Secret-keeping

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MissCris

Guest
#1
#1
Here's a bit of a dilemma I'm having:

My husband's parents are divorced, and over the last year I've grown close with his mother and her side of the family, particularly his grandmother. In some of our conversations, the topic turns to my father-in-law and details of what broke up the marriage.

I've heard far more than I wanted to ever know about my in-laws' marriage, separations, and divorce. There have been times when I literally had to just walk away while my husband's mom or grandma were talking about it, because it's NONE of my business, and I've tried time and again to tell them NOT to tell me.

The thing I'm struggling with is that my husband knows NONE of it, he doesn't have a clue what truly happened. Both his mom and grandma always tell me these things in the strictest confidence and ask me to specifically keep the information from my husband.

I don't feel right keeping secrets from him.

On the one hand, it's more HIS business than mine (although I really don't think either one of us needs to know anything about it), but if it's painful for ME to hear about, it would be 10 times worse for my husband.

On the other hand, I'm being asked to hide the truth from my husband and basically lie to him by omission.

I admit I probably haven't tried everything in my power to stop his family from telling me things I don't want to know, but I've done what I could think to do and have asked them to stop, TOLD them to stop, changed the subject, and walked away.

At any rate, it's too late to UNhear what they've already told me anyway.

Am I wrong to keep their confidence and withhold this from my husband? I feel a bit stuck. :(
 
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shekaniah

Guest
#2
#2
I would lift it up to God in prayer and ask God for wisdom. You are right to ask them not to tell you.
Next time I would tell them not to talk about it. Because it's hard for you not to be open and honest with
your husband. And you might forget and let it slip in conversation.

Would this information hurt your husband?

I personally tell my husband everything, and if it is something I think he might not want to know.
That's how I approach it. I tell him I know something about someone close to him.
And that it bothers me to keep it a secret from him. I give him the choice to choose if he wants to hear it or not.
He usely says; "keep it" But later on when he hears about it through another source...I don't have to feel bad
about not telling him. Does that make sense? It works for us.
 
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nanabean

Guest
#3
#3
Hi MissCris......I guess my first thoughts are questions...

1. Would this information hurt your husband??
2. Would his not knowing this information hurt him??
3. Would it hurt him were he to find out... and then also find out you have already known and not told him??

I have always felt that if I told another married person something private about myself, or my life, that I was also telling their spouse. That comes from my beleif that a marriage should be such a connectedness of two souls that they are a whole together. I do think for myself, if it were me, I would tell anyone that tells you a "secret" or a story "in confidence" I would tell them, "My husband is my second half, what I hear, I share with him. If you do not want him to know, you may want to reconsider telling me."

You also have to remember.....there are always at LEAST two "sides" to every story. You tell of hearing one or two sides.....but there is at least one more "side" that you don't talk of hearing. I pray you have compassion for what else may have prompted some of the things you must be hearng of. God bless.
 
shemaiah

shemaiah

Senior Member
#4
Jan 28, 2011
2,233
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#4
You ought to tell your husband coz it's the little things that if kept from each other often coz trouble. Furthermore, telling your husband everything will increase His trust and confidence in you and in your marriage. It may hurt him to hear such things but if will hurt a hundred more times if He hears it from someone else or finds out you where hiding it. Seek God's guidance and let Him help you out! GOD BLESS
 
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MissCris

Guest
#5
#5
Thanks guys.

Yes, this information absolutely would hurt my husband if he knew. It's about his father, whom he has always looked up to very much. They've grown apart a little in the last year or so, but my husband still is very protective about his dad, and I respect that even if I think the loyalty is a bit misplaced.

Nanabean, about the 2 sides to the story...yes, you're right. My husband and I both heard his dad's side AS the divorce was going on, and as sometimes happens, all the blame was laid on my mother-in-law, so for a while, my husband didn't even speak to her.

At any rate, your 3 questions:
Yes, it would hurt him to know.
No, it wouldn't hurt him to NOT know, UNLESS...
He found out somehow and also found that I knew all along without telling him, in which case he would be livid.

