Ministering to the Grieving

[ThereRoseaLamb]

I find myself in this position again, grieving. It seems over the years we as the church have lost the art of reaching out to people whether inside or out of the church. I have been here enough that I have learned a few things. Some things I think might help the church, or more specifically the congregation to reach out to grieving people.

So many times I have heard people say to grieving people (either or both) call me, or call me if you need anything. While it may seem like caring and it's meant that way surely but it's very uningaged and lacking empathy. Better to say "when is a good time I can call you?" Or "what can I do to help you?" Consider a person is usually in shock when they have lost a loved one. Call them a month or two later and ask how they are doing, would they mind some company, is there anything they need. The grieving need to know they are not alone. That there is someone who will mourn with them when they mourn. Someone who will patiently listen.

My mother told me about a friend who had lost her husband when he was in his prime. Another mutual friend in the church told my mother that she could stand being around their friend because she was "sad and weepy all the time". My mother called up her grieving friend and started walking with her every day. She let her friend grieve and listened to her and could better help her because she knew what she needed.

So next time you find someone is in grief think about how you can help instead of using cliche phrases that sound good but of no real help to them.

 

[passion84god]

James 1:27.

 

[passion84god]

I find myself in this position again, grieving. It seems over the years we as the church have lost the art of reaching out to people whether inside or out of the church. I have been here enough that I have learned a few things. Some things I think might help the church, or more specifically the congregation to reach out to grieving people.

So many times I have heard people say to grieving people (either or both) call me, or call me if you need anything. While it may seem like caring and it's meant that way surely but it's very uningaged and lacking empathy. Better to say "when is a good time I can call you?" Or "what can I do to help you?" Consider a person is usually in shock when they have lost a loved one. Call them a month or two later and ask how they are doing, would they mind some company, is there anything they need. The grieving need to know they are not alone. That there is someone who will mourn with them when they mourn. Someone who will patiently listen.

My mother told me about a friend who had lost her husband when he was in his prime. Another mutual friend in the church told my mother that she could stand being around their friend because she was "sad and weepy all the time". My mother called up her grieving friend and started walking with her every day. She let her friend grieve and listened to her and could better help her because she knew what she needed.

So next time you find someone is in grief think about how you can help instead of using cliche phrases that sound good but of no real help to them.

Although I have genuinely sought to help people for most of my life, your post convicted me that I could be doing more. It is already changing the way that I am praying. Thank you.​

 

[Caan]

So next time you find someone is in grief think about how you can help instead of using cliche phrases that sound good but of no real help to them.

^^^
THIS!!
Just Be Present!!
---"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep"---
In the depths of Abject Grief ,
Lord Jesus deliver the grief stricken from Biblical platitudes !!!!
Just Be Present!!

 

[Gideon300]

I find myself in this position again, grieving. It seems over the years we as the church have lost the art of reaching out to people whether inside or out of the church. I have been here enough that I have learned a few things. Some things I think might help the church, or more specifically the congregation to reach out to grieving people.

So many times I have heard people say to grieving people (either or both) call me, or call me if you need anything. While it may seem like caring and it's meant that way surely but it's very uningaged and lacking empathy. Better to say "when is a good time I can call you?" Or "what can I do to help you?" Consider a person is usually in shock when they have lost a loved one. Call them a month or two later and ask how they are doing, would they mind some company, is there anything they need. The grieving need to know they are not alone. That there is someone who will mourn with them when they mourn. Someone who will patiently listen.

My mother told me about a friend who had lost her husband when he was in his prime. Another mutual friend in the church told my mother that she could stand being around their friend because she was "sad and weepy all the time". My mother called up her grieving friend and started walking with her every day. She let her friend grieve and listened to her and could better help her because she knew what she needed.

So next time you find someone is in grief think about how you can help instead of using cliche phrases that sound good but of no real help to them.

