Christian courtship - what does it entail??

[Jackieboy100]

In a recent posting in another thread, the concept of courtship came up and I suddenly realize that I have no clue what is courtship for Christians. Since I got saved, I have never been in a relationship. so I do not know what is expected of a Christian during that critical period when they are trying to nurture a relationship for potential marriage.

Married or not, any insights??

 

[TheNarrowPath]

Social distance at least 6 feet, wear masks also so no hanky panky.
Jokes aside I have no idea. When I think about my most peaceful relationship it is with God. I wonder why this doesnt translate to being with others.

 

[Hazelelponi]

In a recent posting in another thread, the concept of courtship came up and I suddenly realize that I have no clue what is courtship for Christians. Since I got saved, I have never been in a relationship. so I do not know what is expected of a Christian during that critical period when they are trying to nurture a relationship for potential marriage.

Married or not, any insights??

In general I believe most Christians just wing it, do their best to be Christian in a secular western nation - which makes most Christians dating experience remarkably similar to the non believers.

My husband and I knew one another in person, had contact with one another when with a group of people, and 1 on 1 "dated" online. We never so much as held hands.

What we talked about were religion and politics, and when alone online we talked about religion, politics and what we liked/disliked in a potential marriage partner, what our individual strengths and weaknesses were, and what we expected out of a marriage etc etc ( all the religion and politics talking was because those are our main interests)

When we decided that it was worth the cost to do so, we got married. Simple and not so simple.

I wouldn't overthink it too much, you'll figure it out when you meet someone you want to get to know more about, but it's pretty easy to keep it as conservative as you like in the modern world.

 

[Lanolin]

I have absolutely no idea, maybe you just do what everyone else does except fight over which church to go to instead of fighting over other stuff.

He: I go to the blue church
she: I go to the pink church

Both: Is there a PURPLE church we can BOTH go to?

 

[Jackieboy100]

Social distance at least 6 feet, wear masks also so no hanky panky.
Jokes aside I have no idea. When I think about my most peaceful relationship it is with God. I wonder why this doesnt translate to being with others.

In my mind, being at peace with God and working to establish a relationship with a mate, aren't mutually exclusive. I just wonder if born again christians have or are expexted to go through some kind of protocol that eventually ends up in marriage. Can they go to see movies, dine out, go on excursions etc. or are they just meant to be religious and just keep all their activivties centered around bible studies??

 

[Hazelelponi]

In my mind, being at peace with God and working to establish a relationship with a mate, aren't mutually exclusive. I just wonder if born again christians have or are expexted to go through some kind of protocol that eventually ends up in marriage. Can they go to see movies, dine out, go on excursions etc. or are they just meant to be religious and just keep all their activivties centered around bible studies??

if both you and your potential future suitor feel comfortable within your faith doing so without temptation entering into the fray, then I'm sure things like dinner and a movie are fine.

It's what you are comfortable exposing yourself to in the end, as standing before God.

Not every one who is Christian has the same opinions about dating and how far is too far.

Basically you have to ask yourself about what avoiding even the appearance of sin means to you.

 

[Live4Him3]

In my mind, being at peace with God and working to establish a relationship with a mate, aren't mutually exclusive. I just wonder if born again christians have or are expexted to go through some kind of protocol that eventually ends up in marriage. Can they go to see movies, dine out, go on excursions etc. or are they just meant to be religious and just keep all their activivties centered around bible studies??

Personally, I don't believe that all of your activities would need to be centered around Bible studies, BUT I would heartily suggest that you and any potential spouse sit down and seriously discuss what Biblical marriage is all about.

For one thing, it is meant to be a natural reflection of the spiritual union between Christ and the church.

For another thing, the husband and the wife each have different roles within said marriage, and it's best to make sure that you're both on the same page as far as that is concerned before ever saying "I do".

Dining out?

Movies?

Excursions?

Sure, as long as they don't include anything sinful.

