How to determine boundaries?

[F8Th]

while going through lots of posts on here (at least im pretty sure it was here) i came across this link
http://darcysheartstirrings.blogspot.com/2011/01/how-teachings-of-emotional-purity-and.html?showComment=1296831496548#comment-c9213916182952714509 and have to say that i was definitly raised and told to believe that kind of stuff about relationships as well. that so much as talking to a guy, being seen with one (before i moved out a few months ago i got in trouble with my parents cus they saw me with two guys) and all that. So basically now, im an adult, living on my own and have the freedom to make my own choices. Follow what I believe instead of what my parents were trying to teach me.

But i feel confused because now i dont know what to determine for myself. Ive just gotten into a relationship and am confused about where to set boundaries. Obviously i feel that holding hands and kissing and stuff is fine...but how far to take it? how far with touching and stuff? Im torn between the extremes of what my parents tried to tell me but i have decided is dumb, and the way the world see's things (cept i know actual intercourse sex is definitly wrong). Any help or clarity on this?

Im looking more for personal examples/stories to help me see why it'd be best to draw the line at that area rather than just verses saying "this is wrong". Im trying to find where im comfortable but also where it's not going to lead to something i regret doing

 

[wwjd_kilden]

If you feel unsure about something, that means it is wrong (to you).

People have different boundaries.

For instance:

I let a friend, who I knew was interested in more than friendship, massage my shoulders. (And I told him up front I was not interested in anything more than friendship). He put his hand on my belly, and I almost hit him, because I felt that he was stepping way over the boundaries. For another person, that might have been perfectly innocent.

You know where your boundaries are, no one else can tel you that.

 

[AAAPlus]

These are legit concerns. If you want to have a relationship, both people need to value purity. It's up to both of you to set the boundaries. It will probably be awkward, especially this early on in the relationship, but it's good to have an open talk about boundaries.

Generally, for Christians, the line is drawn at kissing. Touching anywhere on the breasts or genitalia is completely off limits.

Since you asked for stories, I have two for you =)

Story #1, this girl I dated when I had barely become a Christian. We didn't set any boundaries. Our relationship was very...passionate. I'll try not to be too graphic here. Basically, once we passed the kissing line, things went downhill fast. Thankfully I broke it off before it got too bad, but we were definitely on a the path to intercourse. It would have been a matter of time. And even when we resolved to bring it back to only kissing, or even stop kissing altogether, it didn't last for very long; that barrier had already been broken. It's something that's really important to take into consideration in a relationship; once you pass a physical boundary, it is nearly impossible to re-establish that boundary with that person. I have seen this same situation with a lot of Christian couples.

Story #2, my last girlfriend. I had a crush on this girl for about a year, and we were friends. When we decided to become a couple, it was easy for us to talk because we already knew each other fairly well. Now this girl was drop-dead gorgeous...the cutest girl at my church hands down. I resolved that I just wasn't going to kiss her until marriage (or at least engagement). Even though I have been a Christian for a while now (seven years) I didn't want to take the chance.

Now I'm definitely not against kissing, but just be aware of what's going on. Think "if we stopped kissing, would our relationship suffer?" If the answer is yes, then your relationship has an unhealthy dependence on the physical, and you might be lead into temptation. All satan has to do is chip away at you and make you go just a little too far, and once that barrier is broken, it's really just a matter of time.

I also find it's really helpful if both people have gender-specific accountability partners; people who you confide everything about your relationship to.

 

[F8Th]

These are legit concerns. If you want to have a relationship, both people need to value purity. It's up to both of you to set the boundaries. It will probably be awkward, especially this early on in the relationship, but it's good to have an open talk about boundaries.

Generally, for Christians, the line is drawn at kissing. Touching anywhere on the breasts or genitalia is completely off limits.

