Using Church as a Dating Service

[persecuted]

Okay, I decided to start this new thread. Heard people in various threads talking about the value of going to church hoping to meet someone and then at other times see some angry responses saying that church is not, and should not be about that. Gonna start this off with a true story of what happened to me:

Person tells me, if you want to meet a christian girl you should go to church. Then I do. Can't say it was specifically to meet someone, but sure the thought was on my mind as well. Service ends and I'm talking to some girl around refreshments, the pastor comes over breaks up my conversation and herds me over to meet two women with multiple kids each and apparently no men in their lives. Pointless act of the pastor, that was going nowhere.

I complain to the person who sent me to church that I was hustled away from the girl I wanted to be talking to and was talking to. THEN I get the speech about how church isn't a dating service.

Why then do so many try to get people to church with statements like I received (and I am sure I heard the story about a hundred times by people trying to get me to church) and what about a pastor like that who clearly was trying to make it a dating service themselves only had a different conception of who I was supposed to be matched up with?

In the end it just seemed more stupidity to make me stay home and watch football on sundays. ... but I open the floor for other perspectives.

 

[Jullianna]

While meeting a man/woman should never be the reason we attend a worship service (glad that's not why you went), if we want to meet christians, that's an obvious place for them to be. Don't see a thing wrong with your punchbowl conversation.

P.S. - Don't stay home and watch football. You're part of the body of Christ and we need you.

 

[persecuted]

Oh, I dunno, the players in post game interviews all seem to claim that they won the game because of the glory of God... seems to be a more inspiring message than I ever get in church anyhow.

 

[Jullianna]

maybe you should visit another church

 

[Liamson]

Its not about GOING anywhere, its about being "plugged in". Its not even really about you, its about Serving God and letting Him show you how.

"Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness; and all these things will be added unto you." Perhaps not a girlfriend but, merely having your priorities rearranged is the start of being ready for a healthy relationship. Contrary to what Maya Angelou would have you believe, if you are looking for a relationship with God, you are going to find God, not a girlfriend.

I go to church as often as probably most of the people in these threads but, I have a weekly Bible Study and a Small group. Church is not an obligation or a service, it is a way for me to stay connected to my people.


Honestly, if you are looking for a girlfriend, volunteer at a charity organization. It builds character and you can know that you can be honest about why you are doing it.

 

[Maya86]

I often hear about guys going to church and talking to girls, watching em, etc. I felt like going to church should be all about getting closer to God and worshipping Him in a group setting. I then caught myself thinking "Hmm.. if I want to meet a great guy, I should probably go to church vs a club." (Note: 'm not the clubbing type- smoke, alcohol, crazy people.) So yeah.. I understand you when you say you go to service without the sole intention of finding a partner. While it seems that church would be an awesome place to meet someone, I believe that when you have faith in God, He will connect you to the perfect someone for you just about anywhere. I guess it makes sense to go to 'decent' places- church, charity organizations (as Liam suggested... I agree with everything he wrote) but be open to anything.. what matters most is faith and love and when we serve God, He'll take care of our needs without us even being aware of it at times. The miracle of life is not living, but it is love.

 

[kayem77]

I think your pastor shouldn't decide who you talk to, it's ok to give advice though.

I agree with what everybody else said that church is not a dating service while it sounds obvious that if you are looking for a christian girl, the church is the first place you could think about.But maybe you are focusing too much in getting a girlfriend, maybe you think that if you go to church often you will "casually" find a girl, when there are people who go to church everyday and have been doing it for a long time, and are still single. If you think like that, you will or you are already, disappointed because what you expect didn't happen.Just like the Lord can make disciples from under the stones, He surely can get a girl for you from ANYWHERE.

Like Liamson said '' Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness; and all these things will be added unto you.'' He knows your needs and desires, but He also knows what's good for you,even when you don't. I really believe that if you stop looking at what you need or what you think you need, and start looking at God, He will bring you peace... and maybe a girlfriend, who knows. Have faith in him that He knows best.

