How does everyone here argue?

[wyler]

How do you idealistically resolve conflicts?

Idealistically everyone involved keeps calm and we have a discussion that results in a concession that one party was wrong, or all parties agree to disagree and let it lie.

How do you react to someone who is being volatile or emotional when they argue?

The key thing for me is not allowing myself to be influenced by the other person, if I let them make me angry then it stops being an argument and becomes an exchange of nasty insults.

I usually try and keep presenting facts, if I am certain my position is a strong one then usually the strength of the argument makes the other person stop and think because they need to order their thoughts before they can throw back an angry repsonse, and in the time it takes for them to think of one they realise my view is at least valid to some extent and they calm down a bit, at that point the whole exchange becomes more civil and can be brought to a nice end.

If they keep on being volatile then then all I can do is walk away, and most times the other person knows they were in the wrong for being so hostile about whatever it was.

Is Being quiet and passively avoiding people uglier than being confrontational?

One no better than the other in my opinion.

In the short term passive might seem better as being confrontational generally creates more and more confrontation, but being passive doesn't resolve anything, it just stops it going any further.

The problem with being passive is that it is so deceptive, it makes people think they are doing the right thing, where they are actualy doing themsleves tremendous damage, because being passive just removes you from the entire process of growing as a person.

Being confrontiational may be ugly, but it is a road with a destination, if you survive it you generally learn self-control and end up with a better life, it's just a very ugly life up too that point.
People who are passive are often never reach the tipping point, and so their lives can't move beyond the same problems.

 

[Relena7]

In the short term passive might seem better as being confrontational generally creates more and more confrontation, but being passive doesn't resolve anything, it just stops it going any further.

The problem with being passive is that it is so deceptive, it makes people think they are doing the right thing, where they are actualy doing themsleves tremendous damage, because being passive just removes you from the entire process of growing as a person.

Being confrontiational may be ugly, but it is a road with a destination, if you survive it you generally learn self-control and end up with a better life, it's just a very ugly life up too that point.
People who are passive are often never reach the tipping point, and so their lives can't move beyond the same problems.

Exactly!!!

Another thing, being passive is bad for your health. All those unsaid things and un-faced problems just lurk inside your body, and if they are bad enough, make you feel sick and might eventually manifest into physical problems later on. God didn't design us to pretend things are okay when they are not.

Being too passive is one of those things I really have to watch out for, because it's so easy for me to slip into not taking care of something, and just turning away. Sometimes I don't like myself enough to feel like I am worth the trouble.

 

[Jullianna]

This topic came up in our Bible study at my church last night. It moved on from how we react to one another to where things go from there, such as:

How do you handle it when a situation that should have been kept between the two parties involved spreads beyond that?

What happens when other people begin to judge the situation?

What happens when a 3rd or 4th party takes it upon themselves to become involved?

What happens when it leads to one of the parties discussing it with someone else behind the other party's back?

It's like a cancer, isn't it? It can destroy families, friendships, even churches. Maybe that's why I hate it so much. We know God does.

I truly believe that it's very important for the parties to be honest about how they are feeling with one another, take some time to calm down, think it over, and then rationally discuss it when emotions are not quite as raw so that unkind words are not spoken. BUT, from the beginning, it's so very important to make the determination in your heart to forgive the other person whether the conflict is resolved to your satisfaction or not. It is unforgiveness that eats at us and damages us in so many ways.

We are not called to invest our thoughtlife to discord, but to peace and edification.

 

[rus_lady]

AMEN ! i agree !

This topic came up in our Bible study at my church last night. It moved on from how we react to one another to where things go from there, such as:

How do you handle it when a situation that should have been kept between the two parties involved spreads beyond that?

What happens when other people begin to judge the situation?

What happens when a 3rd or 4th party takes it upon themselves to become involved?

What happens when it leads to one of the parties discussing it with someone else behind the other party's back?

It's like a cancer, isn't it? It can destroy families, friendships, even churches. Maybe that's why I hate it so much. We know God does.

I truly believe that it's very important for the parties to be honest about how they are feeling with one another, take some time to calm down, think it over, and then rationally discuss it when emotions are not quite as raw so that unkind words are not spoken. BUT, from the beginning, it's so very important to make the determination in your heart to forgive the other person whether the conflict is resolved to your satisfaction or not. It is unforgiveness that eats at us and damages us in so many ways.

We are not called to invest our thoughtlife to discord, but to peace and edification.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Exactly!!!

Another thing, being passive is bad for your health. All those unsaid things and un-faced problems just lurk inside your body, and if they are bad enough, make you feel sick and might eventually manifest into physical problems later on. God didn't design us to pretend things are okay when they are not.

Being too passive is one of those things I really have to watch out for, because it's so easy for me to slip into not taking care of something, and just turning away. Sometimes I don't like myself enough to feel like I am worth the trouble.

