New to this sort of thing but interested

[cjjoli]

I have been separated for about a year and a half I guess, technically. My husband and I continued a realtionship while living apart for a number of months until last Dec 5th of 2010. Thats when I found out he was dating and sleeping with another woman! I was truly crushed having not a clue that he was looking for someone else. He's been with her now almost a year and in that time I have been doing alot to try to get my life in order and move on. We are in the process of getting a divorce, which I never thought I would do but can no longer be married to a man who lives with another woman. We share a daughter who is almost 12 years old and she too has had alot of adjustments to make as is expected I guess. Recently I have been feeling like I would like to try to meet someone and develope a relationship that would be based on a friendship first and would be with someone who shares the same beliefs I do about God and life in general. I am 37 years old and have a pretty good sense of humour which is something I also enjoy in other people. As I said in the title I am completely new to this sort of thing and have no idea where to start. So if there are men who are looking for a friendship and possibly more in the future who read this and want more information on me please contact me on the site if thats how it works here. If there are woman who wish to offer advice or men who wish to offer advice I am open to hearing some.
thankyou for taking the time to read this.
cjjoli

 

[GreenNnice]

I didn't vote because your dating someone else is dependent on one thing: The Lord.

Now how will that relationship work with Him? He will tell.you through prayer to Him.

God bless you through this suffering time of your life, but your faith in God will get you through this time of sufferage as the Devil cannot get to you through your TRUST in God in this trying time.

Chapter 5 of I Peter says: Cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.

At the same time, in the very NEXT verse, in fact, it says, too: Be sober, be vigilant, because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour .

Then, the very next verse says: Resist him (the devil) , being steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood (or, sisterhood) in the world

 

[zeroturbulence]

But if the husband or wife who isn't a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the Christian husband or wife is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace.
- 1 Corinthians 7:15 (NLT)

 

[Ugly]

I'd suggest waiting til the divorce is final. Its a tricky spot, but i suppose technically you're still 'married' until the divorce is final, so to start dating means to date while married. I'm not exactly sure if God would see it that way or not, but better to err on the side of safety than risking doing the wrong thing.
Another thing is you're better off not rushing into another relationship. You need to slow down, take the time to ensure that you're healed from the past one, form the shock and disappointment of him sleeping with someone else, and make sure to consider any changes you may have to make in yourself as a wife.
Lastly you need to consider your daughter. It may not be healthy for her for you to run off and focus on finding a new man. She may not be ready for that. Rather than investing your time into finding a man, invest your time in ensuring your daughters emotional and psychological stresses are worked out as a result of the divorce. I'd say maybe take a year off from men, focus on your own healing, and your daughters. Also by doing that it's less likely you'll make a mistake in choosing a spouse. I know it's hard to hold off, i'm 36 and never married, so i understand, but better to wait and do it right than rush it and regret it.

 

[Jilly81]

Cjjoli, I have to admit, I voted that you should wait until the divorce is final, but it was without really thinking through it (I don't know if the laws in your country require you to wait an extremely long time before officially divorcing) . Since your ex-husband cheated on you, you certainly have every right to leave him, even Biblically, and I'm glad that you are. In general, I agree with each of the guys who posted before me. I'd like to add that I'd seek the Lord for awhile, not jumping into a relationship, and keep the relationship platonic if you do feel led to become closer to a specific guy friend. I know it's hard knowing that that may mean not having a husband for awhile, but Jesus is definitely worth obeying, and I've never dated at all, so it's not like I'm saying this not knowing how it feels. Jesus can take away our lonely feelings; I've found that He always does or holds us and makes the emotions tolerable .

 

[cjjoli]

Thankyou to all of you for your advice. I suppose I know that its not time yet. The thing is this is the longest I have ever been alone, without a man I mean. I don't have my parents anymore and no family in the area. I thought that I was getting to a place where I have done alot of soul searching, trying to learn what lessons are meant to be learned. I have been doing alot of looking back at myself and my husband and our marriage. I see so much more clearly the mistakes we both made, I wish so much that I could have had the chance to get this perspective before he moved on with someone else and maybe we could have saved our marriage. Unfortunately its too late for that and you know what they say about hind sight being 20/20. My daughter is the most important person in the world to me, I feel so upset with myself for putting her through this!!! I have tried to encourage a support group for kids that is affiliated with the support group for adults going through separation and divorce that I attend. They have no other children in the group as of yet so I can't convince her to try it out. I was very surprised to find that there is very little in the way of support for people going through divorce considering how high the divorce rate is! I would never take time away from my daughter for another man, which unfortunately my husband has been doing. When she is with her dad I don't know what to do with myself. I cry out to God for his healing and most of the time I feel like I have come a long way. Strangely the last couple of days since I wrote here I guess I have felt more vulnerable and emotional then I've felt for months. Maybe that is my answer right there. I know God is with me and feels my pain. I also know that God will help me through this and that the devil really is like a lion laying in wait, for I can feel him breathing down my neck every so often! I thank you again for taking the time to read and respond to my post and I will ask you also to pray for me for God to guide me and take away the loneliness.
God Bless you all!
cjjoli

 

[onelastwish]

"The thing is this is the longest I have ever been alone, without a man I mean."

