Struggling very hard with lust & shame

[hellograce]

I had an experience last week.

Me and my God-fearing date got intimate, in his car, no less.

Needless to say, the level of shame I have is incredible. I am ashamed of what I did and what manifested because of it.

He is very attractive to me, especially mentally. I love his talks. I love his prayers. He is incredibly intelligent and I love that. One night, in his car, he was showing me songs he likes. He put on a throwback ~love~ song and kissed me. He kissed me and put his hands between my legs. I didn’t stop him and truthfully, in that moment, I didn’t want him to. This is part of the shame.

We did *everything* in that car.

Everything.

I went home high as kite off of pure satisfaction. And then I woke up.

Lord, the shame.

How can I do this? How could he? What even happened? The shame was mixed with the sudden intense, obsessive thoughts I began to have about sex, and not just sex in general, but sex with *him*. I think about those moments with him *all day long*. I am lusting for him in terrible way.

It feels like that one moment has unlocked this seedy part of my mind that can’t be controlled. It is disturbing and I have not experienced it before (and I have been sexually actively before this moment).

I have no idea how to move forward here. I pray about it, of course. But what I need is some direction. Please, advice welcome from anyone. Especially people who have struggled with lust/shame.

1. How to pray about this? (Verses welcomed)
2. How do you deal with sexual feelings as a single Christian?

 

[Lynx]

So you have been sexually active before, but never had this much trouble with sexual fantasies before?

So... It's not the act that bothers you so much as how you are thinking about sex all the time now?

Just trying to clarify what you are going for before we go anywhere else with this.

 

[cinder]

As I'm reading your story:

God-fearing date? That seems an odd way to phrase it if the two of you are in any kind of long term relationship; so I have to ask is this a boyfriend / someone you've been dating for a while or was this a first / second date with a guy you'd only known from groups in church? If this guy is getting intimate on the first or second date, what behavioral evidence is there that he's truly a God-fearing man and not someone who has just learned to look spiritual in church?

Have the two of you talked about this yet? If you have an existing relationship and hope to salvage any kind of relationship at all, you need to talk to each other about what happened? If he's a good God fearing guy, he probably feels just as ashamed and appalled by what happened as you do. And if you're going to keep it from happening again, you need to set up plans and boundaries to make sure it doesn't happen again: driving separate, meeting in public places where there are other people around, having a chaperone with you (old fashioned but bring along a 3rd person who knows they're there just for accountability and that's a pretty good way to keep things from going too far).

All of the above is assuming there's a relationship involved there, now for the other possibility: your crush asked you out and seduced you (for lack of a better way of putting it). That's not a God fearing date, that's a poser at best and predator at worst (depending mainly if he planned to do so or just planned to get closer to you (which is what a date is for) and got caught up in the heat of the moment). In that case, find a trusted mentor who can help you work through this episode of being unwise and setup boundaries similar to the above so that it's harder for you to suddenly find yourself in a situation that is likely to turn intimate.

As for the shame and the thoughts, repent and accept forgiveness, and this is one of those things that finding the right person to confess to so that someone knows your shameful secret and still accepts you will go a long way to helping you actually believe you're forgiven and accepted by God. The classic Bible passage for such times is Psalm 51 and I'd also recommend Ephesians 4-5 (specifically 4:17-5:4) for a bracing exhortation on how God's children ought to live. Beyond that I've found the best way to pray when dealing with a crush is for God to work in them and give them all the best he has for their lives; I think it the most loving thing you can do and helps to hold the crush with an open hand as you may not be God's best for that person.

Also give yourself time and grace, do everything you can to not feed the sexual thoughts and lust and it will eventually be weakened by starvation and more manageable, but that includes keeping out of situations that provide an opportunity for it to gorge itself and feast because it will if it gets a chance. This is definitely not the time to put yourself in situations to test your willpower or where overestimating your willpower could lead to a relapse.

 

[EternalFire]

I had an experience last week.

