Giving up

[beyondbroken]

I give up!! It has been 7 mths since my husband left and nothing has changed. I can't do this anymore. One day he loves me the next he can't be with me. He isn't willing to go to marriage counseling. I can't keep going up and down on this emotional roller coaster w him anymore. How can somebody say I love you but when asked they can't say they want to b w you or make your marriage work??? I have never felt so unloved, unwanted, undesired, unworthy, rejected in my life. I hurt so bad. I can't do this anymore. I have never felt like such a failure in all of my life. I look in my kids eyes and feel I have failed them.
I get so angry at God. And Im sorry but I am just being honest. I keep hearing about how God is about family and not divorce. THEN why wont He step in and change things? Why is my husbands heart so unreachable? Why, why , why??? Why does God allow His children to hurt so bad? I am so ready to give up on EVERYTHING!!!
I cant type out everything that has been going on in the last 7 mths, but it has been the hardest time of my life and I just am ready to give up. And when I tell him that he is like wow I can't believe this. I can't believe you are saying that....yet he rejects me over and over.
He wants to keep punishing me for mistakes I made 10 yrs ago and forget the mulitple affairs he has had on me. He wants to say how what I did can hinder a relationship as if he has walked out on me twice for another woman.
And scary thing is, for the first time, I have thougtht it would be easier to just blow my brains out then fight thru the mental attacks and to have to face another day feeling all the hurt that I do! Can't stop the tears from falling just typing that.
I can't do this any more and I don't want to be alone. And I am scared and confused and HURT BEYOND WORDS!! I can't take it anymore!
Im sorry I have just been holding it in for so long and I just have to release it....Ive been crying out to Jesus for so long and I don't hear anything. Nothing is changing. Maybe God doesn't want me to be w him anymore and that is why nothing is changing. I am reading my Bible, going to church, praying constantly, I meet w my Pastor. I have in home Bible study. I dont know what else to do!

 

[jonathanbchristian]

I don't agree with divorce usually but Jesus gave one reason we could divorce and since your husband cheated on you, you can get a divorce, Matthew 5:31-32; 19:8. You can also remarry since you are not the one who cheated. Of course you do not have to divorce but you have the option. God loves you.

 

[beyondbroken]

Well he cheated on me 10 yrs ago. when he left me for her I was scared and alone and 24 w a kid so I turned to booze and I had a couple one nights stands. So technically we both cheated. I had never felt so dirty in my life and I couldn't believe I did that cuz that isn't the type of person I am. I felt horrible and guilty inside. I sincerely repented and asked God to forgive me and gave my life to the Lord and took my husband back. I have been faithful to my husband ever since then. Nov he left me again and I found out that he was involved in a relationship with another woman again. So he cheated and I cheated so I don't think I would be justified in God's eyes to get remarried. And honestly, I will NEVER allow anybody a chance w my heart again. I have been fighting for my marriage for 7 mths and I have gotten no where. So I think too much damage is done and I don't believe God is going to restore our marriage. I believe it is over for good. I am trying to let it go and accept that but I am having a really hard time. I can't stop cryning. Divorce is the last thing I have ever wanted. I am a much different person then I was 10 yrs ago.

 

[shemaiah]

First of all God does not force anyone to act in a certain way, if your husband does not want to change, God will not force him, but he still can be influenced. Its a little wierd, you are angry at the only person who can save you.
Anyway, I just want to let you know that in Christ, you can always put everything in His hands and He will take care of it coz He is faithful, and what you do will never separate you from Him nor any of the things He has for you. I don't have an answer for you but Jesus is the answer, keep reaching out for Him, He is waiting for you to come openly to Him. God bless

 

[Lucy68]

I am so sorry you're hurting so badly

I do pray that you and your husband can eventually work things out. But first, I think you need some individual healing and growing. His behavior has been terrible...you didn't respond very well either but you did repent of it and didn't repeat it.

