Deceptive or not?

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I

iraasuup

Guest
#1
#1
Okay.. just throwing this out there.

Curious to see what other people think? Particularly interested to see how the guys respond to this (assuming they were in this situation)...

If a couple had been married sometime, but let's say the wife is eager to start a family, but the husband isn't keen at all. Let's say the wife isn't getting any younger, and has sat by watching all her friends/family celebrate the joys of parenthood, but never pushed the issue with her husband because he's been very clear about not wanting kids.

How wrong would it be if the wife 'pushed things along a little' to make it happen? ie: stopped using contraception. If talking to her husband hasn't worked to change his mind, and prayers haven't helped either, and the body clock is ticking overtime, would taking things into her own hands be deceptive? Would 'Honey, I'm pregnant' change his attitude to things, since he'd have no choice but to get used to the idea of becoming a Father.. or is that a terrible idea for her to consider?

Do you think things really do change? ie: the saying 'it's different when they're your own kids'...is that really true or is just some flippant cliche response people use often? Would his attitude towards having children change once his own son/daughter had come into the world?

Do you think the wife would have to one day admit to her husband about what she did (should she choose to 'help things along') thus causing strain on her relationship in the future? What do you think God would think about this? Is there a solution to this problem?

Does 'typing in the third person' confuse the readers of this thread?

Any suggestions greatly appreciated!!

*Happy to answer any further questions or clarify any confusion about said situation in this post*
 
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Megatron

Megatron

Banned
#2
May 6, 2011
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#2
if i was married and was expecting my wife to be on some form of birth control until a time we were both ready and she stopped taking it on purpose...id be pissed...very very pissed because well it would be lying...youre are portraying on thing but doing another for personal benefit? totally wrong
 
I

iraasuup

Guest
#3
#3
Megatron said:
if i was married and was expecting my wife to be on some form of birth control until a time we were both ready and she stopped taking it on purpose...id be pissed...very very pissed
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But.. unless she told you, how would you know she 'stopped deliberately'? It's not foolproof you know...people on birth control get pregnant all the time...
 
Megatron

Megatron

Banned
#4
May 6, 2011
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#4
iraasuup said:
But.. unless she told you, how would you know she 'stopped deliberately'? It's not foolproof you know...people on birth control get pregnant all the time...
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if she told me she did it like that...well then i would consider it betrayal...i also am not a huge fan of kids and wouldnt want them before i was married. but it would be bad
 
I

iraasuup

Guest
#5
#5
I see your point.

But is it right that she spends her whole life 'wishing for a baby' and being unsettled simply because he 'doesn't want to have kids'...what about what she wants?
 
F

framester

Senior Member
#6
Jan 4, 2010
165
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#6
THIS really is an interesting topic and I am eager to know and learn from what people has to say about this thing.
I'm not married yet, but I am planning to.

So, how is it gonna be? -
 
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Megatron

Megatron

Banned
#7
May 6, 2011
640
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#7
iraasuup said:
I see your point.

But is it right that she spends her whole life 'wishing for a baby' and being unsettled simply because he 'doesn't want to have kids'...what about what she wants?
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you probably should have discussed it more thoroughly before the marriage if thats the case
 
Elizabeth619

Elizabeth619

Senior Member
#8
Jul 19, 2011
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#8
It's dishonest, and manipulative.
If the woman wants children and the husband does not then they should have discussed that before marriage. This is just another way of people thinking they can CHANGE the other person.
 
I

iraasuup

Guest
#9
#9
For those who are curious.. let me clarify a few things.

Yes, I am refering to my own situation.

Yes, these are very real thoughts I've had, and I struggle with them, because I don't think I could ever decieve my husband like that and live with the guilt of it.

But, I'm almost at my wits end. I have no real solutions for this problem. Any insight? Anyone? My body clock is going NUTS!
 
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iraasuup

Guest
#10
#10
further clarification.

WE DID discuss this before marriage. We talked about having kids and what 'baby names' we liked.

He now says he NEVER wants kids, and claims he has always held this view and told me this before we got married.

Um.. no he didn't- I would have remembered that. He changed his mind, and now I'm just supposed to deal with it?
 
Elizabeth619

Elizabeth619

Senior Member
#11
Jul 19, 2011
6,397
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#11
iraasuup said:
For those who are curious.. let me clarify a few things.

Yes, I am refering to my own situation.

Yes, these are very real thoughts I've had, and I struggle with them, because I don't think I could ever decieve my husband like that and live with the guilt of it.

But, I'm almost at my wits end. I have no real solutions for this problem. Any insight? Anyone? My body clock is going NUTS!
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First off..DON'T DECIEVE YOUR HUSBAND!

Also, pray to God about this. Ask your husband why he doesn't want children. Maybe there is a reason.

No offense, but decieving your husband who you vowed to spend the rest of your life with by getting pregnant seems very selfish.

I am sure you would be a wonderful mother, but you don't want to create another life based on a lie and a manipulation.
 
1

1still_waters

Guest
#12
#12
As crazy as your life is now and may be for the next few years, a baby will bring even more craziness in to it, and bringing a baby in to that craziness wouldn't be fair to the baby, you or the husband. In my opinion.
 
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iraasuup

Guest
#13
#13
Elizabeth619 said:
First off..DON'T DECIEVE YOUR HUSBAND!

