Totally Numb and it Scares Me
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I hope you read my response in your previous prayer request. If not, please do so. It might help.
The thing I would keep in mind is that love is not simply a feeling, but an ongoing choice. Too many people have never been taught this by pastors and parents. Then they jeopardize their marriages by the season when they don't have the same feelings for their spouses. I've even seen this happen with parents and children who trust the Drs who put them on brain damaging drugs that destroy that part of the mind responsible for good and bad emotions.
You do what you think is right, but I will tell you what I did.
I have suffered so much from incredible loses in my life of most things that were most important to me over my lifetime.
All that is very valuable to me.
Why should I waste that suffering for naught?
Instead, I want that to motivate me to love the Lord that much more.
I want that suffering to help me to grow spiritually.
I can't change the past traumas, but can do something today even if it's learning a blessed truth from God's Word.
My new long term goals when I recover is to....
A. Reach the poor, the crippled and elderly in the assisted living/ nursing homes with the gospel.
B. Bless my Christian brothers and sisters. That is exactly who we are.
My natural sister is dead and half brother dead to me since he chose to end my Mom's life instead of speaking a word to save her. He fought me to get her home safe and sound. He is a reprobate to me. My real family are Believers in Christ..
There's more, but that's enough for now. I hope you have local church family to encourage you. If not, perhaps we can be some encouragement here as others have been for me.
To your healing
The thing I would keep in mind is that love is not simply a feeling, but an ongoing choice. Too many people have never been taught this by pastors and parents. Then they jeopardize their marriages by the season when they don't have the same feelings for their spouses. I've even seen this happen with parents and children who trust the Drs who put them on brain damaging drugs that destroy that part of the mind responsible for good and bad emotions.
You do what you think is right, but I will tell you what I did.
I have suffered so much from incredible loses in my life of most things that were most important to me over my lifetime.
All that is very valuable to me.
Why should I waste that suffering for naught?
Instead, I want that to motivate me to love the Lord that much more.
I want that suffering to help me to grow spiritually.
I can't change the past traumas, but can do something today even if it's learning a blessed truth from God's Word.
My new long term goals when I recover is to....
A. Reach the poor, the crippled and elderly in the assisted living/ nursing homes with the gospel.
B. Bless my Christian brothers and sisters. That is exactly who we are.
My natural sister is dead and half brother dead to me since he chose to end my Mom's life instead of speaking a word to save her. He fought me to get her home safe and sound. He is a reprobate to me. My real family are Believers in Christ..
There's more, but that's enough for now. I hope you have local church family to encourage you. If not, perhaps we can be some encouragement here as others have been for me.
To your healing
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It is not just forgetting! Hold on to those good memories and begin to move forward! God made you able to cherish good memories but to also grow and mature in your walk with Him. Like some said earlier, when you reach out in love to others with help and love for them you won't bury the memory of your mother but make those time even more precious! The more love you give out in Jesus name the more love that comes back to you from Jesus! He loves it when we do for others like He did! That is why Jesus is called "the way"! He is our example of how to live! Amen.
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Feelings ebb and flow, like the tide, except they are unpredictable. Truth is unchanging, rock solid and dependable. Undealt with grief wears us out. Jesus came to bind up the broken hearted. He tells us to come to Him with our burdens so we might find rest. Not grieving does not mean that you no longer love the one you lost.
I put myself through hell because of grieving. My marriage failed. My ex wife moved and refused to tell me her new address. I did not see my children for 15 years. I was tormented until I let them go. All it did was ruin my friendship with other people I cared about. I came close to losing my job and life lost all meaning. It was only God's grace that got me through.
There is nothing that you can do to change the situation. My now wife was widowed in 2011, on her birthday of all days. I and another friend were living in the home at the time because I was helping her husband with things that he could no longer do. My now wife called me at work. When I got home, the police and ambulance crew were there. My wife was at peace, offering coffee to them. I've never seen anything like it.
We talked about it later. I took her out for a birthday dinner that evening. She told me that she had cried a little but then gave the burden to Jesus. We both miss him still. I'd known him for 30 years. We can talk about him without sorrow. We know that we will see him again one day. Allow Jesus to comfort you. There is no shame in getting on with life.
I put myself through hell because of grieving. My marriage failed. My ex wife moved and refused to tell me her new address. I did not see my children for 15 years. I was tormented until I let them go. All it did was ruin my friendship with other people I cared about. I came close to losing my job and life lost all meaning. It was only God's grace that got me through.