I think he knows that you emotionally depend on him so much that he thinks he can do ANYTHING and you will eventually take him back. I think you need to get yourself to the point that you can live without him....and be OK. I'm not saying divorce him right away, but learn to stand on your own two feet for awhile; and work God into the equation.

Then if you feel like you're ready to accept him back into the marriage, lay down some rules for him. If he's very willing to follow those conditions, maybe you can give it another try. If he isn't willing, them tell him no thanks.

You're heart is worth protecting; you don't have to let him keep shredding it to pieces.

You say you're mad at God but I don't really see why. His Word is very plain about what kind of things hurt us and he tells us to avoid them. Only your husband can control his behavior; God isn't going to make him do something....that's free will, and we all have it.

Going to church and bible study and meeting with your pastor are all good things. They may not help restore your marriage but they will help you to become stronger. Even if your marriage doesn't continue, you can have a wonderful relationship with Jesus.

Be careful of bitterness. It can ruin your life. I've had to deal with it for 3 years and I'm just not coming out of it. You are young and you can still have a very meaningful and joyful life....even if you're husband leaves you. You're more than just his wife...you are first and foremost a child of God

 

[Livi94]

Lucy68: Very Wise words.

Beyondbroken: Ill be praying for you, God loves you! <3

 

[beyondbroken]

Thank you all for your prayers. I guess I am not really angry at God, I am just so hurt and mad because of the situation. I don't understand why this has to happen again. I know God is the only answer. I know that is my only source of strength. I know that if it wasnt for God there is no way I could make it through each moment. Trust me I am holding on to Him with all my might. I have gotten so close to God and that is not because of my circumstances, its the desire in my heart. I know He is the only way. When I turned back to God all them yrs ago, I promised I would serve Him w or w/out my husband and I am continueing to do so. Some days it is just really hard to not give in to the hurt I feel and today is just an emotionally HARD day. I know God will not force himself on my husband. I know my husband has his own free will. All the things that are being said I know and do believe also. I know I can live without my husband, just not what I wanted for me or my kids. And I guess thats where the hurt comes in.
Im sorry....just had a really hard day and a weak moment and I have been in tears through out the day. Thank you for praying for me and your wonderful advise. Really appreciate it

 

[Ugly]

hi beyond
Sorry to hear things are rough for you. But i'm going to be honest with you. You're so angry at God, though you don't seem to have a right understanding of Him, which is part of your anger. Basically you're expecting God to make your husband change. It doesn't work that way. God can't make your husband change. He can't force your marriage to reconcile. Your husband has the free will to make his own choices. And hes choosing to be selfish. If God could force peoples hearts to change, there would be no unsaved at all. He would just make them want to accept Him. So firstly, don't be mad that God doesn't force His will. Would God prefer your marriage to work? Absolutely, but He recognizes that He gave your husband the freedom to decide that himself. Sure, you can pray, and hope that God can find a way to effect this man, to get him to willingly stay and be faithful. But prayer isn't a command we give and it happens.
My opinion of why your husband stays in limbo over your marriage is he must be getting something out of it. He wants to come home to his loving, doting wife cleaning his house and making him dinner. Have the nice, normal life. But when he gets bored he wants the option of going out and doing whatever he wants. He wants the best of both worlds. Family and wife in one world, and lots of heated sex with other women in the other world. Its just that simple. Usually the reasons for a cheating spouse are easy to figure out, you just have to be willing to hear and see and accept the truth of that person.
Again, if you believe God is punishing you for your mistakes, you are showing a lack of understanding of God. There is a huge difference between being punished and having consequences. Right now you're making choices, those choices have consequences, whether good or bad. Its not God's fault if you make a bad choice. Its not a punishment if you reap in that bad choice. This is about taking responsibility for the choices you've made, accept that there are consequences and learning how to move forward in spite of them, not dwelling on them and blaming your choices and consequences on God.
You made a choice to stay with a man who cheated on you not once, not even twice it sounds like but 'multiple' times. Now you're surprised to find out he isn't committed. Come on now, you can't blame God for the fact that all these years your husband has been telling you, affair after affair, that he doesn't want to make this a serious marriage, that he is not fully committed. Yet you chose to walk blindly and ignore the facts that were there the whole time. Fact is your marriage didn't end 7 months ago, it ended years ago when he decided to stop putting you first and started sleeping around.
I'm really not trying to be mean here. Nor am i trying to get your husband off the hook. Your husband is fully to blame for his choices and actions. But so are you. And you will never get past this until you learn to not blame God for the choices you made, and then be angry He didn't fix it for you and let you live out the consequence. I know this firsthand. I have some major medical problems. Guess whose fault that is. Mine. I learned to stop blaming God for my choices. I had signs, warning signs, that i ignored, over and over again. I chose not to see doctors, not to take things seriously. Now i have a lifelong affliction. God tried to show me, i didn't listen. Same is true for you. You had signs, affair after affair, and like me, you chose not to heed the warnings. Now, like me, we both have consequences we have to live with.
Again, i am sorry for how things worked out. I always hate hearing about cheating in marriages and all the damage it causes to the individuals. I do hope you can find a way to heal through all of this, to rediscover God and to one day move on from it all and have a better life.

