Need extra advice

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HollyW

HollyW

Member
Jan 18, 2011
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Ok, I figured since this is the family forum that I'd post this here. I am a single mother of a teenage daughter who is literally driving me crazy. I wanted some extra advice from any parents on who have been through the teenage years or are going through them with their children.
My daughter ''supposedly'' has a boyfriend in high school. She herself in in middle school. She is only 14 years of age. She is asking me if she can go over Christmas vacation for a week with said boyfriend out of state. I told her no numerous times, but she keeps bringing the subject up which is drining me crazy. How do I get her to take no for an answer and stop bugging me about this? This will ruin my entire Christmas if she keeps badgering me. I can keep saying no but I really don't want the subject to come up again. If she keeps bringing it up, my patience will where thin. Any advice on what I can do?
 
First of all, my girls only had friends at fourteen, no boyfriends until sixteen. And even then they had to have a parent around at all times.
If the boys didn't feel my daughter was worth all the trouble, then they were not worthy of my daughters time.
Hold your ground! I would tell my daughter if she asked me about it one more time or even brought it up. She would be grounded from even talking to him on the phone. And if this didn't work, I would call the boyfriend and tell him to stop bugging my daughter about it or he would have to stop seeing her. You are her guardian, and she should honor you. I will pray for you to be strong, and for her to realize what she is asking is out of line.
 
I told her no boyfriends too but it's like this, "Mom, my friends have boyfriends and their moms let them have boyfriends, you can't keep my from having a boyfriend, WHATEVER." I haven't even spoken to this boys parents at all or even seen this boyfriend of hers. But oh yeah, I'm putting down the hammer on her. If it isn't the bad grades, it's the bad social decisions she's making.
 
Stay strong, and you will be glad you did. My girls are 31, 27 and 22...and they thank me now for making them stick to the house rules.
I use to tell them I didn't care what their friends did, my girls were the ones who answered to me. I told them it was because I loved them,
and that I wanted them to be respected by boys. God bless you both!
 
Getting a teenager to take sound advise over their own desire will not happen easy. Teens are young enough to still be foolish children but old enough to want to make their own path in life. Without know you and your daughter and your relationship together and many othet factors it is hard for any person to give you accurate advise. If you let her go, bad things could happen, but she can learn from experience as any adult has to. If you force her to stay she could rebel and turn further away from any advise or rules. With all the question marks already I still don't know if you or your daughter has accepted jesus in your lives. I would recommend reading proverbs and ecclesiates together. Let god and the holy spirit give her wisdom and good judgement. Explain to her the dangers and consequences and with gods word she may decide on her own its a bad idea. If she says no first there is no arguing and your not the bad guy. Get gods word in her and she will have judgement, wisdom and good character to choose right. She is growing and you can't be there and protect her all the time but god can and will if given the chance. A soldier goes to war with armor and weapons and training. Study also about gods armor. This will help with all life situations. This may sound like advise from someone without kids, I do have 3 daughters oldest is 10. The closer you get to god the further you stray from the world.
 
I just had a thought, maybe you should go on the young adults forum and as some of the younger crowd what thier parents did,
maybe it would give you some good insight. I will be praying...God bless you Holly!
 
HollyW said:
Ok, I figured since this is the family forum that I'd post this here. I am a single mother of a teenage daughter who is literally driving me crazy. I wanted some extra advice from any parents on who have been through the teenage years or are going through them with their children.
My daughter ''supposedly'' has a boyfriend in high school. She herself in in middle school. She is only 14 years of age. She is asking me if she can go over Christmas vacation for a week with said boyfriend out of state. I told her no numerous times, but she keeps bringing the subject up which is drining me crazy. How do I get her to take no for an answer and stop bugging me about this? This will ruin my entire Christmas if she keeps badgering me. I can keep saying no but I really don't want the subject to come up again. If she keeps bringing it up, my patience will where thin. Any advice on what I can do?
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Okay, so i know i am not really an aged wide man by any means, but i do have some feelings regarding this subjects. Well, this subject and any real subject regarding telling your kids no.