Me and my God-fearing date got intimate, in his car, no less.

Needless to say, the level of shame I have is incredible. I am ashamed of what I did and what manifested because of it.

He is very attractive to me, especially mentally. I love his talks. I love his prayers. He is incredibly intelligent and I love that. One night, in his car, he was showing me songs he likes. He put on a throwback ~love~ song and kissed me. He kissed me and put his hands between my legs. I didn’t stop him and truthfully, in that moment, I didn’t want him to. This is part of the shame.

We did *everything* in that car.

Everything.

I went home high as kite off of pure satisfaction. And then I woke up.

Lord, the shame.

How can I do this? How could he? What even happened? The shame was mixed with the sudden intense, obsessive thoughts I began to have about sex, and not just sex in general, but sex with *him*. I think about those moments with him *all day long*. I am lusting for him in terrible way.

It feels like that one moment has unlocked this seedy part of my mind that can’t be controlled. It is disturbing and I have not experienced it before (and I have been sexually actively before this moment).

I have no idea how to move forward here. I pray about it, of course. But what I need is some direction. Please, advice welcome from anyone. Especially people who have struggled with lust/shame.

1. How to pray about this? (Verses welcomed)
2. How do you deal with sexual feelings as a single Christian?

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body (1 Corinthians 6:18).

 

[Lanolin]

are you pregnant?
Take a pregnancy test, and if its positive, congratulations, you are going to be a parent. You'll need to tell the new dad though, and if he knows about the birds and the bees Im sure he will welcome the news. There should be no shame.

People do this all the time....its how little people are made.

 

[Lanolin]

Although generally, its not done in a car.
That is why its often safer to use public transport or taxi or uber than get in a car with someone alone on a date. Let that be a lesson to everyone.

I dont think you can pray about it as it seems your stuck with this guy now. If you want to break up with him you'll have to decide for yourself the next steps now youve given your body away. eg write a dear john letter, say im sorry that wasnt supposed to happen, I cant see you anymore and dont really want to have babies with you.

 

[MessengerofTruth]

I had an experience last week.

Me and my God-fearing date got intimate, in his car, no less.

Needless to say, the level of shame I have is incredible. I am ashamed of what I did and what manifested because of it.

He is very attractive to me, especially mentally. I love his talks. I love his prayers. He is incredibly intelligent and I love that. One night, in his car, he was showing me songs he likes. He put on a throwback ~love~ song and kissed me. He kissed me and put his hands between my legs. I didn’t stop him and truthfully, in that moment, I didn’t want him to. This is part of the shame.

We did *everything* in that car.

Everything.

I went home high as kite off of pure satisfaction. And then I woke up.

Lord, the shame.

How can I do this? How could he? What even happened? The shame was mixed with the sudden intense, obsessive thoughts I began to have about sex, and not just sex in general, but sex with *him*. I think about those moments with him *all day long*. I am lusting for him in terrible way.

It feels like that one moment has unlocked this seedy part of my mind that can’t be controlled. It is disturbing and I have not experienced it before (and I have been sexually actively before this moment).

I have no idea how to move forward here. I pray about it, of course. But what I need is some direction. Please, advice welcome from anyone. Especially people who have struggled with lust/shame.

1. How to pray about this? (Verses welcomed)
2. How do you deal with sexual feelings as a single Christian?

Taking every thought captive and brining it into subjection to Jesus Christ.

 

[HealthAndHappiness]

I had an experience last week.

Me and my God-fearing date got intimate, in his car, no less.

Needless to say, the level of shame I have is incredible. I am ashamed of what I did and what manifested because of it.

He is very attractive to me, especially mentally. I love his talks. I love his prayers. He is incredibly intelligent and I love that. One night, in his car, he was showing me songs he likes. He put on a throwback ~love~ song and kissed me. He kissed me and put his hands between my legs. I didn’t stop him and truthfully, in that moment, I didn’t want him to. This is part of the shame.

We did *everything* in that car.

Everything.