There is nothing that you can do to change the situation. My now wife was widowed in 2011, on her birthday of all days. I and another friend were living in the home at the time because I was helping her husband with things that he could no longer do. My now wife called me at work. When I got home, the police and ambulance crew were there. My wife was at peace, offering coffee to them. I've never seen anything like it.
We talked about it later. I took her out for a birthday dinner that evening. She told me that she had cried a little but then gave the burden to Jesus. We both miss him still. I'd known him for 30 years. We can talk about him without sorrow. We know that we will see him again one day. Allow Jesus to comfort you. There is no shame in getting on with life.
Shoshie,
Please read my post in your last thread on this subject. Maybe you'll understand where I'm coming from then. I certainly cared enough to be praying and trying to understand you.
My time is spread thin as it is, so it's up to you to consider my comments of value enough to read and consider.
I never said, nor implied the assumption you just jumped to.
Once you take time to try to understand my previous posts, then I will answer any specific question you may have to the best of my ability.
I'm trying to help and be a blessing.
Peace
Please read my post in your last thread on this subject. Maybe you'll understand where I'm coming from then. I certainly cared enough to be praying and trying to understand you.
My time is spread thin as it is, so it's up to you to consider my comments of value enough to read and consider.
I never said, nor implied the assumption you just jumped to.
Once you take time to try to understand my previous posts, then I will answer any specific question you may have to the best of my ability.
I'm trying to help and be a blessing.
Peace
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I couldn't find your former reply. I have difficulty navigating this sight. I wasn't trying to be testy a d I do appreciate anyone's help. But losing 2 parents in less than 6 months, no siblings. No grandparents, no spouse. It's a real lonely empty life. I can't just pick up a replacement for my Mom. Nor would I wa t to.
Hope you understand, it's not personal but I am a real flawed human being suffering!
Hope you understand, it's not personal but I am a real flawed human being suffering!
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I understand.
I'm trying to recover as soon as possible by learning and applying God's Word. I think I am being led to some good teaching on depression and recovery from post traumatic stress experts and a bunch of other physical damage that recently occurred.
I was just thanking God this morning for helping me get 4 hours sleep last night. I recognized and acknowledged to Him gratitude for specifically leading natural Drs like Josh Axe, Peter Osborne, Jennifer Daniels and others in their studies to post details that apply specifically to my personal physical/ emotional challenges. There's no way they know what I'm going through. God led them specifically to help me. He can do that for you too.
My Dad saved my life through those people. He used others here too!
For instance, An expert in PTSD explained coping mechanisms that different people experience to deal with serious emotional trauma. I don't know, but Perhaps the numbness you are experiencing is just temporary so you can get some sleep and recover. There are many times I ask God to help me to put certain people and events out of my mind because I can't handle it/ them. Nightmares and reminders are everywhere I go. Thoughts pop into my head and I have gradually been getting a handle on them. The stress was unbearable and I decided that I can't let that psychopath devil murder me too. I have purposes that need accomplishing for the Lord!
It is a blessing that I can now get some relief so I don't die.
Women are wired differently and tend to have extra coping mechanisms that help them with extreme emotional tramas.
Our modern American culture doesn't allow any appropriate outlet for men. I had to stay strong and positive for Mom when she was alive, for her sake.
Maybe you are in survival mode to maintain sanity. As you heal, I think you will gradually be able to reminisce about your Mom and regain those feelings more than even when she was alive.
King David had such intense emotional afflictions too.
He fasted prayed and wept for his sick little baby boy from Bathsheba.
When the child died, he washed up and ate dinner. Apparently he thought through that he could not bring the baby back, but he would go to him some day. He was speaking about Heaven.
There are many times I have had to do the same.
The stress hormones that occur stay in the blood stream and circulates, causing physical harm to organs until it's deactivated by exercise and a number of other things.
Grief can literally cause serious health problems like mine. There have been numerous traumas leading up to the death and several more recently. I would have been dead right now if not for God's mercy. There is no way to heal if I'm focused on my dead loved ones all the time right now, especially when I have nobody here to love and to comfort me.
That said, I would just thank the Lord for showing you comfort and mercy. As time goes on, fond memories should start returning as you are able to handle them and greater love as you can process them in a healthy, less stressful manor is my simple opinion. I might be wrong, but it might be worth considering as you go through this process that the change in feelings is a dynamic and temporary response to your distress.
Can you lose your salvation?