Also, pray to God about this. Ask your husband why he doesn't want children. Maybe there is a reason.

No offense, but decieving your husband who you vowed to spend the rest of your life with by getting pregnant seems very selfish.

I am sure you would be a wonderful mother, but you don't want to create another life based on a lie and a manipulation.
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I agree with you... but I've got to be honest and tell you I'm sick of people telling me to 'pray about it'. Do you not think I've done that already? Talk to him about it.. been there, done that. There's no reason- he's just selfish and doesn't want kids because he thinks they're annoying (basically in a nutshell).

I'm just really starting to get frustrated. I tried talking to him, and explaining to him why I felt the way I did and why having a family is important to me - he replied with 'I realise that, but it's just not important to me'... how does one respond to that?

So, for the last 3 years or so I have said NOTHING. I have sat patiently praying that God would change him. I haven't even raised the subject. But I can't ignore my body clock. I just can't. It's doing my head in!
 
Elizabeth619

Elizabeth619

Senior Member
#14
Jul 19, 2011
6,397
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#14
iraasuup said:
I agree with you... but I've got to be honest and tell you I'm sick of people telling me to 'pray about it'. Do you not think I've done that already? Talk to him about it.. been there, done that. There's no reason- he's just selfish and doesn't want kids because he thinks they're annoying (basically in a nutshell).

I'm just really starting to get frustrated. I tried talking to him, and explaining to him why I felt the way I did and why having a family is important to me - he replied with 'I realise that, but it's just not important to me'... how does one respond to that?

So, for the last 3 years or so I have said NOTHING. I have sat patiently praying that God would change him. I haven't even raised the subject. But I can't ignore my body clock. I just can't. It's doing my head in!
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How about counseling?
I am sure you prayed about it, but also let your hubby know that ALL kids are annoying. Especially when they do not belong to you. Even yalls kids will be annoying, BUT you tend to live your own offspring unconditionally.
 
I

iraasuup

Guest
#15
#15
1still_waters said:
As crazy as your life is now and may be for the next few years, a baby will bring even more craziness in to it, and bringing a baby in to that craziness wouldn't be fair to the baby, you or the husband. In my opinion.
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I know. I agree, it's not the best time in the world.. but my body is going crazy..and I ain't getting any younger. I know that if it were to just 'happen' unaided by me but rather by God's plan, that we would make it work, regardless of how crazy things are for us now...but seriously it's like everywhere I turn it's in my face. Family and friends having babies, babies at work, babies on the train on the way to work, babies on TV. What am I supposed to do.. go lock myself in a cupboard or something?
 
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iraasuup

Guest
#16
#16
and to throw another 'spanner in the works'...I have an IUD (google it if you don't know- I'm not gonna explain)...and it's due to be removed this coming December. We haven't really talked about it, other than the fact that the '5 years it's in for' is up this December. I think he just assumes I'll get another one...what do I do there?

I had it put in 2 years after we got married, for reasons other than 'contraception'.. it just seemed to serve multiple purposes, and was working so we left it...but he has commented in the past about how great it is as a method of birth control..*sigh*
 
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iraasuup

Guest
#17
#17
See_KING_Truth said:
Having a child is a huge responsibility, probably the largest one out there. My question is: was the idea of having your own children discussed before the marriage vows were taken? Did you know that he didn't want children beforehand and just hoped that his perspective would change after marriage? Pushing things along would not help the situation. Especially if it were in a deceptive fashion...

Just talk to your husband, tell him exactly what you think and how you feel.
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The answer to those questions are in previous posts.

But here they are again anyway...

Yes we talked about it- he simply changed his mind after marriage.

Yes, I've talked to him- it does no good.. everytime I'd raise the subject we'd end up fighting. So I've not talked about it for the last 3 years. He is happy. He flat out told me he udnerstands that having a family is important to me but 'its not important to him'. So, the end. Basically, he just expects me to shut up and deal with it.
 
I

iraasuup

Guest
#18
#18
I'd really like to hear from other people who have found themselves in this situation..

All I seem to be hearing now is people telling me to 'pray and talk about it'... which clearly hasn't worked or I wouldn't be posting here like some kind of desperado. Also, ironic that most of the time (in my experience) the people who give the cliche responses already have children ..so really have no idea what I'm going through.

I'm wondering if I'm the only person out there going through this?
 
S

See_KING_Truth

Guest
#19
#19
Sorry, I deleted my post- by the time I posted it I had seen you answered the questions before I asked.

Have you asked him why he doesn't want kids? Whatever it is, i think there is more to it than simply not wanting children.

I am positive that you are not the only woman going through this either.

I'm not really sure what else to say, so I'll just leave it at that.
 
A

allforfun

Guest
#20
#20
It is deceptive. It is wrong on so many levels that I think you have lost perspective because you want a baby.

I have seen this situation play out with my friends. They ended up divorcing and he never sees the child because he says she wanted the child, she can raise the child.

You can have the IUD out before the 5 years is up, that is just how long you have till it expires. So December isn't the ultimatum deadline.

I know you think your body is going "baby, baby, baby", but you really are still young. Step out of your emotions for this to be able to think about it clearly. I don't want to see you do something rash because of something you wanted, and have a domino effect happen because of it.
 
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