 

[Jackieboy100]

In general I believe most Christians just wing it, do their best to be Christian in a secular western nation - which makes most Christians dating experience remarkably similar to the non believers.

My husband and I knew one another in person, had contact with one another when with a group of people, and 1 on 1 "dated" online. We never so much as held hands.

What we talked about were religion and politics, and when alone online we talked about religion, politics and what we liked/disliked in a potential marriage partner, what our individual strengths and weaknesses were, and what we expected out of a marriage etc etc ( all the religion and politics talking was because those are our main interests)

When we decided that it was worth the cost to do so, we got married. Simple and not so simple.

I wouldn't overthink it too much, you'll figure it out when you meet someone you want to get to know more about, but it's pretty easy to keep it as conservative as you like in the modern world.

Sounds like you and your husband had a great courting period and the fact that it brought you both closer (and more in love), made for an ideal way to build and fortify a relationship built on genuine Christian principles. I was worried that fun stuffs such as movies, dining out etc. are all off limits

In general I believe most Christians just wing it, do their best to be Christian in a secular western nation - which makes most Christians dating experience remarkably similar to the non believers.

My husband and I knew one another in person, had contact with one another when with a group of people, and 1 on 1 "dated" online. We never so much as held hands.

What we talked about were religion and politics, and when alone online we talked about religion, politics and what we liked/disliked in a potential marriage partner, what our individual strengths and weaknesses were, and what we expected out of a marriage etc etc ( all the religion and politics talking was because those are our main interests)

When we decided that it was worth the cost to do so, we got married. Simple and not so simple.

I wouldn't overthink it too much, you'll figure it out when you meet someone you want to get to know more about, but it's pretty easy to keep it as conservative as you like in the modern world.

Sounds like you and your husband had a great courting experience and I'm sure brought you closer (and more in love), which made it easy to naturally progress to the sanctity of the beautiful marriage that you now have. I have a feeling that it isn't a 'one size fits all' kind type affair but knowing that there are some things that will definitely go against the word of God as you describe, is such great information and help. Thank you for your take. You're a star!!!

 

[Jackieboy100]

if both you and your potential future suitor feel comfortable within your faith doing so without temptation entering into the fray, then I'm sure things like dinner and a movie are fine.

It's what you are comfortable exposing yourself to in the end, as standing before God.

Not every one who is Christian has the same opinions about dating and how far is too far.

Basically you have to ask yourself about what avoiding even the appearance of sin means to you.

I think also, before you venture out socially with a potential partner, you both would have several hours of quality time talking and getting to know each others personalities through communications over the phone, through chats, emails etc. I am anticipating this because this is how it usually is for general everyday folks who aren't Christians, serving the lord. Are there topics that can be awkward or uncomfortable to talk about or is it better to just stay away from such topics (eg. past experiences, bad family situations etc.)??

 

[Jackieboy100]

Personally, I don't believe that all of your activities would need to be centered around Bible studies, BUT I would heartily suggest that you and any potential spouse sit down and seriously discuss what Biblical marriage is all about.

For one thing, it is meant to be a natural reflection of the spiritual union between Christ and the church.

For another thing, the husband and the wife each have different roles within said marriage, and it's best to make sure that you're both on the same page as far as that is concerned before ever saying "I do".

Dining out?

Movies?

Excursions?

Sure, as long as they don't include anything sinful.

For those who go to church and swear by their pastors, this is where the so-called christian councelling comes in, I beleive. For others, how do you like start this kind of discussion or conversation without it connoting a daunting venture. If you know what I mean?

 

[Live4Him3]

For those who go to church and swear by their pastors, this is where the so-called christian councelling comes in, I beleive. For others, how do you like start this kind of discussion or conversation without it connoting a daunting venture. If you know what I mean?

Just start it.

It's an exceedingly important discussion, and not having it is almost sure to wreak havoc somewhere down the line.