I think you hit on something right there. It sounds like your loneliness is the big culprit, the longing to have someone just around. I've been there... But please don't get back into the dating scene too quickly!!! It's one of the biggest mistakes people make, and usually only leads to another miserable relationship =/

If you're into reading, check out "Single, Married, Separated, & Life after Divorce" by Myles Munroe. I'll personally say I don't agree with everything in that book, but I do think he hits on some key points. The main point is we should all be striving to be single and what that means within God. "To be single means to be all one (alone), separate, unique and whole." and we should take our "singleness" into a relationship. Basically it means knowing yourself and your relationship with God before pursing a romantic relationship with someone else, so your identity doesn't get lost in the relationship.

=)

 

[cjjoli]

Onelastwish,
Thankyou for your thoughts and your time! I realize as the days go by since I first wrote I am so not ready. I have had some kind of set back with my emotions! Frustration and feelings of anger and hurt are surfacing again! I thought I was getting much better but still need work I guess! My husband is having a 50th anniversary party in Oct for his parents and they want my daughter to be there with his girlfriend and everyone but not me! Ofcourse not me I know we have been apart for a while now and its normal I guess but hurts still just as much! I didn't just lose a marriage and my security and everything I counted on I lost a family. Having both my parents being dead and no family close by I do feel lonely I wish sometimes I could be like my husband and just run into something knew to avoid these feelings!! I know it would be wrong and won't work and won't be good for my daughter most importantly so I don't but the pain is so raw at times it feels like it will tear me in 2! I had a bad day today and cried out to God for his help!!! I want to say that I fell his arms around me but today I don't. Wow I sound pathetic today I know. I should end for now. Please keep me in your prayers and thanks again for your support and kindness.
cjjoli

 

[onelastwish]

I will definitely keep ya in my prayers =)

I've been in the same place you are, its so overwhelming at times and seems like everything crashes at once, but things will get better!!!!! I'm not sure if they have Divorce Care are you or not, but it has been a great help to me. DivorceCare: Divorce Recovery Support Groups
It helps create a support group with people in a similar situation and kinda guides ya through several areas. It's NOT just for people going through a divorce, but also separation.

I still have my bad days, but there is hope! Things will get better =)

 

[cjjoli]

Yes they do and this is my second go around with them, it does help! How long have you been divorced? Thankyou for your prayers. Have you moved on ?
cjjoli

 

[simplyAnnie]

Yes they do and this is my second go around with them, it does help! How long have you been divorced? Thankyou for your prayers. Have you moved on ?
cjjoli

Prayed for you Cjjoli, I pray that you be steadfast in waiting for God's will in your life as you continually seek it.

God bless you.

 

[cjjoli]

thanks simplyAnnie for your prayer! thankyou so much!

 

[GreenNnice]

thanks simplyAnnie for your prayer! thankyou so much!

---
I'm praying for you too, for the Lord to do a MIGHTY work on your heart and your husband's heart, that you can BOTH see what is best for each per Godly infused Holy Spirit given advice. Listen now

I pray too, cjBHisjoli that someone (not a man, likely) who has experienced the pain of what you are going through right now , or, someone just who has the right 'friend' qualities now to account friendship to you.. And I think that kind of support is the best kind as we can see we are not alone. The Lord leads.

God bless you for coming on c.c. and spreading your life on a plate, the c.c. ladies on here too may have/be just the holy friend(s) you need too. Take EVERYTHING to God in prayer

 

[GreenNnice]

---
I'm praying for you too, for the Lord to do a MIGHTY work on your heart and your husband's heart, that you can BOTH see what is best for each per Godly infused Holy Spirit given advice. Listen now

I pray too, cjBHisjoli that someone (not a man, likely) who has experienced the pain of what you are going through right now , or, someone just who has the right 'friend' qualities now to account friendship to you.. And I think that kind of support is the best kind as we can see we are not alone. The Lord leads.

God bless you for coming on c.c. and spreading your life on a plate, the c.c. ladies on here too may have/be just the holy friend(s) you need too. Take EVERYTHING to God in prayer

---
CjBHisjoli.
By that, I mean, be God's , cj. Be His little girl now, how you were when playing with barbie and throwing G.I. Joe across the room when he was rude to her And feel all the Love from Him that is so agape and share that Love with your daughter. Let God work on your heart regarding your husband and your future acceptance of custody and other issues as kids can choose which parent they want to be with at the age your daughter is at now. Be acceptive of God's will in your inmediatez future, LET God work and build in you NEW WORK , maybe even, new works Show your daughter how much you love her and ALWAYS keep.your conversations and meaning of life showing her YOU are God's and she is a child of the King .