 

[Jullianna]

(At some point someone will likely bring up the Hebrews 10:25 scripture about the not forsaking the assembly of ourselves together; but, before that happens, I would encourage them to look at the same verse in other versions. Doesn’t read quite the same.)

I’m not one of those folks who believes we go to hell if we miss church services. I agree that our walk with the Lord is about a 24/7 relationship with Him, a perpetual attitude of praise, a dying of self and a life of service. But, I remember a time in my mid-20s when we stopped attending church services just because the one church in our town was merely a social club with ear-tickling, meatless sermon offerings and “worship” involved steps 1, 2 and 3 read from a piece of paper, and it wasn’t long before we found ourselves in situations and places that influenced us more than we influenced others.

When I meet with other believers on a regular basis (particularly now that I’m single again and a certain amount of accountability at home is now gone), I feel more accountable, learn from other believers, am encouraged by other believers, encourage other believers more than I normally would, set my own issues aside rather than sitting at home mulling them over far too much, and find more opportunities to step out of my bubble to serve others. Had we looked for a church on fire outside of our community sooner, I have a feeling that I would not have had to learn quite as many things the hard way.

Since persecuted has made numerous posts about meeting the wrong kinda women in the wrong kinda places, seemed to me that he might find this beneficial in more ways than one as well.

 

[persecuted]

Read everyone's posts up to here and am mulling it all over. I slightly regret that this thread is a little bit too much about me just because when I first joined this site there was talk on other threads that just didn't quite go this direct about the role of church in dating.

I was thinking a while back how once I also was taken to a mormon church by a friend since there are lots of them where I live. In just my one trip (and subsequent dealings with mormons) it is my belief that mormon churches take an extremely active role in matching people up (and, no, I'm not talking about the polygamists). With what some people were saying on here back a month or two ago I was pondering to myself if there isn't actually a value to this approach. While its been horrifying to me as an outsider to see a girl seem to be married off with out much personal decision making, perhaps their approach isn't so unhealthy. Don't think its quite what you'd call "arranged" or "forced" marriages, but its very close. Yeah, okay, I admit it. My long illustrious career of flunking out with girls also includes falling for mormon girls at least twice and coming to realize that while they walked amongst me in public education systems, they really were a strange foreign creature with a society all their own. But forget that aside. With all the lonely hearts on here, I have troubles believing the same "do it for yourself" or "don't use the church as a dating service" mentalities would happen within a mormon community. (Except of course the polygamists where the young guys are completely out of luck.) But then is there a value to this much more proactive approach?

 

[Jullianna]

At first glance, it appears that may have been what the pastor you spoke about was trying to do, persecuted. Maybe he knew the ladies he introduced you to were looking for a serious relationship and thought it might be worth a shot. Or, maybe he thought you might be one of those guys who only comes to church to prey on naive christian young ladies from time to time. Those who've been in youth ministry have sure seen our share of those. *sigh*

I don't see anything wrong with those within a christian body encouraging relationships within the body. Don't think it should be forced though, as it is in some situatons. Seems like the more you try to force someone into a situation, the more resistant they can become, even if it could be a good thing.

 

[persecuted]

At first glance, it appears that may have been what the pastor you spoke about was trying to do, persecuted. Maybe he knew the ladies he introduced you to were looking for a serious relationship and thought it might be worth a shot. Or, maybe he thought you might be one of those guys who only comes to church to prey on naive christian young ladies from time to time. Those who've been in youth ministry have sure seen our share of those. *sigh*

I don't see anything wrong with those within a christian body encouraging relationships within the body. Don't think it should be forced though, as it is in some situatons. Seems like the more you try to force someone into a situation, the more resistant they can become, even if it could be a good thing.

