Husband to be (by God's grace)

[Dorothea]

We've been together 2 years and are not married yet due to finances. But I'm really struggling with his personality recently. I only started to see all this during the 2nd year of our relationship. He doesn't keep his word, not on purpose but things will come up and he'll forget or prioritise something else. He's not very clear when he speaks, he'll keep things kinda ambiguous in order to avoid committing to what he says and then when I confront him about it he'd defend himself with technicalities. Like for example. He said he was going to come see me the day before I travelled. I assumed he'd come so we could spend time before I left, but he tried to come at the end of the day where I was finalising packing and didn't have time to spend time with him then. He just assumed we'd spend 10 minutes together before I go but I thought we would spend more time than that.

It always appears that anytime he makes a statement, it's never what I thought it would be, it's always some technicality that barely gets the passing mark. I don't feel I can trust what he says because I will believe it to be one way but in reality it will turn out completely different and this is for everyday matters. He's not really accountable for his actions, he rarely says sorry, doesn't acknowledge the fact that he doesn't keep his word and when I tell him things that have upset me, he'll just deflect everything. He struggles with communication, he didn't tell me things like where he was living, what job he has now etc. He told me because at the time he was embarrassed about those things but I still need to know those things.
The mix of all these things make it difficult to trust him and his word because I never know what I'm going to get with him. If he says something he doesn't keep it and even the thing won't be what I expected. We've had hundreds of conversations about these issues but I'm not really seeing any change. Even til now, I still don't really know what he thinks about all of this because he never gives me a straight answer, everything is always ambiguous and if I want any type of clarity or communication, I have to drag it out of him.

He's a good guy, very loving and I believe he's genuine about us and our relationship. He wants to change but it's almost as though he's not capable of doing that. I'm very confused because it's been months of having these conversations and our relationship deteriorating because of it. He's been through a lot this year which is really sparked these issues but he's been doing better for a little while. It's like he doesn't understand what I need from him and if he does, he doesn't/can't give it to me. We spoke the other day and he asked me to not give up on us. I'm really at a point where I don't know what to do. I've prayed and tried different solutions and have communicated super honestly, directly and clearly about how I feel but I'm not getting that back from him.

 

[2ndTimeIsTheCharm]

We've been together 2 years and are not married yet due to finances. But I'm really struggling with his personality recently. I only started to see all this during the 2nd year of our relationship. He doesn't keep his word, not on purpose but things will come up and he'll forget or prioritise something else. He's not very clear when he speaks, he'll keep things kinda ambiguous in order to avoid committing to what he says and then when I confront him about it he'd defend himself with technicalities. Like for example. He said he was going to come see me the day before I travelled. I assumed he'd come so we could spend time before I left, but he tried to come at the end of the day where I was finalising packing and didn't have time to spend time with him then. He just assumed we'd spend 10 minutes together before I go but I thought we would spend more time than that.

It always appears that anytime he makes a statement, it's never what I thought it would be, it's always some technicality that barely gets the passing mark. I don't feel I can trust what he says because I will believe it to be one way but in reality it will turn out completely different and this is for everyday matters. He's not really accountable for his actions, he rarely says sorry, doesn't acknowledge the fact that he doesn't keep his word and when I tell him things that have upset me, he'll just deflect everything. He struggles with communication, he didn't tell me things like where he was living, what job he has now etc. He told me because at the time he was embarrassed about those things but I still need to know those things.
The mix of all these things make it difficult to trust him and his word because I never know what I'm going to get with him. If he says something he doesn't keep it and even the thing won't be what I expected. We've had hundreds of conversations about these issues but I'm not really seeing any change. Even til now, I still don't really know what he thinks about all of this because he never gives me a straight answer, everything is always ambiguous and if I want any type of clarity or communication, I have to drag it out of him.

He's a good guy, very loving and I believe he's genuine about us and our relationship. He wants to change but it's almost as though he's not capable of doing that. I'm very confused because it's been months of having these conversations and our relationship deteriorating because of it. He's been through a lot this year which is really sparked these issues but he's been doing better for a little while. It's like he doesn't understand what I need from him and if he does, he doesn't/can't give it to me. We spoke the other day and he asked me to not give up on us. I'm really at a point where I don't know what to do. I've prayed and tried different solutions and have communicated super honestly, directly and clearly about how I feel but I'm not getting that back from him.

If he doesn't address this now, his weakness will still be there after marrying him, only he will have you permanently and he might not care to change anymore.

