Pieces

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Hannah.. you still sound a lot like me, feelings compassion one minute and disgust the next. I go through that 1000 times a day. It might be surprising to hear, but your feelings are not as different as you'd like to think. I used to feel all these things like you and that no one understood. That no one could relate. No one could know what i was feeling. Psh... did i ever get proven wrong. Fact is much of what you're feeling is way more common than you think. Part of what you can do to help yourself is to stop telling yourself your situation is 'different' and unique and that no one knows, or could understand. Accept the fact that the help is there, that people understand and have been there. Be willing to listen to what people helping tell you. Biggest reason people don't get better is they spend more time complaining that the solutions won't work, than they ever spend actually trying.
 
Hannah, my Hannah! You remind me so of my own little girl, another Hannah, close to your age and a lot like you. As a mom, I have to say how heartbroken I would be if my baby girl felt this way and didn't feel she could come to me about it. :( (and I'm sure that's happened with my kiddos, at one time and another)

Is it possible you could tell your mom how you feel? Maybe not all of it, but enough that she could help you get help? Ugly had some great suggestions, and Shekaniah is right, it's all about the chemical imbalance. I was hit with a major clinical depression in my mid thirties, and had NO idea what it was for months. Then a friend, who is a Christian man and also an MD, started calling me. He knew what was wrong just from interacting with me. (he and his wife are friends with my husband and me) He called me every day gently asking me to come to see him, telling me he thought he could help. I couldn't imagine what he meant, but eventually my husband asked me to go to see him. (praise God!)
He did indeed make sure my diet was good, which he knew to be true just from knowing us, and he knew I was a workout queen (his wife asked to borrow my tapes--yes, it was THAT long ago...lol) and he had me take St. John's wort, and Sam-E. After a few months, when all this failed to make things better, he put me on an anti-depressant. I fought him tooth and nail, because I felt like a failure as a Christian, but I am sooo glad the Lord allowed me to overcome my pride (for that's what it was!) and take the meds. In 6 weeks I was my old self, and I didn't have to take them forever, either. Just long enough to rectify that chemical imbalance. (maybe 6 months?)

Depression is suspected to have some sort of genetic component, and I hope you don't feel you'd be a failure as a believer if you need help, whatever that may mean. Sometimes stress just messes with neurochemistry, and it needs to be corrected. Okay, enough about that. ;)

Hannah_Grace, the Lord loves you!! I know this dark hole you're in, and cannot see out of. I hear you struggling with your own behaviour. I weep for (and with) you, little one! I pray the Lord will send you one person, one friend, someone who can understand you and be understood by you. I pray you will be able to open your heart to someone.
I believe the physical problems you describe most likely have to do with what's happening in your brain. I encourage you to get medical help, even if you have to do it alone, and I pray for the strength to do it. Please, sweet life, tell someone what you're going through! You do NOT have to feel this way.

Above all, you are sooo precious to the Lord. He loves you, and he's in your corner. It's not His wish for you to live in this dark place. I pray you will see Him as he is, and let Him love you. Please keep us posted! <3

love ~ellie
 
Hannah_Grace said:
Thank you all for your prayers and advices.

I don't know why I always had a hard time accepting human nature. I see young people praying one second and clubbing the other. I can't seem to relate to anyone.I know that I'm not perfect but everytime that I make a mistake I feel so stupid so hurt and I'm so angry with myself. I try talking with people but it seems so pointless. I'm so angry against everyone but so sad in the same time. I can feel compassion and be degusted the other second just by sitting in the cafeteria. i feel like there's 3 me in one body, the rational, the God's believer and the me that is tormented by the ennemie's way of thinking.
Sometimes the burden in me is so heavy that I feel it on my shoulders, in my heart. Sometimes I just feel like my body is going to abandon me.
As soon as I start talking about my problems face to face with someone I automatically start smiliing and saying pointless things because I've been doing that all my life.

I don't know how to be more clear but I just feel like I'm going completely crazy. I'm just losing eveything. And somehow I'm still laughing and smiling. I'm always trying to help other people, like my life is not valuable enough for others to care.
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Hannah, I used to call it beating myself up from the inside out.
But the bruses, no one could see.
I was about your age when I went through this.
I did get help, a councelor to talk to, and Jesus found a good one for me.
I also kept talking to Jesus.
Scripture says Jesus is close to the broken hearted, believe me this is true, for He was so close to me during that tme, I was just to broken to see clearly.
Do not let these feelings keep you from discovering the healing love Jesus has for you, because He trully does hold you in His hand.
Find someone to talk to, a church, a councelor.
You are in my prayers for all that is the joy and delight of Jesus's healing and perfect love.