*sigh*

I'll continue to pray about it.
 
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MrsSunflower

Guest
#6
#6
I think the truth is best to come out, no matter what situation it comes from. To keeping an secret much too long will only make it more harder, especially for you, as well as being worried for him to maybe finding out about it later. The truth can sometimes be hard and hurtful knowing about, yet once it is told it does break the ice. And one will learn how to dealing with it as well as getting healing from God. Also you will feel a lot more free yourself not carrying this secret over you as an burden.

Yes, prayer is always wise to do too. God's Blessings!
 
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Matthew

Guest
#7
#7
I would suggest something along the same lines as Nanabean said.
Tell your husband that you have heard things about a situation that you are not comfortable knowing, tell him that you feel it is not really either of your business but that by knowing it you have a problem.

Once he knows that you are hearing this information maybe he could go and talk to his parents, one or both and demand the truth from them or tell them to leave you out of it to avoid their gossip (for lack of a better word) because it is putting you in an unfair position.

The only thing I think you must remember is to feel no guilt about telling him if you at any point decide too......it is completely out of line for anyone to tell you something and follow that unsolicited information with the demand that you not tell your husband, so don't feel held hostage by people who do that.
 
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MissCris

Guest
#8
#8
Matthew said:
The only thing I think you must remember is to feel no guilt about telling him if you at any point decide too......it is completely out of line for anyone to tell you something and follow that unsolicited information with the demand that you not tell your husband, so don't feel held hostage by people who do that.
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That's good advice, and I think you're right. I tend to attract a lot of unsolicited information, I think because I'm quiet and seem "safe" to tell.

It always puts me in an awkward position, and I always feel worse for knowing something I didn't ask to know.

So yeah, I'll try to remember that :)
 
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Empowered

Guest
#9
#9
I think you should take Matthew's advice, its brief and to the point and it is a man's perspective, that makes it even better
 
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Likewise

Guest
#10
#10
Chris,
I agree with your request that his family not to tell you anymore, and you will not listen to it anymore. TheJewish speech ethic, Lashon-Hara (Jewfaq.org), which summarizes the counsel from the first 5 books of the bible, basically says "never say anything bad about anyone, anytime, unless you are called upon to testify ina court of law, and only then as a first hand witness.
You did not witness the events yourself. How do you know it is true and not twisted? What benefit would come from it if you did tell him.?
Words are like arrows, once released they cannot be recalled. If you repeat somethign that is bad and untrue, the damage to a reputation cannot be repaired. If you repeat something that is untrue, your credibility could be affected.
You might tell them if they persist, that if they feel your husband needs to know, they can tell them. you did not witness it.
In proverbs 6th chapter, sowing discord is an abomination to God.

If the last few years, the principle of sowing an reaping has had a powerful impact on my life. If I share something untrue about someone, I am sowing seeds that, people may share untrue things about me.
One more thought. If you are not part of the problem or part of the solution, you don't need to be involved.
I somewhat get the feeling, they are telling you bad things about your husband's father because they they want him to be the reason for divorce, not themselves.
These are just some different perspectives on sharing.
Likewise.
 
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nanabean

Guest
#11
#11
Hi....I just was thinking of you and decided to come in and ask if things are getting better?? You don't have to share anything more than you have, just was hoping to find that maybe this situation is better for you....God bless.......
 
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AnandaHya

Guest
#12
#12
would your husband want to know if he knew about it?

I would tell your inlaws that you do not feel it right to keep secrets from your husband and if they did not want him to know for them not to tell you. but at the same time I would not go out of my way to tell my husband but if it came up I would tell him or if it really bug me I would tell him and let him deal with it. however he sees fit. it might hurt but my husband would be more hurt if he knew I was keeping secrets about his family from him but sometimes he tells me he doesn't want to know the lastest gossip about his family at the same time so it depends on if it effects his and their lives now or if its just something in the past that hurts but does not affect people right now.

forgiveness is a wonderful thing and sometimes time and silence allows those who are bitter to let it go and forgive. its a tough one that God can only answer since He knows what is going on in your situation.
 
