What annoys me about people telling single Christians about dating

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.

Dirtman

Well-known member
Jul 19, 2022
1,151
441
83
Sadly since my 20's I have put major efforts into dating and had GOD's hand get in the way many times. I've had friends at church tell me...."John you're not married, but it's not for lack of trying" Others have said....."John, you have done everything anyone could have asked you, it just hasn't happened" or "John, I don't know of anyone who has put so much into dating and come up with nothing"
Wow. You are trying too hard. Stop dating and get married already. Meet a woman tell her you are tired of games. You just want to have a good wife. Exchange disclosure statements read them and if the core values fit get married.
 

SomeDisciple

Well-known member
Jul 4, 2021
2,271
1,050
113
Who said anything about fornicating to find a mate? The rule GOD has for singles is no sex before marriage. It some churches and Christians who added no dating to that.

Their heart is in the wrong place? How so? They're doing what Paul said to do.
Their hearts are in the wrong place because it has to be Jesus that is keeping you from sin, not your wife, or your kids. It's just like your earned wages should not be what is stopping you from selling drugs, or prostituting yourself, or robbing a bank. Take note that "to avoid fornication" is only rendered that way in the KJV. As if fornication is some atom-bomb coming at you, and you run to the marriage bomb-shellter to avoid getting blown away- no. That's not a correct understanding.

With respect to church "dating rules" it is hit and miss. Some are smart, and others are actually counter productive. Some of the things you seem to take issue with are biblical- while others are not. If a rule is there to help you make sober judgements,, it's probably a good rule. If it's there to control and make judgements for you; it's probably not.
 

Dirtman

Well-known member
Jul 19, 2022
1,151
441
83
It's just like your earned wages should not be what is stopping you from selling drugs, or prostituting yourself, or robbing a bank
Yet it is a proven sociological fact that people who have gainful employment are by a large margin less likely to commit crimes.
So its natural human nature to seek security in natural needs. Seems like that is how God made us. Even the Bible say " dont despise a man who steals for food."
It is good Godly reasoning to seek the healthy way to fulfill needs and that subsequently the unhealthy way becomes unnecessary.
 

JohnB

Well-known member
Jul 31, 2022
2,078
456
83
Calif
Their hearts are in the wrong place because it has to be Jesus that is keeping you from sin, not your wife, or your kids. It's just like your earned wages should not be what is stopping you from selling drugs, or prostituting yourself, or robbing a bank. Take note that "to avoid fornication" is only rendered that way in the KJV. As if fornication is some atom-bomb coming at you, and you run to the marriage bomb-shellter to avoid getting blown away- no. That's not a correct understanding.

With respect to church "dating rules" it is hit and miss. Some are smart, and others are actually counter productive. Some of the things you seem to take issue with are biblical- while others are not. If a rule is there to help you make sober judgements,, it's probably a good rule. If it's there to control and make judgements for you; it's probably not.
The purity movement was NOT biblical. Paul was very clear, it is marriage that keeps many from fornication.
 

JohnB

Well-known member
Jul 31, 2022
2,078
456
83
Calif
Wow. You are trying too hard. Stop dating and get married already. Meet a woman tell her you are tired of games. You just want to have a good wife. Exchange disclosure statements read them and if the core values fit get married.
Did you read what I posted? I said I was out there looking and got nowhere, as if GOD's hand kept getting in the way.
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
9,164
1,794
113
It is not. And what ya said about having a good wife is true. Having a health natural sexual relationship with a good wife can keep a man out of places he shouldnt be. Like porn sites on the internet, and away from e girls and away from sites like tinder.
So get a good wife.
I think he's trying.

Getting married doesn't guarantee that a man won't be temped to look at porn or find girls on tinder. Married men have to work out their own salvation with fear and trembling, too, but a good marriage (including the sexual component of such a marriage) helps reduce temptation.
 

SomeDisciple

Well-known member
Jul 4, 2021
2,271
1,050
113
I think you have had a unique set of experiences. I haven't seen a number of these things in church-- pushing people to marry within the church, pushing them to marry off. Some east Asian churches may do that a bit. I could see how it could be a problem if a church were overly controlling and even cult-like from a sociological perspective.
Uncommon, perhaps. Not unique, though. It's not hard for me to find people in or out of church with a negative attitude about singles or themselves being single.
 

JohnB

Well-known member
Jul 31, 2022
2,078
456
83
Calif
It is not. And what ya said about having a good wife is true. Having a health natural sexual relationship with a good wife can keep a man out of places he shouldnt be. Like porn sites on the internet, and away from e girls and away from sites like tinder.
So get a good wife.

I gave up on meeting any woman at Calvary Chapel, when they got so deep into the purity movement they made physical contact before marriage a sin. Any woman going along with that I wasn't interested in.
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
9,164
1,794
113
The purity movement was NOT biblical. Paul was very clear, it is marriage that keeps many from fornication.
I am not exactly where the boundaries are of the purity movement, but did part of it teach marrying young to prevent fornication... but they also had... or have a lot of restrictions on dating. I was overseas when 'purity movement' became a saying, I think.
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
9,164
1,794
113
I gave up on meeting any woman at Calvary Chapel, when they got so deep into the purity movement they made physical contact before marriage a sin. Any woman going along with that I wasn't interested in.
Do you care about looks? If not, I might have some women to set you up with?