Try fasting about this and bring it to the Lord. Fasting can change a person from the inside, both you and him, for the better. It could bring about a miraculous resolve in him to be more committed, OR it could make you resolved to finally put your foot down and find someone better.

Personally, I wouldn't want to marry someone like him. He would definitely just be my fun friend and nothing more.

 

[MsMediator]

Too many red flags. I would find his personality annoying. He doesn't commit to his word, that's a problem.

 

[Godsgirl1983]

I once would have yelled 'red flags run!'
But, since I have a houseful of neurodiverse individuals, and 18+ years of marriage, I see things and people in a much different way now.
So my first question is going to be: Does he have something like ADHD (may not be diagnosed) that causes him to behave this way?
People can want to improve and change, but then sometimes they need help/guidance making that happen.
So, my next question would be: Is he willing to go to counseling to get some help? (even if he doesn't have some undiagnosed issue driving him to behave this way) Is he willing to get help? And not just saying he will, but actually taking steps to do so?
And my last question, if he's willing to get some help then would he also be willing and would you be willing to get into some couples counseling together to address and work through these issues?

 

[pinebeach]

I'm really at a point where I don't know what to do. I've prayed and tried different solutions and have communicated super honestly, directly and clearly about how I feel but I'm not getting that back from him.

We cannot change other people. Personally, I would step back from this. Having had one relationship that sounds pretty much like the one you are describing, it only gets worse. Yeah, we can make all kinds of excuses for the other person, but in the end are you trying to explain away what you feel is wrong to continue or are you being honest?

I don't think you would be here asking about this if you were not having second thoughts. I understand how you feel, but can you see this getting better? Can you see him turning around and really trying to create something that is safe and not short changing you?

The best advice I would give to you, is since you do not know what to do, even after praying and whatever else were your solutions, do nothing. Do not marry him, do not say goodbye. Just see how it goes and do not commit to a lifetime of uncertainty. It does not sound to me like he puts you first and I am so sorry you are distressed with this relationship. Don't keep trying to keep a one sided relationship that he does not take as seriously as you alive. Let him do what he is going to do without you trying to change how he behaves. You might just get your answer about what to do at that point.

 

[Mem]

A house that is built on sand doesn't provide the stability that is need for it to withstand the storms that inevitably come. So, you shouldn't buy a house if you're being prevented from examining the foundation (of a house that you've taken on to be the keeper of). That'd prove too costly in repairs to overlook.

 

[Mem]

A house that is built on sand doesn't provide the stability that is need for it to withstand the storms that inevitably come. So, you shouldn't buy a house if you're being prevented from examining the foundation (of a house that you've taken on to be the keeper of). That'd prove too costly in repairs to overlook.

I have a few more comments elaborating on this. It's no longer a common understanding to consider the wife the keeper of the house because this has acquired a derogatory sentiment toward it. However, lessons in the pictography of the Hebrew letters provided me insight to the relationship within a marriage, where we find the word "Ab" which is the root of 'Abba', and means father. Ab is written in the Hebrew with a representation of the leader, (Aleph, which is the Hebrew equivalent of the Alpha, or the A) and the bet, which is representative of a house. "Mother" is written Aleph Mem and is pronounced as "Em" but notice, it also contains the letter that is representative of a leader.

The pictograph of Mem is of water and is also considered to representative of spirit. And so, you may understand why I might associate her 'place' within a household as being the keeper of the spirit in the house wherein her husband is the head of the house. That is, how capable would you feel about maintaining your husband's 'head,' or his thinking? How easy would it be the 'change his mind' if you felt it was 'cluttered'? This will give you an idea of the venture you're committing to once you become the Smith (or what have you) household.

Will you be spending the majority of your time supporting his ideas and guarding his philosophy or will you be spending all of your efforts the majority of the time trying to 'straighten up' the house?

 

[Snackersmom]

........He's not really accountable for his actions, he rarely says sorry, doesn't acknowledge the fact that he doesn't keep his word and when I tell him things that have upset me, he'll just deflect everything. He struggles with communication, he didn't tell me things like where he was living, what job he has now etc.

Hi Dorothea, welcome to the site!

I quoted a portion of your OP above because I found it particularly telling that this man is not ready for marriage. Honestly it sounds like he's barely even ready for a casual relationship, let alone a serious one.