Oh good, you hit on my theme of yesterday... there is always a possible double meaning or alternate motivation. I considered the "protection" angle from the moment it happened but then couldn't see why they'd need to parade me across the church to the other two women. I've never been back to church service there again but went to some of their "community" events and have assessed that their "youth" are the same level of drinkers as everyone else in town and about all that can be said for this church is that the members have an extraordinarily high level of being busy bodies. Between that and the usual "do everything for the third world and nothing for yourself or country" mentality I couldn't be bothered to ever go back again. I went from thinking there was maybe something wrong with me for not going to church to my present state of having a massive disdain for Canadian churches. Don't see or hear anything from christians around here anymore except for when they want money for their little third world causes and are accusing everyone of being a sinner for not giving what they want when they want. The mentality I see at these churches I think they really should just pack up and move their whole operations to Haiti, Zimbabwe, Ethiopia, etc. because they obviously don't have any interest in doing anything whatsoever for the region they are in but to gather money to save what they think are better more deserving people to preach Christ to. Or wait, no, I guess they are only interested in spreading water pills and not the actual gospel.

But, oh deary dear, this has again got way off topic. Better throw in some more sarcasm that no one wants to hear... ever notice how these "protective" church leaders never want to protect the young naive christian girls from the extremely wayward acting immigrant groups they bring in?

 

[M7777B]

For me I can read a mile away the intentions of man or woman what they are looking for... Don't get me wrong, I can see this cause I was and sometimes am still this... Let's get honest here !!
People need people and if I were to go to church looking for a mate it is sure better than going to a bar or a crack house... We are all on different levels and who are we to judge... I know i'm not... I need to be carfule about the plank and the glass house...
SSSooooo If I go to church to worship and find a husband yay... I am sure not going to go to church to just find a husband... God can lead me there for any number of reasons... Praise GOD

*+* PERFECT LOVE *+*
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone-
To have a deep soul relationship with another-
Be loved thoroughly, and exclusively.
But God, to a Christian, says:
I want you to be satisfied, fulfilled, and content
With being loved by Me alone-
With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me-
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship
With Me alone.
Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found,
Will you be capable of the best human relationship
That I have planned for you.
I want you to be united with another after you are united with Me-
Exclusive of anyone or anything else,
Exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning, stop wishing,
And allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing-
One that you cannot imagine.
I want you to have the best-
Please allow Me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching Me, trusting Me-
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am.
Keep listening and learning the things I tell you.
You just wait.
That's all.
Don't be anxious.
Don't worry.
Don't look around at the things
Others have gotten or that I've given them.
Don't look at the things you think you want.
You just keep looking off and up to Me,
Or you'll miss what I want to show you.
And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love
Far more wonderful than any you would dream of.
You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready,
(I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time),
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I prepared for you,
You won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me.
And this is the perfect love.
And dear one, I want you to have the most wonderful love.
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me,
And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love
That I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love you utterly.
I am God.
Believe and be satisfied.
-author and original title unknown ​

 

[Jullianna]

I’ve been assuming that you were a christian too and not one of the predators I was talking about. Was I wrong to assume that?

I suppose if someone has never had to deal with young people being harmed emotionally, physically and sexually within the church, they might not understand the desire of those who have to do all they can to prevent it from happening to anyone else in their charge, but it’s too much of a stretch for me to understand how anyone with the heart of Christ could possibly object. Sarcasm or not, there will be no apologies coming from this poster. You’ll have to find another lab rat for that maze/cheese.

I do suppose asking you what you are doing to make changes in what you consider to be the failings of the body of Christ would be a whole other thread, huh? Can’t help wondering though....

 

[Jullianna]

I do want to clarify that the instances I referred to happened to the kids at other churches before coming to ours. Not sure I made that clear…

Anyhoooooooo…enough thought life dedicated here. Most likely a waste of time anyway. Some part of me still has hope. God bless J

 

[persecuted]

Now see you're assuming too much. The "girl" I was talking to I assume was in the 17-19 year old range. As this story is actually from some years ago, I believe I would have been within 4 years of her age, and the older women with children would have been at least 6 years older than me. As the age of consent in Canada presently is 16, the full legal age 18 and the legal drinking age 18 or 19 depending which province one lives in, I am curioius what this definition of a "predator" would be, what constitutes a "child" in your view, and why the very same people who are forever preaching about how wrong judging people is THINK that is is okay to jump to conclusions and condemn some white guy talking casually to some girl at a church event. Of course there is always that excuse for the behaviour of the church's latest special "victim" group no matter what they do back in their home country or to neighbourhoods in Canada they occupy. Yet another reason to stay away from the fake christians with their selective pick and choosing of the bible.

