'll explain why that is in just a moment.

First. let me answer your questions.

Q. How would I react if someone were to ask me to "open up" more?

A. I'd be ECSTATIC because, truth be told, one of my favorite things in the whole world is open, honest, and deep conversation...especially with women. I'm sorry, but I'm really not too interested in men unless I'm attempting to minister the gospel to them in some manner or trying to help them work through some problem or situation in their lives.

Q. Would I be offended, or would I find no problem with it, or somewhere in between?

A. I would have no problem with it whatsoever. Instead, I have a huge problem with people who claim to care about me or who claim that they want to be my friend without showing even the slightest bit of interest in what is truly in my heart or in what type of man I truly am.

Now to why I find it interesting that you're a woman who is asking these questions...

For my entire life, I've heard or overheard woman after woman after woman after woman after woman complain that the man in their life pays no attention to them, or shows no real interest in them, or isn't thoughtful, etc., etc., etc. Well, I'm a man who is totally interested in what is in a woman's heart. In fact, I posted that somewhere on this forum a little over a year ago. Anyhow, I'm very picky or particular when it comes to women. In other words, unless I detect something in their heart that attracts me to them, I have no interest in them whatsoever...even if they're the most outwardly attractive woman ever.

Here's the weird part...

I'm also a very respectful gentleman who basically never "makes the first move". In other words, even if I like a woman, I am a respectful gentleman who totally believes in mutual consent or someone who would never seek to impose his own wants or desires upon another unless I first believed that they were mutually interested in me. Well, when women do show first interest in me, I seek to get to know what's in their hearts, and I'm denied entry time and time and time and time again. This really confuses me. In other words, why show interest in me if you're not willing to even let me know who you really are?

Granted, there are people who carry around a lot of past hurts, and have therefore built up walls around their hearts, but, even then, you would think that after a man shows himself to be patient, caring, compassionate, understanding, etc., that at least a little bit of entry would be granted unto him.

Well, I've been left standing out in the hallway enough times that I'm contemplating never even speaking to another woman again.

That's where I'm at.

Hey, you asked, and I OPENLY answered.

P.S.

My default position is this:

When someone "makes the first move" towards me, and then won't grant me access to their heart after I've shown myself worthy of the same, then I just walk away thinking that it was all just a game on their part.

 

[Cabby]

Howdy Cabby and welcome to the forum.

What kind of cab do you drive? A sedan, minivan... smart car?

About the topic of your thread: If I said that to somebody and he replied like that to me, I'd respond, "Well geez louise, excuse me for caring. I promise I won't let it happen again."

Thank you!
Why, I only drive/ride the best of the best; the taxi cab! Usually filled with smoke, stained seats, and the lingering smell of someones' meal.. what an experience, and it's one that changes each time. You never know what you get! Hehe

And that was my response as well upon hearing. Growing up, we just tell everyone our thoughts and emotions quite easily, and never really had to guess what was on the other persons' mind unless they state plainly, "I don't want to talk about it," or you just know not to talk to them.
I probably would have taken that response better but...it felt as if I personally attacked them and walked away from it questioning myself as if I perceive things to be much different than they are. Though not everyone is the same, I figured opening up to most people is just like "hey I'm interested and want to know you more" instead of what seems to be an offensive thing towards a person.
I have lots to learn...

 

[Live4Him3]

About the topic of your thread: If I said that to somebody and he replied like that to me, I'd respond, "Well geez louise, excuse me for caring. I promise I won't let it happen again."

Change that to "and SHE replied like that to me", and that's right where I'm at or just what I'm thinking.

 

[TheNarrowPath]

Hi Cabby, I do find it lazy when people say that. Because if you wanted to genuinely know someone, wouldnt you ask specific questions to find out more about them? Like who was your favourite teacher at elementary? Not generic questions like can you open up with me a bit more? I wouldnt necessarily be offended but Id have a feeling of read my autobiography which sounds defensive but its not. Its just filtering out the time wasters. Take your time getting to know someone, what is the rush? You dont want them on the back foot.