I went home high as kite off of pure satisfaction. And then I woke up.

Lord, the shame.

How can I do this? How could he? What even happened? The shame was mixed with the sudden intense, obsessive thoughts I began to have about sex, and not just sex in general, but sex with *him*. I think about those moments with him *all day long*. I am lusting for him in terrible way.

It feels like that one moment has unlocked this seedy part of my mind that can’t be controlled. It is disturbing and I have not experienced it before (and I have been sexually actively before this moment).

I have no idea how to move forward here. I pray about it, of course. But what I need is some direction. Please, advice welcome from anyone. Especially people who have struggled with lust/shame.

1. How to pray about this? (Verses welcomed)
2. How do you deal with sexual feelings as a single Christian?

Hello grace,


You bring up a challenge that many have and most fail at judging from what we see from the divorce rate and teenage forward lifestyle. It sounds like you want that to not be your fate. You can change that easier now than later. It sounds like neither of you know each other, except physically. I'm not here to condemn you. The only solution is salvation through Christ. Then you will need to faithfully attend a good church where you can get Bible preaching from a pastor that does not fear people, but God. It's not what everyone wants, but Biblical preaching is a necessity for growth. You are both in the flesh and you will not conquer through shear will power of the flesh. Galatians 5 talks about that struggle. The first thing that you both need to follow through with is linked
here. V
Good news.
/\
Then I posted something that is a testimony that describes what really worked for me. However it is too brief.
You can't expect to have a successful marriage unless you take action now. You'll need a good church and daily routine for details about strengthening your spirit.
Jesus spent time with sinners to get them saved, but that's different from us making provisions for the flesh as the ladies already covered well.
If you have questions for me on any of this, please quote my post so I'm notified.
Have a good day.

Testimony

 

[hellograce]

So you have been sexually active before, but never had this much trouble with sexual fantasies before?

So... It's not the act that bothers you so much as how you are thinking about sex all the time now?

Just trying to clarify what you are going for before we go anywhere else with this.

Sorry for the late response.

I was sexually active in high school and part of college. I was raised as a Christian, but as a teenager, I didn’t have a personal relationship with God. So I never really felt guilty about what I was doing. I was more concerned with hiding from my parents.

I have forged a new, personal relationship with God which is why I feel ashamed of my behavior now. The act does bother me, now. But even when I was active, I never had thoughts like this. I never felt like I couldn’t stop thinking about sex. I was never tempted in the way I am now. It is unsettling.

 

[Lanolin]

Are you pregnant.
Just wondering. Maybe your body really wants to have babies and its time hence thoughts of sex. Sometimes its just ovulation and hormones.

If thats what you prepared to do and see it through then tell God about it and He can make it right. If not then its just a physical thing cos you didnt say no OR the guy is just using you then be honest. I dont know who started it but if it was you then youve got to learn to keep your own body for God not give it away to any man who makes a pass say the Lords prayer to lead you from temptation.

this means obviously...dont get in a car alone with that guy or be alone with him. dont be naive about predators who put on a show of being christian to tempt you into bed with empty promises.

 

[Lanolin]

teens hide their sexual activites from their parents just as parents hide theres from their children. I just find it a bit ironic thats all.

or is it you just did it in his car where anybody could have looked in. Look God has seen it all before. He knows about it. But what about His son Jesus. Are you ready to ask forgiveness and be saved from your sin. Jesus wouldnt have told Mary to go sin no more if He hadnt forgiven her and given her the ability to stop. (she could have made a living from it) so are you ready to repent and give up being a harlot?

some people arent, they just like the sin too much. Be honest with yourself and honest to God.

 

[proutled]

I had an experience last week.

Me and my God-fearing date got intimate, in his car, no less.

Needless to say, the level of shame I have is incredible. I am ashamed of what I did and what manifested because of it.

