How Do You Balance Trusting God and Pursuing Marriage?

[BelovedByGrace]

Hi Everyone,

I have been single for the past 20 years. I became serious about my relationship with God in college. Since then, I have chosen to live a celibate life as I seek His will for my future.

For many years, I have prayed about marriage and trusted God with that desire. In the beginning, the waiting seemed easier, but lately I have been struggling with loneliness. I stay busy with work, I'm back in school, and I volunteer, yet there are times when I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness.

Recently, I went on a date with a man who was introduced to me by a close family member. I was hopeful because of the recommendation, but it became clear that he did not respect my Christian values or personal boundaries. He also seemed to carry unresolved insecurities and past wounds that affected the relationship. One thing that surprised me was feeling judged for things I had always believed were positive: my education, career, commitment to celibacy, relationship with God, closeness with my family, and my relatively quiet lifestyle.

Sometimes it feels as though many of the qualities I was taught to develop faith, integrity, education, responsibility, and strong family values are viewed negatively by some people today. That can be discouraging.

There have been moments when I thought I could have settled and been married by now, but I have chosen not to compromise my convictions. I genuinely want to honor God and trust His timing, even when the waiting is difficult.

For those of you who have sought God's guidance regarding marriage, what are your thoughts on praying for a spouse and waiting for His answer? How do you balance trusting God with taking practical steps toward meeting someone?

 

[ResidentAlien]

Greetings and welcome aboard!

I can't really say anything about meeting someone; but don't fret, there's nothing wrong at all with your values. I do know sometimes family or friends will recommend people for you to meet because they want to play matchmaker.

 

[Lynx]

Howdy and welcome to the forum.

Personally, no idea. I never have tried to find somebody. But good luck.

If a guy thinks positive traits are negative, that's a good sign that you don't want that guy. Just saying.

One of those you listed, the quiet lifestyle, is often underrated. People think they want excitement and adventure. The older you get, the more you realize that peace, comfort and security are much more important. Then there are some who secretly like a quiet lifestyle, but publicly decry it because they believed people would think they are boring.

 

[cinder]

Well ok here's my second attempt at a response since the system crashed out and deleted my first attempt:

Trusting God with our love lives is very similar to trusting God with any area of our life. We trust God to provide for us, but we still job hunt, fill out applications, go to interviews, etc while holding any one potential job loosely rather than piling all our hopes on I must have this particular job to be happy and have a good life. And while doing that we ask God for wisdom and discernment to make a good decision and trust that if things don't work out God knows what he's doing and has good for us in the future. Finding a spouse is kind of like that and those who manage to have a good marriage usually do a fair amount of both practical searching and praying at the same time.

I also found some online wisdom a long time ago that pointed out that we've replaced the idea of a date with the idea of dating someone. So I recommend recovering the idea of the date which I think of as just a one time meal or activity. And agreeing to just one dinner (or giving someone the freedom from expectation that just one dinner offers) is a lot less heavy than agreeing to be "in a relationship" with someone (and probably comes with less expectation for close personal physical interaction).

I also like to remind people that it's better to be single than in a bad relationship. And guy with serious value differences who doesn't respect your values and sees your positives as negatives is most definitely bad relationship material. But sometimes even the merest hint of possibility of having an option can stir up all that longing that you thought you'd overcome when really you'd more just stuffed it down and made the best of a situation that felt like it had no other option. And sometimes you just have to dump on God all the I wish things were different and I wish I had this good thing feelings and cry on his shoulder for a bit.

But then again, I'm very experienced at being single and very inexperienced at being in any sort of romantic relationship so just consider the source when taking what i hope is good advice.

 

[Lynx]

And lovette commandeers this thread in seven, six, five, four...

 

[JohnDB]

Hi Everyone,

I have been single for the past 20 years. I became serious about my relationship with God in college. Since then, I have chosen to live a celibate life as I seek His will for my future.

For many years, I have prayed about marriage and trusted God with that desire. In the beginning, the waiting seemed easier, but lately I have been struggling with loneliness. I stay busy with work, I'm back in school, and I volunteer, yet there are times when I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness.

Recently, I went on a date with a man who was introduced to me by a close family member. I was hopeful because of the recommendation, but it became clear that he did not respect my Christian values or personal boundaries. He also seemed to carry unresolved insecurities and past wounds that affected the relationship. One thing that surprised me was feeling judged for things I had always believed were positive: my education, career, commitment to celibacy, relationship with God, closeness with my family, and my relatively quiet lifestyle.

Sometimes it feels as though many of the qualities I was taught to develop faith, integrity, education, responsibility, and strong family values are viewed negatively by some people today. That can be discouraging.