Since you asked for stories, I have two for you =)

Story #1, this girl I dated when I had barely become a Christian. We didn't set any boundaries. Our relationship was very...passionate. I'll try not to be too graphic here. Basically, once we passed the kissing line, things went downhill fast. Thankfully I broke it off before it got too bad, but we were definitely on a the path to intercourse. It would have been a matter of time. And even when we resolved to bring it back to only kissing, or even stop kissing altogether, it didn't last for very long; that barrier had already been broken. It's something that's really important to take into consideration in a relationship; once you pass a physical boundary, it is nearly impossible to re-establish that boundary with that person. I have seen this same situation with a lot of Christian couples.

Story #2, my last girlfriend. I had a crush on this girl for about a year, and we were friends. When we decided to become a couple, it was easy for us to talk because we already knew each other fairly well. Now this girl was drop-dead gorgeous...the cutest girl at my church hands down. I resolved that I just wasn't going to kiss her until marriage (or at least engagement). Even though I have been a Christian for a while now (seven years) I didn't want to take the chance.

Now I'm definitely not against kissing, but just be aware of what's going on. Think "if we stopped kissing, would our relationship suffer?" If the answer is yes, then your relationship has an unhealthy dependence on the physical, and you might be lead into temptation. All satan has to do is chip away at you and make you go just a little too far, and once that barrier is broken, it's really just a matter of time.

I also find it's really helpful if both people have gender-specific accountability partners; people who you confide everything about your relationship to.

you think its 'safe' to be disclosing details about my relationship to someone? we both have the same group of friends...

u think breasts are off limit? and i do agree that the um, private areas should be off limits (though he took my hand for me to touch him)

is getting turned on necessarily a bad thing?

If you feel unsure about something, that means it is wrong (to you).

People have different boundaries.

For instance:

I let a friend, who I knew was interested in more than friendship, massage my shoulders. (And I told him up front I was not interested in anything more than friendship). He put his hand on my belly, and I almost hit him, because I felt that he was stepping way over the boundaries. For another person, that might have been perfectly innocent.

You know where your boundaries are, no one else can tel you that.

Well, i will feel uncomfortable with even small things sometimes, but i feel that its because of how i was raised, there things in the back of my mind that bug me and even though i dont believe it, its still there. i can feel a little nervous, but i dont really mind and i infact like it. im just not sure how far i wanna go, or how far i should let him go...like, how is it affecting him?

 

[Jordache]

I think it may be harder for women to determine where those boundaries because it's so dependent on emotion and emotions are easy to ignore. We are so emotional that it's way too easy for us to be turned on emotionally before we even realize it. When we are emotionally ignited, it's so much harder to not allow yourself to be physically ignited.
Really the specific boundaries are different for everyone. For some women a man putting his hands on your hips, waist, stomach, thigh, etc could mean nothing. For others it could be a start down a slippery slope. This is not to say that those actions are wrong, but they make avoiding sin much more difficult than if you'd just drawn a
Boundary there in the first place. Location is also important to think about. Cuddling alone in the car-- not a good idea. Cuddling on the couch while watching a movie with friend may not be so bad.
The point is to set the boundary far enough back so that you are not tempted beyond what you can bare.

Being turned on is not a sinner else we'd all be in big trouble. The sin is what we choose to do or not do with it.

 

[F8Th]

can some of u men help me with this too? if i got my boyfriend turned on, how hard would i be making it for him to remain to his boundaries and refrain from desires?

 

[Helloimandrewyo]

umm, very. for some guys its easy for them to calm fown after any sort of excitement. Some of us though (hi!) it can ruin the rest of the day and maybe week.

Bad News Bears.

I think getting your self built up over anything and being let down is hard though. Doesn't have to be the possibility of getting freaky deaky.

Like the possibility of england beating the usa football team at the world cup last year. I wanted to fly to south africa and kill englands goalie after that game, cause my excitement was built up, and then greasy fingers couldn't hold on to a football to save his life.\

Bad analogy? maybe...

hopefully you get what i am trying to convey

 

[Ritter]

Most people would say you establish boundaries by pushing them. Welcome to America!