I have an entirely different take. It's based of both God's word and experience. It will no doubt upset more than a few people as it is very much contrary to most people's understanding.

Grieving can be for as long or short a time as believers choose the process to be. There is nothing inherently good about grieving. If we can get that understanding, the rest of what I say will be more helpful.

We are exhorted to unload our sorrows onto Jesus. He's already born them in His body and taken them to the grave.

"Surely He took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows........." Isaiah 53:4

"Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken." Psalm 55:22

"Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled; do not be afraid." John 14:27

I learned how to deal with grief the hard way. I hope I can encourage some to suffer less than I put myself through. After my marriage failed, my ex decided to break from me completely. She moved house, and did not give me her new address. I did not see my two children for 15 years. For weeks, I was devastated. Life lost all meaning. I was angry, bitter, resentful and deeply hurt. I complained to God. He told me, "My Son died for you." Eventually, by God's grace, I let go of my kids and got on with my life.

Fast forward 15 years or so. I received a call at work. It was my friend's wife. Her husband had been unwell but seemed to be recovering. She told me that he had gone to sleep and she could not wake him up. I knew that my friend of 30 years had passed away.

When I got to the home, the first responders were there. The now widow was calm and composed. She offered drinks to the police and ambulance people. I'd been living there for some time as her late husband was unable to care for the gardens and there was a lot to do.

After everyone left, we talked about what had happened. She told me that she'd had a bit of a cry and then cast all the care of the situation on Jesus. That was in 2011. She has never grieved. She can talk about her late husband without sorrow. I was amazed and impressed. I also gave all my sorrow to Jesus. I realised that my friend and mentor for 30 years was where he wanted to be. His suffering was over and he was in his eternal home.

When someone passes away, there is a lot to consider and a lot of decisions that must be made. We should offer help if we can.

It would be of great value to believers if they learned to cast their sorrow, grief and burdens on the Lord before something as traumatic as a family death or loss happens. We don't seek trouble. "Lead us not into hard testing" is still part of the Lord's prayer. But it sure helps if we know and apply the great promises in God's word.​

 

[ThereRoseaLamb]

Although I have genuinely sought to help people for most of my life, your post convicted me that I could be doing more. It is already changing the way that I am praying. Thank you.​

Sometimes going through the valley helps us to reach out to others when they face the same thing. That's where I learned to weep with those that weep. Sometimes just a hand on the shoulder and no words at all can mean the world to someone.

 

[ThereRoseaLamb]

^^^
THIS!!
Just Be Present!!
---"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep"---
In the depths of Abject Grief ,
Lord Jesus deliver the grief stricken from Biblical platitudes !!!!
Just Be Present!!

Yes, exactly! Sometimes the grief is too deep to even know what to ask for. Someone just being there helps with the loneliness and loss.

 

[ThereRoseaLamb]

I have an entirely different take. It's based of both God's word and experience. It will no doubt upset more than a few people as it is very much contrary to most people's understanding.

Grieving can be for as long or short a time as believers choose the process to be. There is nothing inherently good about grieving. If we can get that understanding, the rest of what I say will be more helpful.

We are exhorted to unload our sorrows onto Jesus. He's already born them in His body and taken them to the grave.

"Surely He took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows........." Isaiah 53:4

"Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken." Psalm 55:22

"Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled; do not be afraid." John 14:27

I learned how to deal with grief the hard way. I hope I can encourage some to suffer less than I put myself through. After my marriage failed, my ex decided to break from me completely. She moved house, and did not give me her new address. I did not see my two children for 15 years. For weeks, I was devastated. Life lost all meaning. I was angry, bitter, resentful and deeply hurt. I complained to God. He told me, "My Son died for you." Eventually, by God's grace, I let go of my kids and got on with my life.

Fast forward 15 years or so. I received a call at work. It was my friend's wife. Her husband had been unwell but seemed to be recovering. She told me that he had gone to sleep and she could not wake him up. I knew that my friend of 30 years had passed away.

