I do believe satan is trying to feed my unworthyness, I find myself always feeling not good enough.
The devil is constantly trying to 'accuse' us before God (Rev 12:10). He constantly shoots fiery darts at our minds (Eph 6:16), so that is why we always need to be standing on His promises and refute the enemy as Jesus did - with the word of God.
A very important verse to constantly believe and proclaim is;
Romans 8:1
Therefore, there is
now
no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,
Jesus has paid the price for ALL of your sins... past, present and future... and until the day you are glorified in your body you will always struggle with your sinful nature and never be 'righteous' of your own accord. God chose you and even the fact that you feel His conviction is evidence of you being saved. The need to re-commit continually, especially when you say there is no evident sin in your life that you feel convicted of, is indicative of you relying on the way you feel (weakness, etc) and not faith (which is us accepting God's word completely). You've been saved by His grace... underserved favour... you could never EARN God's love and acceptance... but Jesus is standing in the gap for you. You sound like you don't know where you stand with God at all... but the very fact that you are seeking help and guidance and 'desire' to do God's will should be evidence of God's holy spirit working in you. What He began He will complete.
Philippians 1:6
being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good
work in you will
complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;
In our own flesh we have no desire for the things of God;
Romans 3:10-12
10 As it is written:
“There is none righteous, no, not one;
11 There is none who understands;
There is none who seeks after God.
12 They have all turned aside;
They have together become unprofitable;
There is none who does good, no, not one.”[
a]
Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh in any way.... my heart really goes out to you because I used to be such an up and down, roller coaster christian and never feel good enough. It was such a lie from the enemy... but really, I didn't know any better because I was not taught any better. That was until God led me to finally work out my own salvation and understand the depths of His grace... and that is where I began building on a strong and sure salvation... based all upon receiving and being perfect in His love. That was truly when my potential in God 'flowered' so-to-speak, as it is the love of Christ that compels me. Knowing the depths of His love (which we can never fathom) fills us up with the strength we need to do His will. That's why it is His greatest commandment to love Him and others.
1 John 4:18
There is no fear in
love; but
perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made
perfect in
love.
All our 'efforts' are still like filthy rags to God (Isaiah 64:6) so we will never be good enough. But your faith in Jesus is the key to being 'justified';
- Romans 3:24
being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus,
- Romans 5:1
[ Faith Triumphs in Trouble ] Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,
- Galatians 2:16
knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law but by faith in Jesus Christ, even we have believed in Christ Jesus, that we might be justified by faith in Christ and not by the works of the law; for by the works of the law no flesh shall be justified.
Believing in works-based salvation will always cripple your understanding and ability to truly receive the unconditional love of God for what it is. The apostle Paul (the apostle to us gentiles) called himself the chief of all sinners and spoke about his constant struggle of the flesh. You've become weak now because it seems you've been striving in the flesh to please God for so many years... without really 'knowing' and 'accepting' the depths of His love for you.
Eph 3
16 that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, 17 that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— 19 to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Romans 8:38-39
38 For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, 39 nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Ephesians 22
And you He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins, 2 in which you once walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience, 3 among whom also we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, just as the others.
4 But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, 5 even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), 6 and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 7 that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. 8 For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, 9 not of works, lest anyone should boast. 10 For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.
Lastly (sorry it's so long!), it's a little concerning to me when you say that you keep people at an arm's length... I'm not sure... but that's something you should ask God to give you wisdom about. We were made for relationships and we are called to be a blessing and to serve others... so that would definitely be an obstacle in the desire for God to use you.
I truly believe this is a time when God is wanting to reveal Himself to you on a deeper level. There is a 'reason' for feeling this way now and God is getting your attention. His purpose is always for us to grow in our character and faith in Him. I've learned never to despise or 'fret' when I feel weak or discouraged... it's because God is working something greater in me. Even though we may be faithless at times, He remains faithful.
2 Timothy 2:13
If we are faithless, He
remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself)
Blessings
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