There have been moments when I thought I could have settled and been married by now, but I have chosen not to compromise my convictions. I genuinely want to honor God and trust His timing, even when the waiting is difficult.

For those of you who have sought God's guidance regarding marriage, what are your thoughts on praying for a spouse and waiting for His answer? How do you balance trusting God with taking practical steps toward meeting someone?

Ahhhh
Nevermind....
You won't like the answer....

When the cure seems more like poison than the problem...but will actually fix the problem. What do you do?

What if....you could have something better than you imagined possible in a relationship but the price was SOME of your most entrenched beliefs and habits.....

What are you wanting more?

You have already lived 40+ years single. The next 50 can be alone or married.....children options are extremely limited at this point.
Call the ball.

 

[Churchgoer]

If one is a matured Christian, walking with God for decades, actively serving in local church, he or she would want to date , marry a true believer. It is not about respect one s faith, but about obeying God's command, follow God's will. There will be many up and down in a marriage, one would want to walk together with one that's equally yoked. Pray together, seeking God's guidance together, go to church together.....

Consider searching a fun journey. It is like hiking up a mountain ⛰, enjoy all the steps. The journey is as fun as the result.

Count God's blessings every day.

 

[Lynx]

If one is a matured Christian, walking with God for decades, actively serving in local church, he or she would want to date , marry a true believer. It is not about respect one s faith, but about obeying God's command, follow God's will.

I disagree. I know some matured christians, walking with God for decades, etc etc, who have no interest in finding a spouse. I talk to a few of them everyday on whatsapp.

 

[Churchgoer]

I disagree. I know some matured christians, walking with God for decades, etc etc, who have no interest in finding a spouse. I talk to a few of them everyday on whatsapp.

For that I agree and respect. It is totally up to individuals to desire single or marriage.

I was just saying if desire marriage, need to marry in the Lord.

 

[Lynx]

For that I agree and respect. It is totally up to individuals to desire single or marriage.

I was just saying if desire marriage, need to marry in the Lord.

Aaaaah, I see. 10-4.

 

[BelovedByGrace]

Howdy and welcome to the forum.

Personally, no idea. I never have tried to find somebody. But good luck.

If a guy thinks positive traits are negative, that's a good sign that you don't want that guy. Just saying.

One of those you listed, the quiet lifestyle, is often underrated. People think they want excitement and adventure. The older you get, the more you realize that peace, comfort and security are much more important. Then there are some who secretly like a quiet lifestyle, but publicly decry it because they believed people would think they are boring.

I was fortunate to grow up in a stable and peaceful environment, so for a long time I assumed that was the norm. As I've gotten older and met more people, I've realized that many carry childhood wounds, family dysfunction, or patterns of chaos that continue into adulthood.

What I've learned is that a quiet lifestyle isn't something to apologize for. Peace, consistency, and accountability may not seem exciting on the surface, but they create a strong foundation for relationships and personal growth. I value a calm home, a small trusted circle, and a life centered on faith and purpose. Those things bring me far more fulfillment than constant drama or excitement ever could.

 

[BelovedByGrace]

Well ok here's my second attempt at a response since the system crashed out and deleted my first attempt:

Trusting God with our love lives is very similar to trusting God with any area of our life. We trust God to provide for us, but we still job hunt, fill out applications, go to interviews, etc while holding any one potential job loosely rather than piling all our hopes on I must have this particular job to be happy and have a good life. And while doing that we ask God for wisdom and discernment to make a good decision and trust that if things don't work out God knows what he's doing and has good for us in the future. Finding a spouse is kind of like that and those who manage to have a good marriage usually do a fair amount of both practical searching and praying at the same time.

I also found some online wisdom a long time ago that pointed out that we've replaced the idea of a date with the idea of dating someone. So I recommend recovering the idea of the date which I think of as just a one time meal or activity. And agreeing to just one dinner (or giving someone the freedom from expectation that just one dinner offers) is a lot less heavy than agreeing to be "in a relationship" with someone (and probably comes with less expectation for close personal physical interaction).

I also like to remind people that it's better to be single than in a bad relationship. And guy with serious value differences who doesn't respect your values and sees your positives as negatives is most definitely bad relationship material. But sometimes even the merest hint of possibility of having an option can stir up all that longing that you thought you'd overcome when really you'd more just stuffed it down and made the best of a situation that felt like it had no other option. And sometimes you just have to dump on God all the I wish things were different and I wish I had this good thing feelings and cry on his shoulder for a bit.

But then again, I'm very experienced at being single and very inexperienced at being in any sort of romantic relationship so just consider the source when taking what i hope is good advice.

Thank you for the insight. I think your wisdom about recovering the idea of "the date" rather than immediately thinking in terms of "dating someone" is good and sound advice. I may need to start looking at things that way.