Gotta say though, if I assume that this pastor actually WAS behaving as such to "protect" and not just to set me up with the poor manless single mom's I not only did the very best thing by not going back to service again but think my condemnations of this church should be much stronger and forceful. Hhhmm, seems to me I was on city transit the other day and some drunk 14 year old girl was talking about how she was looking to sell pot to finance her party life style. MAYBE that girl at the church was about to sell me pot... and MAYBE the pastor had a thing for that girl herself and was upset I was getting in the way of her lesbian conversion. Like serious, why should all suspicions be okay when it involves younger female, older male BUT BUT BUT, everything else goes.... like de-segregated schools when we all know that there is a massive cultural difference on sexual attitudes between diffferent racial groups. Politically incorrect, but completely true.

Guess I'll just add that my experiences with the declaration of the word "youth" sometimes means up to about 24, sometimes 18-30, sometimes younger like 14-17, guess it all depends on which group has decided to use it.

But, yeah, I think its disgusting the extreme bigotry liberals throw around while expecting all of this tolerance of their much worse behaved "special" groups.

 

[Jullianna]

Now see you're assuming too much. The "girl" I was talking to I assume was in the 17-19 year old range. As this story is actually from some years ago, I believe I would have been within 4 years of her age, and the older women with children would have been at least 6 years older than me. As the age of consent in Canada presently is 16, the full legal age 18 and the legal drinking age 18 or 19 depending which province one lives in, I am curioius what this definition of a "predator" would be, what constitutes a "child" in your view, and why the very same people who are forever preaching about how wrong judging people is THINK that is is okay to jump to conclusions and condemn some white guy talking casually to some girl at a church event. Of course there is always that excuse for the behaviour of the church's latest special "victim" group no matter what they do back in their home country or to neighbourhoods in Canada they occupy. Yet another reason to stay away from the fake christians with their selective pick and choosing of the bible.

Questions aren't conclusions. Just became curious about your immediate defensive posturing regarding church leadership protecting young people, particularly in light of the extremely vulgar comments I've seen you post about christian and non-christian women in these threads. Unlike others who have given up on you, I still want to be wrong, but this was a nice straw man attempt.

Gotta say though, if I assume that this pastor actually WAS behaving as such to "protect" and not just to set me up with the poor manless single mom's I not only did the very best thing by not going back to service again but think my condemnations of this church should be much stronger and forceful. Hhhmm, seems to me I was on city transit the other day and some drunk 14 year old girl was talking about how she was looking to sell pot to finance her party life style. MAYBE that girl at the church was about to sell me pot... and MAYBE the pastor had a thing for that girl herself and was upset I was getting in the way of her lesbian conversion. Like serious, why should all suspicions be okay when it involves younger female, older male BUT BUT BUT, everything else goes.... like de-segregated schools when we all know that there is a massive cultural difference on sexual attitudes between diffferent racial groups. Politically incorrect, but completely true.
Another cute straw man. Pass
Guess I'll just add that my experiences with the declaration of the word "youth" sometimes means up to about 24, sometimes 18-30, sometimes younger like 14-17, guess it all depends on which group has decided to use it.

But, yeah, I think its disgusting the extreme bigotry liberals throw around while expecting all of this tolerance of their much worse behaved "special" groups.

Yep...a completely dispassionate Body of Christ is why I'm still here reading your bitterness in an attempt to understand the true root of it so I'll know how to pray for you when I would really rather find some dinner.