Venting anger can be more destructive than being passive. I've been down both roads. I've had anger management problems and I've been the person who keeps things inside and never says anything. Keeping it inside is painful but it is actually the better of the two evils. When you learn to vent your anger it is like a drug and you find yourself needing to vent more and more in order to feel like you've vented enough. You build a tolerance to your own anger so you keep needing to be more and more forceful with your outbursts in order to feel justified. Its a very dangerous road and I truly believe it is what leads to many unfortunate crimes where people just fly off the handle and do something very stupid just to express their anger.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

<---- Yak

 

[Elizabeth619]

How do I agrue? Liamson, you had me in mind when you made this thread didnt you?

I do it with witt and sarcasm! some still get offended.

 

[zeroturbulence]

<---- Yak

I wonder what would happen if someone tried to push the hair away from his eyes.

How do I agrue? Liamson, you had me in mind when you made this thread didnt you?

I do it with witt and sarcasm! some still get offended.

I think that's the best way!

 

[Jullianna]

I agree, Gabe. That's exactly why I do things differently now. In my younger days, when being right was more important than that person, I would just let it fly in a very COLORFUL, sarcastic, rip your legs out from under you manner. Then God got ahold of me. I'm so thankful...because I'm accountable for every word I say. It's just not worth it. I know the damage I'm capable of without Him.

 

[Crossfire]

I agree, Gabe. That's exactly why I do things differently now. In my younger days, when being right was more important than that person, I would just let it fly in a very COLORFUL, sarcastic, rip your legs out from under you manner. Then God got ahold of me. I'm so thankful...because I'm accountable for every word I say. It's just not worth it. I know the damage I'm capable of without Him.

Amen. Been there, done that myself. Thankfully the Lord is faithful to finish what He has started.

 

[zeroturbulence]

I agree, Gabe. That's exactly why I do things differently now. In my younger days, when being right was more important than that person, I would just let it fly in a very COLORFUL, sarcastic, rip your legs out from under you manner. Then God got ahold of me. I'm so thankful...because I'm accountable for every word I say. It's just not worth it. I know the damage I'm capable of without Him.

I'm glad you agree, Julianna, because I worry sometimes that you might have a tender ego like me, who has a hard time shrugging off insinuating remarks which are often said in an argument. I believe that the spirit of arguing is from the devil. Just like the scriptures say, it only leads to quarreling, anger and strife. For some of us, anger and strife is one thing we try so hard to avoid because we may have old, deep wounds that are easily opened.



"As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife." - Proverbs 16:21 NIV

" Don&#8217;t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord&#8217;s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. " - 2 Timothy 2:23-24

"Do not get involved in foolish discussions about spiritual pedigrees or in quarrels and fights about obedience to Jewish laws. These things are useless and a waste of time." - Titus 3:9 NLT

So Abram said to Lot, "Let's not have any quarreling between you and me, or between your herdsmen and mine, for we are brothers. - Genesis 13:8 NIV

 

[Jullianna]

If my ego was tender, I'd be ticked off pretty much everyday all day long where I work! I rarely get upset about things that have to do with me specifically (unless it's a false accusation), it's more about people close to me that set me off or people being abusive toward others. I have two hot buttons when it comes to losing it easily though: my late husband and my son. I'm working on it.

Funny thing is that I have more trouble shrugging off the stupid things that I say than I do the things said to me. I can forgive what has been said to or about me, but I don't have the power to undo the things I have said, you know?

Gotta stay out of this thread. It brings me down. ***bans self from thread***

 

[zeroturbulence]

If my ego was tender, I'd be ticked off pretty much everyday all day long where I work! I rarely get upset about things that have to do with me specifically (unless it's a false accusation), it's more about people close to me that set me off or people being abusive toward others. I have two hot buttons when it comes to losing it easily though: my late husband and my son. I'm working on it.

Funny thing is that I have more trouble shrugging off the stupid things that I say than I do the things said to me. I can forgive what has been said to or about me, but I don't have the power to undo the things I have said, you know?

Gotta stay out of this thread. It brings me down. ***bans self from thread***

My fault. Sorry.

 

[Relena7]

Venting anger can be more destructive than being passive. I've been down both roads. I've had anger management problems and I've been the person who keeps things inside and never says anything. Keeping it inside is painful but it is actually the better of the two evils. When you learn to vent your anger it is like a drug and you find yourself needing to vent more and more in order to feel like you've vented enough. You build a tolerance to your own anger so you keep needing to be more and more forceful with your outbursts in order to feel justified. Its a very dangerous road and I truly believe it is what leads to many unfortunate crimes where people just fly off the handle and do something very stupid just to express their anger.

Agreed. You don't want to feed the ugly inside and make it bigger.

It's important to not see venting and resolving things as the same thing. Because obviously they aren't. Not saying you are implying it, just thought I'd add that. =)