 

[beyondbroken]

Ugly....I am not even sure how to respond to you! First and foremost, I do have an understanding of God and I have a very personal relationship w God. I also am very aware that there are consequences for sin, which is different from punishment. I understand you reap what you sow. I don't believe God is punishing me.( the statement I was refering to in my orginal post was my husband was) I have accept God's forgiveness YEARS ago for the choices I made. I also understand that the choices I made were of my own doing and not of God. I had also posted last night that it isnt really God I am angry at it is the situation that I am in. I know that God will not force Himself on anybody or in any situation but I would be foolish not to pray and believe that God can chg my husbands heart and heal my marriage. If Jesus could raise the dead surely love and life can be breathed back into my broken marriage.
And yes I am surprised that my husband cheated on me again. His first affair was 10 yrs ago. We had gotten back together a yr after that so for the past 9 yrs yes I believed my husband was being faithful to me. I had no clue that when he left me and his kids 7 mths ago ( which initially was not for another woman) that he would get involved w somebody again. So yes, I was and am very surprised. Cause for 9 yrs we did everything as a family. You didn't see one without the other. So I did not walk blindly and choose to ignore the facts cuz there was no sign there! Did I struggle w trust from the first affair, absolluetly. Was I still hurt , yes. Did I walk in unforgiveness, yes. Did I blame my husband for the choices I made, yes I did that to which was wrong. So I came to a place that I had to take complete responsibility for what I did and choices I made and ask God to change my heart and to remove the unforgiveness I had inside of me.
Yesterday I was having a very weak moment where I felt like the waves of the raging storm around me was overtaken me. And even in my weakness I asked God to forgive me for every doubting Him! I rediscovered God many years ago and I know Him and love Him.

 

[answers]

Beyondbroken,

I am glad you felt weak here on a site with fellow christian sinners, you could have made a worse choice. I joined this site for christian support for times like yours. I understand you were venting and in that vent slipped out your deepest unwanted thought (doubting of our lord), I get that you didn't mean it. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this situation along side of being a mother. I get that you are hanging on for dear life to your marriage and that you are scared to be single. I feel that same way. God is here, he brought you to all these wonderful people to help you emotionally process your pain.
How old are your children? My kids are 10, 7, 2. God is with your kids during all of this too. I'm sure Jesus already has angels protecting your kids, but I will pray for that anyways. Please hang in there if you need to talk feel free, venting and all!
God loves you and forgives you and is always with you!!!!!

Sister, I Love you, take care of yourself!

 

[Lucy68]

No need to apologize! You can vent all you need to here

Praying for comfort and guidance for you and your children!