Sooo... what ARE you doing about the part that disgusts you? Has it occurred to you at all that perhaps you have been permitted to experience it in order to give you understanding that will enable you to help others? I was willing to let it pass so as not to derail your thread, but since you insist upon bringing it up again, indulge me, please? And save the sarcasm, sweetie. Surely you know by now that I can see right through it.

 

[persecuted]

Yep...a completely dispassionate Body of Christ is why I'm still here reading your bitterness in an attempt to understand the true root of it so I'll know how to pray for you when I would really rather find some dinner.

Sooo... what ARE you doing about the part that disgusts you? Has it occurred to you at all that perhaps you have been permitted to experience it in order to give you understanding that will enable you to help others? I was willing to let it pass so as not to derail your thread, but since you insist upon bringing it up again, indulge me, please? And save the sarcasm, sweetie. Surely you know by now that I can see right through it.

In my opinion this response of yours is a complete cop out. You claim to be patient but are rather condescending whilst you decide for whatever reason you don't want to debate issues I have clearly set before you.

Let me give you another story that you'll avoid. There was once a natural disaster (or was it an act of God?) in a place with some of the highest crime rates in America. It was decided that instead of housing the displaced at a giant sports complex they needed to be moved. A row of buses shipped the poorest inhabitants from the Louisiana Superdome in New Orleans to Houston. It was recognized by the citizens of Houston that this act would invariably ship the crime problems of New Orleans to the then much less crime infested city of Houston. As predicted, the crime rate did in fact shoot up exponentially in Houston as a result of giving sanctuary in Houston.

Questiion for you being the good liberal christian you claim to be... why is it that people like yourself claim it would be wrong for people in Houston to say "we need to protect ourselves from these PREDATORS send the buses elsewhere" BUT you seem to think you can make judgments upon any and all males that might be older than girls YOU think should be "protected" regardless of what the girls themselves think or what the prevailing law in a region is whether or not the male even has any actual interest in the girl?

I suspect you'll just write STRAW MAN again as you are apparently incapable of presenting any argument yourself. Fact is I have ALREADY given you multiple critiques of present day church hypocrasy and the attempts to meld secular poltically correct man made concepts into christianity to displace actual text but you refuse to even bother with any such arguments and go back to claiming that these "churches" are "the body of Christ" and hence to you when I reject them and their false doctrines, I am not a Christian.

Well do you have a response there straw lady, or is it just more "my politically correct 'church' told me what to think and you better believe it to."?

 

[Jullianna]

Okay, you got me. I’ll admit to being a tad condescending if you’ll confess to appearing at times as if you are standing in the middle of this forum with your hands on your hips, stomping your feet, and holding your breath until you turn blue, while expecting total strangers to be held accountable for things that occur in your world (but not theirs) (Ever wonder how much of that stuff you bring upon yourself, as you do here?) or in places that are about 4 states away [and, for the record, I organized a clothing drive at my church for the New Orleans victims (we sent a truck full) and contributed funds to family members in San Antonio, TX, where many shelters were set up (and, no, I didn’t ask what color their skin was ) What did YOU do to help?]. Or are you really upset because you can’t intimidate everyone with your rancid language and rants? Jury’s still out on that one….

I’m not avoiding debating you, but I prefer conversations to debates. But when you won’t stay on topic, you make that nearly impossible. Disconnected rants are not debates on most planets, which is probably most of the other folks aren’t interested in this conversation.

You expect me to answer your questions, but you still haven’t answered the question I’ve asked twice now…WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO IMPROVE THE FAILINGS YOU SEE IN THE BODY OF CHRIST?

I am a pretty patient person and a very good listener, but I am not your personal doormat. I’m not gonna jump down into the gutter with you here, still not going for the cheese, but I will continue to pray with you. Feel free to have the last word. It's not important to me.

P.S. – It’s a shame that my friends and family can’t read this. They’d get a laugh out of me being referred to as a “LIBERAL” anything

P.S.S. – You can’t draw first blood and cry persecution.