The Good News
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I appreciate everything you shared and I apologize sincerely if I have been in any way hurtful or insincere in response to you. Your experiences seem really traumatic. Sounds like the Lord is helping you to navigate through all of this with his strength.
My struggles have been, I'm an only child. In December 2024 on Father's Day, my stepdad passed away. We were very close. He had become my Dad. My Mom was his primary caregiver but her own health sometimes prohibited her from doing a lot of the physical things at the end, so I did them. Jerry was a godly man who loved us both very much. While marrying later in life, they hadvlovedxeach other since she was 16 and he 18.
My Mom had horrible arthritis throughout her body which prohibited her from sitting up sometimes, walking, being adjusted in the bed,etc. Additionally, she had been diagnosed with AFib. We had initial problems with getting heart rate down. She bled out once from the blood thinner. Finally, however, the cardiac part was good. Then there was a point where it seemed she had occipital neuralgia and couldn't lay her head down without pain. That she did recover from. My Mom was the most giving, caring person you could ever meet. We were so close!!!She was my best friend, .my mentor, she was a wonderful Christian woman who loved her family dearly. She was under Hospice care for about a week when she died but I was her primary caregiver all those months prior and to the end. I have second- guessed everything I did and felt guilt about things.
The day she died, I was numb and questioned all my responses. I had applied for early retirement (I am 64) and I thought our 2 checks woukd do it even with a mortgage payment. I didn't want her to go to a nursing home.
She was a retired nurse. In 2010, her Mom died. She had bee. Her caregiver for 13 years, the next year her Dad died. Her parents were divorced and he lived in another state but she had offered for him to live with us when he took sick after my grandma died. That was 2011. Then, also in 2011 my biological fatger died and Jerry had a stroke. It was either that year or the next a tree fell on our mobile home. In 2013, on a cold rainy December day, we moved into our house. It was during the Fannie Mae/Freddie Mack thing so getting a home was torture.
So you see, its been a lot!!!
And all I hear is get out, go for a walk. Do this. Do that. And ma y of these people have been through loss so I know many are speaking from experience and yet, if I do these things it's artificial because I still cone back to this lonely house and have hours to kill.
I have been looking for work and have an interview Monday. This plus social security should take care of the expenses.
My big thing is, I don't want to ever forget my Mom or stop missing her and when my feelings are not there I feel frightened I will!!!
I am starting a grief counseling group Sunday at a local church and have books on grief. For the first time the other night I broke down and took an Ativan . I asked several folks if they thought it was okay under the circumstance
and they all said yes.I really slept which had been something I hadn't been able to do.
I admit, I've felt the gamut of emotions from nothing to everything from total despair to numbness. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy!
So, I am sorry I have probably worn you out from my rambling gs but this is where I'm at.
Again, I apologize to you if I in any way hurt, or offended ypu. You were trying to help me and boy do I need it!
My struggles have been, I'm an only child. In December 2024 on Father's Day, my stepdad passed away. We were very close. He had become my Dad. My Mom was his primary caregiver but her own health sometimes prohibited her from doing a lot of the physical things at the end, so I did them. Jerry was a godly man who loved us both very much. While marrying later in life, they hadvlovedxeach other since she was 16 and he 18.
My Mom had horrible arthritis throughout her body which prohibited her from sitting up sometimes, walking, being adjusted in the bed,etc. Additionally, she had been diagnosed with AFib. We had initial problems with getting heart rate down. She bled out once from the blood thinner. Finally, however, the cardiac part was good. Then there was a point where it seemed she had occipital neuralgia and couldn't lay her head down without pain. That she did recover from. My Mom was the most giving, caring person you could ever meet. We were so close!!!She was my best friend, .my mentor, she was a wonderful Christian woman who loved her family dearly. She was under Hospice care for about a week when she died but I was her primary caregiver all those months prior and to the end. I have second- guessed everything I did and felt guilt about things.
The day she died, I was numb and questioned all my responses. I had applied for early retirement (I am 64) and I thought our 2 checks woukd do it even with a mortgage payment. I didn't want her to go to a nursing home.
She was a retired nurse. In 2010, her Mom died. She had bee. Her caregiver for 13 years, the next year her Dad died. Her parents were divorced and he lived in another state but she had offered for him to live with us when he took sick after my grandma died. That was 2011. Then, also in 2011 my biological fatger died and Jerry had a stroke. It was either that year or the next a tree fell on our mobile home. In 2013, on a cold rainy December day, we moved into our house. It was during the Fannie Mae/Freddie Mack thing so getting a home was torture.