The interesting thing is that I do go on dates and I speak with men regularly. What I've found is that many seem to have unrealistic expectations, and I think social media plays a significant role in that. I've also noticed that many men do not seem interested in a woman with my level of education. I'm not entirely sure why. Based on conversations I've had and articles I've read, I can only assume that for some it may stem from insecurities or previous negative experiences with educated women.

The problem is that I cannot really dumb myself down, nor do I want to. I do not go around advertising my education or accomplishments. As a matter of fact, I rarely mention them in conversations. They are simply part of who I am. God has blessed me with opportunities, experiences, and an education, and it does not seem right to hide or minimize those blessings just to make someone else feel more comfortable.

You are also correct that dating that man who was 15 years my senior stirred up a longing for companionship that I thought I had largely overcome. It reminded me that I do desire a partner to share life with; someone to work out with, travel with, encourage in ministry, and have them encourage me in mine. I always thought that was part of God's design. Eve was created for Adam because he was alone and needed a helpmate. Yet nowadays I often hear men say they do not want a woman's help. In some cases, it even seems to make them feel less masculine if a woman contributes or assists them. Sometimes it feels as though the world has been turned upside down. Maybe that is simply a sign of the perilous times we are living in.

Your post also made me think of something from my childhood. My family was visiting friends one day, and my grandfather got lost on the way there. My grandmother knew exactly where the house was, but instead of correcting him directly, she let him drive around for a while. When he became frustrated, she simply asked, "Do you think it might be down that road we just passed?" He turned around, went down the road, and suddenly it became his idea that got them there.

I suppose I could learn to be more tactful like that, but I sometimes wonder where the line is between wisdom and deception. I've lived a fairly sheltered life, and I've always believed that being yourself was the best approach. Maybe there's a balance between authenticity and tact that I'm still trying to learn.

 

[BelovedByGrace]

Ahhhh
Nevermind....
You won't like the answer....

When the cure seems more like poison than the problem...but will actually fix the problem. What do you do?

What if....you could have something better than you imagined possible in a relationship but the price was SOME of your most entrenched beliefs and habits.....

What are you wanting more?

You have already lived 40+ years single. The next 50 can be alone or married.....children options are extremely limited at this point.
Call the ball.

I do desire companionship, and I am not opposed to making sacrifices or adjusting unrealistic expectations. However, I do not believe that maintaining my Christian values and convictions is the problem that needs fixing.

One of the challenges I have encountered is that many men seem to have embraced ideas about relationships that are heavily influenced by social media, online personalities, and peer groups. In many ways, it feels as though the qualities described in Proverbs 31 are no longer valued as much as they once were. Instead, other things seem to take priority.

The man I got to know stopped speaking to me because I refused to sleep with him outside of marriage. I suspect he thought that going silent for a while would eventually pressure me into changing my mind. Instead, I accepted his decision, moved on with my life, and bought myself something nice.

What that experience taught me is that we were looking for different things. He has since moved on to someone else who is willing to give him what he wants, and that is his choice. I do not resent him for it, but it confirmed that our values were not aligned.

If I believed all men were like him, I would probably give up on the idea of finding a partner altogether. But I do not believe that. I cannot be the only person who values kindness, loyalty, humility, faithfulness, respect, and a genuine Christian walk. I know there are men who desire those qualities in a wife just as there are women who desire those qualities in a husband.

So when I ask myself what I want more, the answer is not simply marriage at any cost. I want companionship, but I want companionship with someone whose values align with mine. After waiting this long, I would rather remain single than abandon convictions that I believe are worth keeping.

 

[BelovedByGrace]

If one is a matured Christian, walking with God for decades, actively serving in local church, he or she would want to date , marry a true believer. It is not about respect one s faith, but about obeying God's command, follow God's will. There will be many up and down in a marriage, one would want to walk together with one that's equally yoked. Pray together, seeking God's guidance together, go to church together.....

Consider searching a fun journey. It is like hiking up a mountain ⛰, enjoy all the steps. The journey is as fun as the result.

Count God's blessings every day.

I would want a husband who has a genuine relationship with Christ and is actively seeking to follow Him. As you said, marriage will have its ups and downs, and I would want someone who prays with me, seeks God's guidance with me, serves alongside me, and is equally yoked in faith.

One challenge I face is that I belong to a wonderful church with solid biblical teaching and worship that I truly love. However, most of the congregation is either older than me or already married. I have visited other churches over the years, but I often run into the same situation. There seem to be far more seniors than single middle-aged adults.

Another challenge is that I am older than I look. I occasionally have younger men approach me, but they are often too young for me to seriously consider dating.

The man I dated presented himself as a believer, and I asked many of the questions I thought would help me discern where he stood spiritually. Over time, however, I realized he was more of a cultural Christian than someone with a personal relationship with Christ. That was a disappointing realization, but it also reinforced how important genuine faith is to me.