The fact that you can't trust what he says and he rarely apologizes or takes accountability goes beyond communication issues, at the very least yalls communication styles are too different to work in a marriage. Perhaps it could be overcome but I wouldn't hold out for it. Trust and mutual understanding are major cornerstones for a marriage.

I'm not saying he's a bad guy, but probably a bad fit for you personally.

It sounds like your heart is already telling you what to do; you've lost your peace about it. Marriage alone won't improve the situation, I can assure you of that.

I'm sorry for your situation, I know it's difficult. I will pray that you know what to do and how to handle it .

 

[ThereRoseaLamb]

We've been together 2 years and are not married yet due to finances. But I'm really struggling with his personality recently. I only started to see all this during the 2nd year of our relationship. He doesn't keep his word, not on purpose but things will come up and he'll forget or prioritise something else. He's not very clear when he speaks, he'll keep things kinda ambiguous in order to avoid committing to what he says and then when I confront him about it he'd defend himself with technicalities. Like for example. He said he was going to come see me the day before I travelled. I assumed he'd come so we could spend time before I left, but he tried to come at the end of the day where I was finalising packing and didn't have time to spend time with him then. He just assumed we'd spend 10 minutes together before I go but I thought we would spend more time than that.

It always appears that anytime he makes a statement, it's never what I thought it would be, it's always some technicality that barely gets the passing mark. I don't feel I can trust what he says because I will believe it to be one way but in reality it will turn out completely different and this is for everyday matters. He's not really accountable for his actions, he rarely says sorry, doesn't acknowledge the fact that he doesn't keep his word and when I tell him things that have upset me, he'll just deflect everything. He struggles with communication, he didn't tell me things like where he was living, what job he has now etc. He told me because at the time he was embarrassed about those things but I still need to know those things.
The mix of all these things make it difficult to trust him and his word because I never know what I'm going to get with him. If he says something he doesn't keep it and even the thing won't be what I expected. We've had hundreds of conversations about these issues but I'm not really seeing any change. Even til now, I still don't really know what he thinks about all of this because he never gives me a straight answer, everything is always ambiguous and if I want any type of clarity or communication, I have to drag it out of him.

He's a good guy, very loving and I believe he's genuine about us and our relationship. He wants to change but it's almost as though he's not capable of doing that. I'm very confused because it's been months of having these conversations and our relationship deteriorating because of it. He's been through a lot this year which is really sparked these issues but he's been doing better for a little while. It's like he doesn't understand what I need from him and if he does, he doesn't/can't give it to me. We spoke the other day and he asked me to not give up on us. I'm really at a point where I don't know what to do. I've prayed and tried different solutions and have communicated super honestly, directly and clearly about how I feel but I'm not getting that back from him.

No wants to hear negative feedback about a relationship. I got into a bad relationship and he made so many promises but still something wasn't adding up. My dear mother tried to warn and prepare me but I pushed ahead. Good thing I had a praying mother. He got a job on the other side of the country, and took it. Still all kinds of promises made that I desperately held on to. So I began to pray and my mother joined me, I prayed every night for a year. Then one day his mother called me, both of us were adults mind you, she calls me and tells me her son is living with a woman, living with! I got past it, happily married now thanks to prayer.

Now I'm not saying any of that pertains to your situation, I know it doesn't, only in one way, you want what you believe to be true. I highlighted in red some of the comments you made. Read only the red out loud and then think if your sister or close friend was asking advice, what would you tell them? I can promise you this, marriage doesn't make problems better, especially communication issues. If your bf was genuine about your relationship don't you think he'd be a little more forthcoming? Don't you think he would try a little harder? I'm not trying to tear him down, I'm not a man hater, I've been married for 10yrs. and no one is perfect. But there is a book that was turned into a movie called "He's not that into you". If you're doing all the rowing in the boat, marriage is not going to make that easier. I don't know if you've been intimate, and I don't need to know, but maybe if so, that's all he wants or needs of a relationship and he doesn't want to commit further than that. I heard a guy say once that men stay single until they see a reason not to be single, there has to be something about you that changes their mind. Pushing, hinting, pressuring a man doesn't work, he needs to see that reason that he can't be without you and decide to make that change. I'm not saying you're pushing, but there is some reason that he is not bringing his best to this relationship. You need to stop letting him play head games and tell you why. It will serve you better in the long run. The only thing worse than being single and alone is being married and trapped with someone who doesn't love you the way you love them. I could be 100% wrong, but I hope you take a minute and really think and pray on this. Ask God to direct you and I know He will. Blessings! Wish you all the best.