So you see, its been a lot!!!
And all I hear is get out, go for a walk. Do this. Do that. And ma y of these people have been through loss so I know many are speaking from experience and yet, if I do these things it's artificial because I still cone back to this lonely house and have hours to kill.
I have been looking for work and have an interview Monday. This plus social security should take care of the expenses.
My big thing is, I don't want to ever forget my Mom or stop missing her and when my feelings are not there I feel frightened I will!!!
I am starting a grief counseling group Sunday at a local church and have books on grief. For the first time the other night I broke down and took an Ativan . I asked several folks if they thought it was okay under the circumstance
and they all said yes.I really slept which had been something I hadn't been able to do.
I admit, I've felt the gamut of emotions from nothing to everything from total despair to numbness. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy!
So, I am sorry I have probably worn you out from my rambling gs but this is where I'm at.
Again, I apologize to you if I in any way hurt, or offended ypu. You were trying to help me and boy do I need it!
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A song is playing "Alright Rhett Walker.. not by chance its playing now.. heres part of it. I understand I do.. I when I thought about my mom if I was her what would I want? I'd love my kids to call me so forth. Oh I always wanted her to all me but.. she didn't.. So I just made her happy. I would call her ever week. She was my best friend.. well don't like this.. makes me cry. Just before she went home I get this phone call from her "Danny I love you so much". Then right after that she went home. This moment that scares you? Its ok.. trust me it will pass.. you will never lose those feelings.. praise God then the song..
Everything is gonna be alright
Even in the rain, we're singing all night
There's a little piece of Heaven in the sunrise
Open your eyes, you'll see
That everything's gonna be alright, alright
Everything is gonna be, everything is gonna be alright, alright
Everything is gonna be, everything is gonna be
Everything is gonna be alright
Even in the rain, we're singing all night
There's a little piece of Heaven in the sunrise
Open your eyes, you'll see
That everything's gonna be alright, alright
Everything is gonna be, everything is gonna be alright, alright
Everything is gonna be, everything is gonna be
No worries. We can all get a little emotional when we lack sleep and been through so much. I tend to be more emotional from lack of sleep and have to avoid triggers. I hope and pray that you find help with your grief counseling group. May the Lord bless you with restorative sleep and a good job as soon as you are ready.
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Just wanted you to know, I did go to my group. It was a good but hard session. I felt raw with fear and pain, but so did others there. It's a Christian group so they also are looking to the same source. I had a job interview today. I think it went well. Shoukd know by the end of the week. Thank you for the prayers!!! Prayers for you, my friend!!!
Shoshie
Shoshie
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Thank you, the words and lyrics meant an awful.lot!!! I am sleeping better. I went for a job interview today. It went really well. Should know something by the end of the week. Felt my Mom with me all day. Miss her very much, but bittersweet. After the interview, I wrnt somewhere we used to go together and also with my Dad who died last June. Bless you!
Shoshie
Shoshie
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My former church has a group they call Grief Share. I think it's helped a lot of people. I've read part of the work book that they use.
I'm unable to attend or would be there myself.
I'm glad that that your interview went well. Thanks for the prayers. I can tell that the Lord is working in specific ways.
I'm unable to attend or would be there myself.
I'm glad that that your interview went well. Thanks for the prayers. I can tell that the Lord is working in specific ways.
That's the name of my group. My first session (but their 5th) was on fear. CS Lewis said grief feels an awful lot like fear and it does! I think it's , at least in me, an emotion that just surfaces and can be paralyzing like when soneone hurts you and you feel wounded inside!
Anyway, if you can get into one of the groups, even if it's at another church from your own, that would be great. My church provided me with a series of books (4) by Kenneth C. Hack. They are really, really good(really enlightened me that all the things I thought were crazy were quite normal), but my church doesn't have a group so I wrnt to a church I was familiar with and everybody, leader and all, were supportive and kind!
I'm praying for you!
Shoshie
Anyway, if you can get into one of the groups, even if it's at another church from your own, that would be great. My church provided me with a series of books (4) by Kenneth C. Hack. They are really, really good(really enlightened me that all the things I thought were crazy were quite normal), but my church doesn't have a group so I wrnt to a church I was familiar with and everybody, leader and all, were supportive and kind!
I'm praying for you!
Shoshie
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Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
—Galatians 6:9
—Galatians 6:9