 

[Siberian_Khatru]

Im torn between the extremes of what my parents tried to tell me but i have decided is dumb, and the way the world see's things (cept i know actual intercourse sex is definitly wrong)

Hey-oh! Your upbringing is evidently rooted in your subconscious. Why else would you be "torn"? Maybe you should examine that facet. Your parents may or may not have set limits to an extreme (I don't know their severity), but perhaps you shouldn't disregard what they tried to instill in you altogether or consider it folly.

I lived with my GF for 3 years out of the 4 we were together. After living in sin for that long, I can tell you: it wasn't really worth it. I don't regret our time together or how hard we loved, but I think certain stress/insecurities could have been sidestepped on account of the physical relationship. Same goes for my second relationship (which lasted only 4 months).

My advice: Let your boundaries be your clothes for the time being.

 

[RushBreeze]

A youth leader once told me its not about how far can I got before its sining but how far from sin can I go?

I've made the personal choice to not even kiss before I'm engaged to be married, holding hands, and hugs yeah, but kissing no. Its more of a, I know myself choice. I'm a very passionate and touchy person, I know that once i started kissing it wouldn't long for me to progress onto bigger and more explicate thing. I also read a book that its important to not only be pure but to give the impression of purity. So now I'm really careful, I will hang out with my guy friends out in public, and if they are a group of us in one of our homes, but I try very carefully not be be alone with a man in our homes. Not because I dont trust us to do the right thing, but as a Christian, I want to be an example and not attract any negative perceptions.

Its obviously not for everyone, and I have friends who are living with their boyfriends, and who have done the deed, I love them to death and have no judgments on them. I just want to make sure I can be the best example of Christ I can be.

Why tempt temptation.

 

[tinydancer]

Ok, so i'm just going to throw this in too. I've never had sex but i have gone further than i should have and to be honest i regret it majorly. While it's hard to know you're boundaries i honestly think that the less you do the better. Even though it can be frustrating it's better because then you stand less chance of doing something you'll regret. the last thing you want is to feel defiled.
It's why i've come to the place that i am in now where i've made a personal choice and i'm sticking to it.

 

[Snackersmom]

Ok, so i'm just going to throw this in too. I've never had sex but i have gone further than i should have and to be honest i regret it majorly. While it's hard to know you're boundaries i honestly think that the less you do the better. Even though it can be frustrating it's better because then you stand less chance of doing something you'll regret. the last thing you want is to feel defiled.
It's why i've come to the place that i am in now where i've made a personal choice and i'm sticking to it.

I'm with ya, Miss Dancer . It's important for us girls to keep in mind that our brothers in Christ tend to have a weakness in "that" realm, and we are somewhat responsible for setting proper boundaries, as much for their benefit as ours. This is not to say that guys get a free pass, but they do seem to have a harder time resisting, especially when we don't discourage them. Help keep your brother from stumbling!

This may sound extreme, but I don't think that I, personally, will go beyond hand-holding until I'm at least engaged. That may sound old-fashioned, but I think that in my case, it's the best thing. Others may feel that they can handle more, and that's not necessarily wrong. Regardless, don't do ANYTHING that you'll regret, it's not worth it.

 

[cari6]

I think that if you know actual intercourse is wrong and you feel yourself getting turned on with whatever he is doing or you are doing know that that's where it will take you. Maybe not right now or in a month or maybe not in this relationship but it is one step closer to someting you know is wrong. Now, I might be wrong but you sound like you have accepted bounderies but haven't internalized them and that's why you question them now that you don't live with your parents anymore. I used to be like that and I went down that road we learned we shouldn't. I am 28 years old. I was married and after my marriage was broken I decided to try the worldy ways. Now I am back to square one, except I have finally internalized all those bounderies I didn't understand before. I know now how hurtful it is to take sex lightly and I know I want to stay away from that as much as I possibly can. You can learn from other people's experiences or maybe you have to experience it yourself to learn but God will make sure you learn one way or the other.