In my blog i wrote :
It shames me to be writing a blog that is full of discouragement, and who's to say it won't eventually obtain encouragement? .... But instead of a light to the world, i am being a darkness, and i feed the shadows that chase down your people God.
I want to give up, i don't see you, feel you, or understand you. I'm not certain you're there, but i live as if you are because i am afraid of the place called hell.
I want you to be real, and true, but i seem to be finding no proof. I never thought i'd need proof because i thought proof came with spiritual growth, and that you would reveal yourself more and more, and i would understand more and more, and be able to explain more and more.... I thought i noticed growing, and i thought i had proof, but when i looked in my hand i only saw a hollow idea. I ask you for understanding, and that you would reveal yourself to me, but i see nothing, and become more confused.
I now feel that i had more proof when i was 14, and believed without question... But then what is proof?
I let myself argue with you.. One argument being "If you're there, and you love me, and you would send your son to die only for my redemption, you are capable of anything, and if your word is true, and i ask..... Should i not receive? All of these things i was taught... I beg you to reveal yourself to me again, so that i can end my doubting and move onward. . So that you may continue to work in me, but still i have not received communication from you. If you care about my salvation, wouldn't you send me a reminder if i asked? So that i may not forget you or be forgotten by my King who created and loves me"?
I am afraid that i am letting go of you, and i am afraid that i am wrong to do so.... Only because i am threatened with hell.
So i am scared into believing in you at this moment.. If i were not afraid, i would let go.. I would be with the man i want to be with, and i would listen to what i want to listen to, and i would do what i want to do.
But freedom to me has now become a trap. I feel that i must live my life after you, always seeking, even if you don't exist.. because if you do exist and i let go and live my life like the rest of the world, i will be miserable for eternity in a pit, with my enemy. . . . I am blind and stupid enough to end my life with you just because i cant see you. Please, show me who you are so that i may not be tempted to let go of my life with you. I want to be with you, but are you there?
Im thinking christians are just people that are afraid of the possibility of hell, so they live their life cautiously. No one knows what's after death... So we all try to prepare for it. . . . But assuming this is the only life i get... If i keep living this way, and hearing nothing from you, i will be miserable.. Leading me to want to just live life in my flesh... Eating, drinking, sleeping, loving, playing... and sinning. Please....
aliciamackenzie.blogspot.com
It shames me to be writing a blog that is full of discouragement, and who's to say it won't eventually obtain encouragement? .... But instead of a light to the world, i am being a darkness, and i feed the shadows that chase down your people God.
I want to give up, i don't see you, feel you, or understand you. I'm not certain you're there, but i live as if you are because i am afraid of the place called hell.
I want you to be real, and true, but i seem to be finding no proof. I never thought i'd need proof because i thought proof came with spiritual growth, and that you would reveal yourself more and more, and i would understand more and more, and be able to explain more and more.... I thought i noticed growing, and i thought i had proof, but when i looked in my hand i only saw a hollow idea. I ask you for understanding, and that you would reveal yourself to me, but i see nothing, and become more confused.
I now feel that i had more proof when i was 14, and believed without question... But then what is proof?
I let myself argue with you.. One argument being "If you're there, and you love me, and you would send your son to die only for my redemption, you are capable of anything, and if your word is true, and i ask..... Should i not receive? All of these things i was taught... I beg you to reveal yourself to me again, so that i can end my doubting and move onward. . So that you may continue to work in me, but still i have not received communication from you. If you care about my salvation, wouldn't you send me a reminder if i asked? So that i may not forget you or be forgotten by my King who created and loves me"?
I am afraid that i am letting go of you, and i am afraid that i am wrong to do so.... Only because i am threatened with hell.
So i am scared into believing in you at this moment.. If i were not afraid, i would let go.. I would be with the man i want to be with, and i would listen to what i want to listen to, and i would do what i want to do.
But freedom to me has now become a trap. I feel that i must live my life after you, always seeking, even if you don't exist.. because if you do exist and i let go and live my life like the rest of the world, i will be miserable for eternity in a pit, with my enemy. . . . I am blind and stupid enough to end my life with you just because i cant see you. Please, show me who you are so that i may not be tempted to let go of my life with you. I want to be with you, but are you there?
Im thinking christians are just people that are afraid of the possibility of hell, so they live their life cautiously. No one knows what's after death... So we all try to prepare for it. . . . But assuming this is the only life i get... If i keep living this way, and hearing nothing from you, i will be miserable.. Leading me to want to just live life in my flesh... Eating, drinking, sleeping, loving, playing... and sinning. Please....
aliciamackenzie.blogspot.com
Continue to pray, worship, and call on God. Sometimes it's in these times that God has very huge revelations for us.