 

[GOD_IS_LOVE]

If Jesus could raise the dead surely love and life can be breathed back into my broken marriage.

Amen!
Martez & Woodrina Layton: A Blessed Affair - CBN TV - Video

 

[beyondbroken]

Answers, my children are 11 and 8. One thing I know for sure is that God is def working in them and is with them. The peace they have is AMAZING!!! They too have their moments but they are doing amazingly well. Of course they want us to be together and they want their daddy back home. Each and every night they faithfully pray that their dad totally surrenders to God and becomes a true Christian man. (those words are theirs alone w no direction or help from me) So I know God hears their little prayers. Answers, it sounds like you may be or have gone through a similar situation and I will pray for you and your family as well. The enemy is def out to destory families and he unfortunely is doing a really good job at it. And Thank you so much for your prayers Answers
My husband did send me a text today at work and said that he is setting up an appt w the Pastor at our church. He believes he needs strong Christian counseling and thinks our Pastor can supply that for him. He said he does want me and our marriage to work but that we both have caused a lot of hurt along the way and we both need healing individually first and then as a couple. So I will keep praying and do as God leads me to do and see where this journey in life takes me. Everything has a purpose.
Ms Lucy 68, thank you for your prayers. You seem to have a lot of wisdom in God. Appreciate your prayers for my family and I

 

[beyondbroken]

God_Is_Love, that is where I draw my hope is because I know the God I serve is the God of the impossible. I am not perfect and have my moments of weakness but I have to draw from Him in those moments. Sometimes it is overwhelming but I KNOW GOD IS ABLE

 

[Lucy68]

Answers, my children are 11 and 8. One thing I know for sure is that God is def working in them and is with them. The peace they have is AMAZING!!! They too have their moments but they are doing amazingly well. Of course they want us to be together and they want their daddy back home. Each and every night they faithfully pray that their dad totally surrenders to God and becomes a true Christian man. (those words are theirs alone w no direction or help from me) So I know God hears their little prayers. Answers, it sounds like you may be or have gone through a similar situation and I will pray for you and your family as well. The enemy is def out to destory families and he unfortunely is doing a really good job at it. And Thank you so much for your prayers Answers
My husband did send me a text today at work and said that he is setting up an appt w the Pastor at our church. He believes he needs strong Christian counseling and thinks our Pastor can supply that for him. He said he does want me and our marriage to work but that we both have caused a lot of hurt along the way and we both need healing individually first and then as a couple. So I will keep praying and do as God leads me to do and see where this journey in life takes me. Everything has a purpose.
Ms Lucy 68, thank you for your prayers. You seem to have a lot of wisdom in God. Appreciate your prayers for my family and I

Great News!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Praying he continues on this path! Your children are so precious

 

[Merle]

@Beyondbroken - I understand your emotions, the rollercoaster of ups and downs.

In my case, I know why everything went wrong...I decided to do what I wanted to do instead of letting God send the right partner along. I was lonely & sad after the death of my 1st husband and well, the 2nd one seemed to be the bright light I was looking for and went ahead when in my heart, I knew it was wrong and here I am, picking up the many pieces, feeling like a failure and worried about my girls and my future.

But Im reading Joyce Meyer's book Things that steal your joy and she's very insightful basing everything on the Bible and God's love for us.
It's going to take a while before I can work through the emotions and having experienced the death of a spouse I can tell you that divorce is also very traumatic. The anger, shock, denial are all there but there's the added feeling of unforgiveness towards your spouse and yourself, the worry of people judging you and so many other negative and confusing feelings.
All I can do now, going through this is depend on God to get me through this one day at a time untill I'm healed and happy again.
It feels like my joy has been stolen.

 

[answers]

I am so incredibly glad that your husband is hearing God, yeah! Yours and your kids prayers are working! Stay strong in the Lord through this process. I'll keep praying for your family. Thank you for your prayer as well.