Am I being unreasonable ?

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Suze

Suze

Well-known member
#1
Mar 14, 2025
474
268
63
#1
I'm experiencing an aggressive attitude from my mum's carer , towards me . Yesterday , Tuesday , she poked the top of my scalp with her acrylic finger nail .
It's a complex relationship between my mum and her carer , they r both mentally ill and very codependent .
I've pretty much had enough of the pair of them and would really like to distance myself from them . My mum is a very narcissistic psychopath ( not kidding ) I don't know her carers diagnosis but they r in fact , as vulnerable as they r nasty . I don't really want to b any where near either of them any more but also don't want to abandon my mum , she's a lonely miserable person who's only pleasure is in belittling and manipulating those around her without them realising it .
Things r coming to a head now with this last incident . I'm not afraid of either of them as I'm very capable of defending myself , physically or verbally , it's just that I don't want to have to do that . I just don't know what to do any more . Any guidance would b appreciated ❤️ .
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#2
Aug 13, 2014
29,201
10,575
113
#2
Sounds like you need professional help. And I don't mean a psychologist.

My aunt w*rks at a nursing home, as activities director. Helping her with stuff, I've seen a lot of elderly people. In a situation like you describe, I'd get professional help from someone who has made it his job to deal with elderly, uncooperative people.
 
Magenta

Magenta

Senior Member
#3
Jul 3, 2015
64,901
33,061
113
#3
Clearly articulating boundaries might help. Your mom's sadistic caregiver should know that physical contact is unwelcome.
 
Suze

Suze

Well-known member
#4
Mar 14, 2025
474
268
63
#4
Lynx said:
Sounds like you need professional help. And I don't mean a psychologist.

My aunt w*rks at a nursing home, as activities director. Helping her with stuff, I've seen a lot of elderly people. In a situation like you describe, I'd get professional help from someone who has made it his job to deal with elderly, uncooperative people.
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Thank you Lynx , my mum won't go into a home, she would have to b incapable before that would happen , plus she has all of her faculties . Her carer is , my now , deceased step dad's niece . She isn't very bright and is very vulnerable but also mentally ill . My mum is an expert at detecting when a person is vulnerable , she then moves in on them , tells them what they want to hear and then turns them into her thrall 😆😆😆 this sounds melodramatic but I promise it's true . She's done it to at least 3 other vulnerable people in her life . Being a psychopath she's an expert manipulator and actress .
My mum really needs her carer to remain independent and in her own home , she knows this so she has really wormed her way under her skin , flattering her , backing her up , agreeing with her , paying her a lot of money etc . So , my mum doesn't need me as much as she needs her carer , I'm not physically capable of doing the things that the carer does . I just go to my mum's twice a week , I go to the shops for her and if there r any jobs the carer didn't do that day I will do them , water the garden , take the rubbish out etc .
I only actually c the carer for about 15 or 20 minutes on those two days and , in those few minutes , the carer is unable to control her aggression towards me , even though I know I have not done anything that justifies or explains her attitude towards me . I know where it's coming from , it's coming from my mum 😞 she has always been emotionally abusive towards me, since I was a small child , she genuinely can't help herself , she's a psychopath , its what they do and I am quite hardened and used to it now . However, inciting her carer to b physically violent to me is crossing the line , I won't stand for it . My dad beat me from when I was a baby until I was 7 ,he went to jail for it , my mam didn't try to stop him . That's the kind of person she is . I won't tolerate anyone putting their hands on me , it provokes a very strong response from me because of what my dad did .
The carer has done it twice now and I've kept my cool but no more . After the carer left , I told my mam that she needed to speak to her about it because I won't put up with it . My mam pretended , like the last time also , that she didn't c it , which is a lie , I saw my mum's face react when it happened .
Anyhow , I've texted my mum a few times since the incident and she's not said to me: I've talked to Mel and told her she can't do that . U would have thought she would have kept me informed but no , she's enjoying building the tension 🥴 . I go back there on Friday and I have an idea how it will go : I'm so sorry , didnt mean it like that etc etc , making me out to b overreacting . Thanks for listening . It makes me sad because I do know that my mum is lonely and miserable and I always try to cheer her up when I go , make her laugh etc . If I stop going she will miss me for sure , only a couple of other people go even though we have a big family , my mum has pushed a lot of people away with her behaviour and then she genuinely doesn't understand why people don't visit . She doesn't have much insight into how her behaviour affects others , it's all a bit of a game to her and she has zero empathy for anyone other than herself . Mel the carer is definitely not going anywhere , not a chance , my mum is wrapped around her like an anaconda 🐍 . I'll c what happens in Friday , with those two it could go any way 🤷 . Thanks again Lynx 😜 .
 
