Trying to save my marriage

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Tararose said:
I think CBT if used right can be a biblical approach, and its great you found a treatment that helped. With something so varying as mental health, i can see that as with some other health problems, it can at times be a trial and error approach to treatment, as some treatments work better with certain people. I have friends that taking pills has worked for and some it really has not helped, some found counselling helped them get through or overcome problems, while others like myself found it a bit patronising and pointless. For me it was mostly prayer and time that got me through a very dark period, but i know others who refused meds and counselling etc and sadly ended up killing themselves or making very serious attempts to.

That is why i offer prayer and support but then try and leave it to professionals when it comes to mental health. You just never know.
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I'm with you until you want to "try and leave it to the professionals". A professional only means they have been educated in their field to include Christian counselors. That in no way means they are even going to be able to help or even care whether they do. I have seen enough so called professionals in the mental health and regular health fields to learn that for most of them helping people is not their primary motivation, but are instead motivated towards generating repeat customers.
 
Handyman62 said:
I'm with you until you want to "try and leave it to the professionals". A professional only means they have been educated in their field to include Christian counselors. That in no way means they are even going to be able to help or even care whether they do. I have seen enough so called professionals in the mental health and regular health fields to learn that for most of them helping people is not their primary motivation, but are instead motivated towards generating repeat customers.
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I don't doubt there are some who treat helping others (in many if not all professions, even when preaching the gospel!) as a cash cow sadly, and I am really sorry you had inadequate, or the wrong sort of help offered when you needed something else.

I am glad you eventually got the help you needed though. I too didn't find some of the help offered to me to be of much use, and in the end was okay with prayer etc. without seeking further therapy. However, I have also seen firsthand the danger of what can happen to those who quite possibly need the sort of help I didn't find useful, but who who refuse it, often without even trying it.

We can each only all go with our own convictions at times like this and advise as best we can, and as our own consciences allow, and its okay that we differ there. The OP can sift through and let God speak to her the way He wants through the posts or through other means as He sees fit. The blessings of differing opinions is that they can often be helpful to different people at different times. :)

I believe God can lead any of us, if we trust in Him, to what is going to work for us personally. It is great that you and I eventually got through our difficulties, despite it being in different ways, and I hope the OP finds that an encouragement and a motivation to pray and find what works best for her too, and that she can get the help she needs personally and for her marriage.

God bless :)
 
Locoponydirtman said:
Im not trying to be critical of you. I really do want what is best for you and your family.
To me it would be a great sin to treat you differently or to look at you in a judgemental way if you came to me for pastoral care (i am not a pastor). A pastor shod be well aqainted with the raveges of sin upon the world, culture, and the family, and the individual. And if I were pastor, I would see it as a great faith for a person or family to come to me for care in their times of woe.To see a person as less for seeking help and repentant of sin as wrong or bad is the evil that Jesus warned of concerning judgement
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I agree that it is wrong to see a person as less for seeking help. It doesn't help that I already feel judged by my pastor and his family.
 
Handyman62 said:
I have been through an unwanted divorce and really wished I had had more of a chance to change things before it was to late. One minute I was married and felt I would be until I passed and the next I was told she was divorcing me and didn't want me around any more. Although her reasons remain a mystery I know that menopause played a major role in it. I watched her go from this happy, loving, laugh at my jokes kind of person to a someone who took offense at everything I said.

I bring that up because maybe the feelings and outburst you are having are hormone related. Perhaps having some hormone test would offer some incite. I tried to get my ex to have her hormone levels tested while we were still married but she refused claiming there was nothing wrong with her. She had many of the classic symptoms of menopause so to me it obvious what it was.

I would also caution you about going to a Doctor or Therapist who wants to give you antidepressants. I was given them by my Doctor when I started suffering from a ruptured disc in my neck and the treatments I was initially given didn't help. The antidepressants didn't help with the pain but they did help me to not care about the fact that I wasn't being helped by my Doctor for the actual problem. Unfortunately shortly after that I became truly depressed and spent many years trying every antidepressant made and never felt any better. I finally weened myself off them. I can't say I feel a lot better but at least I'm no longer on the roller coaster of up and downs that can come from changing over to a new antidepressant.