Having been a kid, worked with kids, and spent time raising kids, I would say that the most important thing with telling your kid no, is not just leaving it there. Idle hands are the devils workshop right? I have always found that instead of giving it a good no, and then peacing on the subject, i always try and give alternatives.

In every relationship there is always compromise, but not really something that is commonly practiced in child/parent relationships. I was in a similar situation not to long ago, so i have a lot of thoughts concerning this. At that age, no really is a precursor for the question "why not?"

When i was broached with this question, we decided to instead of letting her go out with older boys, we would allow them to come over. Spend some time getting to know the kid, let them go see a movie, throw down on some video games..etc. This way we weren't seen as the parents who just loved throwing down rules, but we were also able to meet in the middle. In this culture its kinda hard to say someone is to old for you or young, considering icons like ashton kutcher until recently was married to a lady over 10 years his senior. Just because they are older doesn't mean they are bad, but doesn't mean they aren't either.

Teens are always hard, good luck on your journey with this one.
 
barukhmalachi said:
With all the question marks already I still don't know if you or your daughter has accepted jesus in your lives.
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Even believers have problems it's not like our lives are completely perfect and without fault. Just because I'm asking for a little bit of advice on this chat site doesn't mean I'm not a firm believer in Christ or that my daughter isn't either.
 
Holly, you are absolutely right in not allowing your daughter to go out of state with an older boy...or anywhere else yet, ESPECIALLY OVERNIGHT OR FOR A WEEK! I was determined to date a college boy at the age of 16 and my parents put an end to it. I was very angry with them, but they were absolutely right in what they did. Stick to your guns.

You might want to calmly, but firmly, point out to your daughter that it's illegal for anyone to transport a 14 year old girl across state lines without parental consent. Just in case she's planning to go anyway...

Praying with you. Teens are tough :) I have a 19 year old son. He's a great kid, but doesn't always see the big picture right away. :) I doubt that the rest of us did either in our teens, huh?
 
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I believe hobbies and community involvement is a good way to keep teens occupied and out of trouble. church groups. Volunteering at the local hospital or library, caring centers or food banks, sports, biking, skating. It helps them stay busy while they are gaining wisdom to go with their new understandings of adult desires and responsibilities. A part time job and chores is good too to help them learn to be responsible with money and build self worth. Loving, healthy understanding, communication and relationships at home tend to keep girls from looking for love understanding and advise from unhealthy people and relationships.

Basically Mom your child can wash, dress and feed herself now. But your job isn't done. The best thing you can do for your daughter now is lead her into womanhood fully giving of your time support and most important set a good example. This is not a time for parents to start becoming selfish and saying "what about me?" when your child is on a strong footing as an adult you may get to relax from your parenting responsibilities, knowing you finished and can be confident in your childs ability to make good decisions for herself.

Never under estimate the power of a mothers prayers.
 
basically if you help her fill her life and time with good things she will satisfy her need for independance and need to nurture and her need to support with out having to meet those God given needs before she is mature by running off with a boy. If her weekend was not free but she had plans doing something she loves to do, she wouldn't have time for these skeems. Mom helpher find her loves and talents.
 
HollyW said:
I told her no boyfriends too but it's like this, "Mom, my friends have boyfriends and their moms let them have boyfriends, you can't keep my from having a boyfriend, WHATEVER." I haven't even spoken to this boys parents at all or even seen this boyfriend of hers. But oh yeah, I'm putting down the hammer on her. If it isn't the bad grades, it's the bad social decisions she's making.
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I haven't got a teenager, but I was one once upon a time...

And I strongly recommend that you insist on meeting this boy. Obviously stand your ground on not letting her go away with him, regardless of how much she badgers you and pleads and begs and throws fits over it.

If you don't want her to have boyfriends at all, you've got to put your foot down, but it doesn't sound like it's that big of a deal that she dates, just that she thinks she should be allowed to be alone with him. Which brings me back to my advice- insist on meeting her boyfriend and his parents, or don't let her see him anymore.

I truly wish my mom had been more strict with me when I was 14, particularly about dating. I steamrolled her every time I wanted something, and I regret it now and wish I'd listened when my mom TRIED to talk sense into me about things.