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MissCris

Guest
#13
#13
To update...

I haven't told my husband anything about what his family has told me. It's been a while since I've talked to either his mom or his grandma except by phone, so the whole situation kind of died down. Although, we've seen his father a lot lately and I can't get out of my mind the stuff I was told about him, thereby making it difficult to interact with him like a normal human being :/

My mother-in-law will be visiting this week and so we'll be seeing a lot of my husband's family, and I'm a little concerned that everything will get brought up again, despite my requests for them to shush about it in my presence.

As far as reaching a decision about whether to tell my husband or not, I still haven't. I don't want to tell him and then see his relationship with his father fall apart, and I don't want to NOT tell him and keep this from him. I ventured so far as to ask him one night what all he knew about his parent's divorce, and aside from the suspicious looks he gave me, he said it was none of his business but that if something about it affected him directly, then he'd want to know.

*sigh* Definitely didn't help me decide, because now I'm also trying to determine if what I know DOES directly affect him or not.

Anyway, thanks for listening and trying to help :)
 
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Matthew

Guest
#14
#14
As an unmarried man it may not be right for me to say this, so I apologise in advance if it seems inappropriate.

But it seems to me no-one gets married in order to carry burdens alone.
If this information is about the behaviour of his parents respectively then it will always affect him, in one way or another.

I would say the best thing you could ever do is to ensure that the secret keeping ends at the door of your marriage, otherwise that's one more thing these secrets will likely damage if not destroy.

Especially considering that if you try and discern through vague enquiries how he might react he will eventually catch on and then question you directly, at which point you will be facing a far bigger mess.
 
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MissCris

Guest
#15
#15
Matthew-

What you say is true.

I admit I've been hoping to avoid having to share this information with my husband, I reeeeeally don't want to be the bearer of bad news. But I also don't want to be in this situation anymore.

I'll feed him good food and try to break it to him gently.
 
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Tobby17

Guest
#16
#16
Does he need to know?..
 
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Maddog

Guest
#17
#17
Matthew said:
The only thing I think you must remember is to feel no guilt about telling him if you at any point decide too......it is completely out of line for anyone to tell you something and follow that unsolicited information with the demand that you not tell your husband, so don't feel held hostage by people who do that.
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I agree with this.
 
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Maddog

Guest
#18
#18
For what it's worth, the more I think about this, the more I'm coming down on the side of saying something to your husband. I mean, he is your husband, and I'd suggest that it is in fact your duty to not withold secrets from him. And, as upsetting as it may be, I'm of the general opinion that knowing the truth is a good thing. As well as that, it is a scandal that you should be forced to suffer with this burden. So for your own sake as well as his, I think that the greatest good would come from talking to him about it.

However, I also don't think it's fair on you to be the bearer of this potentially bad news. Again, for what it's worth, I think you should let on that you know something, but that he really should speak to his parents about it. Of course, he might just insist that you tell him everything you know...in which case, I'm afraid it's up to your own judgement whether to tell all, or whether to refuse and force him to go directly to the source. Bear in mind what Matthew said earlier, though; if you tell him everything, you have absolutely no need to feel guilty. They should never have placed you in this situation to start with.
 
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LovingtheLord

Guest
#19
#19
The longer you wait the more likely he is going to feel betrayed.

If he trusts you and thinks you would'nt keep things away from him he will be hurt if he finds out you knew for weeks, months, years? without telling him.
 
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MissCris

Guest
#20
#20
Tobby17 said:
Does he need to know?..
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I honestly feel that under normal circumstances (as in, ME not knowing about it), he would NOT need to know. But now that I've been bombarded with it, and as it is more HIS business than mine since it's about HIS parents, then yes, now he does need to know.

Thank you to the guys who also put in your advice and thoughts :)
 
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