Tripppppppeeee, I'm going to tell you the testimony of my best friend. We met when she was 16 and I was 18. At that time she was just doing alcohol, pills. Long story short. By the time we were in our late 20s she was addicted to heroin. She became a prostitute. All during this time she knew the Lord. She lost her daughter, went through several marriages and countless men. During that time she would enter treatment programs secular and christian (thank you Teen Challenge and Victory Outreach). She would clean up for awhile and give into temptation. She has been to prison, been arrested for practically almost everything and all through that she loved the Lord and the addiction just wouldn't stop. About 8 years ago, she woke up and said, Lord I love you, I belong to you, and I want to be pleasing to you. Please Help Me. This is a prayer she prays everyday. She never misses church, she has developed a system of friends to support her when she is tempted. She has been working with a Christian therapist for several years now to address the issues that cause her to self medicate.
The things I would say to you.
Is that God loves you, but you have to say NO.
Get some help. Get into treatment.
Stay in church.
Ask your friends, relatives, church body to hold you accountable.
Ask God to remove the desire!
If you knew the slow process that almost killed my friend. The beatings, sexual abuse, lost relationships and pain she (and her family and friends) endured because she thought "I can handle it... just this one time." You would stop right now.
I will be praying for you. My heart hurts for you because I have seen what an evil liar Satan is when it comes to little things like pills and drugs. Please remind yourself of this ... Those little pills are just as dangerous as jumping out of an airplane without a parachute.
You will be in my thoughts.