When I got to the home, the first responders were there. The now widow was calm and composed. She offered drinks to the police and ambulance people. I'd been living there for some time as her late husband was unable to care for the gardens and there was a lot to do.

After everyone left, we talked about what had happened. She told me that she'd had a bit of a cry and then cast all the care of the situation on Jesus. That was in 2011. She has never grieved. She can talk about her late husband without sorrow. I was amazed and impressed. I also gave all my sorrow to Jesus. I realised that my friend and mentor for 30 years was where he wanted to be. His suffering was over and he was in his eternal home.

When someone passes away, there is a lot to consider and a lot of decisions that must be made. We should offer help if we can.

It would be of great value to believers if they learned to cast their sorrow, grief and burdens on the Lord before something as traumatic as a family death or loss happens. We don't seek trouble. "Lead us not into hard testing" is still part of the Lord's prayer. But it sure helps if we know and apply the great promises in God's word.​

Yes, I understand what you're saying. I put on my Facebook last week the verse we don't sorrow as those who have no hope. So the celebration of life was full of tears but also laughter and singing. Which would seem odd for the day to those who don't understand. The shell was put in the ground, but the soul is dancing on the streets of heaven.

 

[HealthAndHappiness]

I find myself in this position again, grieving. It seems over the years we as the church have lost the art of reaching out to people whether inside or out of the church. I have been here enough that I have learned a few things. Some things I think might help the church, or more specifically the congregation to reach out to grieving people.

So many times I have heard people say to grieving people (either or both) call me, or call me if you need anything. While it may seem like caring and it's meant that way surely but it's very uningaged and lacking empathy. Better to say "when is a good time I can call you?" Or "what can I do to help you?" Consider a person is usually in shock when they have lost a loved one. Call them a month or two later and ask how they are doing, would they mind some company, is there anything they need. The grieving need to know they are not alone. That there is someone who will mourn with them when they mourn. Someone who will patiently listen.

My mother told me about a friend who had lost her husband when he was in his prime. Another mutual friend in the church told my mother that she could stand being around their friend because she was "sad and weepy all the time". My mother called up her grieving friend and started walking with her every day. She let her friend grieve and listened to her and could better help her because she knew what she needed.

So next time you find someone is in grief think about how you can help instead of using cliche phrases that sound good but of no real help to them.

Good topic that pastors might want to consider if they are allowed to go outside their denominations sermon outlines.

People I served many years and hours with no compensation were invited to my Dad's funeral. He was murdered by a wicked employ at the Clarksburg West Virginia VA Hospital the morning I scheduled to get him into a safer place. That devastated me, but friends and family acted like I had a contagious disease and didn't want to be near me or call or letter of condolence.
I did the entire funeral myself. I was glad friends showed up and ate dinner at the restaurant afterwards, however I was very disappointed with their lack of any compassion. They were all treated well over the years, in spite of the lack of contribution to the ministry. I was genuinely kind to them, but as Paul said, the more I love, the less I be loved.
They would not even let me sit with them. I asked some of them why and most were silent while others only said they did not know how to respond.
These were grown adults.

 

[Anchorite]

Grieving can be for as long or short a time as believers choose the process to be. There is nothing inherently good about grieving. If we can get that understanding, the rest of what I say will be more helpful.

We are exhorted to unload our sorrows onto Jesus. He's already born them in His body and taken them to the grave.


Fast forward 15 years or so. I received a call at work. It was my friend's wife. Her husband had been unwell but seemed to be recovering. She told me that he had gone to sleep and she could not wake him up. I knew that my friend of 30 years had passed away.

When I got to the home, the first responders were there. The now widow was calm and composed. She offered drinks to the police and ambulance people. I'd been living there for some time as her late husband was unable to care for the gardens and there was a lot to do.

