Our trust is gone

  • Thread starter Thread starter aNEWwife
  • Start date Start date
  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
A

aNEWwife

Guest
I have only been married for 6 months. My husband is a firefighter and volunteers on a pension committe. He goes out of two once every few months and always seems to rebel. I found that not only when he goes out of town he drinks heavily, but he also watches porn. The last trip I begged him not to go, but he promised that he was sorry and ashamed and we prayed together and he asked for God to save his marriage. Before he left he swore to me (you are not supossed to swear) on my two little girls lives, the life of his mother, and my life that he would uphold our marriage vows and show me that he was a good man. He swore he would not drink more than two beers and he would not look at porn.
The second night he called me drunk.... the third night away he agrued and told me I wasnt his mother. I knew right then that he was going against everything. I stayed up every night he was away crying about our marriage. I am a pretty girl, just was accepted into nursing school... I love him whole heartedly... I spoil him, never withold sex from him... How and why was he doing this? I have been an absolute wreck since he got home. He admitted to me that he watched porn, "a lot" while he was away. Why did he marry me if that is what he wanted? I have stuck by his side through so much and have given my whole heart to being his faithful wife. My two little girls love him so much... they are only five and seven and they have called him daddy for 2 years now. I feel like something inside of me has died. We spoke to our precher for a short moment about it, and spoke to a counseler, but I feel in my heart it was all for show. I am at a loss. I made a vow, a choice to love him... I want him to stop. I am so angry. I feel like one moment I want to hug him because I want to salvage our brand new marriage, and the next I want to lash out at him. I dont know how to get over it. Please help me. I cant even get out of bed I am so upset and depressed.
 
I am sorry I had so many typos! Just emotinal and not watching my grammer or spelling
 
aNEWwife said:
I have only been married for 6 months. My husband is a firefighter and volunteers on a pension committe. He goes out of two once every few months and always seems to rebel. I found that not only when he goes out of town he drinks heavily, but he also watches porn. The last trip I begged him not to go, but he promised that he was sorry and ashamed and we prayed together and he asked for God to save his marriage. Before he left he swore to me (you are not supossed to swear) on my two little girls lives, the life of his mother, and my life that he would uphold our marriage vows and show me that he was a good man. He swore he would not drink more than two beers and he would not look at porn.
The second night he called me drunk.... the third night away he agrued and told me I wasnt his mother. I knew right then that he was going against everything. I stayed up every night he was away crying about our marriage. I am a pretty girl, just was accepted into nursing school... I love him whole heartedly... I spoil him, never withold sex from him... How and why was he doing this? I have been an absolute wreck since he got home. He admitted to me that he watched porn, "a lot" while he was away. Why did he marry me if that is what he wanted? I have stuck by his side through so much and have given my whole heart to being his faithful wife. My two little girls love him so much... they are only five and seven and they have called him daddy for 2 years now. I feel like something inside of me has died. We spoke to our precher for a short moment about it, and spoke to a counseler, but I feel in my heart it was all for show. I am at a loss. I made a vow, a choice to love him... I want him to stop. I am so angry. I feel like one moment I want to hug him because I want to salvage our brand new marriage, and the next I want to lash out at him. I dont know how to get over it. Please help me. I cant even get out of bed I am so upset and depressed.
Click to expand...

Are those two little girls his daughters or somebody else's? If they are some other man's, then could he have some insecurity that is being preyed upon by the notion that you've been intimate with another man before? Men can be very territorial when it comes to women. And if they feel their "territory" (sorry, women) has been compromised, then that could leave them vulnerable and hurting. It would be hard if I had a woman who had been intimate with another man. She could love me more than she loved her own parents and children, but it would still be disheartening if I had too much time to think about it.
 
I was married before and my exhusband cheated on me. My two small children are a product of that marriage. In fact, my exhusband was at his lovers house when I misscarried our son. It took years for God to pull me out of that pit and help me love again. It was difficult for me to trust.
 