I do appreciate your perspective about viewing the search as a journey rather than focusing only on the destination. That is something I need to keep in mind. It can be easy to become focused on the outcome, but perhaps there is value in trusting God and learning from each step along the way.

 

[BelovedByGrace]

I disagree. I know some matured christians, walking with God for decades, etc etc, who have no interest in finding a spouse. I talk to a few of them everyday on whatsapp.

I agree with you. Not every mature Christian who has walked with God for decades has a desire to marry. Some genuinely feel called to remain single and are content with that calling. I know there are many faithful believers who have no interest in pursuing a spouse and are living full, meaningful lives in service to God.

What I sometimes wonder, though, is how many singles are truly choosing singleness because they prefer it, and how many have simply become discouraged by the dating landscape. Are they preserving their peace because they have found contentment in Christ and do not desire marriage, or have they given up hope of finding a good prospect after years of disappointment?

I suspect the answer varies from person to person. Some people genuinely thrive in singleness, while others may still desire companionship but have decided the wrong relationship would cost them more than remaining alone. Those are two very different situations, even though they may look similar from the outside.

 

[BelovedByGrace]

I want to thank everyone for taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences. Your feedback has given me a lot to think about.

To be honest, I have been feeling especially lonely lately. It is not something I have shared with my family or close friends because I know they would be heartbroken to hear how much I have been struggling with it. That is part of the reason I decided to post here and hear perspectives from other Christians.

Yesterday, I came home, sat in my car, and had a good cry. I have spent years working on myself, growing in my faith, pursuing my education, serving others, and trying to become the best version of myself that I can be. Sometimes it is difficult when those very things seem to become reasons for rejection or criticism rather than appreciation.

I know my worth is found in Christ and not in the approval of other people. Even so, there are moments when the loneliness feels heavy, and I think that is what I have been wrestling with lately. Thank you all for listening and for offering your perspectives with kindness.

 

[Lynx]

I agree with you. Not every mature Christian who has walked with God for decades has a desire to marry. Some genuinely feel called to remain single and are content with that calling. I know there are many faithful believers who have no interest in pursuing a spouse and are living full, meaningful lives in service to God.

What I sometimes wonder, though, is how many singles are truly choosing singleness because they prefer it, and how many have simply become discouraged by the dating landscape. Are they preserving their peace because they have found contentment in Christ and do not desire marriage, or have they given up hope of finding a good prospect after years of disappointment?

I suspect the answer varies from person to person. Some people genuinely thrive in singleness, while others may still desire companionship but have decided the wrong relationship would cost them more than remaining alone. Those are two very different situations, even though they may look similar from the outside.

Yeah I have observed that the answer is very different for everybody. Some are resigned. Some are still hopeful. Some are trying to convince themselves that they are okay being single, but they are not. Some are truly at peace with being single and finding somebody would wreck their whole lifestyle.

Me, if I found somebody I would be cool with it. But I'm not going to spend a lot of time and effort looking. I'm happy with life as it is, but I believe I would be happy if I found somebody too.

 

[Lynx]

I was fortunate to grow up in a stable and peaceful environment, so for a long time I assumed that was the norm. As I've gotten older and met more people, I've realized that many carry childhood wounds, family dysfunction, or patterns of chaos that continue into adulthood.

What I've learned is that a quiet lifestyle isn't something to apologize for. Peace, consistency, and accountability may not seem exciting on the surface, but they create a strong foundation for relationships and personal growth. I value a calm home, a small trusted circle, and a life centered on faith and purpose. Those things bring me far more fulfillment than constant drama or excitement ever could.

Oh my!

If you lived anywhere near me I would ask you out on a date this Saturday night. You describe exactly the kind of life I have, and I love it.

The Bible verse I quote above all others is Psalm 26:20, because I have a strong vested interest in reducing drama. My friends are probably tired of hearing about that verse...

 

[cinder]

Oh my!

If you lived anywhere near me I would ask you out on a date this Saturday night. You describe exactly the kind of life I have, and I love it.

The Bible verse I quote above all others is Psalm 26:20, because I have a strong vested interest in reducing drama. My friends are probably tired of hearing about that verse...

This from the guy who has threatened matchmakers with flamethrowers. I never thought I'd see the day.

 

[Lynx]

This from the guy who has threatened matchmakers with flamethrowers. I never thought I'd see the day.

That is only matchmakers. Bumbling, inept, well meaning but completely, annoyingly meddlesome matchmakers... They definitely need a social call from a competent arsonist.

But I have never even mentioned flaming potential dates. I wouldn't hold them accountable for the mistakes of the matchmakers who try to set them up with guys.