(Just kidding.)
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
9,164
1,794
113
I gave up on meeting any woman at Calvary Chapel, when they got so deep into the purity movement they made physical contact before marriage a sin. Any woman going along with that I wasn't interested in.
My memory is kind of fuzzy on this, but aren't you a cessationist, and CC is Charismatic?
 

JohnB

Well-known member
Jul 31, 2022
2,078
456
83
Calif
I am not exactly where the boundaries are of the purity movement, but did part of it teach marrying young to prevent fornication... but they also had... or have a lot of restrictions on dating. I was overseas when 'purity movement' became a saying, I think.
I am not exactly where the boundaries are of the purity movement, but did part of it teach marrying young to prevent fornication... but they also had... or have a lot of restrictions on dating. I was overseas when 'purity movement' became a saying, I think.

The purity movement push being a virgin before marriage as their goal. Where does that put the person who has already had sex or is divorced? It was always stressed for the women and not the men.
 

SomeDisciple

Well-known member
Jul 4, 2021
2,271
1,050
113
Yet it is a proven sociological fact that people who have gainful employment are by a large margin less likely to commit crimes.
So its natural human nature to seek security in natural needs. Seems like that is how God made us. Even the Bible say " dont despise a man who steals for food."
It is good Godly reasoning to seek the healthy way to fulfill needs and that subsequently the unhealthy way becomes unnecessary.
I agree with the sociological facts, and human nature- but that's not the point, is it? We're not sanctified by natural means. A horse is a false hope for victory.
 

JohnB

Well-known member
Jul 31, 2022
2,078
456
83
Calif
Do you care about looks? If not, I might have some women to set you up with?

(Just kidding.)
There has to be mutual attraction. Something I found funny with some Christians. They would ask me, "Why should looks matter?" I would tell them, ok, let me tell your wife you didn't marry her for her looks" They stopped me from doing that. LOL
 

JohnB

Well-known member
Jul 31, 2022
2,078
456
83
Calif
My memory is kind of fuzzy on this, but aren't you a cessationist, and CC is Charismatic?

I went to Calvary Chapel for many years. Taught a Sunday School class there. I enjoyed Pastor Chuck's teaching, but hated when they went into the purity movement. It really destroyed the singles group.
 

presidente

Senior Member
May 29, 2013
9,164
1,794
113
There has to be mutual attraction. Something I found funny with some Christians. They would ask me, "Why should looks matter?" I would tell them, ok, let me tell your wife you didn't marry her for her looks" They stopped me from doing that. LOL
In the Old Testament, if a foreign nation picked a fight with Israel, a distant nation not one of the seven nations they could not intermarry with, and Israel defeated them, they could bring back virgins as slaves. If a man saw a __beautiful__ woman among the slaves, he could marry her after mourning rituals were completed.

The Hebrew word for 'beautiful' does not have to just be about looks, but I think it is a component.

I wanted a pretty one. If I'd have been single until now, I don't think I could marry a stout individual who is showing one's age....like myself. A woman would have to be younger and prettier than I am to be interested. I am glad my wife has kept a youthful appearance and form, amazingly. I went to her high school reunion a few years back in Indonesia, and this woman I met for the first time said to me in Indonesian, "I used to be pretty" or something like that. She'd been talking to my wife about how young she looked. Looks were important to me, but I didn't want to give up other requirements-- virginity, character, etc.-- when I was looking to get looks. It would probably be better to compromise on the looks than that.

If you focus a bit less on looks, though, it might be easier to find a wife.

They say people end up fairly evenly matched for looks. I can't tell if a man is good-looking. I couldn't tell if I was good-looking. My mom told me I was, so I guess I was. She said I was about as good looking as Courtney Cox-- that was back when she was young. That was encouraging...but it was my mom. A friend of mine said when we were young, I was on par with looks with my wife. He didn't say about now, and I didn't ask. She hasn't shown her age much.
 

Dirtman

Well-known member
Jul 19, 2022
1,151
441
83
I think he's trying.

Getting married doesn't guarantee that a man won't be temped to look at porn or find girls on tinder. Married men have to work out their own salvation with fear and trembling, too, but a good marriage (including the sexual component of such a marriage) helps reduce temptation.
Apart from Jesus is Lord. There arent any guarantees in this life and world.
 

Dirtman

Well-known member
Jul 19, 2022
1,151
441
83
I gave up on meeting any woman at Calvary Chapel, when they got so deep into the purity movement they made physical contact before marriage a sin. Any woman going along with that I wasn't interested in.
Thats because Calvary Chapel is folks playing at church.
 

Dirtman

Well-known member
Jul 19, 2022
1,151
441
83
I agree with the sociological facts, and human nature- but that's not the point, is it? We're not sanctified by natural means. A horse is a false hope for victory.
Your not sanctified by drinking water but If you don't you will die within a couple of days.
What is needful for life in this world is necessary for a sanctified life. So every human has needs those needs if fulfilled in a healthy manner are good for life and life of living is good for a sanctified life.
 

JohnB

Well-known member
Jul 31, 2022
2,078
456
83
Calif
Sometimes it's knowing GOD is leading you in a way you have nothing but a hatred for. At one point I know GOD spoke to me and said, until she comes into your life. you will hate this every step of the way.