Praise God that you have a heart that wants to please Him and I know He sees that with all gladness. Sounds like you are suffering from your 'hope being deferred' mentioned in
Proverbs 13:12 "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life."
One thing I've learned after being a christian (born again) for 18 years is the way we 'feel' about things most of the time does not line up His word. We are called to live by faith and not by sight.... with a 'hope and
desire' of what's to come (our heavenly home). God's word says to seek Him first and all these things shall be added.... If He is our
first desire which fulfills every need, then everything else will fall into place. You will have a 'contentment' in all things, no matter what situation... good or bad...
Philippians 4:11-13
11 Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: 12 I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. 13 I can do all things through Christ[a] who strengthens me.
This happens when you are grounded and rooted in love;
Eph 3
14 For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,[
c] 15 from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, 16 that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to
be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, 17 that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— 19 to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.
20 Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think,
according to the power that works in us, 21 to Him
be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
The
Holy Spirit was promised to us by Jesus to empower and enable us to live the abundant life He promises. Ask God to fill you with His spirit.
Ephesians 5:
17 Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord
is. 18 And do not be drunk with wine, in which is dissipation; but be
filled with the Spirit, 19 speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord,
I was saved into quite a legalistic church where I felt I needed to 'do the Lord's work' to be accepted by Him... but never felt it was enough really. When you mentioned following the 10 commandments.... firstly those laws were given to the Jews to "reveal" their sinful state and not us gentiles . Paul goes on and on in the NT to the 'converted' Jews about not imposing Jewish law upon gentiles and basically saying that it is only by our faith in Jesus Christ that we can be saved.
Galatians 2:
16 knowing that a
man is not justified by the works of the law but by faith in Jesus Christ, even we have believed in Christ Jesus, that we might be justified by faith in Christ and not by the works of the law; for
by the works of the law no flesh shall be justified.
No one is able to follow the law perfectly (otherwise we would be righteous by our own merit and not through Jesus Christ);
James 2:10 (King James Version)
10For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all.
That was the whole point of Jesus dying on the cross, knowing that by our own 'works' we cannot be saved and our works are like filthy rags before Him (Isaiah 64:6). Jesus 'fulfilled' the law and gave a greater one... to Love Him (desire) with all of your heart, mind and strength and your neighbor as yourself.
I won't go into too greater detail about this but I thought it was very important...because the bible says the letter (law) kills but the spirit gives life. That's why you will not 'experience' the abundance of life... because this mentality 'kills' your spirit which gives you 'life'.
2 Corinthians 3:6
who also made us sufficient as ministers of the new covenant, not of the
letter but of the Spirit; for the
letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.
So... in saying all of this, every time I feel confused and doubtful... I ask God for His wisdom and direction, which is what the bible says to do. It truly has brought me to greater heights in my walk with God and a strengthening of my faith that I never would have thought possible years ago. I truly believe that is WHY you have those times... because God wants you to 'grow' in your faith and character (we are called to be transformed into the likeness of Jesus).
Isaiah 33:6
Wisdom and knowledge will be the
stability of your times, And the strength of salvation; The fear of the LORD is His treasure.
I personally used to be a rollercoaster christian, not knowing if God really loved me because I didn't feel His love tangeably, struggling with doubt and fear often. Of course it takes time to grow in these areas, but one of the biggest problems is the foundation you have built upon. If you are not experiencing the 'abundant' life Jesus promised in John 10:10 then its definitely time to ask for God's wisdom in His word which will give you a deeper revelation of God and correct any wrong theology you may have.
Proverbs says we shall seek this above all else. It also says that it promises to give you happiness (
Proverbs 3:13
Happy is the man who finds wisdom, And the man who gains understanding),
The grace of God is SUFFICIENT for us in all things (2Cor 12:9). A heart of thankfulness for what Jesus has done, knowing that nothing you could ever DO can make you right with God but Jesus paid the price in FULL for your sins, should be the center of your joy and the reason why you live in HOPE and abundance (strengthen in the inner man as it said above in Eph). You will learn to really trust that He is sovereign and He has the best for you, as a loving Father.... (Luke 11:11). It's 'trusting' His absolute will for your life which is the hardest part... but if you are 'perfected' in His love... fear and doubt will be driven out
1 John 4:18
There is no fear in
love; but
perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made
perfect in
love.
Here are some more scriptures that have helped me 'grow' and 'understand' God through these times. I pray they strengthen and encourage you... I believe they will as God's word is powerful and sharper than a 2 edged sword... and the greatest source of encouragement you will ever find.
Doing everything in God's strength and not your own;
Matthew 11:
28Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.
29Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
30For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”
An 'opportunity' to grow deeper in God
James 1:
2Dear brothers and sisters,
a when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.
3For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.
4So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.
5If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.
6But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind.
7Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.
8Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.
Blessings
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It is the common fallen-mankind condition and something we have to live with all of our lives.