Suze

Suze

Well-known member
#5
Mar 14, 2025
474
268
63
#5
Magenta said:
Clearly articulating boundaries might help. Your mom's sadistic caregiver should know that physical contact is unwelcome.
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Thanks Magenta , u r of course correct . Honestly , I feel sorry for them both . Mel the carer is very vulnerable but also agressive , a bit like an insecure pit bull 😁 . She doesn't have good boundary sense at all and she has shown this with others . Shes a single mum who made her son sleep in her bed with her until he was 11 years old , she's deliberately tried to spilt up her brothers marriage etc and she's totally unrepentant , always in the right . She accused her grandsons step dad of abusing her grandson , there was an investigation and the man was totally cleared and because of the accusation she didn't get to c her grandson for years but she still thinks she did the right thing 😬 . I have a very very long fuse , I can and have put up with all sorts of c--p from people because I'm a cool customer 😜 but I don't put up with physical aggression from anyone . I did tell my mum that she needed to have a word with Mel about this because im not gonna put up with it , that was Tuesday and although I've texted my mum a few times since then , she hasn't mentioned that she's spoken to Mel . I guess I shall c what awaits me on Friday when I go . I've given a bigger explanation to Lynx if u have the inclination to read it . Thank you for listening , I don't say too much about my feelings to my husband as he's very protective of me and he would b furious if I told him the details , I tell him the basics but don't let him know soecuy what goes on or he would ask me not to go there any more . I appreciate u responding and giving me the chance to get this off my chest ❤️
 
Gideon300

Gideon300

Well-known member
#6
Mar 18, 2021
6,203
3,861
113
Frankston, Victoria
christianlife.au
#6
Suze said:
I'm experiencing an aggressive attitude from my mum's carer , towards me . Yesterday , Tuesday , she poked the top of my scalp with her acrylic finger nail .
It's a complex relationship between my mum and her carer , they r both mentally ill and very codependent .
I've pretty much had enough of the pair of them and would really like to distance myself from them . My mum is a very narcissistic psychopath ( not kidding ) I don't know her carers diagnosis but they r in fact , as vulnerable as they r nasty . I don't really want to b any where near either of them any more but also don't want to abandon my mum , she's a lonely miserable person who's only pleasure is in belittling and manipulating those around her without them realising it .
Things r coming to a head now with this last incident . I'm not afraid of either of them as I'm very capable of defending myself , physically or verbally , it's just that I don't want to have to do that . I just don't know what to do any more . Any guidance would b appreciated ❤️ .
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You do not have to endure physical abuse. "Turn the other cheek" refers to being insulted, not physically abused. Warn your mother the carer that you won't put up with it. As someone else said, you may need to bring in an aged care specialist. I know a widow, a believer, who had a complete meltdown. I had to call an ambulance for her. The ambulance crew could do nothing, so eventually they called the police, to which I had to agree. I felt terrible. but there was no option. She received appropriate treatment and has been fine for several years now. The trigger for the situation is still not known.

Be led by the Lord. He will lead you and guide you.
 
Suze

Suze

Well-known member
#7
Mar 14, 2025
474
268
63
#7
Gideon300 said:
You do not have to endure physical abuse. "Turn the other cheek" refers to being insulted, not physically abused. Warn your mother the carer that you won't put up with it. As someone else said, you may need to bring in an aged care specialist. I know a widow, a believer, who had a complete meltdown. I had to call an ambulance for her. The ambulance crew could do nothing, so eventually they called the police, to which I had to agree. I felt terrible. but there was no option. She received appropriate treatment and has been fine for several years now. The trigger for the situation is still not known.

Be led by the Lord. He will lead you and guide you.
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Thank you ❤️
 
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