I guess ill write some of my story here as i figure it might be nice, or helpful!
At 16 years old I was taken by a grown man who I had met online.
Backstory:
We had met when I was around 14 years of age, almost 15. I had told him I was 16. He had lied about his age as well, he was 36. I was lead to believe that he was 18, then 22, then 25.
This man had a wife, and was an illegal immigrant. His wife was with him for money and support, and he was with her for documents.
I did not know almost any of this until months after we had met, but at that point I had fallen in love, as strange as that sounds.
He was abusive the whole time emotionally, and verbally. He had threatened to leave me many times over when I had voiced concerns over some of our actions. He had created a porn account of me, on instagram, with the images he asked for and was using my pictures to catfish men online, possibly for money. I am not sure of his intents. He gained a decent following. I did ask that he would take the account down, however he didn't want to. He wouldnt. Anytime I had disagreed he would threaten to leave and I did whatever he asked because I genuinely loved him.
When I turned 16 my home life was very crazy, my brother was in a lot of legal trouble and my sister left. My parents turned off the internet, and my ex(the 36 year old man) got scared so he talked to his wife who then went with him to pick me up. I had no idea they were on there way until he contacted a close friend of mine.
After 3-4 days they were here and my brother, who actually was home for once saw me leave. I felt horrible leaving, but I knew I had to. At least it felt that way. They drove so long to come and get me. They said I had a choice but it didnt feel as if I did, especially given that I knew that if I didn't follow my ex would had left me.
For the rest of the story Ill kind of leave out details to some extent,
The first night we ended up being intimate, which was horrible. I didnt want to really, but I had no voice. It didnt traumatize me at first, as I thought It was normal. I did not have proper education about these things. I had no knowladge of consent. Later now, I hurt more.
After we arrived in Florida I found out he had no money, and was maxing out his credit cards. He blamed me for this. He was a very rude and verbally violent man. He would yell at me for hours.
We soon after went homeless, and we stayed with freinds of his, house hopping occasionally. During this time he pimped me out online to make money for food. He did not get a job, for whatever reason(he lied and told me it was because he lacked work documents)
He was very controling throughout this process.
At the age of 18 he got me my ID and we had signed up for a online site for sex work. He had me doing that. I payed all of the bills, cleaned everything, did all of the cooking and worked a job I hated. He exploited those who followed me, handled everything, lied to all and abused me. It was very frustrating. At the time I was not christian, I did not see an issue with legal sex work, but I had a major issue with the lying and stealing.
Once again I did not have a voice. Anytime I would speak up he would get angry and yell and belittle me for hours. He would make threats and I just would sit back and take that. I was scared.
Eventually I left, and he promised me he would change but didnt.
Then I caught him looking at what seemed to be sexually explicit material of children or...maybe..it was disturbing. Anyway, that caused me to leave.
There's a weird shame about verbal abuse, and mental abuse/manipulation. You stay, even when you know its wrong. That can kind of lead you to blame yourself. Not only that, people say things like "why didn't you leave", or "you know you could have left". These comments dont exactly help. Its hard to leave. You become so used to being torn down, you kind of loose yourself. You become totally codependent on this person for sense of being. You feel lost without them. They mean the world to you somehow. Its strange. I did love my ex, but im glad im out of that situation.
Now im 23 and Christian. I have come to terms with everything that had happened. I still talk with the Man today and he genuinely has changed, from what Ive seen. I forgive him. I will never fully trust him though.
There's benefits I had learned afterwards like independence, when and what I will allow for myself, self respect towrds my body and its value, and how to handle conflict with a very angry irrational foolish tempered person. It helped me become much more patient, and somewhat compassionate after the initial anger subsided. I look back and see many good memories as well as bad.
My main take away for an outsider would be that you cant force someone to leave, that we will do what we want. That it seems easy to leave but that its hard. We have been degraded unto the point we feel less than human. We feel lost without whoever. We even at times feel like we deserve it, that if we just did whatever they wanted things would be loving and nice. We dont always understand, and if we did, chances are love would keep us there. But still, feel free to educate. Just dont become embittered when we stay. It reinforces our shame.
For those in the abusive relationship my main take away is that its hard, and it sucks. You probably have a faint desire for things to be better and youre hoping that if you just stay you will feel loved more completely. This may or may not happen, but chances are if you do not have a voice and have seen no change, it probably won't happen. You dont have to stay, you're worth more, but if you stay there is no shame for you. You deserve understanding and compassion. It is hard.
And also if you've left,
Also dont let the past embitter you forever, theres a time for righteous anger, but one day you'll have to move on and learn to forgive and love. You will be able to grow and move past it, and you may never be the same but you'll have more wisdom by your side. God let's everything happen for a reason. You can grow and learn from the situation, no matter how hard. You will heal, life is not hopeless.
Also please no sympathy! It sounds weird, I know its good and normal to empathize with people and all that. I just would rather not be dragged back into all of the emotions and what not. I may have healed for the most part, but it can be easy to fall back into the past if I dwell there long enough. I like to move on and take the good, and try to forget the bad as best as possible. I only go back when significant or helpful.