 

[persecuted]

Okay, you got me. I’ll admit to being a tad condescending if you’ll confess to appearing at times as if you are standing in the middle of this forum with your hands on your hips, stomping your feet, and holding your breath until you turn blue, while expecting total strangers to be held accountable for things that occur in your world (but not theirs) (Ever wonder how much of that stuff you bring upon yourself, as you do here?) or in places that are about 4 states away [and, for the record, I organized a clothing drive at my church for the New Orleans victims (we sent a truck full) and contributed funds to family members in San Antonio, TX, where many shelters were set up (and, no, I didn’t ask what color their skin was ) What did YOU do to help?]. Or are you really upset because you can’t intimidate everyone with your rancid language and rants? Jury’s still out on that one….

I’m not avoiding debating you, but I prefer conversations to debates. But when you won’t stay on topic, you make that nearly impossible. Disconnected rants are not debates on most planets, which is probably most of the other folks aren’t interested in this conversation.

You expect me to answer your questions, but you still haven’t answered the question I’ve asked twice now…WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO IMPROVE THE FAILINGS YOU SEE IN THE BODY OF CHRIST?

I am a pretty patient person and a very good listener, but I am not your personal doormat. I’m not gonna jump down into the gutter with you here, still not going for the cheese, but I will continue to pray with you. Feel free to have the last word. It's not important to me.

P.S. – It’s a shame that my friends and family can’t read this. They’d get a laugh out of me being referred to as a “LIBERAL” anything

P.S.S. – You can’t draw first blood and cry persecution.

I don't understand why you would write something so long and still not answer my questions. To your P.S.S., nice claim, but in this particular case YOU YOURSELF chose to accuse me of being a "predator". Yet, you still haven't been able to define what this word means or what gives you the special right to be the one that gets to assign this tag, especially since on previous threads you have argued that Christians have no right to judge. I maintain that your usage of this ill-defined word is actually EXTREMELY judgemental and it mirrors the hypocracy I have been experiencing from present day Christians. Certain groups get a complete pass on their behaviour, but since I'm a heterosexual white male you may throw all the vitriol at me you please. I am yet to find that passage in the BIBLE that justifies this acceptance of differing standards for different groups but know it has existed for a long time within the political correct movement that is man made and has shown nothing but disdain for Christianity before its recent intrusion into the churches.

I'm further sorry that you are unable to understand my arguments. I did not ask you what you have done for Katrina victims but rather why you would condemn people for being "un-Christian" if they did not want a group of people coming into their area when every reasonable expectation would be that the incoming group would cause lots of physical and social harm to the community yet you are an advocate of preventative measures against any and all males in their twenties or above who you think might date someone YOU don't think they should.

 

[Snackersmom]

Ah, Persecuted? Has anyone told you that lots of your posts read like crazyrants, or is this the first time? I hesitated to get involved in this thread, but here goes: In another thread, (I think it was called "does God really have a girlfriend for me"), I asked you why you want a girlfriend so badly, since your opinion of females appeared to be so low. Here is you response: " I ask myself that very question quite often. I guess there is something strangely addictive about their pretty yet vacant faces, their curvy legs and hips and bouncy things and I suppose it feels like moral obligation to provide myself to one of these millions of poor creatures looking for a man to think for them. But you're right, the contradictory female outlooks of "I need a man to take care of me." and their false "Anything a man can do I can do equally well." that present day chicks all seem to simultaneously hold make chicks a bit of a hard thing to stomach." Now, I'm not calling you a predator or anything, but does that sound like the words of someone who would have a girl's best interests at heart? Not in my opinion. GOD WILL NOT GIVE YOU A GODLY LADY UNTIL you learn to appreciate her for something other than her "pretty yet vacant face" and (cringe) "bouncy things". You are in need of a serious spiritual overhaul, whether you are willing to admit it or not. Jesus will fix you up, if you'll let Him. Speaking of Jesus, have you ever accepted Him as your savior? If not, then PLEASE, for your own sake, do so immediately. I see a lot of pain in your posts, and we would All love to see it go away, so that you can start living the full and complete life that God has for you, but you need to surrender EVERYTHING to him. I pray that you do so.