He is very attractive to me, especially mentally. I love his talks. I love his prayers. He is incredibly intelligent and I love that. One night, in his car, he was showing me songs he likes. He put on a throwback ~love~ song and kissed me. He kissed me and put his hands between my legs. I didn’t stop him and truthfully, in that moment, I didn’t want him to. This is part of the shame.

We did *everything* in that car.

Everything.

I went home high as kite off of pure satisfaction. And then I woke up.

Lord, the shame.

How can I do this? How could he? What even happened? The shame was mixed with the sudden intense, obsessive thoughts I began to have about sex, and not just sex in general, but sex with *him*. I think about those moments with him *all day long*. I am lusting for him in terrible way.

It feels like that one moment has unlocked this seedy part of my mind that can’t be controlled. It is disturbing and I have not experienced it before (and I have been sexually actively before this moment).

I have no idea how to move forward here. I pray about it, of course. But what I need is some direction. Please, advice welcome from anyone. Especially people who have struggled with lust/shame.

1. How to pray about this? (Verses welcomed)
2. How do you deal with sexual feelings as a single Christian?

hello. the first thing to do to get your peace back, is to repent, then know that God loves you just the same ,,run to Jesus not from him, he will forgive you, the enemy will try to hold on to you, resist and the enemy will flee you can control you thoughts, remember put on you armer ephesiaths chap 6 ver 10 we all make mistakes, no worries God will restore you. take some time for your self, spend time with God in prayer and in the word, if your boyfriend loves Jesus to then he will understand, he needs to do the same, you both need to under stand , that we are in revival, God is pouring his spirit on the world right now, God bless you, remember God loves you,

 

[hellograce]

As I'm reading your story:

God-fearing date? That seems an odd way to phrase it if the two of you are in any kind of long term relationship; so I have to ask is this a boyfriend / someone you've been dating for a while or was this a first / second date with a guy you'd only known from groups in church? If this guy is getting intimate on the first or second date, what behavioral evidence is there that he's truly a God-fearing man and not someone who has just learned to look spiritual in church?

Have the two of you talked about this yet? If you have an existing relationship and hope to salvage any kind of relationship at all, you need to talk to each other about what happened? If he's a good God fearing guy, he probably feels just as ashamed and appalled by what happened as you do. And if you're going to keep it from happening again, you need to set up plans and boundaries to make sure it doesn't happen again: driving separate, meeting in public places where there are other people around, having a chaperone with you (old fashioned but bring along a 3rd person who knows they're there just for accountability and that's a pretty good way to keep things from going too far).

All of the above is assuming there's a relationship involved there, now for the other possibility: your crush asked you out and seduced you (for lack of a better way of putting it). That's not a God fearing date, that's a poser at best and predator at worst (depending mainly if he planned to do so or just planned to get closer to you (which is what a date is for) and got caught up in the heat of the moment). In that case, find a trusted mentor who can help you work through this episode of being unwise and setup boundaries similar to the above so that it's harder for you to suddenly find yourself in a situation that is likely to turn intimate.

As for the shame and the thoughts, repent and accept forgiveness, and this is one of those things that finding the right person to confess to so that someone knows your shameful secret and still accepts you will go a long way to helping you actually believe you're forgiven and accepted by God. The classic Bible passage for such times is Psalm 51 and I'd also recommend Ephesians 4-5 (specifically 4:17-5:4) for a bracing exhortation on how God's children ought to live. Beyond that I've found the best way to pray when dealing with a crush is for God to work in them and give them all the best he has for their lives; I think it the most loving thing you can do and helps to hold the crush with an open hand as you may not be God's best for that person.

Also give yourself time and grace, do everything you can to not feed the sexual thoughts and lust and it will eventually be weakened by starvation and more manageable, but that includes keeping out of situations that provide an opportunity for it to gorge itself and feast because it will if it gets a chance. This is definitely not the time to put yourself in situations to test your willpower or where overestimating your willpower could lead to a relapse.

Thank you for the thoughtful comment! I appreciate the verses. I will be adding to my morning devotion.

