Why do single men feel sidelined in churches?
Single men & churches
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Because most churches operate more on a feminized emotional model (see the book why men hate going to church) and what's the church got to say to a guy who isn't a father or husband except something like "don't have a sex drive or at least don't be creepy enough to admit you want to sleep with a beautiful lady". So unless your life is a complete mess that church might help you sort out, well it's totally understandable that they feel sidelined or like church is irrelevant and then they stop showing up and all the single christian women are like... where's all the men at?
A pastor Stucky in the Philippines just had a sermon where he mentioned a Baptist church in the state that he felt out of place at as the only single person before he pastored. Funny thing is that I recalled asking the pastor about attending and he just kept repeating "We are a family integrated church....a young family integrated church."
Well that was my answer. He didn't seem to want anyone single who had experience in ministries at churches of like faith including one he attended before.
He didn't explain why, but it didn't bother me. I'd rather know up front than to waste gas and time serving God in a church where I was not welcome by the pastor. I noticed more spiritual benefits from my personal devotions than the online sermons.
This is what I have felt a couple of times and it is more evident in general as I am getting older.
Meanwhile in Finland, the only available single men at church seem to be over 80. So that's the dating pool we're working with.Really? I found church full of single women, not too many single men, all taken haha
Later, the pastor announced that he was going to do a Soul Winning Marathon he invited any other churches of like faith to spend a Saturday in my town sharing The Gospel with the public. I called him to plan a meet up and he wasn't interested because I wasn't going to drive 2 hours just to meet at his church first.
I thought he was shameful for being so self centered when the idea was to get as many soul winners together and pair off to lead others to Christ. That was fine with me because the Lord blessed when I went to the nursing home.
Cinder stepping up with a cinderblock thru the rose-colored stain glass windows for her brothers!
Never heard of the book why men hate going to church. Did you read it? Or maybe listened to an interview with the books author? Besides what you wrote here, what were you biggest takeaways?
I started going to church when I was going thru a tough time. God rescued and restored me, but going to church alone, I felt like a weirdo and they didn't take me into consideration. I felt like people were leaving me out and I wasn't "part of it."
I'm sorry to hear that, about the feeling like a weirdo and not being taken into consideration and being left out. (I've certainly felt/experienced that.)
I can tell you every church is different in this regard. I went as a single man to a church for a number of years where I knew no one. I forced myself to go to everything they had, notably the Wed dinner and fellowship and the Sun evening fellowship. I found I was completely welcomed by not only other adult singles of every age and gender, and by married people who went without their spouses. Over a short period of time I felt very much at home, loved and included.
The pastor didn't preach about marriage or raising children except maybe once or twice a year, or in passing. There were a lot of activities for me to do regarding serving in the church.
I'm not saying most churches are welcoming to single males, I'm just saying every church is different, and everyone needs to participate in making their own home in the church they're attending.
The key of enjoying going to church is serving in that church.
For example in our local church, one can be involved in music, Bible study, cleaning, cooking, audio, helping sick poor.... once start serving for a good amount of time, you become part of the church. You will feel that's your spiritual home, you are not a guest anymore.
One pastor said even our congregation is assigned by God. We don't get to choose who we want to be with. Just like our family, do we get to choose who is our mom, dad, siblings, children?
Or gardening or weeding the library or both.
But thing is the local church didn't want me gardening the church. They paid someone else who wasn't part of the church to mow the lawns, and they RAN OVER the proteas I had planted for the church.
I had planted them, and put rocks by them to ensure that anybody mowing would mow around them, but this guy didn't. And the proteas weren't cheap. They cost a lot of money that the church was given funds to plant a garden. I fundraised for this garden. I also bought plants out of my own pocket.
I am so sad right now remembering all this and how they pretty much banned me from church over an incident I had no control over. Every time I go pass this church I sort of see what they did with the garden and how its just bare.
I spend a lot of my weekends gardening, sometimes with fellow church members, sometimes alone. But I couldn't do it anymore, because some of those church members passed on, and I got busy with other things.