Hugs and God bless
pickles
 
All your messages really encourage me and I'm trully thankful. I started exercising today and I'm trying to eat better (I started eating breakfast and lunch) . I still sleep less than 6 hours average though. I called to meet with a professional and I realized that I should've done all of that 2 years ago when I was praying to die.
But I actually feel good about taking the first step and I know that God is walking with me.
I received a lot of good revelations for my life and I'm not going to let the ennemie take them away.
I feel good for now but I don't know what's going to happen next so please keep me in your prayers.

God bless you all,
Annie
 
Hannah_Grace said:
All your messages really encourage me and I'm trully thankful. I started exercising today and I'm trying to eat better (I started eating breakfast and lunch) . I still sleep less than 6 hours average though. I called to meet with a professional and I realized that I should've done all of that 2 years ago when I was praying to die.
But I actually feel good about taking the first step and I know that God is walking with me.
I received a lot of good revelations for my life and I'm not going to let the ennemie take them away.
I feel good for now but I don't know what's going to happen next so please keep me in your prayers.

God bless you all,
Annie
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It is important that you get enough rest. (It doesn't have to be sleep, but I make myself lie down for at least eight hours each day.)
 
Jehova Shama, Thank you that You ar with Hanna Grace always. That she is never alone. Reveal to her that You are "more than enough" for her and that she lacks nothing that she needs for her life in You. Amen.

Hannah_Grace said:
Depression, loneliness, pain hit me like never before now. I feel like my body is giving up on me. I don't seem to be entirely there anymore.I'm just falling apart and I can't tell someone. I'm in a point where God is telling that it's ok to be only dependant of Him but I can't walk by myself anymore. I have so many mixed feelings that I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't have friends, I choose to not have friends. I don't usually like to talk to people but there's just a hole in my heart now that I would need someone to talk to, someone I could laugh with, someone I could cry with. But there's no one. It took me that to understand that I can't take everything on my back, I can't do this on my own.

I'm lost and I have no more energy,
I could use some prayers
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Ugly said:
Hannah.. you still sound a lot like me, feelings compassion one minute and disgust the next. I go through that 1000 times a day. It might be surprising to hear, but your feelings are not as different as you'd like to think. I used to feel all these things like you and that no one understood. That no one could relate. No one could know what i was feeling. Psh... did i ever get proven wrong. Fact is much of what you're feeling is way more common than you think. Part of what you can do to help yourself is to stop telling yourself your situation is 'different' and unique and that no one knows, or could understand. Accept the fact that the help is there, that people understand and have been there. Be willing to listen to what people helping tell you. Biggest reason people don't get better is they spend more time complaining that the solutions won't work, than they ever spend actually trying.
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Have you ever felt like you're emotions were exagerated ? like fear? Sometimes I hear a kinda big noise in the house and I'm not sure if it's in my head or if it's real. it may sounds stupid but those little thing that scares me make me more anxious then before.
 
Hannah_Grace said:
Have you ever felt like you're emotions were exagerated ? like fear? Sometimes I hear a kinda big noise in the house and I'm not sure if it's in my head or if it's real. it may sounds stupid but those little thing that scares me make me more anxious then before.
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Yeah, i do get that even now sometimes. But i still cope the same way. I just have to talk to myself, remind myself that its most likely nothing at all. Because, fact is, i've never been in one of those scenarios and found anything wrong.
 
Sometimes, yes, especially when alone. Praying out loud or speaking God's Word out loud helps me in those times. Not yelling, just normal voice. Also, playing praise music.
Blessings.
Hannah_Grace said:
Have you ever felt like you're emotions were exagerated ? like fear? Sometimes I hear a kinda big noise in the house and I'm not sure if it's in my head or if it's real. it may sounds stupid but those little thing that scares me make me more anxious then before.
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Thank you both i'll try that. Last time (few months ago) I remember I was praying out loud and telling myself cmon nothing is going to happen to you tonight. But sometimes I just feel like someone is looking at me ( obviously not the way God is looking at me ) and I feel attacked. I know that there's no one though but I'll keep praying.
 
When you pray, purposely invite the Holy Spirit to come and be present, and the Lord Jesus to occupy your home. May He watch over you day and night.