Drinking isn't something that one can overcome just by promising not to do it. Neither is porn. I think you need to be more realistic about his goals of trying to stop those habits. If he is going to seriously kick these habits it is going to be a long uphill battle for him and the last thing he will need is someone judging him every step of the way. You are going to have to be very patient and he is going to have to start a program to get off of these habits. He should consider joining AA (alcoholics anonymous) or something similar. I believe there is also help for porn addiction. This is much deeper than the two of you realize.
 
Ok heres my take on things ,,,,,, Firstly your the boss ,,, like it or not you are ,,, he feels he cant be open or himslef
now if you ask him he will lie and say ,,,its not so But clearly you are ,,,,, also because of your first hubby your waiting for this one to mess up as well ,,,, and he is
When people drink they so often tell you the real truth as they are to drunk to care ,,,,, so he told you your not his mother take this on board ,,,and let him be the man he could be ,,, not the man you want him to be ,,, he is feeling traped and no matter what he does its wrong ,,,, if you dont change you will lose this guy ,,,who could well be a great guy ,,,, in every story there are 2 sides to it ,,,, if he was on here i wonder what he would be saying ???
ponder what he would be saying to us ,,,,, Learn from this and be more open about what could well be your own problem ,,,, talk more yell at each other less ,,, i agree that you both need to change and so often we always want the other person to change before we even try ,,,,,, its true your not his mother ,,,, your his lover ,,, so be more of that and grow together ,,,,,,, its not *all* his fault ,,,, you be ready to change to ,,, you may well find the guy you feel in love with

GBU both

BADDOG
 
You are aware that he was likely drinking and watching porn before you married. Did you know he was doing this before you got married?

What Zero said was right, but you also have to add that your husband has to WANT to change. Without that desire then none of what Zero said even matters.

Also, you wondered why he wanted to get married if he's looking at porn. Because marriage provides something porn can't. He was looking for something, he used porn as a cheap substitute, got addicted, and now that he is married, he's still addicted. Addiction doesn't just go away because circumstances change. He may need some consequences to make him snap out of it and desire to seek help. Sometimes a separation can do that. Now this is not a divorce, but living apart and a change in how you act, until he proves himself to be getting help. Better to do this now and nip this in the bud then put it off, let his addiction get stronger, and you keep having to suffer through all this.

But Zero was also right about how you talk to him about this. Bringing it up too often, bringing it up in a situation where it isn't the key issue. Like if you have an argument about dirty dishes, don't drag his drinking and porn into the argument. If you do bring it up, plan ahead of time, so you can keep your emotions in check and not approach him in an emotional high where you will be overbearing and pushy. And please, before you say 'i don't do that' stop. Two things women should understand, yes, you are more emotional than you realize, and also, often what you consider a 'reasonable' amount of discussion or way of talking, a man will take as overbearing or nagging.

Lastly, not only is there AA for his drinking, but to get some help with how to deal with the porn issue try this website.... XXXChurch.com It is a Christian ministry that deals in all areas of porn, watching, married to addicts, and even porn actors/actresses. Hope this all helps.
 
zeroturbulence said:
Drinking isn't something that one can overcome just by promising not to do it. Neither is porn. I think you need to be more realistic about his goals of trying to stop those habits. If he is going to seriously kick these habits it is going to be a long uphill battle for him and the last thing he will need is someone judging him every step of the way. You are going to have to be very patient and he is going to have to start a program to get off of these habits. He should consider joining AA (alcoholics anonymous) or something similar. I believe there is also help for porn addiction. This is much deeper than the two of you realize.
Click to expand...

I agree with Zero.; it is much deeper than the two of you realize and won't be fixed over night.


You will have to be patient forgiving but keep firm boundaries copying God's example of how He loves and forgives you but still teaches you right from wrong.

Will keep you and your family in our prayers.

Don't think because he is addicted to porn there is something wrong with you. addictions of any type enslaves the person's mind. However God is able to heal, but it may take time.

Are you willing to be patient and loving and help him overcome and break these chains of sin that bind him?