“Beyond that I've found the best way to pray when dealing with a crush is for God to work in them and give them all the best he has for their lives; I think it the most loving thing you can do and helps to hold the crush with an open hand as you may not be God's best for that person.”

That was an interesting perspective, thank you for sharing.

I mentioned he was God-fearing because that’s what drew me to him. I also wanted to provide context that this isn’t a worldly man, I haven’t observed any of his actions as such. I do not judge his behavior in this case because how can I? I consider myself God-fearing and I participated as well.

I am definitely avoiding him now, though. I genuinely don’t think he’s a poser but I’m beginning to think that he probably expects me to be “down” in that way, while still claiming to be faithful. I know there are couples like that, but I am no longer interested in those dynamics. And I hate that this happened. And it makes me sad to think he is one of those types.

I need a mentor but truthfully I am embarrassed. I can’t talk to anyone in real life about this which is why I made an account here. I have a group of women at my church that I speak to, they typically hold me accountable, but we don’t speak about things like this. No one does. I feel very uncomfortable bringing it up to anyone.

 

[PennEd]

Thank you for the thoughtful comment! I appreciate the verses. I will be adding to my morning devotion.

“Beyond that I've found the best way to pray when dealing with a crush is for God to work in them and give them all the best he has for their lives; I think it the most loving thing you can do and helps to hold the crush with an open hand as you may not be God's best for that person.”

That was an interesting perspective, thank you for sharing.

I mentioned he was God-fearing because that’s what drew me to him. I also wanted to provide context that this isn’t a worldly man, I haven’t observed any of his actions as such. I do not judge his behavior in this case because how can I? I consider myself God-fearing and I participated as well.

I am definitely avoiding him now, though. I genuinely don’t think he’s a poser but I’m beginning to think that he probably expects me to be “down” in that way, while still claiming to be faithful. I know there are couples like that, but I am no longer interested in those dynamics. And I hate that this happened. And it makes me sad to think he is one of those types.

I need a mentor but truthfully I am embarrassed. I can’t talk to anyone in real life about this which is why I made an account here. I have a group of women at my church that I speak to, they typically hold me accountable, but we don’t speak about things like this. No one does. I feel very uncomfortable bringing it up to anyone.

It seems to me, you feel this shame now, that you didn't feel before, because you are born again, and the Holy Spirit in you feels grieved.
Remember that even though we are New Creatures in Christ, we still inhabit our dead flesh. With all it's sinful desires pulling at us constantly. At this point, with the info given, I wouldn't be too hard on the guy either. You have to think about how likely the desires will come BEFORE getting in that situation.

First, use the Christian bar of soap.
1 John 1:9
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

You appear to be in your early to mid 20s.

Have you been with him long? Is marriage a strong possibility in the future? Does he also feel you shouldn't have done it?

But on the Spiritual side, remember that you are God's daughter now, and He loves you and will forgive you. So don't let the devil get a foothold of doubt and shame any longer.

Confess.
Repent.
Forget.

And move on.

 

[cinder]

I need a mentor but truthfully I am embarrassed. I can’t talk to anyone in real life about this which is why I made an account here. I have a group of women at my church that I speak to, they typically hold me accountable, but we don’t speak about things like this. No one does. I feel very uncomfortable bringing it up to anyone.

For what it's worth, in your shoes I imagine I'd feel about the same way. Don't know how I'd follow my own advice, but I do know it's good advice despite being difficult.

 

[Lanolin]

there will be elders in church that understand, or an aunty..obviously daughters dont tell their parents because the risk of being shunned/ostracised or cut off from the family for being slutty. But mothers probably know this anyway. They just want you to confess so they CAN forgive you.

You are human and we are all real life people. If you can go to your mum she will still love you wont she and is probably in the best position to advise you about this guy. Instead of being sneaky about your relationship?

This happens all the time remember. In church half the couples are 'living in sin' meaning they arent married, and they even have children but just arent married even though they could just do it in the sunday service and sign the papers.

ask yourself are you serious about this guy or are you just playing around with him. Do YOU really want to marry him and have his children. ask yourself. Otherwise if not then anyone who gets in a car with him will just do the same thing right? It wont be just you.