You will get through this, I see your temptation now Satan using of loneliness and thinking a new man best but, like jill said, Jesus can take away our loneliness, but only IF you submit to His authority , doing it faithfully, fervently, wholly holy, cjjoli . God bless you for submitting your life NOW to God, for letting Him show you what is best now for yours and your daugter's lives now, letting His power grOW you.

 

[Jilly81]

---
when playing with barbie and throwing G.I. Joe across the room when he was rude to her

I wanted to comment, but didn't know the best thing to say, Green....thank you for your defense of Barbie when GI Joe was being a jerk?

--- like jill said, Jesus can take away our loneliness, but only IF you submit to His authority , doing it faithfully, fervently, wholly holy, cjjoli . .

I agree with what you said, Green. Although I didn't mean it this way, sometimes I make it sound as though you can just say, "Okay, Jesus. I'm willing to accept love now. Make me feel better". That's not the case. The more blessable we are, the more He can bless us .

 

[GreenNnice]

I'd suggest waiting til the divorce is final. Its a tricky spot, but i suppose technically you're still 'married' until the divorce is final, so to start dating means to date while married. I'm not exactly sure if God would see it that way or not, but better to err on the side of safety than risking doing the wrong thing.
Another thing is you're better off not rushing into another relationship. You need to slow down, take the time to ensure that you're healed from the past one, form the shock and disappointment of him sleeping with someone else, and make sure to consider any changes you may have to make in yourself as a wife.
Lastly you need to consider your daughter. It may not be healthy for her for you to run off and focus on finding a new man. She may not be ready for that. Rather than investing your time into finding a man, invest your time in ensuring your daughters emotional and psychological stresses are worked out as a result of the divorce. I'd say maybe take a year off from men, focus on your own healing, and your daughters. Also by doing that it's less likely you'll make a mistake in choosing a spouse. I know it's hard to hold off, i'm 36 and never married, so i understand, but better to wait and do it right than rush it and regret it.

---
This is well said, Ug. May God bless you.

---
Oh, I see, jilly, , Yes, blessable, that is good, I was misunderstanding you then, my green brains need to go to an interpretive center

 

[AAAPlus]

I didn't vote because this thread assumes that if you divorce, you can just move on to marry someone else.

The Bible says that if someone divorces, they must NOT re-marry, or else be reconciled to their original spouse. Many Christians think that you can just "be forgiven" though and marry someone else.

The problem with this opinion though is that Jesus does not call us SIMPLY TO BE FORGIVEN, but He calls us to REPENT. REPENTANCE IS NOT THE SAME AS FORGIVENESS. Repentance is to admit you're wrong and turn away from your sin, which in the case of marriage would mean re-marrying the original spouse or else staying single. Marrying someone else would make you and the person you marry an adulterer, and there is NO PLACE IN THE KINGDOM OF GOD FOR AN ADULTERER. Why? Because the Bible says so. If you disagree with the Bible, you disagree with God.

And it's not as simple as just committing adultery. Adultery can be forgiven; it is shown in the Bible. But marrying someone else makes you an adulterer. Big difference between committing adultery and being an adulterer. The Bible clearly states that no adulterer will enter the kingdom of God.

If you could just "be forgiven" and re-marry, how would there be any sanctity in marriage? It would be just like dating. In DATING, if it doesn't work out you can just part ways and find someone else.

Yeah, it sucks if you end up marrying someone where it doesn't work out, but that's the risk you take. No two people are going to get along all the time, but God intended us to work it out, not just leave. And yeah, in some situations a partner cheats on the other...but that's where YOU need to forgive, not RECEIVE forgiveness. It just means you have to be careful in choosing a partner. And once you find that partner, keep working at it. If you know that there is no other option other than being single the rest of your life, people will be more willing to work things out rather than leaving.

So if you've been married before and it didn't work out, pray for God to change your and your spouse's hearts. And for now, just be content. Being married isn't everything, and if you think it is, then maybe you're part of a different Kingdom, rather than one that worships the Lord. Maybe you're part of one that worships YOU.

And if you're still single, remember that you only get one shot at this. Don't blow it. Find someone who believes the same as you, know it's going to be hard at times, and work at it. Find someone who, above all, loves God and believes in the sanctity of marriage.

 

[Henry_YZ]

I think that if you felt bad about your husband being with another woman while you were both still married, then you're already answering your own question. You probably felt that the proper thing to do was at least getting a divorce before starting a new relationship with someone else.

Is there such a rush that someone can't wait to properly get divorced before starting a new relationship? I guess someone whose marriage is ending might feel the urge to start a new relationship since they're used to being with someone; but as always, rush can bring problems.

So a good advice would be to take things slowly and do things properly. You already had a heartache and you don't want to bring yourself more by making bad decisions caused by the first heartache.