After everyone left, we talked about what had happened. She told me that she'd had a bit of a cry and then cast all the care of the situation on Jesus. That was in 2011. She has never grieved. She can talk about her late husband without sorrow.​

People are different emotionally, but I do not believe anyone can choose how long their grieving process will be.

There is a lot that is inherently good about grieving. It lets your heart adjust to a loved one’s death and absence. The more you love someone, the deeper you grieve.

For a person to have never grieved over the death of their spouse seems very unusual, if not suspicious.

While we do not mourn as the unsaved who have no hope, it is healthy to experience sorrow when a husband or wife dies. Or even a pet dog or cat.

 

[Lanolin]

....Grieving after a divorce/loss is different kind of grief to grieving after a loved one has died, and you knew for some time they were going to go, and they might have even told you goodbye before they went.

Jesus did weep when Lazarus died, but he was doing it out of sympathy with Mary and Martha, as he knew it was only going to be a short time of sorrow.

A lot of people can remain calm and controlled in public, but maybe break down in private (good crying place - the shower!) and some just openly weep, everyone is different. Controlling emotions can be difficult. A touch or a visit is always appreciated, and food left on doorstep, even though maybe you have no appetite, you still need to eat and get through the day.

I had to go to counselling to process my bereavement, and it does take time. I think some cultures are just like oh put on a happy face all the time, but you can't fake your feelings. I think men can be different in the way the are taught to handle emotions like never cry, not be seen as weak etc.

One of my friends lost a client she'd been caregiving for many years. She didn't tell me, I found out through another friend when she wasn't turning up to our club. Having gone through losing my mum made her feel she could open up a bit to me and I'd be understanding/empathising of how she was feeling. I just go see her, take her out, have lunch, shop etc. There's also sorting out stuff afterwards, like personal effects etc. That takes time. Just check on them every now and then, take them out, so they can get some fresh air, don't pressure them into doing a lot socially it's ok to take time out for a bit and sort out 'where too from here' stage after you lose and bury a loved one.

You can say how much you miss them and good memories, though I think anyone who's been close and lived with someone for so long the recent memories will be more affecting you then going back to the past. Mourning/grieving is not just one day of the funeral.

 

[Lanolin]

Grief counselling - from what I've been to grief counselling and experienced - have a box of tissues, a cup of tea, and maybe a cuddly toy or cushion, in a room where you won't be interrupted, that's a safe space.
Otherwise, a walk along the beach...

Don't minimise what happened to the other person. I've had people boast to me how they had tragic things happen to them and they just bounced back and why can't I, that I'm wallowing and ruminating and shouldn't be sad. I really don't think that helps. Also they forget, as many older people do, that IT TAKES TIME. What may seem to you as easy, to the person experiencing it for the first time, is not.

 

[Billyd]

The greatest comfort I experienced during my grief recovery when we lost our oldest son in a traffic accident at age 28, was from a dear Christian friend who was always at my side but never said a word. He always just listened to me.

It's not what you say to a grieving person, it's what you don't say. JUST LISTEN!

 

[Gideon300]

People are different emotionally, but I do not believe anyone can choose how long their grieving process will be.

There is a lot that is inherently good about grieving. It lets your heart adjust to a loved one’s death and absence. The more you love someone, the deeper you grieve.

For a person to have never grieved over the death of their spouse seems very unusual, if not suspicious.

While we do not mourn as the unsaved who have no hope, it is healthy to experience sorrow when a husband or wife dies. Or even a pet dog or cat.

As I said, the grieving process is your choice. King David's illegitimate son died. David realised that there was nothing that he could do. He fasted and prayed while the child was alive, but not once the child had passed away.
2 Samuel 12:22 & 23

"David answered, “While the child was alive, I fasted and wept, for I said, ‘Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let him live.’ But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”

Unbelievers have no hope and so grieving is indeed pretty much the norm. There is usually a good deal of regret and guilt attached to it as well. Believers do not have to grieve for an extended time. Lord Jesus took our sorrows into His body on the cross. We are exhorted to cast our care on Him. We can receive His comfort.