 

[Karlon]

I had an experience last week.

Me and my God-fearing date got intimate, in his car, no less.

Needless to say, the level of shame I have is incredible. I am ashamed of what I did and what manifested because of it.

He is very attractive to me, especially mentally. I love his talks. I love his prayers. He is incredibly intelligent and I love that. One night, in his car, he was showing me songs he likes. He put on a throwback ~love~ song and kissed me. He kissed me and put his hands between my legs. I didn’t stop him and truthfully, in that moment, I didn’t want him to. This is part of the shame.

We did *everything* in that car.

Everything.

I went home high as kite off of pure satisfaction. And then I woke up.

Lord, the shame.

How can I do this? How could he? What even happened? The shame was mixed with the sudden intense, obsessive thoughts I began to have about sex, and not just sex in general, but sex with *him*. I think about those moments with him *all day long*. I am lusting for him in terrible way.

It feels like that one moment has unlocked this seedy part of my mind that can’t be controlled. It is disturbing and I have not experienced it before (and I have been sexually actively before this moment).

I have no idea how to move forward here. I pray about it, of course. But what I need is some direction. Please, advice welcome from anyone. Especially people who have struggled with lust/shame.

1. How to pray about this? (Verses welcomed)
2. How do you deal with sexual feelings as a single Christian?

you said you have no idea how to move forward which get people thinking: are you a born again Christian? born again Christians know exactly how to move forward in this situation. 1st of all, if you are not b.a., become a Christian. know that Jesus died on the cross for our sins to be forgiven. but the sinner who willfully, unrepentingly repeats sins with no remorse will not have his sins forgiven- John 9:31. get on your knees & speak to Jesus & ask Him to forgive your sins & give you strength to forsake sexual & all sins. find verses to repeat to yourself to strengthen you. Read & learn James 4:7. i find that comedy really helps to strengthen oneself. when you condition yourself to a "new" creature, (2nd Corinthians 5:17), you will develop confidence to keep moving forward, it will be fun & you will succeed. here's 1 for you: "in the name of Jesus, devil, YOU AND ALL YOUR ABOUT, GET OUT"!!! smile every time are victorious over the devil. remember, don't fight him, resist him. if you resisting, you're not in the fight!!!!!

 

[Lanolin]

I had to be in ute alone with a guy for work when I did gardening. and he tried to be all over me (not just me but any gal who was working in the company) so wasnt like I was his special love or anything. I had to have a lot of binding prayer to work in that situation and put up resistance.

In the end I left that job tho not just cos of him but the bullying work culture.

Guys just because you have your own vehicle doesnt make it your personal sex machine. I would rather walk home alone than get picked up by some men honestly its much safer.

 

[presidente]

this means obviously...dont get in a car alone with that guy or be alone with him. dont be naive about predators who put on a show of being christian to tempt you into bed with empty promises.

@hellograce
Good advice, above, about not being a car alone with a man who isn't your father, brother, etc. Or on a sofa in an apartment, or an apartment. Have someone with you if you aren't in public. Standard western dating culture is dangerous.

As far as the man being a 'predator'.... and the one hand yes it is wrong and sinful for a man to do that to a woman he isn't married to. But it's possible he's got a similar background, that he feels horribly guilty about it, etc.

The remedies for lust the Bible gives is marriage or life-long celibacy if one can contain, but it takes more than one person to want to do that to make it happen.

 

[proutled]

when speaking with a women, MEN ok remember some things, like respect. she is GODS DAUGHTER. wich means father is right there with you, you need to be friend's first this most important you bult trust, a foundation, pray together. read the word together, lift the relationship up to the lord, so he can bless it, be a man of Honer, be the best man of God, for her, and for your children, we must lead by example. just some idea's, MEN, to give glory God, Jesus is Lord.