I used to have this idea, that if I planted a garden, it would make the church grounds look more beautiful, and people could have weddings there and it would be nice for them. But at that church I never even witnessed one wedding! The pastors daughter got married...in another church! And when I asked around the members who used to go to this church, they told me they had their wedding there and then got divorced!
?!
But thing is the local church didn't want me gardening the church. They paid someone else who wasn't part of the church to mow the lawns, and they RAN OVER the proteas I had planted for the church.
I had planted them, and put rocks by them to ensure that anybody mowing would mow around them, but this guy didn't. And the proteas weren't cheap. They cost a lot of money that the church was given funds to plant a garden. I fundraised for this garden. I also bought plants out of my own pocket.
I am so sad right now remembering all this and how they pretty much banned me from church over an incident I had no control over. Every time I go pass this church I sort of see what they did with the garden and how its just bare.
I spend a lot of my weekends gardening, sometimes with fellow church members, sometimes alone. But I couldn't do it anymore, because some of those church members passed on, and I got busy with other things.
I used to have this idea, that if I planted a garden, it would make the church grounds look more beautiful, and people could have weddings there and it would be nice for them. But at that church I never even witnessed one wedding! The pastors daughter got married...in another church! And when I asked around the members who used to go to this church, they told me they had their wedding there and then got divorced!
?!
BTW am not a single man in case you wondering. I'm single lady. So even single ladies get sidelined.
I mean in some ways, not all, but serving in church is no guarantee because even if you make it your home, someone will come along, not like what you are doing and try and kick you out. I for the most part asked permission to do all these things, but sometimes you need to just get on with it and do things...but some church leaders don't like that. Or it has to be done a certain way,
I don't know what the answer is. I exhausted myself going to local church. I now just stay home Sundays and garden my own garden, save petrol, and look after my own household.
I mean in some ways, not all, but serving in church is no guarantee because even if you make it your home, someone will come along, not like what you are doing and try and kick you out. I for the most part asked permission to do all these things, but sometimes you need to just get on with it and do things...but some church leaders don't like that. Or it has to be done a certain way,
I don't know what the answer is. I exhausted myself going to local church. I now just stay home Sundays and garden my own garden, save petrol, and look after my own household.
Sorry to hear your experience. Keep searching and may God show you where is the spiritual home for you.
CC is my spiritual home. CC Singles Forum.
It's the best. You guys and gals are the best. I mean that. And despite what people say, that people online aren't real, that it isn't real and not fellowship and not the same as being in person...I have to say, that doesn't matter. I am not with you in the flesh, but I am here in the spirit, and that's ultimately all that counts.
It's the best. You guys and gals are the best. I mean that. And despite what people say, that people online aren't real, that it isn't real and not fellowship and not the same as being in person...I have to say, that doesn't matter. I am not with you in the flesh, but I am here in the spirit, and that's ultimately all that counts.
It really depends on church/denomination.
If you attend in those older churches, there are opportunities for men as well. Even if you are single, in fact the Orthodox church even have monks and monasteries for men who choose the monastic way of living.
Protestant churches should encourage men to become (good) leaders, especially single men need this training. It would be a great preparation for family life.
I read it, I believe on the advice of another frustrated single guy I met on cc ( who evaluated churches in part by how many of the worship songs sounded like they could easily be sung to a boyfriend rather than god). It's been several years since I read it but a couple of the bits I remember to illustrate the original statement were things like asking groups of christians what sins were men prone to and what sins wonen were prone to (and usually all the sins we talk about alot are seen as male sins) and the idea that exhortations to admit you can't do it and just surrender to God's love and trust him answer the deepest longings in a woman's soul (to be loved and accepted) but force men to face their deepest fears (that they aren't capable or competent enough). I do recommend it as it was rather eye opening.
Cinder stepping up with a cinderblock thru the rose-colored stain glass windows for her brothers!
Never heard of the book why men hate going to church. Did you read it? Or maybe listened to an interview with the books author? Besides what you wrote here, what were you biggest takeaways?