Child or Potential Spouse?

[HealthAndHappiness]

Ideally, the world and everyone in it would be perfect. The ideal won't happen until we're in heaven.

Matthew 22
"For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven. "

The marriage mandates weren't for heaven, they were for now. I know that people aren't perfect. That's why we need grace through the perfect One Who was sacrificed in our place for our sins.

When proper choices are made for marriage, family, salvation, etc , folks are much happier in general. God is able to bless those families, churches and communities. When the sons of God (saved) marry the fair daughters of (unregenerate) men, there's no end to the complications, the misery resulting from those sins. There are cycles of endless examples in the Old Testament warning us about this. I'm not down on those who are divorced, or who decided to commit adultery. I am recognizing it as a plague upon America. It's probably the same elsewhere too. It's hard to find anyone qualified for marriage thanks to the parents disregarding the instructions in the Bible.

 

[NightTwister]

Matthew 22
"For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven. "

The marriage mandates weren't for heaven, they were for now. I know that people aren't perfect. That's why we need grace through the perfect One Who was sacrificed in our place for our sins.

When proper choices are made for marriage, family, salvation, etc , folks are much happier in general. God is able to bless those families, churches and communities. When the sons of God (saved) marry the fair daughters of (unregenerate) men, there's no end to the complications, the misery resulting from those sins. There are cycles of endless examples in the Old Testament warning us about this. I'm not down on those who are divorced, or who decided to commit adultery. I am recognizing it as a plague upon America. It's probably the same elsewhere too. It's hard to find anyone qualified for marriage thanks to the parents disregarding the instructions in the Bible.

All well and good, but as the original post said, this isn't the place for that. This is about a here and now situation that isn't ideal.

 

[blueluna5]

Should a parent choose his/her child's needs over a potential spouse? Let's say the child doesn't really accept the potential spouse (for example, maybe the child doesn't want the parent to remarry). (Does a child have a say in who the parent dates/marries?) Or maybe the potential spouse wants his/her needs met first.

What about after marriage? Should a parent still put his/her child first?

That's rough. I would first ask if the child's concerns are valid and how much trauma the child has been through. Divorce is trauma of course, but is it divorce bc of death, abuse, cheating, etc. That's more traumatizing, and how long has it been. Less than a year, no way.

If your child seriously dislikes the potential spouse and they are typical kids that generally like people I would stay away. There's something they see that you don't. Not going into statistics of abuse, but it's significantly higher for a child to be abused with a non biological dad in the house.

In houses with step parents generally the kids come first. For good reason. Step parents should not discipline your kids (especially spank) but really all consequences should come from biological parent.

As you can imagine this is straining for the adult relationship in the house. If you put the new spouse ahead the child is likely to experience neglect and other strange psychological abuse, especially if you have a baby with the new spouse. They call it the "red headed step child" for a reason. A child that feels they never fit in.

 

[MsMediator]

I generally agree about putting the child first, which both adults should do (both parent and step parent). In fact, even in a family without divorce the parents should put the wellbeing of the children and sacrifice for the children first. If both parents agree with and follow this, a lot of problems will be minimized. That way, when someone puts the child first the other spouse will not be offended. Of course, I am not saying give in to manipulative children. If I ever marry a single parent, I will put the child first (until he/she is 18). My concern with entering such a relationship is more with the adult not the child. I would need to confirm that the guy truly loves me and not just looking for someone to support him/the child. Guys used to face this issue more with women with children, but nowadays it is happening more the other way around.

 

[Gideon300]

Should a parent choose his/her child's needs over a potential spouse? Let's say the child doesn't really accept the potential spouse (for example, maybe the child doesn't want the parent to remarry). (Does a child have a say in who the parent dates/marries?) Or maybe the potential spouse wants his/her needs met first.

What about after marriage? Should a parent still put his/her child first?

From experience I can say that marriage to someone who already has children is asking for trouble. If the children are young, it's better. However, many single mothers are highly protective of their children and take that attitude into a marriage. It makes it difficult to discipline the child as there is constant friction.

It can work, but by the grace of God for sure. These days, many parents are loath to discipline their children anyway. It's no wonder that some countries are producing a generation of narcissists who are permanently offended. I would advise anyone thinking of marrying to ensure that the air is cleared before getting engaged.

 

[Gideon300]

Should a parent choose his/her child's needs over a potential spouse? Let's say the child doesn't really accept the potential spouse (for example, maybe the child doesn't want the parent to remarry). (Does a child have a say in who the parent dates/marries?) Or maybe the potential spouse wants his/her needs met first.

What about after marriage? Should a parent still put his/her child first?

Put Jesus first. Otherwise, there will likely be trouble. I speak from experience.

 

[MsMediator]

From experience I can say that marriage to someone who already has children is asking for trouble.

I think a lot of these issues occur when people don't fully accept eachother. The harsh reality is that stepkids and stepparents are the byproduct of the relationship between the two adults. Statements like, well he's not my child or she's not my mom, cause rift. The adult should obviously be the bigger person. Thoughts like this show they don't fully care or accept eachother, which consequently further reinforce such thoughts. For example, the stepparent may not really care about the stepchild's grades. Any thoughts of he/she is not my blood cause rift. Someone who was once a stepchild may better understand how to be a stepparent.

 

[Gideon300]

I think a lot of these issues occur when people don't fully accept eachother. The harsh reality is that stepkids and stepparents are the byproduct of the relationship between the two adults. Statements like, well he's not my child or she's not my mom, cause rift. The adult should obviously be the bigger person. Thoughts like this show they don't fully care or accept eachother, which consequently further reinforce such thoughts. For example, the stepparent may not really care about the stepchild's grades. Any thoughts of he/she is not my blood cause rift. Someone who was once a stepchild may better understand how to be a stepparent.

Kids also know exactly how to play one parent against another. That applies to those born to the couple, not just stepchildren. My stepson knew how to avoid discipline by complaining to his mother. If my daughter wanted something and I said "no", she would send my young son to ask me the same question. It did not work, but it was ten points for trying. "You're not my real dad" is a not unusual statement of rebellion. These things must be sorted if a relationship is to work.