 

[Live4Him3]

You don't want them on the back foot.

I've never heard that expression before.

Can you tell me what it means?

Thank you.

 

[TheNarrowPath]

What I meant is that it can be a trust issue and even though you think its about you, the other person is not thinking that way. Rather than push for someone to share more when they might be uncomfortable, Id say let them guide the pace otherwise you might push them away. Like its clearly in your advantage to know more about them but they see it differently.

 

[Live4Him3]

What I meant is that it can be a trust issue and even though you think its about you, the other person is not thinking that way. Rather than push for someone to share more when they might be uncomfortable, Id say let them guide the pace otherwise you might push them away. Like its clearly in your advantage to know more about them but they see it differently.

I understand what you're saying, I truly do, but can't you see how being shut out might push away the one desiring access to the other person's heart, too?

What I'm basically saying is that both parties in any type of relationship need some idea at least of what is in the other person's heart or else it's going to create a very confusing situation for at least one of the parties involved if not both parties.

In the scenario that you just described, why not just tell the other person something like, "I'm sorry. It's not really you. I just have some trust issues that I'm dealing with/working through"?

This way the other party at least knows what is going on. If they don't know, then they can easily mistake the other person's trust issues for rejection or just game-playing.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

 

[TheNarrowPath]

I do see that and I think people like me are willing to risk that. And yes Ive said to guys I have trust issues only for them to get VERY pushy.

 

[Willow]

Depends on the person and how long I have known them. Plus if I feel led from God I will open up. Alot of people sadly use it to hurt others when they are mad at someone. I would just let them know atm do not feel led too. I guard my heart anymore. Been hurt and broke too many times

 

[Cabby]

Hi, Cabby.

First of all, when I first read your post (I read it twice), I thought for sure that this was a man asking these questions because I felt as if I could have written this post myself. In fact, I've had several conversations with different people, both male and female, on this very topic in just the last week or so, so this is a topic that is very near to my heart. I find it very interesting that you're a woman who is asking these questions, and I'll explain why that is in just a moment.

First. let me answer your questions.

Q. How would I react if someone were to ask me to "open up" more?

A. I'd be ECSTATIC because, truth be told, one of my favorite things in the whole world is open, honest, and deep conversation...especially with women. I'm sorry, but I'm really not too interested in men unless I'm attempting to minister the gospel to them in some manner or trying to help them work through some problem or situation in their lives.

Q. Would I be offended, or would I find no problem with it, or somewhere in between?

A. I would have no problem with it whatsoever. Instead, I have a huge problem with people who claim to care about me or who claim that they want to be my friend without showing even the slightest bit of interest in what is truly in my heart or in what type of man I truly am.

Now to why I find it interesting that you're a woman who is asking these questions...

For my entire life, I've heard or overheard woman after woman after woman after woman after woman complain that the man in their life pays no attention to them, or shows no real interest in them, or isn't thoughtful, etc., etc., etc. Well, I'm a man who is totally interested in what is in a woman's heart. In fact, I posted that somewhere on this forum a little over a year ago. Anyhow, I'm very picky or particular when it comes to women. In other words, unless I detect something in their heart that attracts me to them, I have no interest in them whatsoever...even if they're the most outwardly attractive woman ever.

Here's the weird part...

I'm also a very respectful gentleman who basically never "makes the first move". In other words, even if I like a woman, I am a respectful gentleman who totally believes in mutual consent or someone who would never seek to impose his own wants or desires upon another unless I first believed that they were mutually interested in me. Well, when women do show first interest in me, I seek to get to know what's in their hearts, and I'm denied entry time and time and time and time again. This really confuses me. In other words, why show interest in me if you're not willing to even let me know who you really are?