We are assured that all things work together for our good, if indeed we are born again. Trials and tribulations are a part of Christian experience. Keep focused on truth and we will be set free.

 

[Anchorite]

As I said, the grieving process is your choice. King David's illegitimate son died. David realised that there was nothing that he could do. He fasted and prayed while the child was alive, but not once the child had passed away.
2 Samuel 12:22 & 23

"David answered, “While the child was alive, I fasted and wept, for I said, ‘Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let him live.’ But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”

Unbelievers have no hope and so grieving is indeed pretty much the norm. There is usually a good deal of regret and guilt attached to it as well. Believers do not have to grieve for an extended time. Lord Jesus took our sorrows into His body on the cross. We are exhorted to cast our care on Him. We can receive His comfort.

We are assured that all things work together for our good, if indeed we are born again. Trials and tribulations are a part of Christian experience. Keep focused on truth and we will be set free.

Easy to say. But has your wife of many years died?

“Ministering to the Grieving” is the title of this post. Your way of ministering is to tell the mourner to snap out of it.

The last sentence of the OP you might benefit from contemplating:

“So next time you find someone is in grief think about how you can help instead of using cliche phrases that sound good but of no real help to them.”

David was a warrior. He was used to death. Hardened to it as trained killers are. His case is special, not applicable to everyone else.

Grieving is not a choice. Read some books on grieving by Christian counselors. You appear to be callous and aloof from the suffering that can occur when death strikes. Go to a faith based Grief Share group meeting. You would learn a lot from real life stories.

You seem to have no personal experience of losing a spouse or child.

 

[Gideon300]

Easy to say. But has your wife of many years died?

“Ministering to the Grieving” is the title of this post. Your way of ministering is to tell the mourner to snap out of it.

The last sentence of the OP you might benefit from contemplating:

“So next time you find someone is in grief think about how you can help instead of using cliche phrases that sound good but of no real help to them.”

David was a warrior. He was used to death. Hardened to it as trained killers are. His case is special, not applicable to everyone else.

Grieving is not a choice. Read some books on grieving by Christian counselors. You appear to be callous and aloof from the suffering that can occur when death strikes. Go to a faith based Grief Share group meeting. You would learn a lot from real life stories.

You seem to have no personal experience of losing a spouse or child.

No, but I was with my now wife when her husband passed away in 2011. On her birthday . As I said, if you bothered reading, I was living there so that I could help around the house. I saw how she handled the loss. Her husband happened to be my friend, mentor and support through my own terrible ordeal after my marriage break up. I'd known him for 30 years.

My now wife did exactly as I suggested believers can do if they suffer tragedy. If they want to suffer great grief and sorrow, that's their choice. It is not mandatory.

My now wife and her late husband used to go out for dinner on her birthday, when he was well enough. We went out to dinner together that evening. She refused to let sorrow and grief bring her down.

If the Word of God cannot help someone in their time of need, I have nothing more to say.

 

[Cameron143]

People experience grief very differently, as is evidenced in this thread. This is because we differ in our understanding, maturity, and affections. One can easily accept loss trusting in the goodness of God completely, while others feel overwhelmed, yet may trust God implicitly as well. We cannot pick our emotions, but we can choose how we act upon them. Our level of maturity will determine this.

The OP is dealing with helping people grieve. We can only help them by meeting them where they are. Trying a one size fits all approach will only help those who are amenable to your preference.

 

[Magenta]

Jesus wept... "a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief."

 

[Magenta]

John 11 v 35 plus Isaiah 53 v 3a ~ Jesus wept. He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief.

 

[Gideon300]

Jesus wept... "a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief."

And he bore our sorrows and our grief. Isaiah 53.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ overflow to us, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."

1 Peter 5:6 & 7
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, so that in due time He may exalt you. Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.

Matthew 11:28-30
Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”​