Husband drama that I need advice with

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Guest
#21
#21
We have gone to counseling and I was told to say things like, I do not want to be treated like this, etc. But, during the mix of everything he is really mean and he will use my non hurting, or non threating, or vulnerable words against me. When we go to counseling he admits everything and acts like my super hero husband (the one I fell in love with), but after the high wears off or I let out any of my frustration, he explodes.

I want to be with my husband for the rest of my life, I would love for him to care, respect, and love me, but I am afraid I will be with him either way. I do take a stand, I do approach the problem in the most delicate way, I do respect him, I do not let my pain reflect on my way of communicating.

I HATE fighting or arguing and I could count how many tiimes I did something to be the fault of our problem. I will admit when I do things wrong to him in the moment, I am not too proud. My love for him out weighs my anger, ALWAYS! I do not say things I do not mean.

My fault is, I like to solve and address any problems in order to feel close to him and he would rather brush everything under the rug. I do instigate fights by attempting to solve problems. I strongly feel I have to solve them, not in my favor or anything, but grow from the situation. I could care less who it favors as long as it accomplishs a solution we both agree is a solution.
Thank you for all of your opinions, I will look into support groups, I was kinda hoping this site was similar to that. I am new to social sites, sorry.
 
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shekaniah

Guest
#22
#22
There is nothing wrong with wanted to keep things out in the open...

When someone does not want to talk about something, it is usely because it makes them feel bad or guilty.

Do you have an older Christian women you can talk to...it always helped me when thing got rough in my marriage.

I'm glad to say that now that my husband and I are older...we have smoothed most of the bumps in the road.

Don't let his problems...become yours...you can't change him...you can only change how you react to him.

By changing your reactions...you can change his...

My friend told me to write notes to my husband, I would put them in his lunch. That way I was not around when he read how I felt...

It gave him time to think and cool off...before we would talk.

You can even write your thoughts down, and try to find a way to refraise it so he might not get so defensive.

Or read them to a friend you trust...a wise older women.

I will be praying for you too!

In His Love, Shekaniah
 
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Guest
#23
#23
I do not have anyone to talk to. I do not have friends other than my husband and the company of my kids. I talk a little to parents, but not enough to confide personal things. I never allow myself to get close to others besides family for some reason. I always feel others do not genuinely like me or that they won't keep things between us. I always keep an eye open for someone to befriend, no luck yet.

All good ideas. The next time something comes up I will give one of them a try. I do rehearse everything many times before saying anything to him, but I have never wrote them down. I like that, because later I can reflect back and see if my words were as logical as I felt they were.Thank you
 
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Lucy68

Senior Member
#24
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
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#24
shekaniah said:
There is nothing wrong with wanted to keep things out in the open...

When someone does not want to talk about something, it is usely because it makes them feel bad or guilty.

Do you have an older Christian women you can talk to...it always helped me when thing got rough in my marriage.

I'm glad to say that now that my husband and I are older...we have smoothed most of the bumps in the road.

Don't let his problems...become yours...you can't change him...you can only change how you react to him.

By changing your reactions...you can change his...

My friend told me to write notes to my husband, I would put them in his lunch. That way I was not around when he read how I felt...

It gave him time to think and cool off...before we would talk.

You can even write your thoughts down, and try to find a way to refraise it so he might not get so defensive.

Or read them to a friend you trust...a wise older women.

I will be praying for you too!

In His Love, Shekaniah
Click to expand...

Wow, this is so true in my marriage too! Writing notes to him is a great way to say what you want to say without being interrupted by an outburst.

Having other women to talk to helps also. I've never found another female that I feel like that I can confide in though! The ones I know gossip...and these are Church women!

You know every couple has to find their own 'dynamics' and what works for them. Sometimes when I'm unhappy with what my husband is doing, or not doing, a cooling off time seems to work better. He would view my expressing a problem as 'whining'. But if I'm distant, but still polite, he gets the meaning and actually responds to it. Is this silly or what? I probably should talk it out, but I've learned enough about his personality to know what gets his attention better.

Have you thought about counseling? A third party can sometimes help open up communication lines. Men and women are 'wired' differently. Men would rather ignore some things and forget them but we're like 'this is important, pay attention, how can you ignore this?'.

Hang in there! We all go through this to some degree :)
 
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answers

Guest
#25
#25
We have gone to a christian counseler. He loved my husband. He was shocked on how my husband came into his office and let it all out, but would not talk about anything with me. The counseler told him to talk with me for fifteen minutes a day, but he doesn't. If we are talking, it is me not him and usually he is looking at a phone or something. The only exception is when he wants to share something about himself or something that would involve him, and that is not the relationship. I ask often, if he doesn't consider me part of him, that's how I feel, but he says no I do.

Anyway, I think we might go back to the counseler, I am not turned on by him anymore, more things bother me than ever. I could write a huge list of the things I do not like and a small list of what I do. That is not right. I love him to death, too much, but I don't like him? Doesn't make sense to me.
 
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Lucy68

Senior Member
#26
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
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#26
answers said:
We have gone to a christian counseler. He loved my husband. He was shocked on how my husband came into his office and let it all out, but would not talk about anything with me. The counseler told him to talk with me for fifteen minutes a day, but he doesn't. If we are talking, it is me not him and usually he is looking at a phone or something. The only exception is when he wants to share something about himself or something that would involve him, and that is not the relationship. I ask often, if he doesn't consider me part of him, that's how I feel, but he says no I do.

Anyway, I think we might go back to the counseler, I am not turned on by him anymore, more things bother me than ever. I could write a huge list of the things I do not like and a small list of what I do. That is not right. I love him to death, too much, but I don't like him? Doesn't make sense to me.
Click to expand...
It does make sense...I know exactly what you mean! My husband can put on a good act around others too and say all the right words in all the right ways....and really not mean them. But I know what he really thinks because I live with him and actions speak louder than words.

Sounds like you do have some serious things to work out. Keep doing what you're doing and be patient. God works behind the scenes lots of times and we don't even know it. I will pray for your husband that his heart is open to the Spirit's leading and that he will be convicted of his sin.

Why wouldn't the counselor let you say anything?
 
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answers

Guest
#27
#27
When we started counseling, my husband said he needs the most help, so the counseler mainly concentrated on my husband. He did let me talk, but I don't hold grudges, so I struggled with having the right words or giving examples. I was only able to express how I felt. He would tell me to write things down and bring it in next time and I would, we would discuss the things on my paper. He would assume typical women attitudes were given during the situations on my list and my husband would say I do not do those things. He would tell my husband to grow up.(not in those words) He basically said my husband unintentially is trying to turn me into his mom, who is the opposite of me.
During each session he would tell my husband that he is really lucky to have a woman like me and would stress that to my husband, but my husband would say he knows and that is as far as the thought went.

This probably dosn't make much sense, but I am summarizing a lot. I wanted to give you a feel for how it went.
 
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Lucy68

Senior Member
#28
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
0
#28
Sounds like you have a counselor that is willing to look at both sides. One thing that may help is for you to keep a daily diary that you can write down things that happen and how you respond to them. Writing things down really does help you sort things out in your own mind.

If talking with your husband in the room seems to hinder you, maybe you can ask for a private session? I know I would be editing everything I said if my husband was listening. After all, isn't it the fear of how our husbands are going to respond to criticism that holds us back?
 
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