My ex and I not only had that discussion before we were married, but I actually preached a sermon on that topic at my wedding.

Are there topics that can be awkward or uncomfortable to talk about or is it better to just stay away from such topics (eg. past experiences, bad family situations etc.)??

Maybe I'm from another planet or something (and I actually say that to people all of the time in real life), but I believe that people need to be open and honest with each other...come what may.

I mean, what's the alternative?

Closed and dishonest?

If you're considering spending the rest of life together with somebody, then there needs to be open and honest communication between the two of you.

I still recall something that my ex said to me very early on in our marriage. We were lying next to each other in bed, and she turned to me and asked "Do I need to tell you things now that we're married?"

Her question was unsolicited by anything that I had said or done, but, truth be told, she never really told me anything about herself. I found out a lot of things along the way, but I pretty much didn't know anything about her before we were married. I definitely didn't know that her father had sexually molested her repeatedly as a child between the ages of 5 and 6 years old. I discovered that through a series of events about 1 month into our marriage, and, believe me, that past trauma greatly affected our marriage in more ways than one.

 

[Live4Him3]

*at my wedding reception

*the rest of your life

 

[Jackieboy100]

Just start it.

It's an exceedingly important discussion, and not having it is almost sure to wreak havoc somewhere down the line.

My ex and I not only had that discussion before we were married, but I actually preached a sermon on that topic at my wedding.

Maybe I'm from another planet or something (and I actually say that to people all of the time in real life), but I believe that people need to be open and honest with each other...come what may.

I mean, what's the alternative?

Closed and dishonest?

If you're considering spending the rest of life together with somebody, then there needs to be open and honest communication between the two of you.

I still recall something that my ex said to me very early on in our marriage. We were lying next to each other in bed, and she turned to me and asked "Do I need to tell you things now that we're married?"

Her question was unsolicited by anything that I had said or done, but, truth be told, she never really told me anything about herself. I found out a lot of things along the way, but I pretty much didn't know anything about her before we were married. I definitely didn't know that her father had sexually molested her repeatedly as a child between the ages of 5 and 6 years old. I discovered that through a series of events about 1 month into our marriage, and, believe me, that past trauma greatly affected our marriage in more ways than one.

Well I was not a born again Christian when I married my ex-husband and so suffice to say that was never going to be a part of any of our conversations. The one that was worse was that I did not mention any of the stife between my sister and I, which had been ongoing for almost all our lives, thinking that it would cast a bad light on my family. I wish I did because what happen next was not necessarily shocking but plain regret. I prefer not to talk about it out publicly but I have learned that if someone cares about you, love and respect you, you can tell them anything because they don't see you through the eyes of the past but through what they have come to know about you, through interacting with you. Being a Born again Christian has given me a whole new perspective on love, intimate relationship and ultimately marriage. It is indeed great to meet people like you here who have great insights, personal experiences and spiritual maturity that people like us can 'piggy back' on. Thank you so much!

 

[Live4Him3]

I prefer not to talk about it out publicly but I have learned that if someone cares about you, love and respect you, you can tell them anything because they don't see you through the eyes of the past but through what they have come to know about you, through interacting with you.

I couldn't possibly agree with you more on this point.

Sad to say, and I mean heartbreakingly sad to say, it's been my own desire to really know certain women in the past that has been my own downfall. I'm as open and honest as they come (contrary to the opinions of certain forum members here), and I truly do like/need to know what's in a woman's heart if I'm ever to have any sort of genuine relationship with her whatsoever. That said, there have been women who simply wouldn't grant me that access, not even over an extended period of time, and that was basically the end of that.

I'm a lot more interested in what's in a woman's heart and mind than I am in her body or outward appearance.

Take away her heart and mind, and I've pretty much lost all attraction or interest.

Being a Born again Christian has given me a whole new perspective on love, intimate relationship and ultimately marriage.