There are alternatives that can help and I have gotten some help from whats called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It basically helps a person to retrain the brain and steer it away from negative thoughts and emotions. How much it helps is directly related to how much effort a person puts into it. I personally haven't put enough effort into it but what little I have has made a noticeable difference. It's not a mystical or mysterious thing and the exercises are easy but it does take some persistence to see results.
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Honestly cannot tell you if menopause is happening. Sometimes I think it is, and other times, not so much.

I am pretty sure my husband is going through a mid-life crisis. There have been mood changes, wardrobe changes, and not sleeping well, and other things. I just want someone to talk to. Somebody who can help me stay in the right frame of mind while I help encourage him and help him get through the struggles he is going through.
 
To the OP - it is really good that you want to deal with your failings, and that you haven't simply thrown back like for like accusations etc. Being humble is a wonderful place to start, and I hope and pray that you get the help you need to be able to cope with daily life and walk in the spirit rather than in the flesh amidst all the daily trials and pressures of life. We all need that and we all fall short.

Just remember that you and your husband committed to a life long agreement before God when you got married.
You don't really have any say in it from that point on, GOD has joined you together and made you one. It isn't a process you can undo even if you walk away from each other. He is answerable to God for that, just as you are. You are not responsible for his failure to keep that commitment. Just look to God and do your best to sort out what you can, and love as much as you can, and let God deal with your husband.

Praying for you[/QUOTE]


Thank you! I have been praying for my husband since he told me on May 26. I have been trying to do things that make him happy and help him out more. His father has since passed. Father's day was hard, on him and us.
I have told my husband that I know he is a "Man of God", that his father, a retired pastor, raised him right.

I know God is listening, but right now, I really feel like he is not. Trying to keep my faith and I don't know where to turn.
 
Does your husband realize the full cost of a divorce? The pain to you, the kids, his parents, your parents, and others. Holidays will no longer be enjoyed, but will be a tug of war as to who goes where. So hard on the kids. And God hates this all to the point of classifying it as adultery if he marries someone else. Such a cost!

And as for the list of faults, most any couple would produce a similar list. I think a list of my faults would be much longer!

I feel for you and will pray for your marriage tonight.
 
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MichaelZ said:
Does your husband realize the full cost of a divorce? The pain to you, the kids, his parents, your parents, and others. Holidays will no longer be enjoyed, but will be a tug of war as to who goes where. So hard on the kids. And God hates this all to the point of classifying it as adultery if he marries someone else. Such a cost!

And as for the list of faults, most any couple would produce a similar list. I think a list of my faults would be much longer!

I feel for you and will pray for your marriage tonight.
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I don't know if he realizes the full weight of divorce, but I know I do. I am the product of divorced parents, and my mom was the second marriage for my dad.

Because I am the product of divorced parents, when we were talking engagement, I told my husband that I wanted to know that divorce was not an option for me. I saw what it did to my parents, I saw what it did to me and my sisters, and I wanted him to agree. He did.

So far, we have maintained that. Thursday marked our 21st anniversary.

I have had days where I said he would be better off without me but I stuck with it.

We need to talk. I know we need to talk, but I cannot get him to open up to me. For anything.

He is hurting. His dad passed. Several people we know have passed. I am hurting. I just want to curl into a fetal position and cry right now. He is at his mom's house talking to her. I finally told her what he told me when he said he was going over to see her after getting upset with me for checking on him.

Kids are asking me questions, and I don't know anything. I need help! I need encouragement. I need Jesus with skin on right now! And it seems that He is no where in sight!
 