On a positive note, he doesn't do this when you are there?

if so that would means you have a very good positive influence upon him and perhaps when he is stronger he will be able to stand and resist temptation without you there to help him.

dear God please bind the forces that would destroy the love and lives these two people are trying to build. Lord guide them and help them see that they do not battle against flesh and blood enemies but spiritual forces that try and corrupt and enslave us. Lord help them tear down any strongholds of the mind and any thoughts that war against knowledge of you Lord. Jesus we know YOU are able to heal, we thank you for your many blessings. please keep the little ones safe in Your loving embrace. In Jesus name we pray, amen

sorry for the typos i think i need to go to bed...
 
aNEWwife said:
I was married before and my exhusband cheated on me. My two small children are a product of that marriage. In fact, my exhusband was at his lovers house when I misscarried our son. It took years for God to pull me out of that pit and help me love again. It was difficult for me to trust.
Click to expand...

I hope some of what we're saying here can help or at least help you realize something you hadn't before. I thought about this a little more last night, and I just wanted to add one more thing.

If he's rebelling it may be because he's mad at the present circumstances. And maybe he's rebelling in a sexual way because he feels his wife has been violated in a sexual way. That is, he may feel like a part of you forever belongs to another man even if you utterly hate and despise that man. And because a part of you belongs to another man, he can never fully have you. This may be dissatisfying for him, and maybe he will want to fully have someone else. So be on your guard. Or maybe he just wants you to not take him for granted and to know what he feels like, so he might try to make you feel the same thing in order for you to understand what he's going through.

But that might not be the case, because then you'd already know what he felt like since you've had your ex-husband's heart belong to another woman before. Anyway, very complicated. Very messy. You both will need God, and the only way you will receive God's help is if you are truly following God. And being married and divorced and remarrying only complicates things, especially in your relationship with God, since remarriage for anything other than sexual immorality is viewed as adultery in God's book. And if God does ever view your relationship as adulterous, then it's likely not going to work.

There is one last thing. I feel for you. You've been wronged once and now you may be wronged again. When a person goes through multiple relationships that have a common thread there are two common thoughts that come to mind: 1. the problem is the way you treat men or 2. the problem is the kind of men you are attracted to.

I still think he's going to struggle with the fact that his children are really somebody else's and they may turn against him at any moment. Also he may feel that you may turn against him at any moment if your ex-husband begins to treat you nicely, etc. So in my mind he's standing on some very shaky ground in his relationship with you. Maybe he feels like an outsider and just wants to belong with someone rather than be a third party.

I hope you both will find God's love and will in your lives.
 
I lied. One more thing.

Having a child of his own with you may help to cement the ties in your relationship. Then he will feel like less of you belongs to another man and more of you belongs to him. Then he will feel a little more like he belongs in the relationship maybe. Marriage and child-bearing have always been ways to unite people and even nations together. But I'd also be a little cautious.

I'm sorry if this is straight-forward. My intentions are only the best for you. I can only say it how I feel it. And your husband and I are two different people. The issue may be quite different.
 