Don't let your daughter run your household, 14 year olds are not good at being in charge.
 
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Holly I was a teenage girll long enough ago to have gained some wisdom since, but not so long as to be out of touch. I also work with teenagers. It's very important you stick to your guns. She may hate you. She'll kick and scream. She'll do a lot of things, but there is absolutely no reason she should be allowed to go on any overnight trip with a boy unless its her brother of father. Trying to explain it in the midst of it will not be possible. If any explanation will be accepted, it will be post holiday season. You need to gauge what your daughter is capable of. If she's a runner, you need to really keep an eye on her. If she's just wants to throw a tantrum, then it's not such an issue. But Holly, you have to stick to your guns. Your holiday season is only ruined if you choose to let it be ruined by her. You can chose to enjoy it regardless. If you holiday season is ruined, then such is the price of protecting your daugher.
Also, if your daughter has a bf you can control how serious that gets. While you cannot control if they go to the same school, you can call the highschool. Highschools do not like middle schoolers hanging there. Give them your daughters description. Also, strap that girl down. Don't forsake tough love. Often you just have to do the thing they hate, and be hated for it. If she's meeting with the bf, do not allow her out of the house without an adult. Tell the boy's mother also. She may do some work on her end. If she's not trustworthy, don't trust her... for her own good. Chaperones, strict curfews, phone calls home, parental checks of friends, schedule of events, you must go all lengths... teenage girls are tricky. May the grace of God be with you.
 
My sage advice is this: If no isn't enough, then start taking privileges away from her. Punish her for bringing it up too much. More than that, let's look at the root of the issue. She's developing a mind of her own now to rationalize things. Help her rationalize why it's a good thing for her to obey you and God. Just because something is popular and feels good doesn't mean it IS good. Better yet, every time she brings it up, bring her to this site to read recent statistics of venereal diseases. CDC - STD Surveillance, 2010 - Table of Contents And then make her look at google images of different diseases. And tell all the facts about getting pregnant Overview: Birth Control : American Pregnancy Association. How most things we rely on for birth control don't do as well as we are told. The only 100% protection is abstinence. No matter how mature she things she is, if she's alone, out of state with a boy then things can happen.
 
Sometimes it is best for her to learn from experience. However, that does not take away your right as her mother. Do whatever you feel is best for your child, but with love, understanding, and respect.
 
Friends,

I just wanted to say that it is heartwarming to find so many young people who were obviously "raised right". The advice in this thread has been, I think, very sound. I had a teenage daughter myself and I can say from experience (not good, unfortunately) that it is better to be a parent than a friend.

God bless you all.
 
I just wanted to thank all the people who posted on this thread and gave me some good advice. I guess I just needed reassurance that my parenting skills were not at a loss. I'm a firm believer in the saying, "it takes a village to raise a child" and in the family of Christ that statement cannot be more true. Thank you so much.
 
Why not tell her what the consequences will be if she brings it up again?
 
Oh believe me she's been told more than once. She knows by now that what the parent giveth, the parent can taketh away. She's lost several privileges.
 
HollyW said:
Oh believe me she's been told more than once. She knows by now that what the parent giveth, the parent can taketh away. She's lost several privileges.
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Hi

I speak to my daughters very openly about boy relationship. What do they (the boys) want from you? Sex? I ask them, do you want to engage in physical relationship? Does it contradict your walk with God if you do? I let them share their views. We have a open discussion.

Thankfully, together with my wife, they are very firm about Godly relationship. But that does not mean they are not attractive to boys. That does not mean they are not tempted to do the wrong things. That does not mean they are not pressured by their friends (especially non-believers).

The key to get my kids to listen to me is to have strong relationship with them. I think they are tired of me as a 'ten-commandment' announcer.. you cannot do this, you cannot do that. Sure, i still do it (i can't avoid).

More importantly, I strengthened my relationship with them. I play tennis with them, I read similar books with them, I go walks with them. Recently, they even ask me to select clothes for them at the shopping centre! (That's a big miracle). I think being close to them helps when dealing with sensitive issues. They tend to listen more.

- Talk to them
- Spend time with them

Rgds
Bob
 
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