Psalm 121
 
I hope I'm not asking too much but could you also pray for my family. Every person in my family has been hurt in a way. My mom hurt us a lot because she's been hurt when she was little. I do think my mom is also in depression. My dad...well I don't know what to say about him. It's hard for me to talk to him without being angry.My mom and dad obviously don't love eachother. My sister was also depressed but she found a very good friend now I think she's way better than before. My older sister is married and have no relationship with my mom. My family is like a bomb and I always felt like if I let my emotions come out it's going to explode. I feel very good when my family is not around me or when I'm in another country for christian camp I feel so relaxed and as soon as I come home I'm not okay anymore and I know it's not supposed to be like that. And I feel like even if I overcome depression my life is like a vicious circle and if my family doest open their eyes and get help well in the end all what I'm doing now is useless.
 
You continue to be in my prayers in Jesus,
I will pray for your family also, for Jesus to bring His presance and healing to them.
Im glad you are doing a little better and are getting someone to talk to. :)
Im certain you will find so much more understanding in doing this, and Jesus 's healing will compleat all for you. :)

Hugs and God bless
pickles
 
Annie, first of all...asking too much?? Never! That's why we're here!

I want to share with you I've struggled with fear my whole life...since I can remember...probably 3 or 4? I wonder if you're expecting to be able to deal with your lifetime's experiences too quickly, and if I've added to the feeling you should? (I'm so sorry!) It has taken many years for me to resolve my childhood and although this doesn't have to be your own experience, I do feel it will take some time for you and the Lord to work this out. I personally think it''s part of working out our salvation.

When my kiddos were little, there was this cassette tape series (yeah, that long ago!) called G.T. and the Halo Express. There were 6 or 7 of them, each dealing with a different thing. The third was about fear. They were little stories about a brother and sister and some angels who sang verses of scripture to them. When you learned the song, you'd learned the verse.
I used to put my little ones to bed and listen to that third tape, which had verses dealing with fear. It was such a blessing to know those verses, I wish I could give you the CD. (yeah, I bought the set 4 years ago...lol) But here are the verses, in case you want to look them up:

Psalm 27:1
Hebrews 13:6
Isaiah 12:2 (I love this one)
John 16:33
2 Timothy 4:8
2 Thessalonians 3:3
Psalm 46:1-2
Isaiah 41:10
John 14:27
Matthew 14:27
Psalm 23:4 (all of Psalm 23, obvoiusly!)
Psalm 56:3 (my personal fave--"When I am afraid, I will trust in you.")

I found it was awesome to have these verses rolling around in my vacant head (lol) because when I became (become!) fearful, the Lord reminded me of them. (He's just so cool.&#9829;)

I'm so sorry about your family situation. Please know each and every one of you is in my prayers. I'm so glad you keep updating us, and hope you can continue to do so. Your maturity in understanding your mother is astounding to me. (Christ in you...)

blessings and &#9829; ~ellie

 
Hi Hannah, I'vebeen having anxiety; depression myself, it can help to know other people have felt or are feeling the way you are now. Sometimes it's more upsetting to hear well-intentioned advice that you don't believe will help; I've actually had friends practically say "snap out of it" or do this, do that & if you feel it'''s not the right answer you feel obliged to smile & say "thanks". I'm new to this and am hoping when I find a churcch I'm fairly comfortable in it will help. Sometimes I feel if I'm not constantly positive people will reject me or believe I'm not being "Christian" enough! Huh? Right now I have a plate full of troubles & having trouble working them out. I pray a lot. Read this site a lot. Listen, things WILL NOT stay this way. Keep praying & if you feel overwhelmed take one suggestion you feel you can handle. Write me at the friends site and God Bless you. Honey 52
 
Great God who puts us in families, Let Your design and purpose for family be revealed in Hannah's household. Let Your love cover a multitude of sins and imperfections and your presence bring life to those things that are dormant. To the glory of Jesus Christ Your Son, Amen.
Hannah_Grace said:
I hope I'm not asking too much but could you also pray for my family. Every person in my family has been hurt in a way. My mom hurt us a lot because she's been hurt when she was little. I do think my mom is also in depression. My dad...well I don't know what to say about him. It's hard for me to talk to him without being angry.My mom and dad obviously don't love eachother. My sister was also depressed but she found a very good friend now I think she's way better than before. My older sister is married and have no relationship with my mom. My family is like a bomb and I always felt like if I let my emotions come out it's going to explode. I feel very good when my family is not around me or when I'm in another country for christian camp I feel so relaxed and as soon as I come home I'm not okay anymore and I know it's not supposed to be like that. And I feel like even if I overcome depression my life is like a vicious circle and if my family doest open their eyes and get help well in the end all what I'm doing now is useless.
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