First and formost, you cannot change him, you do need to give him compleatly to Jesus.
Also, as others said, there are reasons why he drinks and looks at porn, nothing you did is the cause, for all one knows these habits may have begun many years ago, and once begun, take time and healing to change.
Just remember that thease actions are the symptoms, the cause is something in him that he needs to recieve deliverance and healing in Jesus from.
As to trust, you will need to decide to trust him , except in the issues you spoke to, and again, you will have to rest these in Jesus.
Do not let these issues divide you and him, for your love and intamcy are the glue of your marriage, and will see you through his struggle and yours.
You will have to forgive him daily in Jesus, otherwise bitterness and resentment will take hold, and these will destroy far faster than his sins.
I know this is heartbreaking for you in many ways, but looking to Jesus, and seeing that your husband has this weakness, and needs healing, and you recognising this without judgement or hate for him , knowing that this is why Jesus sacrificed all for you and your husband.
Will keep the doors open for Jesus to work on your husband , and heal your heart as well.
I witness to this because my husband did something that broke my heart to where I thought I would never recover.
I understand the pain that is trying to steal the love and healing you both are promised in Jesus, from you both.
I made the mistake of closing my heart to my husband, and bitterness quickly took hold.
Instead of my husband seeing my pain and changing like I hoped, he became more bitter and isloated from me.
I thank and praise Jesus for quickly opening my eyes to the path I was walking in this.
I then looked at Jesus, and saw that we all will fail sometimes, ourslves and those we love, simply because we are flesh.
I then gave my husband to Jesus, praying alot. :)
And returned to loving him and not judgeng him, seeing his sins as simply that, the sin we all fall into for many reasons.
I then in heart, saw Jesus on the cross for my husband , in this I no longer judged, and simply trusted all to Jesus.
It took tme, but everyday, the healing began, because my husband saw I was not against him, but one with him again.
Now we work together on the things that almost destroyed our love, and Jesus has helped me help and love my husband forgiving his actions.
This was several years ago, and our marriage contiues to grow in the love of Jesus.
I know this sounds so diffcult right now to do, to see beyond your husbands wrongs, and see the man that God created him to be.
But in asking Jesus for His love for your husband, no matter the outcome, you will have the love and peace of Jesus blessing you both.
For it is sometimes the things we believe we cannot live through, that Jesus's love and glory shines brightest.
Trust all to Jesus, and ask Jesus for His love for your husband.
The healing you both need will be shown to you both.
I never thought I could get over the pain my husband caused me and our marraige.
But now what happened has cemented our love even greater for each other, and Jesus has healed all.
You both are in my prayers in Jesus for all healing .

hugs and God bless
pickles
 
I agree with the others that addictions to porn and alcohol need serious help. I'll pray that your husband will feel convicted enough to seek help. He will need your support in that.

I don't think people realize the extensive damage that pornography does to relationships.

I will be praying for you and your family!! Please seek a support system yourself...especially mature Christians...a church family can be very encouraging!
 
TheAristocat said:
I lied. One more thing.

Having a child of his own with you may help to cement the ties in your relationship. Then he will feel like less of you belongs to another man and more of you belongs to him. Then he will feel a little more like he belongs in the relationship maybe. Marriage and child-bearing have always been ways to unite people and even nations together. But I'd also be a little cautious.

I'm sorry if this is straight-forward. My intentions are only the best for you. I can only say it how I feel it. And your husband and I are two different people. The issue may be quite different.
Click to expand...

I'm sorry Aristocat, I can't agree with your suggestion about having a child together. Having children ALWAYS brings new tensions into a family. Children need to be born into stable families, not be expected to make a family stable :)
 
Yeah, bringing a child into an already bad situation doesn't make people act magically better. It puts greater strain on people. Financially harder, less free time, less sleep, more worry. Adding more stress to an already stressful situation is like asking for trouble. Either the child is neglected because the parents are caught up in their own problems, or (usually the mother) immerses herself in motherhood as an escape from her marital problems, and not resolving anything.
 
Lucy68 said:
I'm sorry Aristocat, I can't agree with your suggestion about having a child together. Having children ALWAYS brings new tensions into a family. Children need to be born into stable families, not be expected to make a family stable :)
Click to expand...

Lucy is right. I don't think it is ever right to have a baby in hope that is will solve problems in a relationship. I can only ever imagine it getting worse, nor do I think it should be risked.

I think you need to just really pray about this situation and ask the Lord to give you strength. As others have said, these problems that your husband has are not ones that will just go away. I'm praying that the two of you are able to sit down and really talk about your feelings and want you each need in the relationship.

I know the things he has done are hurtful and make you angry, but if you want to be with him and help him you are going to have to try to keep that anger from getting out of hand. Seek help, be loving, pray and trust God.
Maybe there is a Christian woman at your church that you can talk with and help encourage you as well as help you deal with your trust issues and hurt.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top Bottom
Back