Granted, there are people who carry around a lot of past hurts, and have therefore built up walls around their hearts, but, even then, you would think that after a man shows himself to be patient, caring, compassionate, understanding, etc., that at least a little bit of entry would be granted unto him.

Well, I've been left standing out in the hallway enough times that I'm contemplating never even speaking to another woman again.

That's where I'm at.

Hey, you asked, and I OPENLY answered.

P.S.

My default position is this:

When someone "makes the first move" towards me, and then won't grant me access to their heart after I've shown myself worthy of the same, then I just walk away thinking that it was all just a game on their part.

Hey Live4Him3, thank you for your open response!
My heart goes out to you..I definitely see where you're coming from and share similar frustrations.

"In other words, why show interest in me if you're not willing to even let me know who you really are?" Phew! Yes.. to have been interested in, and now to not see much of the person interested in you is just...strange to me.

"Granted, there are people who carry around a lot of past hurts, and have therefore built up walls around their hearts, but, even then, you would think that after a man shows himself to be patient, caring, compassionate, understanding, etc., that at least a little bit of entry would be granted unto him." This! It best explains the situation I am currently in. I could never understand the past hurts or the experiences, I can never ask a person to simply eradicate the walls they have built up for themselves, for my sake. And yet.. I still find myself wanting even a sliver, not too much. Maybe I do not fully understand this or see past the severity these situations puts a person through, and everyone is a bit different.
But it's nice to know that I am not the only one who has felt this way, and not feel so much like an alien who wants more than is given (could be the selfishness in me, but we all have our wants). It seems you are like my male counterpart! Haha. I wish the best for you honestly, it is soo frustrating.

 

[Lynx]

Thank you!
Why, I only drive/ride the best of the best; the taxi cab! Usually filled with smoke, stained seats, and the lingering smell of someones' meal.. what an experience, and it's one that changes each time. You never know what you get! Hehe

So... Not exactly the Cash Cab.

My grandmother watches that show. I often wonder how many crew it takes to make it TV show presentable at the end of the day.

 

[Cabby]

Hi Cabby, I do find it lazy when people say that. Because if you wanted to genuinely know someone, wouldnt you ask specific questions to find out more about them? Like who was your favourite teacher at elementary? Not generic questions like can you open up with me a bit more? I wouldnt necessarily be offended but Id have a feeling of read my autobiography which sounds defensive but its not. Its just filtering out the time wasters. Take your time getting to know someone, what is the rush? You dont want them on the back foot.

Hey TheNarrowPath!
I see what you mean. I will note though that I have asked very specific questions about various topics surrounding the person including interests, work, etc some with long-ish responses and others, very short while the friends get much more than that. I do think I could very well be asking a bit too much and I know I can't simply make a person open up to me. I never thought it would be offensive to say, I use it to sorta wrap everything about that person in one word that I wish to know.. but it may be taken as a generic question as you have said and lazy.
I suppose it would have been a bit easier to understand a simple "no" or if it could be explained more to me so that I get why, or a "not yet, I'm not ready to talk about it" besides the response I was given.
Thank you for responding though, and I will cretainly take that into consideration.

 

[Magenta]

There's a difference between saying, "I'd like to get to know you better," and,
"I wish you would open up more with me." Can you see it? The first clearly
communicates interest without criticism. The second does not.

 

[Magenta]

In response to my questioning, I am told by this person that to the people who ask them this question, it's lazy to ask such a thing..
that people should put in more work to figure out which parts are the open parts, because to them they are open all the time

This is contradictory

 

[Cabby]

There's a difference between saying, "I'd like to get to know you better," and,
"I wish you would open up more with me." Can you see it? The first clearly
communicates interest without criticism. The second does not.

Yes! Thank you, I see what you mean there. I don't usually catch these little differences in wording so appreciate you pointing it out!

This is contradictory

Right yes I think so too. I believe if a person is open, I wouldn't really have to guess most of the time.. unless I'm missing something.