Is saving a marriage worth it if you lose your sanity? I know married people who went to counselling with both professional therapists and pastors but still got divorced. It is pointless if only one of the couple wants to save the marriage.
If you really want to save the marriage, give him a chance, a time to evaluate his feelings. Give him a break, go on a long vacation. Maybe he will miss you. Are you ok to be with someone who does not care about you anymore? Do your part in trying to bring back the lost spark. Good luck.
 
Tinkerbell725 said:
Is saving a marriage worth it if you lose your sanity? I know married people who went to counselling with both professional therapists and pastors but still got divorced. It is pointless if only one of the couple wants to save the marriage.
If you really want to save the marriage, give him a chance, a time to evaluate his feelings. Give him a break, go on a long vacation. Maybe he will miss you. Are you ok to be with someone who does not care about you anymore? Do your part in trying to bring back the lost spark. Good luck.
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Tinkerbell,
I am putting my faith in God. God tells us that he detests divorce. And I know my kids! This would tear them apart. After losing their grandfather, I don't know that they could handle this.

Through my prayers, I know that I will come out on the other side of this. I know that God will save my marriage. At least that is what I think God is telling me.

I have seen my husband make some changes recently. Some changes that are big signs of a mid-life crisis. Signs I should have noticed, but didn't. I believe God brought us together.

To be honest though, your comments are not helping. I want comments and thoughts that are founded in Biblical teaching.
 
MathTchr said:
I don't know if he realizes the full weight of divorce, but I know I do. I am the product of divorced parents, and my mom was the second marriage for my dad.

Because I am the product of divorced parents, when we were talking engagement, I told my husband that I wanted to know that divorce was not an option for me. I saw what it did to my parents, I saw what it did to me and my sisters, and I wanted him to agree. He did.

So far, we have maintained that. Thursday marked our 21st anniversary.

I have had days where I said he would be better off without me but I stuck with it.

We need to talk. I know we need to talk, but I cannot get him to open up to me. For anything.

He is hurting. His dad passed. Several people we know have passed. I am hurting. I just want to curl into a fetal position and cry right now. He is at his mom's house talking to her. I finally told her what he told me when he said he was going over to see her after getting upset with me for checking on him.

Kids are asking me questions, and I don't know anything. I need help! I need encouragement. I need Jesus with skin on right now! And it seems that He is no where in sight!
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important to not be changed for the worse in times like these imo
If you were corny, yet friendly before, then be corny and friendly still.

How about going out and praying for people, and preaching the Gospel

https://www.youtube.com/@TheLastReformation/search?query=Gospel
https://www.youtube.com/@TheLastReformation/search?query=healed
https://www.youtube.com/@WINDSORONFIRE

Making sure we ourselves have the foundation in Hebrews 6:1-2. I imagine either repentance, or the devil himself, so to speak, will come out of your close family members as a result, but you will know you're on the right path.
 
MathTchr said:
Tinkerbell,
I am putting my faith in God. God tells us that he detests divorce. And I know my kids! This would tear them apart. After losing their grandfather, I don't know that they could handle this.

Through my prayers, I know that I will come out on the other side of this. I know that God will save my marriage. At least that is what I think God is telling me.

I have seen my husband make some changes recently. Some changes that are big signs of a mid-life crisis. Signs I should have noticed, but didn't. I believe God brought us together.

To be honest though, your comments are not helping. I want comments and thoughts that are founded in Biblical teaching.
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All men go through some form of a mid life crisis but for most it passes without to much happening because of it. I think you should not be focusing some much on that but instead take a look at what you are doing both the good and bad. Think about what you know your husband likes. You have been married long enough to know what they are.
Concentrate on those things as much as you can and fight for your marriage by killing him with kindness. I firmly believe that men are most content when being served and catered to by their wives. I would also suggest you minimize asking him what he wants and just do what you know he likes.
Don't question his authority either. Also try and not let him think you are doing those things just to make him happy. Instead try and give him the impression you want to do those things because it also makes you happy.
And if he doesn't want to open up about what he's feeling or what's going on then please don't push him. Most men don't want to open up unless they're ready and some never will.
 
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