I'm happy to hear that. As I said on another thread recently, a Christian's capacity to love ought to be increasing constantly as he or she is more and more conformed to the image of him (Jesus) who is love personified.

It is indeed great to meet people like you here who have great insights, personal experiences and spiritual maturity that people like us can 'piggy back' on. Thank you so much!

Well, I appreciate your kind words, but yours is definitely the minority opinion here. In other words, there's no shortage of people on this website who basically hate my guts, and a lot of them are women. You should see some of the "fan mail" that I get.

It is what it is.

 

[TheNarrowPath]

In my mind, being at peace with God and working to establish a relationship with a mate, aren't mutually exclusive. I just wonder if born again christians have or are expexted to go through some kind of protocol that eventually ends up in marriage. Can they go to see movies, dine out, go on excursions etc. or are they just meant to be religious and just keep all their activivties centered around bible studies??

I think those activities would be fine, it would only be an issue if establishing a relationship with a Christian takes away from your relationship with God, right? What I meant by my post is that a lot of people usually want to rush to be joined with someone but there was no rush with God for most of us, He is there, we can rely on Him to be here. But with men and women there seems to be an urgency to join and is that a good thing?

 

[melita916]

i only had 2 relationships in my life, and i married the 2nd guy i dated lol.

we were friends for 6 months before we went on a date. during that time, all we did was have conversations of all clean subjects. i liked him pretty early on because he's super nice and a gentleman. we lived 2 hrs apart, so our dates were day dates. we would go out to eat, and usually walk in the park. he eventually asked me to be his girlfriend.

 

[TheNarrowPath]

i only had 2 relationships in my life, and i married the 2nd guy i dated lol.

we were friends for 6 months before we went on a date. during that time, all we did was have conversations of all clean subjects. i liked him pretty early on because he's super nice and a gentleman. we lived 2 hrs apart, so our dates were day dates. we would go out to eat, and usually walk in the park. he eventually asked me to be his girlfriend.

Curious, when did you go from conversations about "clean" subjects to talking about everything? Was it in the dating stage or when you got married?

 

[melita916]

Curious, when did you go from conversations about "clean" subjects to talking about everything? Was it in the dating stage or when you got married?

while dating, we talked about the future. a month into our relationship, he told me he was going to marry me. i know for some that would have scared them off, but for me, it let me know we weren't wasting each other's time. (we were also in our 30s, so it was awesome to know his intentions.) as we got closer, more subjects surfaced, including past mistakes and how we wanted things differently in the relationship. once we were engaged, we talked about expectations of married life, including sex.

 

[Lanolin]

I think most churches have premarital counselling you can both go to to go through stuff together, its like a list of what married life is going to be like. Probably for those whove never been married before and dont know what to expect (although you would think they would learn from their parents example) but then again not everyone actually has parents.

 

[Hazelelponi]

I think also, before you venture out socially with a potential partner, you both would have several hours of quality time talking and getting to know each others personalities through communications over the phone, through chats, emails etc. I am anticipating this because this is how it usually is for general everyday folks who aren't Christians, serving the lord. Are there topics that can be awkward or uncomfortable to talk about or is it better to just stay away from such topics (eg. past experiences, bad family situations etc.)??

Yes, there can be awkward and uncomfortable topics but those - those are honestly the most important topics to bring up.

I found it's like ripping off a bandaid - just do it. Because those kinds of things are the most likely to affect your marriage if you don't. No secrets, no hidden parts of your past. You have to put everything on the table.

So, bandaid. Say it all

I think the main thing is knowing when the right time to talk about that kind of thing is. It's generally the most intimate part of who you are so not something you talk about on day 1, but likewise, if you wait too long you don't want to seem like you were intentionally keeping important things from the potential spouse.

So timing is the most difficult aspect. I would say when you really start seriously talking marriage, that's when, if not just a little before that. And yes... It's putting yourself out there but there's no alternative - it must be done.