J
Im so sick of being screwed up. I know I'm on a healing road, and at this point I've discovered one other part of me. My life was traumatic to say the least, so I have lots of little me's roaming around my head. A few weeks ago I discovered a little 2-yr-old me that really hates herself. Now I think I've uncovered a new one. I'm not 100% sure, but I believe she stems froms a mother who was constantly berating herself physically and comparing herself to others, as well as complaining that my dad isn't love her because of (fill in the blank). And a porn addicted incestuous pedophile father who paid no attention to me as I grew up, had not an ounce of affirmation in him, and groped women in public. Just to be clear, I'm speaking metaphorically. I do not have multiple personalities.
The 2-yr-old brings cutting, scratching, and banging with her. This older one brings an eating disorder. Food is scary right now. I unintentionally stopped eating enough. I suppose it was subconscious, but it has been going on for about a month. I also started purging with laxatives, though I wasn't really aware of what I was doing with that either. I realized when I felt weak that I had completely fallen back into anorexia and not even seen it. It scared me more that it happened withoute being aware. My brain is not functioning right now. Eating means potentially gaining weight. It scares me. I force myself to eat. I stopped taking laxatives when I realized what I was doing. I have been doing ok at least outwardly, but my brain is really screwed up. I am now conscious of what I'm doing, and eating has a lot of control over me. Today was my first slip up in a few days. I had to get a ride to an interview and the person I was with decided he wanted to hang out at the church for hours, but I was starving since I hadn't eaten much that morning. I had to eat what was at the church and it was the worst feeling in the world. I tried to induce vomitting which didn't work, so I doubled laxatives and walked 10 miles in the dark. I know this is illogical. I'm trying to hold on, but I'm rolling down this hill and I can't steer.
The 2-yr-old brings cutting, scratching, and banging with her. This older one brings an eating disorder. Food is scary right now. I unintentionally stopped eating enough. I suppose it was subconscious, but it has been going on for about a month. I also started purging with laxatives, though I wasn't really aware of what I was doing with that either. I realized when I felt weak that I had completely fallen back into anorexia and not even seen it. It scared me more that it happened withoute being aware. My brain is not functioning right now. Eating means potentially gaining weight. It scares me. I force myself to eat. I stopped taking laxatives when I realized what I was doing. I have been doing ok at least outwardly, but my brain is really screwed up. I am now conscious of what I'm doing, and eating has a lot of control over me. Today was my first slip up in a few days. I had to get a ride to an interview and the person I was with decided he wanted to hang out at the church for hours, but I was starving since I hadn't eaten much that morning. I had to eat what was at the church and it was the worst feeling in the world. I tried to induce vomitting which didn't work, so I doubled laxatives and walked 10 miles in the dark. I know this is illogical. I'm trying to hold on, but I'm rolling down this hill and I can't steer.